雙語·傷心咖啡館之歌 家庭困境

A Domestic Dilemma

On Thursday Martin Meadows left the office early enough to make the frst express bus home. It was the hour when the evening lilac glow was fading in the slushy streets, but by the time the bus had left the mid-town terminal the bright city night had come.On Thursdays the maid had a half-day off and Martin liked to get home as soon as possible, since for the past year his wife had not been-well.This Thursday he was very tired and, hoping that no regular commuter would single him out for conversation, he fastened his attention to the newspaper until the bus had crossed the George Washington Bridge.Once on 9-W Highway Martin always felt that the trip was halfway done, he breathed deeply, even in cold weather when only ribbons of draught cut through the smoky air of the bus, confdent that he was breathing country air.It used to be that at this point he would relax and begin to think with pleasure of his home.But in this last year nearness brought only a sense of tension and he did not anticipate the journey's end.This evening Martin kept his face close to the window and watched the barren fields and lonely lights of passing townships.There was a moon, pale on the dark earth and areas of late, porous snow；to Martin the countryside seemed vast and somehow desolate that evening.He took his hat from the rack and put his folded newspaper in the pocket of his overcoat a few minutes before time to pull the cord.

The cottage was a block from the bus stop, near the river but not directly on the shore；from the living-room window you could look across the street and opposite yard and see the Hudson. The cottagewas modern, almost too white and new on the narrow plot of yard.In summer the grass was soft and bright and Martin carefully tended a fower border and a rose trellis.But during the cold, fallow months the yard was bleak and the cottage seemed naked.Lights were on that evening in all the rooms in the little house and Martin hurried up the front walk.Before the steps he stopped to move a wagon out of the way.

The children were in the living-room, so intent on play that the opening of the front door was at first unnoticed. Martin stood looking at his safe, lovely children.They had opened the bottom drawer of the secretary and taken out the Christmas decorations.Andy had managed to plug in the Christmas tree lights and the green and red bulbs glowed with out-of-season festivity on the rug of the living-room.At the moment he was trying to trail the bright chord over Marianne's rocking horse.Marianne sat on the foor pulling off an angel's wings.The children wailed a startling welcome.Martin swung the fat little baby girl up to his shoulder and Andy threw himself against his father's legs.

“Daddy, Daddy, Daddy！”

Martin set down the little girl carefully and swung Andy a few times like a pendulum. Then he picked up the Christmas-tree cord.

“What's all this stuff doing out?Help me put it back in the drawer. You're not to fool with the light socket.Remember I told you that before.I mean it, Andy.”

The six-year-old child nodded and shut the secretary drawer. Martin stroked his fair soft hair and his hand lingered tenderly on the nape of the child's frail neck.

“Had supper yet, Bumpkin?”

“It hurt. The toast was hot.”

The baby girl stumbled on the rug and, after the frst surprise of the fall, began to cry；Martin picked her up and carried her in his arms back to the kitchen.

“See, Daddy，”said Andy.“The toast—”

Emily had laid the children's supper on the uncovered porcelain table. There were two plates with the remains of cream-of-wheat and eggs and silver mugs that had held milk.There was also a platter of cinnamon toast, untouched except for one tooth-marked bite.Martin sniffed the bitten piece and nibbed gingerly.Then he put the toast into the garbage pail.

“Hoo-phui—What on earth！”

Emily had mistaken the tin of cayenne for the cinnamon.

“I like to have burnt up，”Andy said.“Drank water and ran outdoors and opened my mouth. Marianne didn't eat none.”

“Any，”corrected Martin. He stood helpless, looking around the walls of the kitchen.“Well, that's that, I guess，”he said fnally.“Where is your mother now?”

“She's up in you alls'room.”

Martin left the children in the kitchen and went up to his wife. Outside the door he waited for a moment to still his anger.He did not knock and once inside the room he closed the door behind him.

Emily sat in the rocking chair by the window of the pleasant room. She had been drinking something from a tumbler and as he entered she put the glass hurriedly on the foor behind the chair.In her attitude there was confusion and guilt which she tried to hide by a show of spurious vivacity.

“Oh, Marty！You home already?The time slipped up on me. I was just going down—”She lurched to him and her kiss was strong with sherry.When he stood unresponsive she stepped back a pace and giggled nervously.

“What's the matter with you?Standing there like a barber pole. Is anything wrong with you?”

“Wrong with me?”Martin bent over the rocking chair and picked up the tumbler from the foor.“If you could only realize how sick I am-how bad it is for all of us.”

Emily spoke in a false, airy voice that had become too familiar to him. Often at such times she affected a slight English accent, copying perhaps some actress she admired，“I haven't the vaguest idea what you mean.Unless you are referring to the glass I used for a spot of sherry.I had a fnger of sherry-maybe two.But what is the crime in that, pray tell me?I'm quite all right.Quite all right.”

“So anyone can see.”

As she went into the bathroom Emily walked with careful gravity. She turned on the cold water and dashed some on her face with her cupped hands, then patted herself dry with the corner of a bath towel.Her face was delicately featured and young, unblemished.

“I was just going down to make dinner.”She tottered and balanced herself by holding to the door frame.

“I'll take care of dinner. You stay up here.I'll bring it up.”

“I'll do nothing of the sort. Why, whoever heard of such a thing?”

“Please，”Martin said.

“Leave me alone. I'm quite all right.I was just on the way down—”

“Mind what I say.”

“Mind your grandmother.”

She lurched toward the door, but Martin caught her by the arm.“I don't want the children to see you in this condition. Be reasonable.”

“Condition！”Emily jerked her arm. Her voice rose angrily.“Why, because I drink a couple of sherries in the afternoon you're trying to make me out a drunkard.Condition！Why, I don't even touch whiskey.As well you know.I don't swill liquor at bars.And that's more than you can say.I don't even have a cocktail at dinnertime.I only sometimes have a glass of sherry.What, I ask you, is the disgrace of that?Condition！”

Martin sought words to calm his wife.“We'll have a quiet supper by ourselves up here. That's a good girl.”Emily sat on the side of the bed and he opened the door for a quick departure.

“I'll be back in a jiffy.”

As he busied himself with the dinner downstairs he was lost in the familiar question as to how this problem had come upon his home. He himself had always enjoyed a good drink.When they were still living in Alabama they had served long drinks or cocktails as a matter of course.For years they had drunk one or two-possibly three drinks before dinner, and at bedtime a long nightcap.Evenings before holidays they might get a buzz on, might even become a little tight.But alcohol had never seemed a problem to him, only a bothersome expense that with the increase in the family they could scarcely afford.It was only after his company had transferred him to New York that Martin was aware that certainly his wife was drinking too much.She was tippling, he noticed, during the day.

The problem acknowledged, he tried to analyze the source. The change from Alabama to New York had somehow disturbed her；accustomed to the idle warmth of a small Southern town, the matrix of the family and cousinship and childhood friends, she had failed to accommodate herself to the stricter, lonelier mores of the North.The duties of motherhood and housekeeping were onerous to her.Homesick for Paris City, she had made no friends in the suburban town.She read only magazines and murder books.Her interior life was insuffcient without the artifce of alcohol.

The revelations of incontinence insidiously undermined his previous conceptions of his wife. There were times of unexplainable malevolence, times when the alcoholic fuse caused an explosion of unseemly anger.He encountered a latent coarseness in Emily, inconsistent with her natural simplicity.She lied about drinking and deceived him with unsuspected stratagems.

Then there was an accident. Coming home from work one evening about a year ago, he was greeted with screams from the children's room.He found Emily holding the baby, wet and naked from her bath.The baby had been dropped, her frail, frail skull striking the table edge, so that a thread of blood was soaking into the gossamer hair.Emily was sobbing and intoxicated.As Martincradled the hurt child, so infnitely precious at that moment, he had an affrighted vision of the future.

The next day Marianne was all right. Emily vowed that never again would she touch liquor, and for a few weeks she was sober, cold and downcast.Then gradually she began-not whisky or gin-but quantities of beer, or sherry, or outlandish liqueurs；once he had come across a hatbox of empty crême-de-menthe bottles.Martin found a dependable maid who managed the household competently.Virgie was also from Alabama and Martin had never dared tell Emily the wage scale customary in New York.Emily’s drinking was entirely secret now, done before he reached the house.Usually the effects were almost imperceptible-a looseness of movement or the heavy-lidded eyes.The times of irresponsibilities, such as the cayenne-pepper toast, were rare, and Martin could dismiss his worries when Virgie was at the house.But, nevertheless, anxiety was always latent, a threat of indefned disaster that underlay his days.

“Marianne！”Martin called, for even the recollection of that time brought the need for reassurance. The baby girl, no longer hurt, but no less precious to her father, came into the kitchen with her brother.Martin went on with the preparations for the meal.He opened a can of soup and put two chops in the frying-pan.Then he sat down by the table and took his Marianne on his knees for a pony ride.Andy watched them, his fngers wobbling the tooth that had been loose all that week.

“Andy-the-candyman！”Martin said.“Is that old critter still in your mouth?Come closer, let Daddy have a look.”

“I got a string to pull it with.”The child brought from his pocket a tangled thread.“Virgie said to tie it to the tooth and tie the other end of the doorknob and shut the door real suddenly.”

Martin took out a clean handkerchief and felt the loose tooth carefully.“That tooth is coming out of my Andy's mouth tonight. Otherwise I'm awfully afraid we'll have a tooth tree in the family.”

“A what?”

“A tooth tree，”Martin said.“You'll bite into something and swallow that tooth. And the tooth will take root in poor Andy's stomach and grow into a tooth tree with sharp little teeth instead of leaves.”

“Shoo, Daddy，”Andy said. But he held the tooth frmly between his grimy little thumb and forefnger.“There ain't any tree like that.I never seen one.”

“There isn't any tree like that and I never saw one.”

Martin tensed suddenly. Emily was coming down the stairs.He listened to her fumbling footsteps, his arm embracing the little boy with dread.When Emily came into the room he saw from her movements and her sullen face that she had again been at the sherry bottle.She began to yank open drawers and set the table.

“Condition！”she said in a furry voice.“You talk to me like that. Don't think I'll forget.I remember every dirty lie you say to me.Don't you think for a minute that I forget.”

“Emily！”he begged.“The children—”

“The children-yes！Don't think I don't see through your dirty plots and schemes. Down here trying to turn my own children against me.Don't think I don't see and understand.”

“Emily！I beg you-please go upstairs.”

“So you can turn my children-my very own children—”Two large tears coursed rapidly down her cheeks.“Trying to turn my little boy, my Andy, against his own mother.”

With drunken impulsiveness Emily knelt on the foor before the startled child. Her hands on his shoulders balanced her.“Listen, my Andy-you wouldn't listen to any lies your father tells you?You wouldn't believe what he says?Listen, Andy, what was your father telling you before I came downstairs?”Uncertain, the child sought his father's face.“Tell me.Mama wants to know.”

“About the tooth tree.”

“What?”

The child repeated the words and she echoed them withunbelieving terror.“The tooth tree！”She swayed and renewed her grasp on the child's shoulder.“I don't know what you're talking about. But listen, Andy, Mama is all right, isn't she?”The tears were spilling down her face and Andy drew back from her, for he was afraid.Grasping the table edge, Emily stood up.

“See！You have turned my child against me.”

Marianne began to cry, and Martin took her in his arms.

“That's all right, you can take your child. You have always shown partiality from the very first.I don't mind, but at least you can leave me my little boy.”

Andy edged close to his father and touched his leg.“Daddy，”he wailed.

Martin took the children to the foot of the stairs.“Andy, you take up Marianne and Daddy will follow you in a minute.”

“But Mama?”the child asked, whispering.

“Mama will be all right. Don't worry.”

Emily was sobbing at the kitchen table, her face buried in the crook of her arm. Martin poured a cup of soup and set it before her.Her rasping sobs unnerved him；the vehemence of her emotion, irrespective of the source, touched in him a strain of tenderness.Unwillingly he laid his hand on her dark hair.“Sit up and drink the soup.”Her face as she looked up at him was chastened and imploring.The boy's withdrawal or the touch of Martin's hand had turned the tenor of her mood.

“Ma-Martin，”she sobbed.“I'm so ashamed.”

“Drink the soup.”

Obeying him, she drank between gasping breaths. After a second cup she allowed him to lead her up to their room.She was docile now and more restrained.He laid her nightgown on the bed and was about to leave the room when a fresh round of grief, the alcoholic tumult, came again.

“He turned away. My Andy looked at me and turned away.”

Impatience and fatigue hardened his voice, but he spoke warily.“You forget that Andy is still a little child-he can't comprehend the meaning of such scenes.”

“Did I make a scene?Oh, Martin, did I make a scene before the children?”

Her horrified face touched and amused him against his will.“Forget it Put on your nightgown and go to sleep.”

“My child turned away from me. Andy looked at his mother and turned away.The children—”

She was caught in the rhythmic sorrow of alcohol. Martin withdrew from the room saying：“For God's sake go to sleep.The children will forget by tomorrow.”

As he said this he wondered if it was true. Would the scene glide so easily from memory-or would it root in the unconscious to fester in the after-years?Martin did not know, and the last alternative sickened him.He thought of Emily, foresaw the morning-after humiliation：the shards of memory, the lucidities that glared from the obliterating darkness of shame.She would call the New York offce twice-possibly three or four times.Martin anticipated his own embarrassment, wondering if the others at the offce could possibly suspect.He felt that his secretary had divined the trouble long ago and that she pitied him.He suffered a moment of rebellion against his fate；he hated his wife.

Once in the children's room he closed the door and felt secure for the first time that evening. Marianne fell down on the floor, picked herself up and calling：“Daddy, watch me，”fell again, got up, and continued the falling-calling routine.Andy sat in the child's low chair, wobbling the tooth.Martin ran the water in the tub, washed his own hands in the lavatory, and called the boy into the bathroom.

“Let's have another look at that tooth.”Martin sat on the toilet, holding Andy between his knees. The child's mouth gaped and Martin grasped the tooth.A wobble, a quick twist and the nacreous milk tooth was free.Andy's face was for the first moment split between terror, astonishment, and delight.He mouthed a swallow ofwater and spat into the lavatory.

“Look, Daddy！It's blood. Marianne！”

Martin loved to bathe his children, loved inexpressibly the tender, naked bodies as they stood in the water so exposed. It was not fair of Emily to say that he showed partiality.As Martin soaped the delicate boy-body of his son he felt that further love would be impossible.Yet he admitted the difference in the quality of his emotions for the two children.His love for his daughter was graver, touched with a strain of melancholy, a gentleness that was akin to pain.His pet names for the little boy were the absurdities of daily inspiration-he called the little girl always Marianne, and his voice as he spoke it was a caress.Martin patted dry the fat baby stomach and the sweet little genital fold.The washed child faces were radiant as fower petals, equally loved.

“I'm putting the tooth under my pillow. I'm supposed to get a quarter.”

“What for?”

“You know, Daddy. Johnny got a quarter for his tooth.”

“Who puts the quarter there?”asked Martin.“I used to think the fairies left it in the night. It was a dime in my day, though.”

“That's what they say in kindergarten.”

“Who does put it there?”

“Your parents，”Andy said.“You！”

Martin was pinning the cover on Marianne's bed. His daughter was already asleep.Scarcely breathing.Martin bent over and kissed her forehead, kissed again the tiny hand that lay palm-upward, fung in slumber beside her head.

“Good night, Andy-man.”

The answer was only a drowsy murmur. After a minute Martin took out his change and slid a quarter underneath the pillow.He left a night-light in the room.

As Martin prowled about the kitchen making a late meal, it occurred to him that the children had not once mentioned their motheror the scene that must have seemed to them incomprehensible. Absorbed in the instant-the tooth, the bath, the quarter-the fluid passage of child-time had borne these weightless episodes like leaves in the swift current of a shallow stream while the adult enigma was beached and forgotten on the shore.Martin thanked the Lord for that.

But his own anger, repressed and lurking, arose again. His youth was being frittered by a drunkard's waste, his very manhood subtly undermined.And the children, once the immunity of incomprehension passed-what would it be like in a year or so?With his elbows on the table he ate his food brutishly, untasting.There was no hiding the truth-soon there would be gossip in the offce and in the town；his wife was a dissolute woman.Dissolute.And he and his children were bound to a future of degradation and slow ruin.

Martin pushed away from the table and stalked into the living-room. He followed the lines of a book with his eyes but his mind conjured miserable images：he saw his children drowned in the river, his wife a disgrace on the public street.By bedtime the dull, hard anger was like a weight upon his chest and his feet dragged as he climbed the stairs.

The room was dark except for the shafting light from the half-opened bathroom door. Martin undressed quietly.Little by little, mysteriously, there came in him a change.His wife was asleep, her peaceful respiration sounding gently in the room.Her high-heeled shoes with the carelessly dropped stockings made to him a mute appeal.Her underclothes were fung in disorder on the chair.Martin picked up the girdle and the soft, silk brassiere and stood for a moment with them in his hands.For the frst time that evening he looked at his wife.His eyes rested on the sweet forehead, the arch of the fne brow.The brow had descended to Marianne, and the tilt at the end of the delicate nose.In his son he could trace the high cheekbones and pointed chin.Her body was full-bosomed, slenderand undulant.As Martin watched the tranquil slumber of his wife the ghost of the old anger vanished.All thoughts of blame or blemish were distant from him now.Martin put out the bathroom light and raised the window.Careful not to awaken Emily he slid into the bed.By moonlight he watched his wife for the last time.His hand sought the adjacent flesh and sorrow paralleled desire in the immense complexity of love.