演講MP3+雙語文稿:3個(gè)步驟，把日常聚會變的更有意義

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[演講者及介紹]Priya Parker

沖突調(diào)停者、作者普麗婭·帕克教導(dǎo)人們在家里、工作中、學(xué)校和社區(qū)中更好地聚會。

[演講主題]3個(gè)步驟，把日常聚會變成建設(shè)性的聚會

[中英文字幕]

翻譯者 Isabel Z校對者 Wang Rui

00:01

When I was a child, every other Friday, Iwould leave my mother and stepfather's home -- an Indian and British, atheist,Buddhist, agnostic, vegetarian, new age-y sometimes, Democratic household. AndI would go 1.4 miles to my father and stepmother's home and enter a white,Evangelical Christian, conservative, Republican, twice-a-week-churchgoing,meat-eating family. It doesn't take a shrink to explain how I ended up in thefield of conflict resolution.

當(dāng)我還是個(gè)孩子的時(shí)候，每個(gè)周五我都會離開我媽媽和繼父的家——一個(gè)英國和印度結(jié)合的，不信神明的，信仰佛教的，不可知論的，素食主義的，有時(shí)還有些前衛(wèi)的民主制度的家庭。然后我會走兩公里多的路，去我爸爸和繼母的家，進(jìn)入一個(gè)白色的，福音派基督教的，保守的，共和黨的，每周去兩次教堂并且吃肉的家庭。不需要心理學(xué)家來解釋我是如何進(jìn)入沖突解決領(lǐng)域的。

00:40

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

00:42

Whether I was facilitating dialogues inCharlottesville or Istanbul or Ahmedabad, the challenge was always the same:despite all odds, and with integrity, how do you get people to connectmeaningfully, to take risks, to be changed by their experience? And I wouldwitness extraordinarily beautiful electricity in those rooms. And then I wouldleave those rooms and attend my everyday gatherings like all of you -- awedding or a conference or a back-to-school picnic -- and many would fall flat.There was a meaning gap between these high-intensity conflict groups and myeveryday gatherings. Now, you could say, sure, somebody's birthday party isn'tgoing to live up to a race dialogue, but that's not what I was responding to.As a facilitator, you're taught to strip everything away and focus on theinteraction between people, whereas everyday hosts focus on getting the thingsright -- the food, the flowers, the fish knives -- and leave the interactionbetween people largely to chance.

無論我是在夏洛茨維爾，伊斯坦布爾，還是阿默達(dá)巴德促進(jìn)人們的對話，面對的挑戰(zhàn)永遠(yuǎn)是一樣的：盡管有各種各樣的困難，還要保持誠信，怎樣讓人們有意義的聯(lián)系起來，去冒險(xiǎn)，通過他們的經(jīng)歷做出改變呢？我會在這些房間里看到異常美麗的火花，然后我會離開這些房間，像你們一樣去參加我每天的聚會，婚禮，會議或者是返校野餐，而且大多數(shù)會歸于平淡。這些高度矛盾的群體和我的日常聚會之間，有一個(gè)明顯的差距。你可能會說，在某人的生日會上肯定不會出現(xiàn)關(guān)于矛盾的對話，但那不是我要回應(yīng)的。作為一個(gè)促進(jìn)者，你被教導(dǎo)拋開所有的事情，專注于人與人之間的相互影響，然而每天，主持者都關(guān)注怎么把事情做好——食物，鮮花，餐刀——并且把人與人之間的交流很大程度上留給機(jī)遇。

01:51

So I began to wonder how we might changeour everyday gatherings to focus on making meaning by human connection, notobsessing with the canapés. And I set out and interviewed dozens of brave andunusual hosts -- an Olympic hockey coach, a Cirque du Soleil choreographer, arabbi, a camp counselor-- to better understand what creates meaningful and eventransformative gatherings. And I want to share with you some of what I learnedtoday about the new rules of gathering.

所以我開始思考怎樣才能改變我們?nèi)粘５木蹠?，專注于通過人與人的聯(lián)系來創(chuàng)造意義，而不是沉迷于開胃菜。我開始去采訪一些勇敢的，與眾不同的人——一位奧林匹克曲棍球教練，一位太陽馬戲團(tuán)的編舞者，一位猶太教士，一位營地顧問——去更好地了解 是什么創(chuàng)造了有意義的 甚至是改革性的聚會。我想與你們分享一些 我今天學(xué)到的 關(guān)于聚會的新規(guī)則。

02:23

So when most people plan a gathering, theystart with an off-the-rack format. Birthday party? Cake and candles. Boardmeeting? One brown table, 12 white men.

當(dāng)大多數(shù)人計(jì)劃聚會的時(shí)候，他們從現(xiàn)成的方式開始。生日聚會？蛋糕和蠟燭。董事會議？一個(gè)棕色的桌子和十二個(gè)白人。

02:34

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

02:39

Assuming the purpose is obvious, we skiptoo quickly to form. This not only leads to dull and repetitive gatherings, itmisses a deeper opportunity to actually address our needs. The first step ofcreating more meaningful everyday gatherings is to embrace a specificdisputable purpose.

假設(shè)目的是顯而易見的，我們都急匆匆的直奔目的。這不僅帶來了沉悶的，千篇一律的聚會，還錯(cuò)過了更深層次的滿足我們需求的機(jī)會。創(chuàng)造有意義的日常聚會的第一步是包含一個(gè)特定的有爭議的目標(biāo)。

03:01

An expectant mother I know was dreading herbaby shower. The idea of "pin the diaper on the baby" games andopening gifts felt odd and irrelevant. So she paused to ask: What is thepurpose of a baby shower? What is my need at this moment? And she realized it wasto address her fears of her and her husband's -- remember that guy? --transition to parenthood. And so she asked two friends to invent a gatheringbased on that. And so on a sunny afternoon, six women gathered. And first, toaddress her fear of labor -- she was terrified -- they told her stories fromher life to remind her of the characteristics she already carries -- bravery,wonder, faith, surrender -- that they believed would carry her and help her inlabor as well. And as they spoke, they tied a bead for each quality into anecklace that she could wear around her neck in the delivery room.

我認(rèn)識的一位準(zhǔn)媽媽為產(chǎn)前派對感到擔(dān)憂?！皩⒛虿紕e在寶寶身上”的游戲和打開禮物的想法有些奇怪并且不扣主體。所以她停下來問：產(chǎn)前派對的目的是什么？我在這個(gè)時(shí)候的需求是什么？她意識到，這是為了消除她和她丈夫向父母轉(zhuǎn)變的——記得這個(gè)家伙嗎？——那種擔(dān)心。于是她請她的兩個(gè)好友在這個(gè)基礎(chǔ)上組織一個(gè)聚會。在一個(gè)陽光明朗的下午，六個(gè)女人聚在一起。首先談了談她對分娩的恐懼——她很害怕—— 她們給她講了一些她生活中的故事 來提醒她她已經(jīng)具備的一些特點(diǎn)—— 勇敢，能干，信仰，順服—— 她們相信這些會帶給她幫助，也會在分娩時(shí)幫助她。她們每說一個(gè)品質(zhì)，就將一顆珠子串在項(xiàng)鏈上，這樣她可以在產(chǎn)房里將項(xiàng)鏈戴在脖子上。

04:01

Next, her husband came in, and they wrotenew vows, family vows, and spoke them aloud, first committing to keep theirmarriage central as they transitioned to parenthood, but also future vows totheir future son of what they wanted to carry with them from each of theirfamily lines and what would stop with this generation. Then more friends camealong, including men, for a dinner party. And in lieu of gifts, they eachbrought a favorite memory from their childhood to share with the table.

接著，她的丈夫進(jìn)來，他們寫下新的誓約，家庭誓約，并大聲地讀出來，首先承諾當(dāng)他們的身份轉(zhuǎn)變?yōu)楦改笗r(shí)，要保持自己的婚姻的核心位置，但同時(shí)，他們還向未來的兒子期許，里面包含了他們希望兒子從兩個(gè)家族繼承的東西和到這一代為止 不會再繼續(xù)傳下去的部分。接著，更多的朋友來 參加晚宴，包括男士。取代禮物的是他們每個(gè)人都帶來了 他們兒時(shí)最好的記憶 與大家分享。

04:29

Now, you might be thinking this is a lotfor a baby shower, or it's a little weird or it's a little intimate. Good. It'sspecific. It's disputable. It's specific to them, just as your gathering shouldbe specific to you.

現(xiàn)在你可能會覺得這對于產(chǎn)前派對有點(diǎn)小題大做了，或者有點(diǎn)奇怪，或者是過于親密了。很好。這很具體。這是有爭議的。這是為他們詳細(xì)制定的，就像是你自己的聚會應(yīng)該針對你自己的情況。

04:46

The next step of creating more meaningfuleveryday gatherings is to cause good controversy. You may have learned, as Idid, never to talk about sex, politics or religion at the dinner table. It's agood rule in that it preserves harmony, or that's its intention. But it stripsaway a core ingredient of meaning, which is heat, burning relevance. The bestgatherings learn to cultivate good controversy by creating the conditions forit, because human connection is as threatened by unhealthy peace as byunhealthy conflict. I was once working with an architecture firm, and they wereat a crossroads. They had to figure out whether they wanted to continue to bean architecture firm and focus on the construction of buildings or pivot andbecome the hot new thing, a design firm, focusing on beyond the construction ofspaces. And there was real disagreement in the room, but you wouldn't know,because no one was actually speaking up publicly. And so we hosted goodcontroversy. After a lunch break, all the architects came back, and we hosted acage match. They walked in, we took one architect, put him in one corner torepresent architecture, the other one to represent design. We threw whitetowels around their necks, stolen from the bathroom -- sorry -- played Rockymusic on an iPad, got each a Don King-like manager to rev them up and preparethem with counterarguments, and then basically made them each argue the bestpossible argument of each future vision. The norm of politeness was blockingtheir progress. And we then had everybody else physically choose a side infront of their colleagues. And because they were able to actually show wherethey stood, they broke an impasse. Architecture won.

創(chuàng)造更加有意義的日常聚會的下一個(gè)步驟，是引起良好的爭端。你可能跟我一樣學(xué)到了，不要在餐桌上談?wù)撔?，政治或者宗教。這是一個(gè)好的規(guī)則，它保持了和諧，或者這就是它的意圖。但是這剝奪了意義的核心要素，即熱度，強(qiáng)烈的相關(guān)性。最好的聚會應(yīng)該通過創(chuàng)造條件來學(xué)習(xí)培養(yǎng)良好的爭端，不健康的和平和不健康的沖突同樣威脅著人類的聯(lián)系。我處理過一所建筑公司的案子，他們面臨著艱難的抉擇。他們必須弄清楚到底應(yīng)該繼續(xù)作為建筑公司致力于打造建筑，還是應(yīng)該轉(zhuǎn)型成為一家新型設(shè)計(jì)公司，也專注于空間建造之外的領(lǐng)域。大家的意見存在分歧，但是你并不知道，因?yàn)闆]有人開誠布公地說出來。于是我們主持了一場積極的辯論。在午休結(jié)束后，所有的建筑師們回到辦公室，于是我們舉辦了一場鐵籠賽。他們走進(jìn)去，我們將一個(gè)建筑師帶到一個(gè)角落代表建筑，另外一個(gè)代表設(shè)計(jì)。我們將白色毛巾掛在他們的脖子上，從浴室偷來的——抱歉—— 在ipad上播放“洛奇”配樂，給每個(gè)人一個(gè)像唐·金那樣的經(jīng)理，為他們加油鼓勁兒，并為他們準(zhǔn)備辯論，接著讓他們?yōu)楦髯晕磥淼脑妇疤岢鲎詈玫?，可能的觀點(diǎn)。常規(guī)的禮貌阻礙了他們的進(jìn)程。接著我們讓其他人在同事面前選擇自己的立場。因?yàn)樗麄兡軌蛘嬲卣故舅麄兊牧?，他們打破了僵局。建筑（一方）贏了。

06:35

So that's work. What about a hypotheticaltense Thanksgiving dinner? Anyone?

所以這是有效的。一場假設(shè)的，緊張的感恩節(jié)晚餐怎么樣？有人要參加嗎？

06:43

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

06:46

So first, ask the purpose. What does thisfamily need this year? If cultivating good heat is part of it, then try for anight banning opinions and asking for stories instead. Choose a theme relatedto the underlying conflict. But instead of opinions, ask everybody to share astory from their life and experience that nobody around the table has everheard, to difference or to belonging or to a time I changed my mind, givingpeople a way in to each other without burning the house down.

首先，詢問目的。這個(gè)家庭在這一年需要什么？如果培養(yǎng)良好的熱度是其中一個(gè)部分，那么試著用一個(gè)晚上的時(shí)間禁止發(fā)表言論，只要求聽故事。選擇一個(gè)與潛在矛盾相關(guān)的主題。但是不同于（表達(dá)）觀點(diǎn)，讓每一個(gè)人分享在場人沒有聽過的來自他們的生活和經(jīng)歷的故事，關(guān)于差異或者歸屬，或者某一次我改變主意（的故事），在不吵翻天的情況下，讓人們相互接近。

07:23

And finally, to create more meaningfuleveryday gatherings, create a temporary alternative world through the use ofpop-up rules.

最后，為了創(chuàng)造一個(gè)有意義的每日聚會，通過使用彈出式規(guī)則創(chuàng)造一個(gè)臨時(shí)的可代替的世界。

07:35

A few years ago, I started noticinginvitations coming with a set of rules. Kind of boring or controlling, right?Wrong. In this multicultural, intersectional society, where more of us aregathered and raised by people and with etiquette unlike our own, where we don'tshare the etiquette, unspoken norms are trouble, whereas pop-up rules allow usto connect meaningfully. They're one-time-only constitutions for a specificpurpose. So a team dinner, where different generations are gathering and don'tshare the same assumptions of phone etiquette: whoever looks at their phonefirst foots the bill.

幾年前，我開始注意到邀請方會帶著一系列的規(guī)則。有點(diǎn)無聊或者受到約束，對吧？錯(cuò)了。在這個(gè)多元化的，交互的社會里，我們中的大部分人是由與我們遵循著不同規(guī)矩的人們召集和撫養(yǎng)，我們不共享這些規(guī)矩，潛規(guī)則會造成麻煩，而彈出式規(guī)則能將我們有意義地聯(lián)系在一起。它們是針對特定目的的一次性的體制。所以團(tuán)隊(duì)聚餐，不同代的人聚集在一起，并不共享相同的電話禮儀假設(shè)：誰先看自己的手機(jī)，誰買單。

08:17

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

08:18

Try it.

試一試。

08:19

(Applause)

（掌聲）

08:21

For an entrepreneurial advice circle ofjust strangers, where the hosts don't want everybody to just listen to the oneventure capitalist in the room --

對于只有陌生人的創(chuàng)業(yè)咨詢?nèi)Γ鬓k方并不想要每個(gè)人只聽一個(gè)風(fēng)險(xiǎn)資本家（的建議）——

08:28

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

08:29

knowing laugh --

大家婁出了會心一笑——

08:31

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

08:32

you can't reveal what you do for a living.

你不能透漏你自己是做什么的。

08:36

For a mom's dinner, where you want to upendthe norms of what women who also happen to be mothers talk about when theygather, if you talk about your kids, you have to take a shot.

至于一個(gè)媽媽聚會，你想要顛覆常態(tài)，改變那些聚會時(shí)母親常談?wù)摰脑掝}，如果你提到了你的孩子，你需要干一杯。

08:47

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

08:50

That's a real dinner.

這是一頓真正的晚餐。

08:53

Rules are powerful, because they allow usto temporarily change and harmonize our behavior. And in diverse societies,pop-up rules carry special force. They allow us to gather across difference, toconnect, to make meaning together without having to be the same.

規(guī)則是強(qiáng)大的，因?yàn)樗鼈冏屛覀兣R時(shí)改變和協(xié)調(diào)我們的行為。在不同的社會中，彈出式規(guī)則有著特殊的力量。它們讓我們跨越差別，聚集起來，聯(lián)系起來，共同創(chuàng)造意義而不用人人相同。

09:13

When I was a child, I navigated my twoworlds by becoming a chameleon. If somebody sneezed in my mother's home, Iwould say, "Bless you," in my father's, "God bless you." Toprotect myself, I hid, as so many of us do. And it wasn't until I grew up andthrough conflict work that I began to stop hiding. And I realized thatgatherings for me, at their best, allow us to be among others, to be seen forwho we are, and to see.

在我小時(shí)候，我通過變成“變色龍”來駕馭我的兩個(gè)世界。如果有人在我媽媽家里打了個(gè)噴嚏，我會說：“保佑你?！痹谖腋赣H家，我則會說：“上帝保佑你?！睘榱吮Ｗo(hù)自己，我將自己隱藏起來，就像我們中很多人那樣。直到我長大并開始從事解決沖突的工作，我不再隱藏自己了。然后我意識到，對我來說，最好的聚會，讓我們能和他人在一起，讓別人看到我們是誰，也讓我們認(rèn)識別人。

09:51

The way we gather matters because how wegather is how we live.

我們聚集的方式很重要，因?yàn)槲覀冊鯓泳奂谝黄?，我們就是怎樣生活的?/p>

09:59

Thank you.

謝謝。

10:00

(Applause)

（掌聲）