演講MP3+雙語文稿:不好意思尋求幫助？心理學(xué)家給你支個(gè)招

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【演講者及介紹】Heidi Grant

社會(huì)心理學(xué)家海蒂·格蘭特。海蒂·格蘭特研究、寫作和談?wù)搫?dòng)機(jī)、影響和決策的科學(xué)。

【演講主題】不好意思尋求幫助？心理學(xué)家給你支個(gè)招

【中英文字幕】

翻譯者 Joseph Geni 校對者 Camille Martínez

00:13

So, asking for help is basically the worst,right? I've actually never seen it on one of those top ten lists of thingspeople fear, like public speaking and death, but I'm pretty sure it actuallybelongs there. Even though in many ways it's foolish for us to be afraid toadmit we need help, whether it's from a loved one or a friend or from acoworker or even from a stranger, somehow it always feel just a little bituncomfortable and embarrassing to actually ask for help, which is, of course,why most of us try to avoid asking for help whenever humanly possible.

求助可以說是最糟糕的事了，對嗎？它卻沒有被列入人們最害怕的十大事物之中，比如公眾演講和死亡，但我非常確定它屬于這類事物。盡管不愿承認(rèn)我們需要幫助是愚蠢的，無論是向愛人，朋友，同事，甚至陌生人求助。求助總會(huì)讓我們感到有點(diǎn)不適和尷尬，當(dāng)然，這也是我們大多數(shù)人盡可能避免求助的原因。

00:55

My father was one of those legions offathers who, I swear, would rather drive through an alligator-infested swampthan actually ask someone for help getting back to the road. When I was a kid,we took a family vacation. We drove from our home in South Jersey to ColonialWilliamsburg. And I remember we got really badly lost. My mother and I pleadedwith him to please just pull over and ask someone for directions back to thehighway, and he absolutely refused, and, in fact, assured us that we were notlost, he had just always wanted to know what was over here.

我父親就是那“父親軍團(tuán)”的一員，我發(fā)誓，他寧愿開車穿過鱷魚出沒的沼澤，也不愿意找人幫助他開回大路。我記得小時(shí)候有一次全家出去度假。從位于南新澤西州的家驅(qū)車前往前殖民地威廉斯堡。我記得我們完全迷路了。我和媽媽懇求他把車停在路邊，向別人詢問回高速公路的路，他直接拒絕了，事實(shí)上他向我們保證他沒有迷路，他只是想四處看看。

01:32

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

01:34

So if we're going to ask for help -- and wehave to, we all do, practically every day -- the only way we're going to evenbegin to get comfortable with it is to get good at it, to actually increase thechances that when you ask for help from someone, they're actually going to sayyes. And not only that, but they're going to find it actually satisfying andrewarding to help you, because that way, they'll be motivated to continue tohelp you into the future.

因此如果我們要求助——這是我們幾乎每天都會(huì)做，而且需要做的——我們適應(yīng)它的方法是變得善于求助，去增加我們求助時(shí)別人答應(yīng)幫助的概率。不僅如此，他們還會(huì)發(fā)現(xiàn)自己能夠在幫助我們的過程中獲得滿足和回報(bào)，因此他們就有動(dòng)力繼續(xù)在將來幫助我們。

02:02

So research that I and some of mycolleagues have done has shed a lot of light on why it is that sometimes peoplesay yes to our requests for help and why sometimes they say no. Now let me juststart by saying right now: if you need help, you are going to have to ask forit. Out loud. OK? We all, to some extent, suffer from something thatpsychologists call "the illusion of transparency" -- basically, themistaken belief that our thoughts and our feelings and our needs are reallyobvious to other people. This is not true, but we believe it. And so, we justmostly stand around waiting for someone to notice our needs and thenspontaneously offer to help us with it. This is a really, really badassumption. In fact, not only is it very difficult to tell what your needs are,but even the people close to you often struggle to understand how they cansupport you.

我和我同事做的一些研究對人們?yōu)槭裁从袝r(shí)會(huì)伸出援手，有時(shí)候則不，提供了一些解釋?，F(xiàn)在讓我們進(jìn)入主題：如果我們需要幫助，我們就得開口。大聲說出來?？梢詥幔课覀冊谀撤N程度上都有心理學(xué)家常說的“被洞悉錯(cuò)覺”——這說的是我們的一種錯(cuò)覺，我們總覺得自己的思想、感覺和需要對他人而言很明顯。事實(shí)并非如此，但我們相信這點(diǎn)。所以我們只是干等在那兒，等待有人注意到我們的需求，然后主動(dòng)提出幫助我們。這是一個(gè)非常糟糕的假設(shè)。事實(shí)上，不僅說出我們的需求很難，而且我們身邊的人也往往琢磨不透應(yīng)該如何支持我們。

02:57

My partner has actually had to adopt ahabit of asking me multiple times a day, "Are you OK? Do you needanything?" because I am so, so bad at signaling when I need someone'shelp. Now, he is more patient than I deserve and much more proactive, muchmore, about helping than any of us have any right to expect other people to be.So if you need help, you're going to have to ask for it. And by the way, evenwhen someone can tell that you need help, how do they know that you want it?Did you ever try to give unsolicited help to someone who, it turns out, did notactually want your help in the first place? They get nasty real quick, don'tthey?

我的伴侶不得不養(yǎng)成一個(gè)習(xí)慣，每天問我很多次，“現(xiàn)在怎樣？你需要什么嗎？”因?yàn)樵谛枰獛椭鷷r(shí)，我太不擅長發(fā)出信號。現(xiàn)在，他給予了我更多耐心，更積極主動(dòng)，更樂于助人，我們通常沒有權(quán)利要求別人這樣對我們。所以如果我們需要幫助，我們必須開口。另外，即便有人看出來我們需要幫助，他們怎么知道我們需要什么？大家有沒有試過主動(dòng)幫助別人，結(jié)果人家根本就不想讓你幫？他們很快就會(huì)厭惡，對吧？

03:38

The other day -- true story -- my teenagedaughter was getting dressed for school, and I decided to give her someunsolicited help about that.

這是個(gè)真實(shí)的故事——前些天，我十幾歲的女兒穿好衣服準(zhǔn)備上學(xué)，我決定自發(fā)地給她一些幫助。

03:46

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

03:47

I happen to think she looks amazing inbrighter colors. She tends to prefer sort of darker, more neutral tones. And soI said, very helpfully, that I thought maybe she could go back upstairs and tryto find something a little less somber.

我碰巧覺得她穿亮色衣服好看。但她通常喜歡偏深、中性的色調(diào)。于是我試著說，也許她可以回到樓上，試著找件顏色不那么陰沉的衣服穿。

04:02

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

04:04

So, if looks could kill, I would not bestanding here right now. We really can't blame other people for not justspontaneously offering to help us when we don't actually know that that's whatis wanted. In fact, actually, research shows that 90 percent of the help thatcoworkers give one another in the workplace is in response to explicit requestsfor help. So you're going to have to say the words "I need your help."Right? There's no getting around it.

如果眼神能殺人的話，我現(xiàn)在就不會(huì)站在這里了。我們不能責(zé)怪別人不主動(dòng)幫助我們，特別是當(dāng)對方不知道我們需要什么時(shí)。事實(shí)上，研究顯示工作時(shí)同事之間百分之九十的幫助是響應(yīng)明確的求助請求的。所以我們得說：“我需要你的幫助”。這是無法回避的。

04:33

Now, to be good at it, to make sure thatpeople actually do help you when you ask for it, there are a few other thingsthat are very helpful to keep in mind.

想要做好它，確保當(dāng)我們尋求幫助時(shí)，人們會(huì)幫我們，請記住一些非常有用的做法。

04:41

First thing: when you ask for help, bevery, very specific about the help you want and why. Vague, sort of indirectrequests for help actually aren't very helpful to the helper, right? We don'tactually know what it is you want from us, and, just as important, we don'tknow whether or not we can be successful in giving you the help. Nobody wantsto give bad help. Like me, you probably get some of these requests fromperfectly pleasant strangers on LinkedIn who want to do things like "gettogether over coffee and connect" or "pick your brain." I ignorethese requests literally every time. And it's not that I'm not a nice person.It's just that when I don't know what it is you want from me, like the kind ofhelp you're hoping that can I provide, I'm not interested. Nobody is. I'd havebeen much more interested if they had just come out and said whatever it is wasthey were hoping to get from me, because I'm pretty sure they had somethingspecific in mind. So go ahead and say, "I'm hoping to discussopportunities to work in your company," or, "I'd like to propose ajoint research project in an area I know you're interested in," or,"I'd like your advice on getting into medical school." Technically, Ican't help you with that last one because I'm not that kind of doctor, but Icould point you in the direction of someone who could.

第一點(diǎn)：當(dāng)我們求助時(shí)，一定要準(zhǔn)確地闡述我們要的幫助和原因。含糊、間接的求助對于幫助者其實(shí) 不是很有用，不是嗎？ 他們的確不知道我們想得到的幫助是什么，同樣重要的是，他們不知道是否能夠成功幫助我們。沒人想幫倒忙。大家或許像我一樣，在領(lǐng)英收到過來自非常友好的陌生人的邀請，這些人想做一些“喝杯咖啡、聊個(gè)天”或“向你請教一下”之類的事情。我每次都忽略這些請求。這并不是因?yàn)槲也粔蛴押谩Ｖ皇俏也恢浪麄兿霃奈疫@里得到什么，以及希望我能提供哪種幫助，我就不感興趣。沒人會(huì)有興趣。如果他們能直接說出任何他們想從我這里獲得的幫助，我就會(huì)更有興趣，因?yàn)槲液芸隙ㄋ麄冇行┚唧w的想法。所以要開口，“我想和你談?wù)勝F司有沒有工作機(jī)會(huì)?！被颉拔蚁胩岢鲆粋€(gè)你一定會(huì)非常感興趣的領(lǐng)域的聯(lián)合研究項(xiàng)目?！被蛘?，“我想聽聽你對讀醫(yī)學(xué)院的建議?！闭f實(shí)話，我不能幫助解決最后一個(gè)請求，因?yàn)槲也皇轻t(yī)生，但我可以指明誰可以提供幫助。

06:06

OK, second tip. This is really important:please avoid disclaimers, apologies and bribes. Really, really important. Doany of these sound familiar?

好了，第二個(gè)技巧。這點(diǎn)真的很重要：請不要用免責(zé)聲明，道歉和賄賂。真的，這非常重要。這些聽起來熟悉嗎？

06:18

(Clears throat)

（清嗓子）

06:20

'I'm so, so sorry that I have to ask youfor this." "I really hate bothering you with this." "If Ihad any way of doing this without your help, I would."

“我非常、非常抱歉要請求你件事情”。“我真的非常不想麻煩你”?！叭绻麤]有你能做成這事的話，我一定會(huì)的”。

06:34

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

06:35

Sometimes it feels like people are so eagerto prove that they're not weak and greedy when they ask your for help, they'recompletely missing out on how uncomfortable they're making you feel. And by theway -- how am I supposed to find it satisfying to help you if you really hatedhaving to ask me for help? And while it is perfectly, perfectly acceptable topay strangers to do things for you, you need to be very, very careful when itcomes to incentivizing your friends and coworkers. When you have a relationshipwith someone, helping one another is actually a natural part of thatrelationship. It's how we show one another that we care. If you introduceincentives or payments into that, what can happen is, it starts to feel like itisn't a relationship, it's a transaction. And that actually is experienced asdistancing, which, ironically, makes people less likely to help you. So aspontaneous gift after someone gives you some help to show your appreciationand gratitude -- perfectly fine. An offer to pay your best friend to help youmove into your new apartment is not.

有時(shí)候這讓人感覺，他們是如此渴望去證明他們尋求幫助時(shí)，不是因?yàn)檐浫鹾拓澙?，但他們完全忽視了這樣做會(huì)讓我們感到不舒服。順便問一句，如果他們討厭求助我，我怎會(huì)覺得幫助他們是讓我感到滿足的事呢？雖然付費(fèi)給陌生人幫我們做事情是完全可以接受的，當(dāng)涉及到激勵(lì)我們的朋友和同事時(shí)，我們要非常小心。如果我們跟某人關(guān)系很好, 彼此幫助就是那段關(guān)系很自然的部分。這是我們展示關(guān)心彼此的方式。如果我們在這種關(guān)系中加入激勵(lì)或者付費(fèi)，會(huì)讓人覺得這不是段關(guān)系，而是個(gè)交易。這其實(shí)會(huì)讓人產(chǎn)生一種距離感，更諷刺的事，這反而會(huì)讓人更不愿意幫助我們。所以，在別人幫助我們后，我們可以用更淳樸的禮物來表達(dá)感激之情——這樣做就很好。付錢給幫我們搬進(jìn)新公寓的朋友就不是好做法。

07:42

OK, third rule, and I really mean this one:please do not ask for help over email or text. Really, seriously, please don't.Email and text are impersonal. I realize sometimes there's no alternative, butmostly what happens is, we like to ask for help over email and text because itfeels less awkward for us to do so. You know what else feels less awkward overemail and text? Telling you no. And it turns out, there's research to supportthis. In-person requests for help are 30 times more likely to get a yes than arequest made by email. So when something is really important and you reallyneed someone's help, make face time to make the request, or use your phone as aphone --

第三點(diǎn)，我想說的是：請不要通過郵件或者短信請求幫助。我是認(rèn)真的，請不要那樣做。郵件和短信很不正式。我知道有時(shí)候沒得選，但多數(shù)情況下，我們喜歡通過郵件或短信求助，是因?yàn)檫@樣做我們不會(huì)感到那么尷尬。有什么比用郵件和短信求助更尷尬的嗎？沒有。事實(shí)上，有研究支持這個(gè)觀點(diǎn)。當(dāng)面請求得到幫助的可能性比發(fā)郵件高30倍。所以當(dāng)一件事真的很重要，我們需要人的幫助時(shí)，當(dāng)面提出這個(gè)請求，或者只用手機(jī)通過打電話——

08:34

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

08:36

to ask for the help that you need.

去尋求我們需要的幫助。

08:39

OK. Last one, and this is actually areally, really important one and probably the one that is most overlooked whenit comes to asking for help: when you ask someone for their help and they sayyes, follow up with them afterward. There's a common misconception that what'srewarding about helping is the act of helping itself. This is not true. What isrewarding about helping is knowing that your help landed, that it had impact,that you were effective. If I have no idea how my help affected you, how am Isupposed to feel about it?

好了。最后一點(diǎn)也非常重要，它可能是尋求幫助時(shí)最容易被忽視的一點(diǎn)：當(dāng)我們尋求別人的幫助并得到肯定回答時(shí)，事后與他們保持聯(lián)系。人們普遍有種誤解，認(rèn)為幫助別人的回報(bào)在于幫助本身。事實(shí)并非如此。幫助的回報(bào)是知道你的幫助落實(shí)了，它產(chǎn)生了影響，你的幫忙是有效的。如果我根本不知道我的幫助如何影響你，我對這幫助會(huì)有何感想？

09:14

This happened; I was a university professorfor many years, I wrote lots and lots of letters of recommendation for peopleto get jobs or to go into graduate school. And probably about 95 percent ofthem, I have no idea what happened. Now, how do I feel about the time andeffort I took to do that, when I really have no idea if I helped you, if itactually helped you get the thing that you wanted? In fact, this idea offeeling effective is part of why certain kinds of donor appeals are so, sopersuasive -- because they allow you to really vividly imagine the effect thatyour help is going to have.

這種事情發(fā)生過：我當(dāng)大學(xué)教授很多年，寫了很多的推薦信，幫學(xué)生找工作或申請研究生院。其中有大約95%我都不知道之后發(fā)生了什么。當(dāng)我不知道我是否幫助了你，是否幫助你得到你想要的東西時(shí)，我該如何看待我花在這件事上的時(shí)間和精力？事實(shí)上，這種感覺有效的想法是某些捐助的呼吁 如此有說服力的原因，因?yàn)樗鼈兡茏屛覀兩鷦?dòng)地想象我們的幫助將產(chǎn)生的效果。

09:49

Take something like DonorsChoose. You goonline, you can choose the individual teacher by name whose classroom you'regoing to be able to help by literally buying the specific items they'verequested, like microscopes or laptops or flexible seating. An appeal like thatmakes it so easy for me to imagine the good that my money will do, that Iactually get an immediate sense of effectiveness the minute I commit to giving.

比如 DonorsChoose。我們在網(wǎng)上選擇我們想給予幫助的教室的老師的名字。為他們購買他們請求的特定商品，比如顯微鏡、筆記本電腦和可調(diào)節(jié)高度的座椅。這就讓我很容易想象我的錢將會(huì)起到的作用，在我做出捐贈(zèng)的那一刻，就感覺有一種立竿見影的效果。

10:15

But you know what else they do? They followup. Donors actually get letters from the kids in the classroom. They getpictures. They get to know that they made a difference. And this is somethingwe need to all be doing in our everyday lives, especially if we want people tocontinue to give us help over the long term. Take time to tell your colleaguethat the help that they gave you really helped you land that big sale, orhelped you get that interview that you were really hoping to get. Take time totell your partner that the support they gave you really made it possible foryou to get through a tough time. Take time to tell your catsitter that you'resuper happy that for some reason, this time the cats didn't break anythingwhile you were away, and so they must have done a really good job.

但你知道他們還會(huì)做什么嗎？他們還會(huì)跟捐助者保持聯(lián)系。捐贈(zèng)者會(huì)收到教室里學(xué)生的來信。他們會(huì)收到照片。他們知道他們對別人產(chǎn)生了影響。這是我們在生活中都應(yīng)該做的事情，尤其當(dāng)我們想要人們長期幫助我們時(shí)?；〞r(shí)間告訴我們的同事他們給予的幫助幫助我們談成了那筆大買賣，或幫助我們得到了很想要的面試機(jī)會(huì)?；〞r(shí)間告訴我們的伴侶他們給予的幫助幫助我們度過了艱難的時(shí)光。花點(diǎn)時(shí)間告訴幫助你照顧貓的人，我們很高興，因?yàn)檫@次我們不在的時(shí)候，貓沒有打壞任何東西，他們做得棒極了。

11:02

The bottom line is: I know -- believe me, Iknow -- that it is not easy to ask for help. We are all a little bit afraid todo it. It makes us feel vulnerable. But the reality of modern work and modernlife is that nobody does it alone. Nobody succeeds in a vacuum. More than ever,we actually do have to rely on other people, on their support andcollaboration, in order to be successful.

歸根結(jié)底：相信我——我知道——尋求幫助并不容易。我們都有點(diǎn)害怕這樣做。這讓我們感到脆弱。但現(xiàn)代的工作和生活不是我們可以獨(dú)自應(yīng)對的。沒人能獨(dú)自成功。事實(shí)上，我們比以往更需要依靠他人，有了他們的支持和配合，我們才能成功。

11:30

So when you need help, ask for it out loud.And when you do, do it in a way that increases your chances that you'll get ayes and makes the other person feel awesome for having helped you, because youboth deserve it.

所以需要幫助時(shí)，大聲說出來。用可以提高得到肯定回答概率的方法去做，另外，確保他人因?yàn)閹椭覀兌械娇鞓罚驗(yàn)檫@是幫助者應(yīng)得的。

11:46

Thank you.

謝謝。

11:47

(Applause)

（掌聲）