雙語·當(dāng)呼吸化為空氣 我大學(xué)里最好的一些朋友準(zhǔn)備前往紐約

我大學(xué)里最好的一些朋友準(zhǔn)備前往紐約，開始混藝術(shù)圈，有的去演喜劇，有的去做記者、搞電視。我也曾簡(jiǎn)單考慮過和他們一起，從頭開始新生活。但我還是放不下那個(gè)問題：生理、道德、文學(xué)和哲學(xué)，在什么地方相融交會(huì)？一天下午，橄欖球比賽后，我步行回家，秋日的微風(fēng)中，任由思緒飄散?；▓@里的奧古斯丁教導(dǎo)我們手不釋卷，“捧起書本閱讀”，但我聽到的聲音卻發(fā)出完全相悖的召喚：“放下書，棄文從醫(yī)?！蓖蝗婚g，一切都明朗起來。雖然（或者說因?yàn)椋┪腋赣H、叔叔和哥哥都是醫(yī)生，但我從來沒認(rèn)真考慮過從醫(yī)的可能。但惠特曼本人不是也寫過，只有醫(yī)師才能真正理解“生理與精神并存的人”嗎？第二天，我找到醫(yī)學(xué)預(yù)科班的指導(dǎo)老師，詢問了一下必要的流程。上醫(yī)學(xué)院之前，需要大概一年高強(qiáng)度的學(xué)習(xí)來準(zhǔn)備，再加上申請(qǐng)的時(shí)間，又多了十八個(gè)月。那就意味著，我的朋友們都去紐約了，繼續(xù)去加強(qiáng)各種各樣的關(guān)系，而我不在其中；也意味著，要把文學(xué)放置一旁。但這也給了我新的機(jī)會(huì)，可以找到書里找不到的答案，尋覓另一種方式的崇高，和那些備受煎熬的人建立聯(lián)系，在直面死亡與衰弱的同時(shí)，繼續(xù)追尋“什么讓人生有意義”的問題。
Some of my closest friends from college were headed to New York City to pursue a life in the arts—some in comedy, others in journalism and television—and I briefly considered joining them and starting anew. But I couldn’t quite let go of the question: Where did biology, morality, literature, and philosophy intersect? Walking home from a football game one afternoon, the autumn breeze blowing, I let my mind wander. Augustine’s voice in the garden commanded “take up and read,” but the voice I heard commanded the opposite: “Set aside the books and practice medicine.” Suddenly, it all seemed obvious. Although—or perhaps because—my father, my uncle, and my elder brother were all doctors, medicine had never occurred to me as a serious possibility. But hadn’t Whitman himself written that only the physician could truly understand “the Physiological-Spiritual Man”? The next day, I consulted a premed adviser to figure out the logistics. Getting ready for medical school would take about a year of intense coursework, plus the application time, which added up to another eighteen months. It would mean letting my friends go to New York, to continue deepening those relationships, without me. It would mean setting aside literature. But it would allow me a chance to find answers that are not in books, to find a different sort of sublime, to forge relationships with the suffering, and to keep following the question of what makes human life meaningful, even in the face of death and decay.

我開始學(xué)習(xí)必修的醫(yī)學(xué)院預(yù)科課程，惡補(bǔ)化學(xué)和物理。我不想去做兼職，這樣會(huì)拖慢學(xué)習(xí)的速度，但又付不起帕洛阿爾托的房租，于是找了間窗戶開著的空宿舍，爬了進(jìn)去。蝸居幾個(gè)星期后，我被管理員發(fā)現(xiàn)了，她居然是我的一個(gè)朋友。她給了我房間鑰匙，還提供了相當(dāng)有用的信息，比如高中女啦啦隊(duì)員們什么時(shí)候會(huì)來參加夏令營(yíng)之類的。我當(dāng)然不想留性犯罪的案底。時(shí)間一到，我就帶上一個(gè)帳篷，幾本書和早餐麥片，來到太浩湖，等安全了再回去。
I began working through the necessary premedical courses, loading up on chemistry and physics. Reluctant to take a part-time job—it would slow my studies—but unable to afford Palo Alto rent, I found an open window in an empty dormitory and climbed in. After a few weeks of squatting, I was discovered by the caretaker—who happened to be a friend. She provided a key to the room and some useful warnings, like when the high school girls’ cheerleading camps would be coming through. Thinking it wise to avoid becoming a registered sex offender, I’d pack a tent, some books and granola, and head up to Tahoe until it was safe to return.

醫(yī)學(xué)院的申請(qǐng)流程要持續(xù)十八個(gè)月。課一上完，我就有了一年空閑的時(shí)間。好幾個(gè)教授都建議我，在完全脫離學(xué)術(shù)界之前，可以再讀一個(gè)科學(xué)醫(yī)藥歷史與哲學(xué)的學(xué)位。于是我就申請(qǐng)了劍橋的科學(xué)史與哲學(xué)專業(yè)，也被錄取了。接下來的一年，我都在英倫鄉(xiāng)間的教室里度過。我越來越強(qiáng)烈地認(rèn)為，要對(duì)生與死的問題有實(shí)質(zhì)性的道德意見，關(guān)鍵在于對(duì)其有直接體驗(yàn)。我開始覺得言語和說出言語時(shí)的空氣一樣，輕飄飄的。一番審視和反省之后，我意識(shí)到，自己僅僅是在確認(rèn)已經(jīng)明確的事實(shí)：我想要直接的體驗(yàn)。只有從醫(yī)，我才能追尋嚴(yán)肅的生理哲學(xué)。從道德的角度來講，比起行動(dòng)，思考實(shí)在是微不足道。我完成學(xué)位攻讀，回到美國(guó)。我要去耶魯醫(yī)學(xué)院了。
Because the med school application cycle takes eighteen months, I had a free year once my classes were over. Several professors had suggested I pursue a degree in the history and philosophy of science and medicine before deciding to leave academia for good. So I applied for, and was accepted into, the HPS program at Cambridge. I spent the next year in classrooms in the English countryside, where I found myself increasingly often arguing that direct experience of life-anddeath questions was essential to generating substantial moral opinions about them. Words began to feel as weightless as the breath that carried them. Stepping back, I realized that I was merely confirming what I already knew: I wanted that direct experience. It was only in practicing medicine that I could pursue a serious biological philosophy. Moral speculation was puny compared to moral action. I finished my degree and headed back to the States. I was going to Yale for medical school.