離婚者的教訓(xùn)：婚姻中最后悔的15件事

Divorce triggers a lot of different emotions, everything from sadness to regret. In some cases, a split is precipitated by a factor outside the marriage. In other cases, though, couples ask themselves whether there was something they could have done differently to save the relationship.

With that in mind, we asked Huff/Post50 divorced readers about the biggest mistakes they made in their marriages. Some responses were succinct. "Getting married when my instincts kept screaming 'NO!'" said Nancy Jurney. But others were more complex. "Not really knowing who he was. I should have done a better job on his background. Got married in June of 1986 and divorce was final in December 1986," said Jessie Williams. Take a look at the other responses below.

1. "We stopped putting the other first; stopped nurturing the relationship, dating. Simple everyday things like kissing, holding hands, hugging in public or private waned; growing in separate directions and/or not growing at all."

2. "Not giving him the respect and admiration he was looking for. He left me for a woman who needed rescuing and treated him like he was her knight in shining armor."

3. "Getting married to a person who did not share my religion, lifestyle, diet -- especially diet. If you can't eat the same things it is a sign you two do not have enough in common. I know diet sounds trivial, but when you think about it, trying to cook food for someone that you yourself just could not eat gets tiring. So you stop. Men have a thing about women cooking for them. I hear a lot of complaints that wives don't cook any more. With me, I just got tired of cooking food that I would never eat. So I stopped. He took it personally. Just too many differences."

4. "Thinking he was going to change. Trying to change them to be something they were never going to be."

5. "In my first marriage it was believing I could help him and the expectation we would live happy ever after. Nope. In the second, I'm learning it's not 50/50. If you both don't give your all it will never work."

6. "Taking childhood baggage into marriage! It takes work on both sides to make a great marriage! I wish parents knew how their abuse and neglect are setting the stage for future relationships so negatively."

7. "I married someone for stability, promises, dreams, comfort, consistency and protection. Reality was not a concern. It should have been. I depended on and expected too much from him and that was my mistake. Now that I have raised children, I know what unconditional love is and discovered that it was what I was missing in the marriage."

8. "Poor communication. Making assumptions. Not being clear and direct."

9. "Biggest mistake was turning a blind eye to all his affairs and getting married so young!!"

10. "Taking on the 'relationship responsibility' myself as if I could resolve the issues with love and communication. I didn't stand a chance. And so ... 29 years married to my high school sweetheart went up in a funeral pile."

11. "My issue was the fact that I stopped expressing myself in a way that was true to me when the relationship took off ... I would walk around on eggshells in front of my partner, for fear of being displeasing, and I gave up my hobbies and interests, too."

12. "My biggest mistake was letting myself be treated like a non-person ... no opinions, no choices, no voice."

13. "I think little things add up over the years and if you don't deal with issues when they come up, lots of people gradually grow apart over time and both parties often take each other for granted."

14. "Biggest mistake: I took her for granted."

15. "Going into marriage based on shared interests and other 'surface' types of similarities/likes and not considering deeper connections, like faith, morals, values, communication styles, and shared goals."離婚會(huì)觸發(fā)多種情緒，諸如悲傷、惋惜等。有時(shí)候是一些婚姻之外的因素使得夫妻分道揚(yáng)鑣。另一些時(shí)候，離婚后當(dāng)事人會(huì)捫心自問，如果改變過去的一些做法，是否就可以挽救這段婚姻?

考慮到這一點(diǎn)，我們?cè)凇逗辗翌D郵報(bào)》的網(wǎng)站Huff/Post 50上向離異讀者提問：自己在婚姻中犯下的最大錯(cuò)誤是什么?一些答案言簡(jiǎn)意賅。南茜·吉莉(Nancy Jurney)說：“就算直覺一直說‘不要’，但還是嫁給他了。”還有一些就略顯復(fù)雜了。杰西·威廉姆斯(Jessie Williams)說道：“沒能深入了解他是怎樣的一個(gè)人。我應(yīng)該多花一些功夫調(diào)查他的背景的。我們是1986年6月結(jié)的婚，同年12月就離了。”下面還列出了一些其它的答復(fù)。

1.“我們不再把對(duì)方放在第一位;不再培養(yǎng)感情，不再約會(huì)。連簡(jiǎn)單的日常情感交流如接吻、牽手、擁抱等都很吝嗇，不再在公共場(chǎng)合秀恩愛，甚至私底下也是;兩個(gè)人在成長(zhǎng)中逐漸偏離了對(duì)方，或者都沒有一點(diǎn)兒長(zhǎng)進(jìn)。”

2.“他想要的尊重和贊美，我都沒有給。最后他為了別的女人離開了我。那個(gè)女人楚楚可憐，簡(jiǎn)直就把他看作身披戰(zhàn)甲去拯救她的騎士。”

3.“我和一個(gè)跟我在宗教信仰、生活方式、飲食習(xí)慣(尤其是這點(diǎn))都格格不入的人結(jié)了婚。如果連吃什么都合不來，這意味著你們根本就是兩個(gè)世界的人。我知道這聽上去只是雞毛蒜皮之事，但想一想你要為一個(gè)人做你自己根本難以下咽的食物，這未免太過勉強(qiáng)了。所以你放手了。男人都特別喜歡讓妻子主廚。我聽過好多男人抱怨妻子不做飯之類的。但就我個(gè)人而言，我只是討厭做我自己都不想吃的食物。因此我決定結(jié)束這種生活。他覺得我是針對(duì)他，但其實(shí)只是因?yàn)槲覀儾顒e太大了。”

4.“幻想他會(huì)改變。天真地想去改變一些不可能改變的東西。”

5.“第一次婚姻我相信我可以成為他的賢內(nèi)助，我們也可以一直幸福地生活下去。結(jié)果事實(shí)不是這樣。第二次我就學(xué)乖了?；橐霾皇莾蓚€(gè)人各付出一半，一旦任意一方有所保留，這段感情都維持不下去。”

6.“將童年的陰影帶進(jìn)婚姻!只有雙方共同經(jīng)營(yíng)的婚姻才會(huì)幸福!我希望父母能夠清楚地知道，他們相互的辱罵與冷漠會(huì)對(duì)自己孩子未來的婚姻生活造成多么大的負(fù)面影響。”

7.“當(dāng)初結(jié)婚是為了尋求穩(wěn)定、承諾、夢(mèng)想、安逸和庇護(hù)、志同道合。當(dāng)時(shí)并沒有考慮過現(xiàn)實(shí)問題，而這其實(shí)是很必要的。我過分地依賴他，對(duì)他的期望也太高，這是我的問題。如今我已為人母，明白了什么是無條件的愛，才發(fā)覺我當(dāng)初的婚姻正是缺少這個(gè)東西。”

8.“缺乏溝通?？偸遣乱伞牟恢苯亓水?dāng)?shù)亟涣鳌?rdquo;

9.“我最錯(cuò)的就是對(duì)他的風(fēng)流韻事視而不見，年紀(jì)輕輕就嫁給了他!”

10.“一力承擔(dān)起‘婚姻的責(zé)任，就好像我一個(gè)人靠愛和溝通就能解決掉所有的問題一樣。事實(shí)上這完全不可能。因此……在結(jié)婚29年后，我和我高中心上人的關(guān)系還是走到了盡頭。”

11.“我的問題是，我不再像剛戀愛時(shí)那樣坦誠(chéng)……在我另一半面前，我分外小心謹(jǐn)慎，生怕惹他(她)不高興，而且我還放棄了我的興趣愛好。”

12.“我犯的最大的錯(cuò)誤就是允許自己被非人地對(duì)待……不能有意見，凡事沒得選，沒有話語權(quán)。”

13.“我覺得冰凍三尺非一日之寒。如果你不在問題出現(xiàn)時(shí)就解決它，那么夫妻二人只會(huì)漸行漸遠(yuǎn)，并且都不把對(duì)方當(dāng)回事。”

14.“我最大的錯(cuò)誤是：不把她當(dāng)回事。”

15.“因共同的興趣以及其它一些‘表面的’相似點(diǎn)/喜好走進(jìn)婚姻，而沒有考慮到一些更深層次的東西如信仰、道德觀、價(jià)值觀、溝通風(fēng)格及共同的目標(biāo)等。”