雙語·當(dāng)呼吸化為空氣 我開始感覺到間歇性發(fā)作的嚴(yán)重胸痛

接著，幾個星期以后，我開始感覺到間歇性發(fā)作的嚴(yán)重胸痛。是不是工作的時候撞到什么，肋骨骨折了？偶爾我會在夜里驚醒，大汗淋漓，床單都被浸濕了。體重又開始迅速下降，而且速度更快了，從一百七十五磅急劇跌落到一百四十五磅，還不停地咳嗽。我對自己的病情已經(jīng)不做他想了。一個周六的午后，露西和我躺在舊金山多洛雷斯公園的陽光下，等著見她的妹妹。她看了一眼我的手機屏幕，上面是醫(yī)學(xué)數(shù)據(jù)庫的搜索結(jié)果：“三十到四十歲人群癌癥發(fā)病率”。
Then, a few weeks later, I began having bouts of severe chest pain. Had I bumped into something at work? Cracked a rib somehow? Some nights, I’d wake up on soaked sheets, dripping sweat. My weight began dropping again, more rapidly now, from 175 to 145 pounds. I developed a persistent cough. Little doubt remained. One Saturday afternoon, Lucy and I were lying in the sun in Dolores Park in San Francisco, waiting to meet her sister. She glimpsed my phone screen, which displayed medical database search results: “frequency of cancers in thirty-to forty-year-olds.”

“??？”她說，“我沒想到你真的在擔(dān)心這個?！?br>“What?” she said. “I didn’t realize you were actually worried about this.”

我沒有回答，也不知道該說什么。
I didn’t respond. I didn’t know what to say.

“你想跟我聊聊嗎？”她問道。
“Do you want to tell me about it?” she asked.

她生氣，是因為她也有過這樣的擔(dān)心；她生氣，是因為我都沒跟她提過只言片語；她生氣，是因為我向她許諾的生活是一回事，給她的，又是另一回事。
She was upset because she had been worried about it, too. She was upset because I wasn’t talking to her about it. She was upset because I’d promised her one life, and given her another.

“求求你告訴我，為什么不愿意對我說真心話？”她問道。
“Can you please tell me why you aren’t confiding in me?” she asked.

我關(guān)掉手機。“咱們?nèi)ベI點冰激凌吧?！蔽艺f。
I turned off my phone. “Let’s get some ice cream,” I said.