演講MP3+雙語文稿:健康的愛情和不健康的愛情的區(qū)別

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【演講者及介紹】Katie Hood

凱蒂·胡德。革命的關(guān)系通過教育年輕人健康和不健康的關(guān)系之間的區(qū)別，凱蒂·胡德希望在虐待行為開始并影響整個一代人的關(guān)系健康之前阻止它。

【演講主題】健康的愛情和不健康的愛情的區(qū)別

【中英文字幕】

翻譯者psjmz mz 校對者Chen Yunru

00：12

So when you think about a child, a closefriend, or a romantic partner, the word "love" probably comes tomind, and instantly other emotions rush in: joy and hope, excitement, trust andsecurity, and yes, sometimes sadness and disappointment. There might not be aword in the dictionary that more of us are connected to than love.

當(dāng)你想到一個小孩子、一位密友或者伴侶時，腦海中很可能會跳出“愛”這個詞，然后其它的情緒也會立馬出現(xiàn)：比如歡樂和希望，興奮、信任以及安全感，并且有時還會有悲傷和失望。字典里可能沒有一個詞比愛更能說明人與人之間的緊密聯(lián)系了。

00：37

Yet, given its central importance in ourlives, isn't it interesting that we're never explicitly taught how to love? Webuild friendships, navigate early romantic relationships, get married and bringbabies home from the hospital with the expectation that we'll figure it out.But the truth is, we often harm and disrespect the ones we love. It can besubtle things like guilting a friend into spending time with you or sneaking apeak at your partner's texts or shaming a child for their lack of effort at school.100 percent of us will be on the receiving end of unhealthy relationshipbehaviors and 100 percent of us will do unhealthy things. It's part of beinghuman. In its worst form, the harm we inflict on loved ones shows up as abuseand violence, and relationship abuse is something that one in three women andone in four men will experience in their lifetime. Now, if you're like mostpeople, when you hear those stats, you'll go, "Oh, no, no, no, that wouldnever happen to me." It's instinctual to move away from the words"abuse" and "violence," to think that they happen tosomeone else somewhere else. But the truth is, unhealthy relationships andabuse are all around us. We just call them different things and ignore theconnection. Abuse sneaks up on us disguised in unhealthy love.

考慮到它在我們生活中的核心地位，有意思的是，我們竟然從來沒有被明確地教過如何去愛。我們從交朋友開始，然后確定戀愛關(guān)系，最后結(jié)婚生子，將小孩從醫(yī)院帶回家。對這一切都是懷著能順利搞定的期望。但事實(shí)卻是，我們經(jīng)常傷害或不尊重所愛之人?？赡苁且恍┖苄〉氖虑?，比如說讓朋友感到內(nèi)疚然后花時間陪你，或者偷看伴侶的短信，以及因?yàn)楹⒆釉趯W(xué)校不夠努力而羞辱他。我們百分之百會接收到不健康關(guān)系的行為，并且我們也百分之百會做一些不健康的事。這是人性的一部分。最糟糕的情況是，我們跟所愛之人的沖突所導(dǎo)致的傷害會演變成辱罵和暴力，而家暴，是三分之一的女性和四分之一的男性一生中都會經(jīng)歷的。如果你跟大多數(shù)人一樣，聽到上述情況時，你會說“哦，不不不，這永遠(yuǎn)不會發(fā)生在我身上?！蔽覀儠鲇诒灸艿靥颖堋芭按焙汀氨┝Α边@些字眼，覺得它們只會發(fā)生在其他地方的其它人身上。但事實(shí)是，不健康的關(guān)系以及虐待就在我們身邊。我們只是將它們換了個說法并忽略了它們之間的聯(lián)系。虐待偽裝成了不健康的愛偷偷地發(fā)生在我們身上。

01:59

I work for an organization called One Lovestarted by a family whose daughter Yeardley was killed by her ex-boyfriend.This was a tragedy no one saw coming, but when they looked back, they realizedthe warning signs were there just no one understood what they were seeing.Called crazy or drama or too much drinking, his actions weren't understood tobe what they really were, which was clear signs of danger. Her family realizedthat if anyone had been educated about these signs, her death could have beenprevented. So today we're on a mission to make sure that others have theinformation that Yeardley and her friends didn't. We have three main goals:give all of us a language for talking about a subject that's quite awkward anduncomfortable to discuss; empower a whole front line, namely friends, to help;and, in the process, improve all of our ability to love better.

我在一個叫做“唯愛"的組織工作，它由一個家庭成立，這個家庭的女兒亞德利被前男友殺害。這是一個沒有人可以預(yù)見到的悲劇，但是回過頭來看，他們意識到之前就存在蛛絲馬跡，只是當(dāng)時沒人看出來。這些被稱為瘋狂或者戲劇或酗酒的行為，他行為的真正含義并沒有真的被理解，而這些都是非常清晰的危險信號。她的家人意識到，如果之前有人被教育過如何識別這些信號，她的死亡是可以避免的。所以今天我們的任務(wù)是確保其他人都能獲得亞德利和她朋友之前不了解的信息。我們有三個主要的目標(biāo)：給予我們一種語言去談?wù)撘粋€非常尷尬并且會引起不適的話題；給朋友權(quán)力去幫助你；并在這個過程中，提高我們愛的能力。

02:55

To do this, it's always important to startby illuminating the unhealthy signs that we frequently miss, and our workreally focuses on creating content to start conversations with young people. Asyou'd expect, most of our content is pretty serious, given the subject at hand,but today I'm going to use one of our more light-hearted yet still thought-provokingpieces, "The Couplets," to illuminate five markers of unhealthy love.

為了做到這些，很重要的一點(diǎn)是從闡明那些我們經(jīng)常會錯過的不健康信號開始，而我們的工作就是專注于創(chuàng)造內(nèi)容，來和年輕人對話。正如你所料，這個主題的大多數(shù)談話內(nèi)容都非常嚴(yán)肅，鑒于目前的主題，但今天我打算用一種輕松愉快，同時也是發(fā)人深思的方式，即“對偶”，來闡明不健康的愛的五種標(biāo)志。

03:20

The first is intensity.

第一個是緊張。

03:40

Katie Hood: Abusive relationships don'tstart out abusive. They start out exciting and exhilarating. There's anintensity of affection and emotion, a rush. It feels really good. You feel solucky, like you've hit the jackpot. But in unhealthy love, these feelings shiftover time from exciting to overwhelming and maybe a little bit suffocating. Youfeel it in your gut. Maybe it's when your new boyfriend or girlfriend says"I love you" faster than you were ready for or starts showing upeverywhere, texting and calling a lot. Maybe they're impatient when you're slowto respond, even though they know you had other things going on that day. It'simportant to remember that it's not how a relationship starts that matters,it's how it evolves. It's important in the early days of a new relationship topay attention to how you're feeling. Are you comfortable with the pace ofintimacy? Do you feel like you have space and room to breathe? It's also reallyimportant to start practicing using your voice to talk about your own needs.Are your requests respected?

凱蒂·胡德：有人意識到了嗎？虐待關(guān)系并不是從虐待開始的。它們是從激動和興奮開始的。這是一種強(qiáng)烈的情感和情緒，一種沖動。感覺非常美好。你覺得自己如此的幸運(yùn)，像中了大獎。但在不健康的愛中，這些感覺會隨著時間的推移而改變，從興奮到壓仰，甚至可能還有點(diǎn)窒息。你的直覺能感受到。這可能是你新交的男朋友或女朋友，在你沒準(zhǔn)備好時就說“我愛你”，或開始無處不在，不停發(fā)信息、打電話給你時。也可能是他們對你的不及時回復(fù)感到不耐煩，盡管他們也知道你還有其它的事情要做時。重點(diǎn)是記?。阂欢胃星槿绾伍_始不重要，重要的是如何發(fā)展。重要的是，在一段新關(guān)系的早期，我們應(yīng)該關(guān)注自己的情緒。你對這種親近的速度感到舒適嗎？你覺得自己還有喘息的空間嗎？同樣重要的是， 學(xué)會表達(dá)自己的需求。你的請求被尊重了嗎？

04:43

A second marker is isolation.

第二個標(biāo)志是孤立。

05:03

KH: If you ask me, isolation is one of themost frequently missed and misunderstood signs of unhealthy love. Why? Becauseevery new relationship starts out with this intense desire to spend timetogether, it's easy to miss when something shifts. Isolation creeps in whenyour new boyfriend or girlfriend starts pulling you away from your friends andfamily, your support system, and tethering you more tightly to them. They mightsay things like, "Why do you hang out with them? They're such losers"about your best friends, or, "They want us to break up. They're totallyagainst us" about your family. Isolation is about sowing seeds of doubtabout everyone from your prerelationship life. Healthy love includesindependence, two people who love spending time together but who stay connectedto the people and activities they cared about before. While at first you mightspend every waking minute together, over time maintaining independence is key.You do this by making plans with friends and sticking to them and encouragingyour partner to do the same.

凱蒂：如果你問我，我會說孤立是最常被忽視和誤解的不健康愛的信號之一。為什么這么說呢？因?yàn)槊恳欢涡赂星榭偸菑膹?qiáng)烈想要花時間待在一起開始的，我們很容易忽視事物的變化。孤立就悄然發(fā)生在當(dāng)你的新男朋友或女朋友開始拉著你脫離你的家人和朋友，你的支撐體系，并將你牢牢地拴在身邊時。他們可能會這樣說，“為什么要跟他們出去玩？他們只是一群失敗者?！彼傅氖悄阕詈玫呐笥选；蛘摺八麄兿氩鹕⑽覀?，他們完全反對我們?！彼傅氖悄愕募胰?。孤立就是在你的前感情生活中對每個人播下懷疑的種子。健康的愛也包括獨(dú)立，兩個人喜歡花時間在一起，但也會繼續(xù)跟之前關(guān)心的人和活動保持聯(lián)系。剛開始的時候你們可能每分每秒都在一起，但隨著時間的推移，保持獨(dú)立成了關(guān)鍵。你可以和朋友們一起規(guī)劃并堅持執(zhí)行，并且鼓勵你的伴侶也這樣做。

06:00

A third marker of unhealthy love is extremejealousy.

不健康的愛的第三個標(biāo)志是極度嫉妒。

06:25

KH: As the honeymoon period begins to fade,extreme jealousy can creep in. Your partner might become more demanding,needing to know where you are and who you're with all the time, or they mightstart following you everywhere, online and off. Extreme jealousy also bringswith it possessiveness and mistrust, frequent accusations of flirting withother people or cheating, and refusal to listen to you when you tell them theyhave nothing to worry about and that you only love them. Jealousy is a part ofany human relationship, but extreme jealousy is different. There's athreatening, desperate and angry edge to it. Love shouldn't feel like this.

凱蒂：隨著蜜月期的消退，極度的嫉妒悄悄的滋生。你的伴侶的要求可能會越來越多，隨時想要知道你在哪以及和誰在一起，或他們可能到處跟蹤你，線上以及線下。極度的嫉妒還會導(dǎo)致占有欲和不信任，頻繁指責(zé)對方跟他人調(diào)情或不忠，并且會拒絕聽你跟他們說，沒有什么好擔(dān)心的，你只愛他們這些話。嫉妒是人類感情中的一部分，但是極度嫉妒就不同了。它處于威脅、絕望和憤怒的邊緣。愛不應(yīng)當(dāng)如此。

07:06

A fourth marker is belittling.

第四個標(biāo)志是輕視。

07:20

KH: Yeah, hmm. In unhealthy love, words areused as weapons. Conversations that used to be fun and lighthearted turn meanand embarrassing. Maybe your partner makes fun of you in a way that hurts, ormaybe they tell stories and jokes for laughs at your expense. When you try toexplain that your feelings have been hurt, they shut you down and accuse you ofoverreacting. "Why are you so sensitive? What's your problem. Give me abreak." You are silenced by these words. It seems pretty obvious, but yourpartner should have your back. Their words should build you up, not break youdown. They should keep your secrets and be loyal. They should make you feelmore confident, not less.

凱蒂：是的，嗯。在不健康的愛中，語言被當(dāng)作武器。本來應(yīng)該是輕松愉快的談話會變得尖酸刻薄和尷尬。也許你的伴侶是用一種傷人的方式開玩笑，或者通過講故事和取笑你，拿你開涮，當(dāng)你告訴他們你感覺到受傷時，他們會讓你閉嘴并指責(zé)你反應(yīng)過度?！澳阍趺催@么敏感？有毛病吧，別逗了！”這些話使你啞口無言。事情很明顯，你的伴侶應(yīng)該支持你。他們的話語應(yīng)該增強(qiáng)你的信心，而不是打壓你。他們應(yīng)該保守你的秘密并且忠于你。他們應(yīng)該讓你感覺到更多的信心，而不是自卑。

08:01

Finally, a fifth marker: volatility.

最后，第五個標(biāo)志：易變。

08:24

KH: Frequent breakups and makeups, highhighs and low lows: as tension rises, so does volatility. Tearful, frustratedfights followed by emotional makeups, hateful and hurtful comments like,"You're worthless, I'm not even sure why I'm with you!" followedquickly by apologies and promises it will never happen again. By this point,you've been so conditioned to this relationship roller coaster that you may notrealize how unhealthy and maybe even dangerous your relationship has become. Itcan be really hard to see when unhealthy love turns towards abuse, but it'sfair to say that the more of these markers your relationship might have, themore unhealthy and maybe dangerous your relationship could be. And if yourinstinct is to break up and leave, which is advice so many of us give ourfriends when they're in unhealthy relationships, that's not always the bestadvice. Time of breakup can be a real trigger for violence. If you fear youmight be headed towards abuse or in abuse, you need to consult with experts toget the advice on how to leave safely.

凱蒂：經(jīng)常性的分分合合，情感大起大落：隨著緊張程度的上升，易變性也增加。淚流滿面，沮喪的爭吵，隨之而來的是情感上的偽裝，充滿仇恨和傷害的評論，比如，“你一文不值，我都不知道為什么跟你在一起！”然后很快是道歉 并保證不再發(fā)生這樣的事。到此為止，你已經(jīng)習(xí)慣了 這種過山車似的關(guān)系，你可能都沒有意識到 你的這段感情已經(jīng)開始朝 不健康和危險的趨勢發(fā)展。我們可能很難識別 不健康的愛和虐待之間的界限，但是公平地說，當(dāng)越來越多的跡象 開始出現(xiàn)在你的這段關(guān)系中時，你的這段關(guān)系不健康 或者危險的概率就會越大。如果你的直覺告訴你該分手離開，這也是當(dāng)我們的朋友陷入到不健康的關(guān)系時，我們經(jīng)常給他們的建議，但這并不總是最好的選擇。分手也有可能會引起暴力。如果你感到可能被虐待或已經(jīng)被虐待，你就需要就如何安全地離開這段感情咨詢專家的建議。

09:23

But it's not just about romanticrelationships and it's not just about violence. Understanding the signs ofunhealthy love can help you audit and understand nearly every relationship inyour life. For the first time, you might understand why you're disappointed ina friendship or why every interaction with a certain family member leaves youdiscouraged and anxious. You might even begin to see how your own intensity andjealousy is causing problems with colleagues at work. Understanding is thefirst step to improving, and while you can't make every unhealthy relationshiphealthy -- some you're going to have to leave behind -- you can do your partevery day to do relationships better. And here's the exciting news: it'sactually not rocket science. Open communication, mutual respect, kindness,patience -- we can practice these things every day. And while practice willdefinitely make you better, I have to promise you it's also not going to makeyou perfect. I do this for a living and every day I think and talk abouthealthy relationships, and still I do unhealthy things. Just the other day as Iwas trying to shuttle my four kids out the door amidst quarreling, squabblingand complaints about breakfast, I completely lost it. With an intentionallyangry edge, I screamed, "Everybody just shut up and do what I say! You arethe worst! I am going to take away screen time and dessert and anything elseyou could possibly ever enjoy in life!" (Laughter) Anybody been there?(Applause) Volatility, belittling. My oldest son turned around and looked atme, and said, "Mom, that's not love." (Laughter) For a minute, Ireally wanted to kill him for calling me out. Trust me. But then I gatheredmyself and I thought, you know what, I'm actually proud. I'm proud that he hasa language to make me pause.

這些不僅僅跟浪漫的戀情有關(guān)，也不僅僅關(guān)于暴力。理解了不健康愛的信號能幫助你審視和理解生活中幾乎所有的關(guān)系。你可能第一次明白為什么會對一段友誼失望，或者為什么每次跟某個家庭成員互動，都讓你感到氣餒和焦慮。你甚至可能開始注意到你的緊張和嫉妒 是如何使你在工作中 與同事發(fā)生矛盾的。理解是提升的第一步，你不可能使每一段不健康的關(guān)系變得健康——有些是你不得不放下的——但你可以每天做好自己的部分從而讓關(guān)系變好。令人振奮的消息是：它并不是件多復(fù)雜的事。坦誠溝通、相互尊重，友善、耐心——這些東西我們每天都可以練習(xí)。練習(xí)一定會讓你變得更好，但我不得不承認(rèn)，它不會讓你變得完美。我以此為生，每天都在思考和談?wù)摻】档母星?，但我還是會做不健康的事情。就在幾天前我還想把我四個孩子趕出門，他們爭吵、哭鬧，并抱怨早餐不好吃，我完全崩潰了。下意識地帶著憤怒的鋒芒，我大喊道，“都給我閉嘴，照我說的做！你們糟糕透了！ 我要剝奪你們使用 電子產(chǎn)品的時間和甜點(diǎn) 以及其它任何能讓 你們享受生活的東西！” （笑聲） 有人那樣做過嗎？ （掌聲） 易變、輕視。我的大兒子轉(zhuǎn)過身看著我，說道，“老媽，這不是愛?！?（笑聲） 有那么一分鐘，因?yàn)樗慕邪逦艺嫦朐琢怂Ｕ娴?，相信我。但是之后我冷靜下來 開始思考，你知道嗎，我其實(shí)覺得很驕傲。我驕傲于他有一種 使我暫停憤怒的語言。

11:18

I want all of my kids to understand whatthe bar should be for how they're treated and to have a language and a voice touse when that bar is not met versus just accepting it. For too long, we'vetreated relationships as a soft topic, when relationship skills are one of themost important and hard to build things in life. Not only can understandingunhealthy signs help you avoid the rabbit hole that leads to unhealthy love,but understanding and practicing the art of being healthy can improve nearlyevery aspect of your life. I'm completely convinced that while love is aninstinct and an emotion, the ability to love better is a skill we can all buildand improve on over time.

我想要我所有的小孩都明白,別人對待他們的邊界在哪，并且當(dāng)別人越過這個邊界時，他們應(yīng)該提出來而不是默默的接受。長久以來，我們都將感情當(dāng)作一個溫柔的話題來對待，但人際關(guān)系技巧又是生活中最重要和最難去建立的事情之一。理解不健康的信號，能防止你掉進(jìn)導(dǎo)致不健康的愛的兔子洞，但是理解和練習(xí)維護(hù)健康關(guān)系的藝術(shù)，能全方位地提升你生活的質(zhì)量。我完全深信愛是直覺和情緒，而更好去愛的能力，是一種我們都能隨時間推移而學(xué)會和提高的技能。

12:06

Thank you. (Applause)

謝謝.（掌聲）