相愛(ài)的規(guī)律 The law of love

Have you ever known a married couple that just didn't seem as though they should fit together -- yet they are both happy in the marriage, and you can't figure out why? I know of one couple: He is a burly ex-athlete. Meanwhile, his wife is petite, quiet and a complete homebody. She doesn't even go out to dinner.

你可曾認(rèn)識(shí)一對(duì)看上去很不般配、可其婚姻卻十分幸福的夫婦?其中的原因讓你百思不得其解。我就認(rèn)識(shí)這么一對(duì)。丈夫身材魁梧，曾是一名運(yùn)動(dòng)員，而她卻是一位嬌弱文靜的小家碧玉，甚至不愿意出門(mén)上飯館。

What mysterious force drives us into the arms of one person, while pushing us away from another who might appear equally desirable to any unbiased observer?

到底是什么神秘力量使我們投入到某個(gè)人的懷抱，而不是在旁觀者眼里同樣可取的另一位?

One of the many factors influencing our idea of the perfect mate, one of the most telling, according to John Money, professor emeritus of medical psychology and pediatrics at Johns Hopkins University, is what he calls our " lovemap" -- a group of messages encoded in our brains that describes our likes and dislikes. It shows our preferences in hair and eye color, in voice, smell，body build. It also records the kind of personality that appeals to us, whether it's the warm and friendly type or the strong, silent type.

根據(jù)曾在約翰斯·霍普金斯大學(xué)從事醫(yī)學(xué)心理學(xué)和兒科學(xué)的名譽(yù)退休教授約翰·莫奈的研究，在影響我們擇偶的諸多因素中，最說(shuō)明問(wèn)題的是一種被稱為"愛(ài)圖"的東西：它是我們大腦中的一組編碼信息，記載著我們的愛(ài)憎。它顯示我們?cè)陬^發(fā)、眼睛的顏色、聲音、氣味以及身材等方面的偏愛(ài)。它也記錄什么樣的人對(duì)我們具有吸引力，是熱情友善的呢，還是堅(jiān)強(qiáng)沉穩(wěn)的那一類。

In short, we fall for and pursue those people who most clearly fit our lovemap. And this lovemap is largely determined in childhood. By age eight, the pattern for our ideal mate has already begun to float around in our brains

總之，我們愛(ài)戀和追求的人是最符合我們的愛(ài)圖的那些人。而這張圖在孩提時(shí)代就已定型。到8歲時(shí)，我們理想愛(ài)人的形象已經(jīng)浮現(xiàn)在我們的腦海里了。

When we're little, our mother is the center of our attention, and we are the center of hers. So our mother's characteristics leave an indelible impression, we are forever attracted to people with her " facial features, body type, personality, even sense of humor. If our mother was warm and giving, as adults we tend to be attracted to people who are warm and giving. If our mother was strong and even-tempered, we are going to be attracted to a fair-minded strength in our mates.

小時(shí)候，母親是我們生活的中心，而我們也是她生活的中心。于是母親的特點(diǎn)給我們留下了無(wú)法抹去的影響。我們永遠(yuǎn)被與她的臉部特征、身材、個(gè)性乃至幽默感相似的人所吸引。如果我們的母親是熱情大方的，我們長(zhǎng)大成人時(shí)就會(huì)被熱情大方的人所吸引。如果我們的母親是堅(jiān)強(qiáng)而隨和的，我們也將被這樣的人所吸引。

The mother has an additional influence on her sons: she not only gives them clues to what they will find attractive in a mate, but also affects how they feel about women in general. So if she is warm and nice, her sons are going to think that's the way women are. They will likely grow up warm and responsive lovers and also be cooperative around the house.

母親對(duì)兒子有一個(gè)額外影響：她不僅影響孩子如何選擇配偶，而且對(duì)如何總體看待女人起了潛移默化的作用。因此，如果她是熱情友好的，她的兒子們將認(rèn)為婦女就是這樣的。他們長(zhǎng)大后也很可能成為熱情和富有責(zé)任心的人，并且愿意承擔(dān)部分家務(wù)。

Conversely, a mother who has a depressive personality, and is sometimes friendly but then suddenly turns cold and rejecting, may raise a man who becomes a dance-away lover. Because he's been so scared about love from his mother, he is afraid of commitment and may pull away from a girlfriend for this reason.

相反，一個(gè)憂郁的、時(shí)而友好時(shí)而變得冷酷或者排斥異己的母親會(huì)培養(yǎng)出一個(gè)將來(lái)靠不住的戀人。因?yàn)樗麖哪赣H那里領(lǐng)略了戀愛(ài)的可怕之處，因此會(huì)害怕做出承諾，并為此與女朋友分道揚(yáng)鑣。

While the mother determines in large part what qualities attract us in a mate, it's the father -- the first male in our lives -- who influences how we relate to the opposite sex. Fathers have an enormous effect on their children's personalities and chances of marital happiness.

雖然母親大體上決定我們挑選什么樣的配偶，可是父親--我們生活中的第一個(gè)男人--也影響了我們?nèi)绾闻c異性交往。父親對(duì)孩子們的個(gè)性及婚姻幸福的可能性具有巨大影響。

Just as mothers influence their son's general feelings toward women, fathers influence their daughter's general feelings about men. If a father lavishes praise on his daughter and demonstrates that she is a worthwhile person, she'll feel very good about herself in relation to men. But if the father is cold, critical or absent, the daughter will tend to feel she's not very lovable or attractive.

正如母親影響兒子對(duì)女人的總體看法，父親影響女兒對(duì)男人的態(tài)度。如果父親對(duì)女兒大加贊揚(yáng)，并表示她是一個(gè)可愛(ài)的人，她將會(huì)在與男人交往時(shí)自我感覺(jué)良好。但如果父親是一個(gè)冷漠、喜歡挑剔或者心不在焉的人，女兒會(huì)感到自己不太可愛(ài)或者缺乏魅力。

What about opposites? Are they really attracted to each other? Yes and no. In many ways we want a mirror image of ourselves. Physically attractive people, for example, are usually drawn to a partner who's equally attractive.

異性雙方的情況如何？他們是互相吸引嗎？答案既是又非。在許多方面我們希望愛(ài)人像我們自己。比如，外貌出眾的人通常被同樣的人所吸引。

In addition, most of us grow up with people of similar social circumstances. We hang around with people in the same town; our friends have about the same educational backgrounds and career goals. We tend to be most comfortable with these people, and therefore we tend to link up with others whose families are often much like our own.

另外，我們大部分人與相同社會(huì)背景的人一起長(zhǎng)大。我們與居住在同一城鎮(zhèn)的人交往;我們的朋友有著同樣的教育程度和事業(yè)理想。我們與這些人在一起感覺(jué)最舒服，因此更易于與出生類似于自己的人交朋友。

However, there are instances where people of different social backgrounds end up getting married and being extremely happy. I know of one man, a factory worker from a traditional Irish family, who fell in love with an African-American Baptist. When they got married, their friends and relatives predicted a quick failure. But 25 years later, the marriage is still strong.

然而，也有些人社會(huì)背景不同，可婚姻極其美滿。我認(rèn)識(shí)一個(gè)工人，他來(lái)自傳統(tǒng)的愛(ài)爾蘭裔家庭，卻愛(ài)上了一個(gè)身為浸禮會(huì)教友的非裔美國(guó)人。他們結(jié)婚時(shí)，朋友和親戚都預(yù)測(cè)婚姻會(huì)很快失敗。可25年過(guò)去了，他們的婚姻依然堅(jiān)如磐石。

Is there such a thing as" love at first sight" ?Why not? When people become love-struck, what happens in that instant is the couple probably discovers a unique something they have in common. It could be something as mundane as they both were reading the same book or were born in the same town. At the same time they recognize some trait in the other that complements their own personality.

世界上有沒(méi)有"一見(jiàn)鐘情"的事？為什么沒(méi)有？當(dāng)人們被愛(ài)情迷住時(shí)，在那一瞬間他們也許發(fā)現(xiàn)共同擁有某種獨(dú)特的東西。也許它很平常，比如他們正在閱讀同一本書(shū)，或在同一個(gè)鎮(zhèn)出生。同時(shí)他們也認(rèn)識(shí)到對(duì)方有某些特征可以與自己互補(bǔ)。

I happen to be one of those who was struck by the magic wand. Milt and I were married for 39 years, until his death in 1989. And all that time we experienced a love called a " feeling of fusion, of oneness," even while we continued to change, grow and fulfill our lives.

我本人就是被愛(ài)情這一魔杖擊中的人。米爾和我在一起生活了39年，直到他1989年去世。我們的愛(ài)情可謂"水乳交融、合二為一的感情"。甚至當(dāng)我們不斷發(fā)生變化、逐步成熟以及共同走完生命的歷程時(shí)，這種感情始終如一。

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