Why read this book to find out how to win friends? Why not study the technique of the greatest winner of friends the world has ever known? Who is he? You may meet him tomorrow coming down the street. When you get within ten feet of him, he will begin to wag his tail. If you stop and pat him, he will almost jump out of his skin to show you how much he likes you. And you know that behind this show of affection on his part, there are no ulterior motives: he doesn't want to sell you any real estate, and he doesn't want to marry you.
Did you ever stop to think that a dog is the only animal that doesn't have to work for a living? A hen has to lay eggs, a cow has to give milk, and a canary has to sing. But a dog makes his living by giving you nothing but love.
When I was five years old, my father bought a little yellow-haired pup for fifty cents. He was the light and joy of my childhood. Every afternoon about four-thirty, he would sit in the front yard with his beautiful eyes staring steadfastly at the path, and as soon as he heard my voice or saw me swinging my dinner pail through the buck brush, he was off like a shot, racing breathlessly up the hill to greet me with leaps of joy and barks of sheer ecstasy.
Tippy was my constant companion for five years. Then one tragic night—I shall never forget it—he was killed within ten feet of my head, killed by lightning. Tippy's death was the tragedy of my boyhood.
You never read a book on psychology, Tippy. You didn't need to. You knew by some divine instinct that you can make more friends in two months by becoming genuinely interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you. Let me repeat that. You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.
Yet I know and you know people who blunder through life trying to wigwag other people into becoming interested in them.
Of course, it doesn't work. People are not interested in you. They are not interested in me. They are interested in themselves— morning, noon and after dinner.
The New York Telephone Company made a detailed study of telephone conversations to find out which word is the most frequently used.You have guessed it: it is the personal pronoun“I.”“I.”“I.”It was used 3,900 times in 500 telephone conversations.“I.”“I.”“I.”“I.”
When you see a group photograph that you are in, whose picture do you look for first?
If we merely try to impress people and get people interested in us, we will never have many true, sincere friends. Friends, real friends, are not made that way.
Napoleon tried it, and in his last meeting with Josephine he said:“Josephine, I have been as fortunate as any man ever was on this earth; and yet, at this hour, you are the only person in the world on whom I can rely.”And historians doubt whether he could rely even on her.
Alfred Adler, the famous Viennese psychologist, wrote a book entitled What Life Should Mean to You. In that book he says:“It is the individual who is not interested in his fellow men who has the greatest difficulties in life and provides the greatest injury to others. It is from among such individuals that all human failures spring.”
You may read scores of erudite tomes on psychology without coming across a statement more significant for you and for me. Adler's statement is so rich with meaning that 1 am going to repeat it in italics:
It is the individual who is not interested in his fellow men who has the greatest difficulties in life and provides the greatest injury to others. It is from among such individuals that all human failures spring.
I once took a course in short-story writing at New York University, and during that course the editor of a leading magazine talked to our class. He said he could pick up any one of the dozens of stories that drifted across his desk every day and after reading a few paragraphs he could feel whether or not the author liked people.“If the author doesn't like people,”he said,“people won't like his or her stories.”
This hard-boiled editor stopped twice in the course of his talk on fiction writing and apologized for preaching a sermon.“I am telling you,”he said,“the same things your preacher would tell you, but remember, you have to be interested in people if you want to be a successful writer of stories.”
If that is true of writing fiction, you can be sure it is true of dealing with people face-to-face.
I spent an evening in the dressing room of Howard Thurston the last time he appeared on Broadway—Thurston was the acknowledged dean of magicians. For forty years he had traveled all over the world, time and again, creating illusions, mystifying audiences, and making people gasp with astonishment. More than 60 million people had paid admission to his show, and he had made almost $2 million in profit.
I asked Mr. Thurston to tell me the secret of his success. His schooling certainly had nothing to do with it, for he ran away from home as a small boy, became a hobo, rode in boxcars, slept in haystacks, begged his food from door to door, and learned to read by looking out of boxcars at signs along the railway.
Did he have a superior knowledge of magic? No, he told me hundreds of books had been written about legerdemain and scores of people knew as much about it as he did. But he had two things that the others didn't have. First, he had the ability to put his personality across the footlights. He was a master showman. He knew human nature. Everything he did, every gesture, every intonation of his voice, every lifting of an eyebrow had been carefully rehearsed in advance, and his actions were timed to split seconds. But, in addition to that, Thurston had a genuine interest in people. He told me that many magicians would look at the audience and say to themselves,“Well, there is a bunch of suckers out there, a bunch of hicks; I'll fool them all right.”But Thurston's method was totally different. He told me that every time he went on stage he said to himself:“I am grateful because these people come to see me. They make it possible for me to make my living in a very agreeable way. I'm going to give them the very best I possibly can.”
He declared he never stepped in front of the footlights without first saying to himself over and over:“I love my audience. I love my audience.”Ridiculous? Absurd? You are privileged to think anything you like. I am merely passing it on to you without comment as a recipe used by one of the most famous magicians of all time.
George Dyke of North Warren, Pennsylvania, was forced to retire from his service station business after thirty years when a new highway was constructed over the site of his station. It wasn't long before the idle days of retirement began to bore him, so he started filling in his time trying to play music on his old fiddle. Soon he was traveling the area to listen to music and talk with many of the accomplished fiddlers. In his humble and friendly way he became generally interested in learning the background and interests of every musician he met. Although he was not a great fiddler himself, he made many friends in this pursuit. He attended competitions and soon became known to the country music fans in the eastern part of the United States as“Uncle George, the Fiddle Scraper from Kinzua County.”When we heard Uncle George, he was seventy-two and enjoying every minute of his life. By having a sustained interest in other people, he created a new life for himself at a time when most people consider their productive years over.
That, too, was one of the secrets of Theodore Roosevelt's astonishing popularity. Even his servants loved him. His valet, James E. Amos, wrote a book about him entitled Theodore Roosevelt, Hero to His Valet. In that book Amos relates this illuminating incident:
My wife one time asked the President about a bobwhite. She had never seen one and he described it to her fully. Sometime later, the telephone at our cottage rang. [Amos and his wife lived in a little cottage on the Roosevelt estate at Oyster Bay. ] My wife answered it and it was Mr. Roosevelt himself. He had called her, he said, to tell her that there was a bobwhite outside her window and that if she would look out she might see it. Little things like that were so characteristic of him. Whenever he went by our cottage, even though we were out of sight, we would hear him call out:“Oo—oo—oo, Annie?”or“Oo—oo—oo, James!”It was just a friendly greeting as he went by.
How could employees keep from liking a man like that? How could anyone keep from liking him?
Roosevelt called at the White House one day when the President and Mrs. Taft were away. His honest liking for humble people was shown by the fact that he greeted all the old White House servants by name, even the scullery maids.
“When he saw Alice, the kitchen maid,”writes Archie Butt,“he asked her if she still made corn bread. Alice told him that she sometimes made it for the servants, but no one ate it upstairs.
“‘They show bad taste,’Roosevelt boomed,‘a(chǎn)nd I'll tell the President so when I see him.’
“Alice brought a piece to him on a plate, and he went over to the office eating it as he went and greeting gardeners and laborers as he passed.…
“He addressed each person just as he had addressed them in the past. Ike Hoover, who had been head usher at the White House for forty years, said with tears in his eyes:‘It is the only happy day we had in nearly two years, and not one of us would exchange it for a hundred-dollar bill.’”
The same concern for the seemingly unimportant people helped sales representative Edward M. Sykes, Jr., of Chatham, New Jersey, retain an account.“Many years ago,”he reported,“I called on customers for Johnson and Johnson in the Massachusetts area. One account was a drugstore in Hingham. Whenever I went into this store I would always talk to the soda clerk and sales clerk for a few minutes before talking to the owner to obtain his order. One day I went up to the owner of the store, and he told me to leave as he was not interested in buying J&J products anymore because he felt they were concentrating their activities on food and discount stores to the detriment of the small drugstore. I left with my tail between my legs and drove around the town for several hours. Finally, I decided to go back and try at least to explain our position to the owner of the store.
“When I returned I walked in and as usual said hello to the soda clerk and sales clerk. When I walked up to the owner, he smiled at me and welcomed me back. He then gave me double the usual order. I looked at him with surprise and asked him what had happened since my visit only a few hours earlier. He pointed to the young man at the soda fountain and said that after I had left, the boy had come over and said that I was one of the few salespeople that called on the store that even bothered to say hello to him and to the others in the store. He told the owner that if any salesperson deserved his business, it was I. The owner agreed and remained a loyal customer. I never forgot that to be genuinely interested in other people is a most important quality for a salesperson to possess—for any person, for that matter.”
I have discovered from personal experience that one can win the attention and time and cooperation of even the most sought-after people by becoming genuinely interested in them. Let me illustrate.
Years ago I conducted a course in fiction writing at the Brooklyn Institute of Arts and Sciences, and we wanted such distinguished and busy authors as kathleen Norris, Fannie Hurst, Ida Tarbell, Albert Payson Terhune and Rupert Hughes to come to Brooklyn and give us the benefit of their experiences. So we wrote them, saying we admired their work and were deeply interested in getting their advice and learning the secrets of their success.
Each of these letters was signed by about a hundred and fifty students. We said we realized that these authors were busy—too busy to prepare a lecture. So we enclosed a list of questions for them to answer about themselves and their methods of work. They liked that. Who wouldn't like it? So they left their homes and traveled to Brooklyn to give us a helping hand.
By using the same method, I persuaded Leslie M. Shaw, secretary of the treasury in Theodore Roosevelt's cabinet; George W. Wickersham, attor ney general in Taft's cabinet; William Jennings Bryan; Franklin D. Roosevelt and many other prominent men to come to talk to the students of my courses in public speaking.
All of us, be we workers in a factory, clerks in an office or even a king upon his throne—all of us like people who admire us. Take the German Kaiser, for example. At the close of World War I he was probably the most savagely and universally despised man on this earth. Even his own nation turned against him when he fled over into Holland to save his neck. The hatred against him was so intense that millions of people would have loved to tear him limb from limb or burn him at the stake. In the midst of all this forest fire of fury, one little boy wrote the Kaiser a simple, sincere letter glowing with kindliness and admiration. This little boy said that no matter what the others thought, he would always love Wilhelm as his Emperor. The Kaiser was deeply touched by his letter and invited the little boy to come to see him. The boy came, so did his mother—and the Kaiser married her. That little boy didn't need to read a book on how to win friends and influence people. He knew how instinctively.
If we want to make friends, let's put ourselves out to do things for other people—things that require time, energy, unselfishness and thoughtfulness. When the Duke of Windsor was Prince of Wales, he was scheduled to tour South America, and before he started out on that tour he spent months studying Spanish so that he could make public talks in the language of the country; and the South Americans loved him for it.
For years I made it a point to find out the birthdays of my friends. How? Although I haven't the foggiest bit of faith in astrology, I began by asking the other party whether he believed the date of one's birth has anything to do with character and disposition. I then asked him or her to tell me the month and day of birth. If he or she said November 24, for example, I kept repeating to myself,“November 24, November 24.”The minute my friend's back was turned, I wrote down the name and birthday and later would transfer it to a birthday book. At the beginning of each year, I had these birthday dates scheduled in my calendar pad so that they came to my attention automatically. When the natal day arrived, there was my letter or telegram. What a hit it made! I was frequently the only person on earth who remembered.
If we want to make friends, let's greet people with animation and enthusiasm. When somebody calls you on the telephone use the same psychology. Say“Hello”in tones that bespeak how pleased you are to have the person call. Many companies train their telephone operators to greet all callers in a tone of voice that radiates interest and enthusiasm. The caller feels the company is concerned about them. Let's remember that when we answer the telephone tomorrow.
Showing a genuine interest in others not only wins friends for you, but may develop in its customers a loyalty to your company. In an issue of the publication of the National Bank of North America of New York, the following letter from Madeline Rosedale, a depositor, was published:
I would like you to know how much I appreciate your staff. Everyone is so courteous, polite and helpful. What a pleasure it is, after waiting on a long line, to have the teller greet you pleasantly.
Last year my mother was hospitalized for five months. Frequently I went to Marie Petrucello, a teller. She was concerned about my mother and inquired about her progress.
Is there any doubt that Mrs. Rosedale will continue to use this bank?
Charles R. Walters, of one of the large banks in New York City, was assigned to prepare a confidential report on a certain corporation. He knew of only one person who possessed the facts he needed so urgently. As Mr. Walters was ushered into the president's office, a young woman stuck her head through a door and told the president that she didn't have any stamps for him that day.
“I am collecting stamps for my twelve-year-old son,”the president explained to Mr. Walters.
Mr. Walters stated his mission and began asking questions. The president was vague, general, nebulous. He didn't want to talk, and apparently nothing could persuade him to talk. The interview was brief and barren.
“Frankly, I didn't know what to do,”Mr. Walters said as he related the story to the class.“Then I remembered what his secretary had said to him—stamps, twelve-year-old son.…And I also recalled that the foreign department of our bank collected stamps—stamps taken from letters pouring in from every continent washed by the seven seas.
“The next afternoon I called on this man and sent in word that I had some stamps for his boy. Was I ushered in with enthusiasm? Yes sir. He couldn't have shaken my hand with more enthusiasm if he had been running for Congress. He radiated smiles and good will.‘My George will love this one,’he kept saying as he fondled the stamps.‘And look at this! This is a treasure.’
“We spent half an hour talking stamps and looking at a picture of his boy, and he then devoted more than an hour of his time to giving me every bit of information I wanted—without my even suggesting that he do it. He told me all he knew, and then called in his subordinates and questioned them. He telephone some of his associates. He loaded me down with facts, figures, reports and correspondence. In the parlance of newspaper reporters, I had a scoop.”
Here is another illustration:
C. M. Knaphle, Jr., of Philadelphia had tried for years to sell fuel to a large chain—store organization. But the chain-store company continued to purchase its fuel from an out-of-town dealer and haul it right past the door of Knaphle's office. Mr. Knaphle made a speech one night before one of my classes, pouring out his hot wrath upon chain stores, branding them as a curse to the nation.
And still he wondered why he couldn't sell them.
I suggested that he try different tactics. To put it briefly, this is what happened. We staged a debate between members of the course on whether the spread of the chain store is doing the country more harm than good.
Knaphle, at my suggestion, took the negative side; he agreed to defend the chain stores, and then went straight to an executive of the chain-store organization that he despised and said:“I am not here to try to sell fuel. I have come to ask you to do me a favor.”He then told about his debate and said,“I have come to you for help because I can't think of anyone else who would be more capable of giving me the facts I want. I'm anxious to win this debate, and I'll deeply appreciate whatever help you can give me.”
Here is the rest of the story in Mr. Knaphle's own words:
I had asked this man for precisely one minute of his time. It was with that understanding that he consented to see me. After I had stated my case, he motioned me to a chair and talked to me for exactly one hour and forty-seven minutes. He called in another executive who had written a book on chain stores. He wrote to the National Chain Store Association and secured for me a copy of a debate on the subject. He feels that the chain store is rendering a real service to humanity. He is proud of what he is doing for hundreds of communities. His eyes fairly glowed as he talked, and I must confess that he opened my eyes to things I had never even dreamed of. He changed my whole mental attitude.
As I was leaving, he walked with me to the door, put his arm around my shoulder, wished me well in my debate, and asked me to stop in and see him again and let him know how I made out. The last words he said to me were:“Please see me again later in the spring. I should like to place an order with you for fuel.”
To me that was almost a miracle. Here he was offering to buy fuel without my even suggesting it. I had made more headway in two hours by becoming genuinely interested in him and his problems than I could have made in ten years trying to get him interested in me and my product.
You didn't discover a new truth, Mr. Knaphle, for a long time ago, a hundred years before Christ was born, a famous old Roman poet, Publilius Syrus, remarked:“We are interested in others when they are interested in us.”
A show of interest, as with every other principle of human relations, must be sincere. It must pay off not only for the person showing the interest, but for the person receiving the attention. It is a two-way street— both parties benefit.
Martin Ginsberg, who took our course in Long Island, New York, reported how the special interest a nurse took in him profoundly affected his life:
“It was Thanksgiving Day and I was ten years old. I was in a welfare ward of a city hospital and was scheduled to undergo major orthopedic surgery the next day. I Knew that I could only look forward to months of confinement, convalescence and pain. My father was dead; my mother and I lived alone in a small apartment and we were on welfare. My mother was unable to visit me that day.
“As the day went on, I became overwhelmed with the feeling of loneliness, despair and fear. I knew my mother was home alone worrying about me, not having anyone to be with, not having anyone to eat with and not even having enough money to afford a Thanksgiving Day dinner.
“The tears welled up in my eyes, and I stuck my head under the pillow and pulled the covers over it. I cried silently, but so bitterly, so much that my body racked with pain.
“A young student nurse heard my sobbing and came over to me. She took the covers off my face and started wiping my tears. She told me how lonely she was, having to work that day and not being able to be with her family. She asked me whether I would have dinner with her. She brought two trays of food: sliced turkey, mashed potatoes, cranberry sauce and ice cream for dessert. She talked to me and tried to calm my fears. Even though she was scheduled to go off duty at 4 P. M., she stayed on her own time until almost 11 P. M. She played games with me, talked to me and stayed with me until I finally fell asleep.
“Many Thanksgivings have come and gone since I was ten, but one never passes without me remembering that particular one and my feelings of frustration, fear, loneliness and the warmth and tenderness of the stranger that somehow made it all bearable.”
If you want others to like you, if you want to develop real friendships, if you want to help others at the same time as you help yourself, keep this principle in mind:
BECOME GENUINELY INTERESTED IN OTHER PEOPLE.
為什么要學習一本關(guān)于贏得朋友的書?為什么不學學史上最會交朋友的人有怎樣的技巧?他是誰?或許明天走在街上你就會見到它。當你走到與它相距十英尺的距離時,它會開始搖尾巴。如果你停下來拍拍它,它幾乎要從軀體中跳出來以展示它有多喜歡你。你知道在這種喜愛之情的背后沒有任何隱藏的動機:它不想賣房子給你,不想和你結(jié)婚。
你有沒有想過,狗是唯一不需要干活就能生存的動物?雞要下蛋,牛要擠奶,金絲雀要唱歌。但狗什么都不用做,只需愛你就能生存。
我五歲的時候,父親花了五十美分買了一只小黃狗。它是我童年的光芒與喜悅。每天下午大約四點半的時候,它都會坐到前院,美麗的眼睛堅定地盯著馬路,一旦聽到我的聲音或看到我拎著飯盒穿過灌木叢,它都會像脫弓之箭一般一口氣沖上小山坡迎接我,它快樂地上躥下跳,狂喜般汪汪直叫。
五年來,提比是我形影不離的好朋友。后來在一個悲傷的夜晚,我永遠也忘不了那個夜晚,它在我面前十尺之遙的地方被閃電擊中。它的死是我童年的悲劇。
提比,你從未讀過半本心理學書籍,你也不需要讀。你憑那神圣的天性就懂得,真心在乎他人兩個月比試圖讓別人對你感興趣兩年交到的朋友要多。我想再重申一遍:真心在乎他人兩個月比試圖讓別人對你感興趣兩年交到的朋友要多。
然而你我都認識那些大張聲勢地試圖讓別人對他感興趣、犯了一輩子這種錯誤的人。
這自然是行不通的。人們就是對他人不感興趣。他們只對自己感興趣,不論是早晨、中午還是晚上。
紐約電話公司做了一項電話對話的調(diào)查,意在找出人們最常用的詞匯。你猜對了,那就是“我”。我、我、我……這個字眼在五百通電話中出現(xiàn)了三千九百次。
當你在看一張包括你在內(nèi)的集體照時,首先找的是誰的身影?
如果我們只試圖用讓人刮目相看的方式贏得關(guān)注,將永遠交不到一個真正真誠的朋友。真正的友誼不是這樣形成的。
拿破侖試過了,而當他見約瑟芬最后一面時,他說:“約瑟芬,我曾比世界上很多人要幸運,然而在這一刻里,你是我唯一可以信賴的人?!辈贿^史學家懷疑拿破侖是否連她都不能信任。
著名的維也納心理學家阿爾弗雷德·阿德勒在《生活對你意味著什么》一書中說道:“那些對他人不感興趣的人在生活中面對著巨大困難,也給他人帶去最多的傷害。人類的一切失敗都源于這樣的人。”
你可以讀一卷又一卷的深奧的心理學書籍,但對于你來說沒有任何一句話比這句更重要。阿德勒的話意義深遠,我再次強調(diào):
那些對他人不感興趣的人在生活中面對著巨大困難,也給他人帶去最多的傷害。人類的一切失敗都源于這樣的人。
我曾在紐約大學上過一門短篇寫作的課程。一位知名雜志社的編輯曾到我們班上進行講座。他說他可以隨意拿起一篇每天堆在他桌上的故事,只要讀幾段就能看出這個作者是否對他人感興趣?!叭绻粋€作者對別人不感興趣,那么讀者也不會喜歡他寫的故事?!?/p>
這位犀利的編輯在說到如何進行虛構(gòu)類寫作時曾兩度停下來講道。他說:“我跟你們說,就如牧師會跟你們說的那樣——記住,你一定要關(guān)心別人才能寫出好故事。”
如果這對寫小說有效,那你也可以確信,在面對面與人交往時亦是如此。
霍華德·薩士頓上次在百老匯表演時,我在后臺待了一個晚上。薩士頓是公認的魔術(shù)大師,他四十年里去過無數(shù)國家,一次又一次地使用魔術(shù)手法去迷惑觀眾,使人目瞪口呆。超過六千萬人曾掏錢看過他的表演,而他賺了差不多兩百萬美金。
我請薩士頓先生告訴我他成功的秘密。他的成功與他所受的學校教育肯定是無關(guān)的,因為他從小離家出走,過著流浪者的生活。他自己搭貨車、睡草堆、挨家挨戶乞討食物,通過看車外的路標學會識字。
他對魔術(shù)有著更深層的知識嗎?沒有。他告訴我,關(guān)于魔術(shù)的書有上百本,會的魔術(shù)和他一樣多的人也有一大群。而他有兩樣別人沒有的東西。首先,他能在聚光燈下表現(xiàn)出自己的個性。他是一個表演大師,他懂得人性。他做的每一件事、每個動作、聲音中的每個抑揚頓挫、眉梢的每次揚起都是設計過的,而這些表演精準到每一毫秒。此外,薩士頓還真正地對他人感興趣。他說,很多魔術(shù)師在面對觀眾時心里會想:“坐在臺下的是一群傻瓜,我肯定能把他們騙倒。”然而薩士頓的方式完全不同。他告訴我,每次在臺上時他都對自己說:“我很感激這些來看我表演的人。是他們成全了我這頗受歡迎的謀生手段。我會為他們而盡全力表演?!?/p>
他宣稱,他每次走上舞臺之前都會對自己不斷重復:“我愛我的觀眾。我愛我的觀眾。”這很可笑嗎?很荒唐嗎?你怎么想都行,我只是在向你轉(zhuǎn)述大魔術(shù)師的成功秘訣。
賓夕法尼亞州北華倫市的喬治·戴克被迫關(guān)閉他開的休息站,提前退休,因為新建的高速公路將占用原休息站的地盤。退休的生活十分空閑,很快,他便感到無聊難耐,于是他拾起了那把舊的小提琴,用拉琴來打發(fā)時間。不久后,他開始四處游走、聽音樂會,和不少頗有成就的小提琴手聊天。性格謙遜友好的他對遇到的每個音樂人的背景都打心眼里感興趣。雖然他自己琴拉得不好,卻結(jié)識了很多志同道合的朋友。他參加各種比賽,后來在美國東部鄉(xiāng)村音樂愛好者中出了名,人們叫他“來自金爪郡的小提琴手喬治大叔”。我們聽到喬治大叔演奏時,他已七十二歲,繼續(xù)享受著生命的每分每秒。在大多數(shù)人認為不會再有作為的年紀里,他通過對別人的持續(xù)性關(guān)注為自己創(chuàng)造了新的人生。
這其實也是西奧多·羅斯福異常受人歡迎的秘訣。就連他的侍者都愛戴他。他的男仆詹姆斯·E.阿莫斯寫了一本關(guān)于羅斯福的書,名叫《西奧多·羅斯福——仆人眼中的英雄》。在書中阿莫斯寫到了這樣一件引人深思的事:
我的妻子有一次向總統(tǒng)詢問有關(guān)美洲鶉的事。她從來沒見過美洲鶉,總統(tǒng)就對她描述了一遍。后來我們屋的電話響了(阿莫斯和妻子住在牡蠣灣羅斯福莊園的一間小屋里),我妻子接了電話,是羅斯福先生親自打來的。他說他打電話是為了告訴我妻子,我們屋外現(xiàn)在就有一只美洲鶉,如果我們從窗口看出去就有可能看到。類似的小事使他散發(fā)著無窮魅力。每次他路過我們的房間時,即便看不到我們也會打招呼:“哦哦哦,是安妮嗎?”或者“哦哦哦,是詹姆斯嗎?”這就是他路過時的問候。
下屬們怎會不喜歡這樣的人呢?任何一個人都不可能不喜歡這樣的人吧!
一天,塔夫脫總統(tǒng)和夫人都不在白宮里,羅斯福去白宮造訪。他對白宮的每個侍者打招呼,并叫出他們的名字,哪怕只是對一個洗碗工。他對下人的真心喜愛就是這么表現(xiàn)出來的。
阿爾奇·巴特寫道:“當他看見廚房女仆愛麗絲時,他問她是否還做玉米面包。愛麗絲說她有時會為下人們做,樓上是不吃的。
“‘他們品位太差。’羅斯福用他那渾厚的聲音說,‘下次我見到總統(tǒng)時會親自告訴他?!?/p>
“愛麗絲用盤子盛了一片給他,他就端到辦公室里準備享用。一路上還不忘和園丁、勞工打招呼……
“他像以往一樣和每個人打招呼。在白宮做了四十年守衛(wèi)的艾克·胡佛含淚說:‘那是我們近兩年來唯一的快樂日子,我們每個人都不會同意用一百美元換走這樣的一天?!?/p>
關(guān)心看似不重要的人也同樣幫助新澤西查塔姆市的銷售代表愛德華·M.塞克斯保住了一個客戶。他說:“多年前,我為強生公司管理麻省的客戶,其中的一個客戶是欣厄姆市的一家雜貨店。每次到這家店和經(jīng)理談話或接訂單前,我都會與飲料販賣員工和銷售員工聊上幾分鐘。有一天,我走進去后經(jīng)理讓我離開,并告訴我不會再訂強生的產(chǎn)品,因為他認為強生在食品和打折店搞的活動損害了雜貨店的利益。我只得灰溜溜地離開,開著車在小鎮(zhèn)里轉(zhuǎn)了幾個鐘頭。但最后我決定返回雜貨店,至少要試著向經(jīng)理解釋我們的立場。
“當我回到店里時,照常跟飲料販賣員工和銷售員工打了招呼。當我走到經(jīng)理面前時,他對我微笑并歡迎我回來,然后給了我雙倍的訂單。我驚訝地看著他,問這短短幾個小時里發(fā)生了什么。他指了指飲料販賣員,說我走后那個男孩告訴他我是那么多商家中唯一真誠地和他還有其他店員說話的人。他跟經(jīng)理說,如果有任何商家值得他打交道,那就是我了。經(jīng)理同意了,繼續(xù)當我們的忠實客戶。此后我永遠記得,對于銷售人員乃至每個人來說,對他人真誠的關(guān)心是最重要的品質(zhì)?!?/p>
我的親身經(jīng)歷告訴我,如果我們能展現(xiàn)對他人真誠的興趣,便能從任何人那里得到關(guān)注、時間與配合,不論對方是多么德高望重。以下便是我的親身經(jīng)歷。
幾年前,我在布魯克林藝術(shù)與科學學院辦了一門文學寫作課程。我們想邀請凱瑟琳·諾瑞詩、范妮·赫斯特、艾達·塔貝爾、阿爾伯特·佩森·特修和魯珀特·休斯等著名又繁忙的作家來布魯克林講他們的經(jīng)驗,從而使學生更好地進步。所以我們給這些作者寫信,說我們很仰慕他們的作品,對得到他們的建議并學習他們的成功秘訣有很深的興趣。
每一封信都有150個學生的簽名。我們在信中說知道對方很忙,或許忙到?jīng)]時間準備演講內(nèi)容,所以我們隨信寄去一系列他們可以準備的問題,都是有關(guān)作家本人及其工作方式的。這種做法受到了作家們的喜愛。誰又會不喜歡呢?所以他們離家來到了布魯克林,給予我們充分的幫助。
我也曾用同樣的方法成功說服了羅斯福內(nèi)閣財政部長萊斯利·M.肖、塔夫脫內(nèi)閣司法部長喬治·W.威克沙姆、威廉·詹寧斯·布萊恩、富蘭克林·D.羅斯福等德高望重的人,請他們到我的那些演講培訓班為學生們講話。
每一個人,不論是工廠工人、辦公室員工還是當權(quán)的國王,都喜歡賞識自己的人。德國皇帝就可以作為例子。在第一次世界大戰(zhàn)的末期,他大概成了這個地球上最被鄙視和憎惡的人了。連他自己的國家都把他當作敵人,所以他不得不逃亡到荷蘭。人們對他的憎恨實在太強烈了,無數(shù)的人想把他撕成一片片或者綁在柱子上燒死。在這一片怒罵中,一個小男孩給皇帝寫了一封簡單、誠懇的信,信中充滿了友好與尊敬。小男孩說,不論別人怎么想,他永遠會把威廉當作他的皇帝,敬愛他?;实郾贿@封信深深打動,并邀請小男孩來見他。小男孩來了,他的母親也來了,后來威廉娶了她為妻。這個小男孩不必閱讀有關(guān)贏得朋友、影響他人的書,他本能地懂得如何去做。
如果我們想交到朋友,就要甘愿為他人做事——做那些需要時間、精力、思慮和無私精神的事。當溫莎公爵還是威爾士親王時,他曾計劃訪問南美,而在走訪之前,他花了幾個月時間學習西班牙文,為的是能用那些國家的語言進行公開演講。而南美人也因此十分愛戴他。
多年來我一直特意詢問朋友的生日。我是怎么詢問的呢?雖然我對占星術(shù)是一點都不信,但我會問對方是否相信生日與性格、性情的關(guān)系,然后讓他們告訴我自己的生辰日期。假如對方說11月24日,我會在心里默念:11月24日,11月24日。等朋友一轉(zhuǎn)身,我會馬上寫下來他的生日,回家后抄在一個生日簿上。每年伊始,我都會把這些生日抄到每日記事本上,這樣我便能自動注意到朋友的生日了。當那天到來時,他們就會收到我的信或電報。每一次他們都會特別開心!我常常是唯一一個記得某些人生日的人。
如果想交到朋友,讓我們熱情洋溢地跟人打招呼。接電話時也是一樣。說“你好”時要表達出你接到對方電話的喜悅。很多公司都訓練他們的電話接線員用充滿興趣和熱情的口吻接聽每個人的電話,這樣的話打電話的人會覺得這家公司在乎他。今后接打電話時請記得這一點。
表達對他人真誠的關(guān)心不僅能贏得朋友,還有可能培養(yǎng)起客戶的忠誠度。在紐約的北美國家銀行出版的刊物中印有這樣一封來自儲蓄者馬德琳·羅絲黛爾的信件:
我希望貴公司知道我對你們的職員是多么的感激。每個人都那么彬彬有禮、樂于助人。在排了那么久的長隊后,有那么熱情的出納員接待你是多么令人愉悅的事。
去年我的母親住院五個月。每次我總是到出納瑪麗·佩楚奇羅那里辦理業(yè)務,而她很關(guān)心我的母親,常常詢問她的近況。
毫無疑問,羅絲黛爾女士會繼續(xù)和這家銀行打交道。
紐約市一家大銀行員工查爾斯·R.沃特斯被要求準備一份關(guān)于某公司的機密報告。他知道只有一個人擁有他正急切需要的信息,于是沃特斯先生去到了那位總裁的辦公室里。這時一個年輕女人把頭探了進來,告訴總裁今天她沒有郵票可以給他。
“我在幫我二十歲的兒子集郵?!蹦俏豢偛孟蛭痔厮瓜壬忉尩?。
沃特斯先生講了他此行的目的,然后就開始問問題,但總裁的話含糊、籠統(tǒng)而且模棱兩可。他不想說話,并且看似沒什么方法能讓他說話。這次訪談簡短而空洞。
沃特斯在班里講這個故事時說:“老實說,我實在是沒辦法了。后來我想起來了他秘書提到的事——郵票及十二歲的兒子……我還想起來我們銀行的國際部門在收集郵票——那里有來自五湖四海的信。
“第二天下午我給這個人打了電話,轉(zhuǎn)告他我有郵票要給他兒子。我被笑臉相迎了嗎?沒錯。他和我握手時的熱情就像在競選國會議員一般——有過之而無不及。他散發(fā)著微笑與友善?!业膯讨螘圻@張郵票的,’他一邊翻閱著郵票一邊說,‘還有這張!這真是太寶貴了?!?/p>
“我們用了半個小時的時間看郵票、看他兒子的照片,然后他用了超過一個小時的時間告訴了我所有我需要的信息——我連問都沒問。他告訴了我他所知道的全部,還把他的下屬叫來并打電話給幾個同事進行詢問。他給了我大量事實、數(shù)據(jù)、報告和信件。用媒介的說法就是,我得到了‘有料’的信息。”
下面是另外一個例子:
費城的小C.M.耐弗里多年來一直想賣石油給一家大型連鎖機構(gòu),而那家公司一直從外地的商家進油,每次運油車都從耐弗里的公司門口路過。一天晚上,耐弗里先生在我的一個培訓班中當著所有人面宣泄出對大型連鎖店的憤怒,罵他們是國家的禍害。
然而他還是好奇為何自己沒能把油賣給他們。
我建議他嘗試另一種方式。簡單地說,事情是這樣子的。我們在培訓班里辦了一場辯論,內(nèi)容是連鎖店的興起為國家?guī)淼膫κ欠穸嘤诶妗?/p>
在我的建議下,耐弗里加入了反方,要為連鎖店做辯護。于是他直接找到了那位他一直鄙視的連鎖店的總裁,對他說:“我不是來賣石油的。我想請你幫我一個忙?!彼?qū)Ψ浇忉屃宋覀兊霓q論,“我來請求你的幫助,因為我覺得除了你沒有第二個人能給我我所需要的信息了。我特別想贏這場辯論。我會深深地感激你給我的任何幫助的?!?/p>
之后的故事用耐弗里的原話描述是這樣的:
“我只向他索要一分鐘的時間。也是在這個前提下,他答應了我的請求。聽完事情的緣由后,他示意我坐下,然后我們的談話持續(xù)了一個小時四十七分鐘。他還請了另外一位總裁進來,這個人曾寫過關(guān)于連鎖店的書。他還給全國連鎖店協(xié)會寫信,讓他們寄給我一份關(guān)于這個話題已有的辯論記錄。他覺得連鎖店是真正服務于人類的產(chǎn)物,他為自己在上百個社區(qū)中的服務而自豪。他說話時兩眼放光,而我必須承認,他讓我大開眼界,知道了之前從未想過的事。他改變了我的整個態(tài)度。
“臨走時,他把我送到門口,把手臂搭在我的肩上,祝我在辯論中取得好成績,還讓我告訴他辯論的結(jié)果。他對我說的最后一句話是:‘晚春時再來找我,那時我會下單買你們的石油?!?/p>
“對我來說,這簡直是一個奇跡。這一次我連問都沒問,他就主動提出購買我們的石油。在我真心關(guān)注他和他的問題的這兩個小時里,我所取得的進展比試圖讓他對我的產(chǎn)品感興趣的十年里還要多?!?/p>
耐弗里的事例表明,你并沒有發(fā)現(xiàn)新大陸。在耶穌誕生的數(shù)百年前,一位羅馬詩人就說過:“關(guān)心他人,才能得到他人的關(guān)心?!?/p>
你所表示出的關(guān)心必須是真誠的——就如人際關(guān)系中的其他準則一樣。表示關(guān)心的一方不能是唯一的受益者;對方也應該從中受益。這是一件互利的事。
在紐約長島參加培訓班的馬丁·金斯伯格講起過一位護士對他的關(guān)心是如何徹底改變他的生活的:
“那天是感恩節(jié),我十歲。我住在醫(yī)院的福利病房,第二天要接受外科手術(shù)。我知道接下來的幾個月里我都會在病房中度過,慢慢康復,但充滿痛苦。我的父親去世了,母親和我住在一家小公寓里,靠福利救濟。那天媽媽不能來看我。
“我慢慢被孤獨、絕望和恐懼吞噬。我知道媽媽肯定獨自在家為我擔心,沒人陪伴她,沒人與她一同用餐,她也沒有錢吃一頓感恩節(jié)大餐。
“我的眼淚涌上了眼眶,我把頭埋在被子里默默流淚,默默但凄苦地流淚,整個身體都顫抖了起來。
“一位年輕的實習護士聽到哭聲走了過來,她把被子從我的臉上掀起,為我擦眼淚。她告訴我她也很寂寞,她在節(jié)日里要上班,不能和家人團聚。然后她問我是否愿意和她一起用餐并拿來兩盤食物:切片的火雞肉、土豆泥、紅莓醬,還有當甜點的冰淇淋。她一直和我說話,試著撫慰我心中的恐懼。雖然她下午四點就該下班了,但她一直陪著我直到將近晚上十一點。她和我玩游戲、聊天,直到我睡著才離開。
“之后我又度過了一個又一個的感恩節(jié),每次我都會想起十歲的那個感恩節(jié)以及那時失意、恐懼、孤獨的感受,還有來自陌生人的溫暖和溫柔——她神奇般地使一切不那么難以承受了?!?/p>
如果你希望他人喜歡你,想擁有真正的友誼,想在幫助他人時自己也有所收獲,請記住這條準則:
真誠地關(guān)心他人!
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