Frau Blumental remained below in converse with the baron, but their talk was no longer about elephants and big-game hunting. After Edgar had vanished through the doorway, they were both troubled, embarrassed, and the conversation began to flag. Otto suggested they should transfer to the lounge. Here they found a quiet corner. The young man ordered more champagne; and, after they had sipped a glass or two, their oppression evaporated and the talk took a dangerous turn. Baron Otto von Sternfeldt was not handsome. His youthful appearance and manly bearing, his energetic, sunburned face, his short-cropped hair, and his sprightly manner were, however, undeniably in his favour;and these were the characteristics which exercised their spell upon the lady. She allowed her gaze to dwell upon this comely companion, and no longer feared to meet his eyes.
Gradually a certain boldness entered his speech, which ruffled her sense of security as if a hand had been laid upon her, palpating her body desirously, so that the blood raced up into her face and beat feverishly in her temples. Then she would be reassured as he flung back his head and gave vent to a boyish laugh, scattering to the winds as a childish joke any suggestion of sensuousness that might have lurked in his words. At times she thought it advisable to reprove him for, his delicate effrontery but, coquettish by nature, she rather enjoyed the implication, and eagerly looked forward to his next move. The game caught her,too, in its meshes; and in the end she was led to follow his lead. Her eyes spoke flattering promises, her lips uttered encouraging words. She even allowed him to sit closer beside her, and she felt his warm breath upon her naked shoulder. Like all those who engage upon a game, they become so engrossed that they forgot the passage of time, and it was not until the hall-clock struck midnight that the woman rose in alarm.
Then only did she realize how far the young man’s advances had gone. This was not the first time she had played with fire, but hitherto she had never permitted things to reach such a stage. With horror it was borne in upon her that she was no longer fully mistress of herself, that something intangible was slipping from her grasp, that her senses were in a whirl. Her brain reeled, what with the wine, the momentary shock of anxiety, the ardent talk....
“Good night,” she said hastily. “See you to-morrow.”
Already she was stretching forth her hand in farewell. He, however, was not inclined to let her get away so easily. He retained her hand in his with gentle mastery, and bent his lips to it ceremoniously. But the conventional act of politeness assumed ampler form as he kissed her slender finger-tips and followed up his advantage as far as her wrist. When his moustache brushed the back of her hand, she shivered slightly and a feeling of warmth invaded her being, anguishing and ravishing at one, and the same time. Again the tell-tale blood coursed swiftly, setting her pulses throbbing. Anxiety, senseless anxiety, deprived her of selfcommand and she wrenched her hand away from his grasp.
“Stay a little while longer,” Otto pleaded.
But she was already half-way to the door, walking clumsily with an excess of speed. He was more than satisfied at this display of ungainliness, for it was a sure and certain sign that the excitement he had wished to arouse was responsible for her inelegant movements. For her part, all she could think of was to get away as quickly as possible from this man who might pursue and catch her. Yet another personality within made her sorry that he did not follow....What for years she had hoped might one day happen might very well have taken place at that perilous moment: an adventure. How she loved the hazard that word implied. Often before she had been on the brink, but always she had pulled up in time. Yet she desired nothing better than to be swept off her feet by a great passion. A mere flirtation seemed to her a paltry experience.
But Sternfeldt was too proud to seize the first favorable opportunity. He knew that his victory was secured, so why take advantage of a momentary weakness when a woman’s mind was confused by liquor to make a piratical onslaught and secure the prize? No, he must play fair; she should come to him of her own accord and when in full possession of her faculties. She could not escape him now, for the sweet intoxication had entered her soul.
As she got out of the lift, she pressed her hand upon her heart to stay its furious beating. She breathed a sigh that was partly one of relief at eluding a danger and partly one of regret that danger had not overtaken her. She felt dazed. With eyes downcast, swaying slightly like a drunken person, she groped her way along the passage to her room. Another sigh of relief as she felt the cold door-handle and turned it....Safe at last!
With stealthy tread she entered, and softly closed the door so as not to disturb the child. Then she shrank back in terror. What was that, stirring over there in the darkness? She twitched all over in alarm, was about to cry for help, when a sleep-weary voice asked:
“Is that you, Mummy?”
“What on earth are you up to there?” she cried, witching on the light and running towards the sofa.
Edgar lay huddled up among the cushions, but as she advanced he sat up drowsily. Her first thought was that her child was ill, and had crept into her room for aid. But Edgar said sleepily with a note of reproach in his voice:
“I waited and waited for you to come, and then I went to sleep.”
“What did you want?”
“To hear about the elephants.”
“Elephants? What elephants?”
But even as she spoke she remembered her promise. Poor innocent, he had slipped into her room so confident that she would be true to her word and tell him about the baron’s exploits, but she had failed him,and he had fallen asleep....No, this was absurd, after all; extravagantly foolish. She was outraged. Yet at bottom she was angry with herself, feeling ashamed and guilty.
“Go to your bed at once, you young scallawag,” she cried fiercely.
Edgar looked at her in amazement. What had he done to put her into such a tantrum? The child’s bewilderment only served to infuriate her the more.
“I told you to go to your own room. Go, at once,” she said savagely, feeling all the while how unjust she was.
Without a word, Edgar slunk away. He was desperately tired and only dimly realized that his mother had broken her promise and for some unaccountable reason was angry with him. The mists of sleep encompassed his mind, and he was in no state to rebel. Every sensation was blunted by fatigue, yet he was alert enough to blame himself for having fallen asleep when it was so important to keep awake, “l(fā)ike a silly kid,” he told himself reproachfully, as he drifted off into the Land of Nod. Since yesterday morning his childhood had become detestable to him.
母親和男爵又在桌旁坐了一會兒,但是他們不再談象和打獵的事了。孩子離開他們之后,他們的談話氣氛有一點(diǎn)壓抑,有一點(diǎn)微妙的不安的困窘。后來他們來到前廳,坐在一個(gè)角落里。男爵比任何時(shí)候都更加神采飛揚(yáng),而幾杯香檳酒又使她興味盎然,所以談話很快就具有了危險(xiǎn)性質(zhì)。本來男爵談不上漂亮,他只是因?yàn)槟贻p,頭發(fā)剪得短短的,一張棕黑色的精力旺盛的娃娃臉,很有點(diǎn)男子氣魄,他那靈活而幾乎是調(diào)皮的動作撩得她意馬心猿?,F(xiàn)在她樂于從近處看他,也不害怕他的目光了。在他談話之中,逐漸有了一種使她略感困惑的放肆,有某種類似撫摸她的身體的東西,有一種觸及她的身體又迅速移開的東西,有某種捉摸不定的欲望,這使得她雙頰緋紅。隨后他又輕快地笑著,無拘無束,像個(gè)孩子。這就使得這些細(xì)微、輕浮的欲念,好像是孩子鬧著玩似的。有時(shí)她覺得該對他說句嚴(yán)厲的話。但是她生性喜歡賣弄風(fēng)情,被這些淫猥的話兒撩撥得心癢難當(dāng),只想更多地消受。這種放肆的游戲使她感到銷魂。后來她自己也模仿起來。她頻送秋波,暗示允諾,完全沉湎在這綿綿情話和狎昵動作中,甚至容許他挨近。他的聲音有時(shí)使她感覺到他那熱乎乎的、戰(zhàn)栗的呼吸正噴在她的肩頭上。像一切賭徒一樣,他們也忘掉了時(shí)間,完全陶醉在銷魂的談話之中。到了午夜,前廳里開始熄燈的時(shí)候,他們才猛然一驚。
一驚之下,她立即一躍而起,猛然感到自己太放肆了,竟干出了這樣的事。本來她也是個(gè)玩火的里手,但現(xiàn)在她那已被撩撥起來的本能業(yè)已感覺到,火已玩到這個(gè)危險(xiǎn)的人身邊了。她戰(zhàn)栗地發(fā)現(xiàn),自己已不能再把握住自己,心里有什么東西開始在蠕動,看什么都很興奮,宛如一個(gè)人在發(fā)高燒時(shí)的感覺一樣。恐懼、酒和火熱的話語在她頭腦里回旋激蕩,一種惱人的、莫名的恐懼攫住了她,她一生中這種恐懼在類似這樣的危險(xiǎn)時(shí)刻里曾經(jīng)歷過數(shù)次,但是都沒有這一次那樣令人頭暈?zāi)垦?,如此猛烈無情?!巴戆?,晚安。明早再見!”她急匆匆地說著,想逃遁而去。這倒不是為了逃脫,而是為了逃開此刻的危險(xiǎn),逃脫她自己心中一種新奇的、陌生的、欲推猶就的窘境。男爵輕輕抓住她告別時(shí)伸出來的手,吻著。不是通常的吻一次,而是用嘴唇從纖秀的手指尖一直到手腕,顫抖著吻了四五次。她感到他硬硬的胡須在她手背上戳得癢癢的,她起了一陣微微的哆嗦。某種溫暖的、令人窒息的感情,從手背上隨著血液流貫全身??謶痔鹈鄣匾u來,她的太陽穴嘣嘣直跳,頭在發(fā)熱??謶?,這莫名的恐懼現(xiàn)在使得她全身戰(zhàn)栗起來,她急忙從他手里抽回了自己的手。
“您再待會兒嘛?!蹦芯羟那牡卣f。可是她已經(jīng)倉皇失措地匆匆跑走了,這個(gè)動作使她的恐懼和慌亂暴露得一目了然?,F(xiàn)在她心里很興奮,這也正是男爵的意圖。她覺得,她的感情越來越不能解釋了。殘酷得灼人的恐懼在追逐著她,把她抓住,但就在逃開的時(shí)候,她同時(shí)又為他沒有這樣做而感到惋惜。她多年來下意識渴望的事情,很可能會在這種時(shí)刻發(fā)生。從前這種艷事她總是在最后關(guān)頭把它擺脫開了,可對它的氣息她愛得如癡如醉,這種巨大的、危險(xiǎn)的艷事,這種不是轉(zhuǎn)瞬即逝的撩人的調(diào)情??墒悄芯艉茯湴?,不去捕捉這個(gè)良機(jī)。他對自己的勝利滿有把握,因而不想在這個(gè)女人酒意朦朧、不能自持的時(shí)候把她弄到手,正相反,只有神志清醒時(shí)的斗爭和委身,才會激起這個(gè)手段光明正大的賭棍的興趣。她是逃不出他的手心的。他看到,她血管里火辣辣的毒藥使她戰(zhàn)栗了。
她在樓梯上停住腳步,用手按著氣喘吁吁的心口。她得休息一分鐘。她的神經(jīng)已經(jīng)受不住了。她從胸口發(fā)出一聲嘆息,這嘆息,半是慶幸自己脫離了危險(xiǎn),半是惋惜;這一切都像一團(tuán)亂麻,弄得人頭暈?zāi)垦#駸o主。她半閉雙眼,像喝醉了酒一樣,在往她的房門那兒摸索,接著她深深地舒了一口氣,因?yàn)樗K于抓住了冰涼的門把手。這時(shí)她才感到安全了!
她輕輕推門進(jìn)了房里,馬上就嚇得退了回來。房里,在里邊暗處,有什么東西動了一下。她那興奮的神經(jīng)劇烈地戰(zhàn)栗了。她正想呼救的當(dāng)兒,從里面發(fā)出了一個(gè)輕輕的、睡意蒙眬的聲音:“是你嗎,媽媽?”
“上帝保佑,你在這里干嗎?”說著她就直奔沙發(fā)床。埃德加正蜷縮成一團(tuán)在上面躺著,剛剛醒來。她第一個(gè)念頭就認(rèn)為這孩子準(zhǔn)是病了,或者是需要什么東西。
但是埃德加卻仍帶著睡意,用略帶一點(diǎn)責(zé)備的口氣說:“我等你好久,后來就睡著了?!?/p>
“干嗎等我?”
“為了大象?!?/p>
“什么大象?”
現(xiàn)在她才想起,她確實(shí)答應(yīng)今天晚上就把打獵的故事和其他冒險(xiǎn)故事全講給他聽的。因此孩子跑到她房間里來了。這單純、幼稚的孩子,他深信不疑地等著她,等著等著,就睡著了。這種放肆的舉動激怒了她,或許她本來是對自己發(fā)火,她想大喊大叫來掩飾自己的罪過和羞愧?!榜R上回自己床上去,你這沒有教養(yǎng)的東西!”她對他嚷了起來。埃德加詫異地望著她。她為什么對他發(fā)那么大的火?他又沒有做什么錯(cuò)事。但是他的驚訝卻似火上加油?!榜R上到自己房里去!”她怒氣沖沖地吼道,這時(shí),她感到委屈他了。埃德加默默地走了。原來他已經(jīng)疲倦極了,透過蒙眬的睡意,他遲鈍地感覺到,他母親沒有遵守自己的諾言,這樣對待他是不公正的。但是他沒有反抗。因?yàn)槔Ь耄X得什么都是昏昏沉沉的,一切都是麻木遲鈍的,隨后他又生自己的氣,竟在這里睡著了,沒有醒著等媽媽?!巴耆駛€(gè)孩子。”在重新入睡以前,他還在生自己的氣。
因?yàn)閺淖蛱炱?,他就恨自己的童年了?/p>
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