成長的煩惱第三季Growing Pains 305
summing those totals and then… what… Mike Seaver…
Mike: Yes, ma’am
Teacher: I’m waiting for an answer to my question
Mike: Oh, uh, ahem, false!
Teacher: This isn’t a true/false question.
Mike: Oh right, “D” none of the above.
Teacher: Forget it Mike, I’d like you to stay after school today we’ll go over the material you’ve
missed.
Mike: oh gee, I can’t. Coach Levocik has me staying after his class today.
Teacher: Tomorrow will be fine.
Mike: No can do, I got detention in history.
Teacher: Alright, Thursday, then?
Mike: Ah, look, to tell you the truth Mrs. Salinger, my whole week’s kinda booked up, but, um,
I do have a couple days open next week, though.
Teacher: Well, class, a visit from Mr. Dewitt, this is an honor indeed.
Mr. Dewitt; Stop sucking up Salinger, I’m in no mood. Where is Mike Seaver? Out in the
hallway, mister, and I mean now.
Mike: Next week I’ll probably be booked up too.
Mr. Dewitt: Mr. Seaver.
Mike: Ah, sir , if you just give me a chance I can explain.
Mr. Dewitt: I hope so.
Mike: I had no idea something as serious as this would happen and I will pay for all the
damages.
Mr Dewitt: What the gall darn are you talking about?
Mike: Uh… what are you talking about?
Mr. Dewitt: You first.
Mike: Well, um, I was just kinda apologizing for going to school here.
Mr. Dewitt: It’s too late for that. I want you to explain how a boy who is known as the school
screw-ball, a boy who has spent more time sitting outside my office than my secretary, explain
how this boy gets picked out by the student nominating committee to be one of the candidates
for student body president?
Mike: Me? In student body government?
Mr. Dewitt: It’s a mockery!
Mike: It stinks!
Mr. Dewitt: What will people think?
Mike: A total embarrassment!
Mr. Dewitt: Absolutely!
Mike: Not only for me but probably for this whole school, too!
Mr. Dewitt: That..
[Next scene]
Maggie: Carol, can’t you just be happy for your brother?
Carol: Mom, I’m just saying that if any Seaver should be nominated for student body
president it should be me.
Jason: Now honey, are you sure those just aren’t your hurt feelings talking?
Carol: Absolutely not!
Maggie: Carol, obviously the nominating committee saw beneath Mike’s surface.
Carol: And what did they see?
Maggie: Well, qualities of um…um…Jason, what did they see?
Jason: This is your point, honey.
Carol: I mean, isn’t there just one person in this house with an scintilla of objectivity, a
granule of judgment be succensible, fairness and decency.
Jason: My guess would be no.
Mike: When word gets out that I have been nominated people are gonna start accusing me of
being a hard working responsible young adult.
Boner: Geez, this is worse than we thought.
Friend: You know Seave, you’re turning into a regular Michael J. Fox.
Mike: Hey look, I have not worked since Kindergarten on my party animal image to have it all
flushed down the toilet.
Boner: Mikey, why don’t you just drop out?
Mike: I can’t drop out, my name is already on the ballot. If I drop out now I’ll be a weenie on
top of everything else.
Friend: What a stupid suggestion.
Boner: Oh yeah? I wasn’t talking about dropping out of the elections, I was talking about
dropping out of school, now who’s stupid? (phone rings)
Mike: Hello? Speaking, who’s this? The Schwartz twins? I have both of you on the line?
Friend: Ah, Bone, you’re left out.
Mike: And Cindy Bauer, too?
Boner: The Bone is back in.
Mike: Ah, well, who told you ladies that I was a candidate? Well I haven’t actually
decided if…what? You would? All of you? Well… I’m… I’m… I’m moved. Uh, ok, you too, bye
bye. The Schwartz twins said that they are willing to do anything to help us out with my
campaign.
ALL: Yeah!
[Next scene]
Mr. Dewitt: Ok, this brings us to the candidates for student body president. Our first
candidate is quarterback of the varsity football team, three time member of the honor roll, and
recipient of the perfect attendance award, Robert Jordan. His opponent, lord knows why, is
Mike Seaver. We’ll hear first from Mr. Seaver. You watch your language, mister.
Mike: Thank you, thank you, I mean that very, very sincerely Mr. Dewitt.
Girls: Hit it Girls! Okay! Michael Seaver he’s our man, vote for him, please oh please.
Mike: Okay, they’re not poets. Now why would a dude like me want to be your student body
president? Is it the fame? The money, the power? It’s the power. Just kidding. Now, what can I
tell you people, you all know me. You know what I’m all about and you know what I stand for.
And I ask you to overlook all that and vote for me anyway.
Girls: Mike! Vote for him! We’re gonna vote! He just might be okay.
Mr. Dewitt: Thank you for those stirring words. Now let’s hear from Mr. Jordan.
Robert: Thank you Mr. Dewitt. Ladies and gentlemen, fellow hooters…
Friend: Way to go out there, Mikey!
Mike: Can you get a load of this guy? He’s just handing out campaign tags with candy bars.
Boner: Mmm, yeah..
Robert: All good reasons, but we can ill-afford to turn over the student council to someone
who’s logged more time in detention than most of us have in our regular classes. And look
who he’s chosen for his running mate, Richard Stabone, known to one and all as…
Crowd: The Boner!
Robert: I bet Mike Seaver thinks its pretty funny. He can be your president. What he doesn’t
realize though is if he is elected president the joke will be on all of us. But, you don’t have to
take my word for it. Who would know him better than his own sister, my colleague from the
honor society, Carol Seaver. Carol, who are you supporting in this election?
Carol: Uh, well I haven’t decided yet.
Robert: Right, sorry, Carol, didn’t mean to put you on the spot like that. Anyway, my point is,
how bad a candidate can you be if your own sister won’t even vote for you?
Carol: What? Why did he do that to me?
Friend: I thought you wanted your brother to lose.
Carol: That’s right, but I wanted him totally humiliated but I didn’t want to hurt his feelings.
Friend: If I would’ve known you cared I would have supported Mike.
Carol: I just feel terrible.
Friend: I’ll support him now if you want.
Carol: I’m a traitor.
Friend: It doesn’t matter that he doesn’t stand a chance, doesn’t matter that the only reason
he’s on the ballot is because Jordan had a few friends who are on the nominating committee. I
don’t care I love you!
Carol: What did you just say?
Friend: I love you!
Carol: No, the important part.
Friend: Oh, the only reason Mike’s on the ballot is Jordan had a few friends on the nominating
committee.
Carol: Why?
Friend: Well, he needed an opponent who looked popular, but that no one takes seriously. The
perfect loser.
Carol: Really?
Mr. Dewitt: Thanks, Bob. The computer club will be tallying this year’s election electronically so
be sure you don’t fold, spindle, or mutilate your ballots. Assembly dismissed.
Mike: Uh, hold on a second, please. Um, even though some people may think I’m a bozo,
I am in this election because I am a Hooter through and through. And just for the record, I
did not ask Boner to be my running-mate as some kind of joke.
Boner: That’s right! I won the coin toss fair and square, right, Mikey?
[Next scene]
Maggie: Hi Benny
Ben: Hi Mom!
Maggie: So how did I do on tonight’s newscast?
Ben: Whoops.
Maggie: It’s okay.
Ben: I’ve been busy making signs for Mike’s campaign, see?
Maggie: Good for you.
Ben: Yeah, he says if it’s the last thing he does he’s kick Robert George’s behind and rub
Carol’s nose in it.
Maggie: What fun.
Jason: Hi honey, I had no idea it was this late.
Maggie: Mm-hmm. You missed my newscast.
Jason: Are you kidding? No…Ben and I were right there on the edge of our chairs, right Ben?
Ben: Too late Dad, I already told her the truth.
Jason: Why did you have to pick now to tell the truth? Honey, I wanted to watch it, I
honestly did.
Maggie: Oh, it’s okay sweetheart, you had your hands full making dinner.
Jason: Yeah, well, we’re eating out tonight.
Maggie: Oh?
Jason: Yeah, well Mike commandeered the kitchen for the campaign.
Maggie: You’re changing the subject.
Jason: Yes I am, just in time too. Yea, he’s got Eddie and Boner in there making signs,
planning strategies. You won’t believe the way he’s committed to this election.
Mike: Alright, alright, I want you to get 600 copies of this made, and by tomorrow morning
we’re gonna have one stuffed into every locker.
Boner, Eddie: Right.
Ben: And you said I couldn’t do 25 of ‘em.
Mike: I lick Mike?
Ben: What?
Mike: Ben, you misspelled “l(fā)ike” on every one of these.
Ben: So, you can’t use them?
Boner: Very humorous.
Ben: I’ll fix them.
Mike: Alright, just don’t watch TV when you do it, huh, Ben?
Maggie: So this is “Seaver for President” headquarters?
Mike: Yeah, hi Mom.
Jason: Well, Mr. Candidate, we’re going to go for some takeout down at the Choo-Choo Le
Mieux BBQ.
Mike: Uh, look, before you leave, Mom, you think you can take a look at this?
Maggie: Sure Mike, what is this?
Mike: Well, um, the elections are tomorrow and each candidate has to read a speech over the
PA system so I thought maybe you could take a look at it and tell me if it’s ok.
Maggie: Sure. I’m Mike Seaver your candidate for student body president. A lot of you think of
me as the guy in the back of the classroom who makes rude noises with my armpit. Uh, well,
ok, maybe I’ve done that, maybe I’m not a genius or anything and maybe I’m not a jock but
that doesn’t mean I don’t care about Dewey High. Ask my friends, they’ll tell you how much I
care about our school and about them. Hey, I’m just one of you guys, and if you think
somebody just like you might do a good job as student body president, I ask for your vote
today. Thank you.
Mike: No good, huh?
Maggie: Mike, I wouldn’t change a word of this.
Jason: Except maybe armpit.
Mike: You know I was kinda thinking about that, but that’s kinda how I’m best known.
Maggie: Oh, I wish I were still in high school.
Jason: So do I.
Maggie: Bye!
Jason: Bye bye! See you mike!
Mike: Bye bye. Have fun. Alright, rude noises with my armpit. Weird noises with my armpit.
Much better.
Carol: Mike?
Mike: Uh, Carol, look I really don’t have time to talk to you right now.
Carol: Come on, I’ve been waiting for you to be alone since I got home.
Mike: Why?
Carol: Well, to apologize for embarrassing you today, see I was just mad that somebody as
pathetically inadequate as you would be nominated for student body president.
Mike: Look, Carol, when does the apology start?
Carol: Look, I said I was sorry,.
Mike: Hey, look, maybe you don’t think stand a chance but the nominating committee sure
did.
Carol: The nominating committee? Mike, you should know something…
Mike: No, no, no, look you should know that I am not some kind of joke just because people
are laughing at me. With me. You know what I mean.
Carol: Mike, if you think you can win you’re really stupid, I mean…
Mike: Look, look, the nominating committee disagrees, and a lot of those guys happen to be
friends of Jordan. So now who’s stupid, Carol?
[Next scene]
PS: Ok, voting is now taking place in all homerooms. Get out and vote. Now, people!
Girls: Ready, girls? Okay! Mike’s our man, he’s so cute! If you need a heart or even a sleeve,
he’ll be your donor! So let’s be kind and overlook Boner!
Boner: Thank you ladies, thank you.
Mike: Bone, look, you got any more returns in?
Bone: Alright, alright, give them to me slow. Fresh man we’ve come so far…
Mike: Will you give me that? Jordan 191, Seaver 56.
Eddie: Mike, you sure?
Mike: Yeah, that’s what it says.
Boner: Read the other one.
Mike: Pee Wee Herman 64.
Boner: I didn’t even know he was running.
Eddie: Go see if you can get any more returns.
Girl: Mike, Mike! would you like to hear my victory cheer?
Mike: Maybe later. Maybe Carol’s right, maybe there is no place in politics for a guy who comes
to class with a toilet seat cover around his neck.
Eddie: Well then it’s a pretty sad day for America, Michael.
Boner: Ok, get this. Ok, sophomore class total. Jordan 115, Seaver 106.
Eddie: Hey, this is good Mikey!
Boney: Yeah, Pee Wee dropped out.
Mike: Yeah, I’m still way behind.
Eddie: Alright, Bone, go see what else you can get, hey buddy?
Boner: Hey! How come I gotta do all the stupid grunt work?
Eddie: Well, you said you wanted to be vice president, right?
Boner; Ooo, right.
Eddie: Don’t you give up yet Michael.
Mike: Yeah, right.
Eddie: Hey, Mikey, you okay?
Mike: Hey man, this is no big deal. I mean, who wants to be student body president anyway.
You know, the only reason I’m in this election is because… look, this whole thing is just a joke.
Boner: You guys aren’t gonna believe this one. Junior class total, Jordan 64, Seaver, 198.
Girls: 198 so far and…!
Mike: No, no! Please.
Eddie: Hey, look at this Mickey, You are only ten votes down from Jordan!
Boner: I’ll get the senior tally.
Mike: Oh, man. I could actually do this. I might win this one!
PA: Attention everyone, this is Mr. Dewitt speaking. We have the results of the student body
election.
Eddie: This is it.
PA: This is it. For student body president, the winner is.. him? It can’t be him.
Mike: Did you hear the contempt in his voice? It’s gotta be me.
PA: For president, Mike Seaver.
Girls: The votes are in, they have been tallied, Mike Seaver won! Hey, hey, hey!
Boner: I am vice-president. Me. Richard Millhouse Stabone. They ain’t gonna have Boner to
kick around no more.
[Next scene]
Maggie: Ok, to President Michael Aaron Seaver. Who… Oh gosh, that has a nice ring to it.
Ben: Here we go again.
Maggie: No, no, no, no, I’m not gonna, I’m not gonna cry.
Jason: Ok, alright, I’ll take care of the toast.
Ben: Somebody better, my arms getting tired.
Jason: Carol, hey, you’re just in time to toast your brother’s victory.
Mike: Ah, yea, Carol, something I wanna tell you from the bottom of my heart…
Jason: C’mon, you wanna be the first president in history to get grounded for his entire term?
Carol: Well, if I’m not wanted I’ll go to my room.
Jason: Hey! Hold on here.
Mike: Hey, let her go!
Carol: I’m going!
Mike: Good riddance!
Ben: This is great!
Jason: Stop this! Come on all of you.
Maggie: Ben, go to your room.
Ben: Why?
Maggie: Because somebody has to!
Ben: I’m going, I’m going.
Maggie: Now what is going on here?
Jason: Mike?
Maggie: Carol? Don’t anyone go anywhere. Except you, Ben.
Ben: Nuts!
Maggie: Hello?
Mr. Dewitt: Hello, I’m Hewey Dewitt, principal of Dewey-oh! Wow, you’re Maggie Malone. I
watch you on the news every night.
Maggie: Well, thank you. He watches me on the news every night.
Mr. Dewitt: You’re Mrs. Seaver. Oh, I didn’t make the connection.
Maggie: Well, come in. You’ve met my husband, Jason.
Mr. Dewitt: Many, many, many times.
Jason: How are you Mr. Dewitt?
Mr. Dewitt: Not good.
Mike: Yo, Mr. D!
Mr. Dewitt: I need a word with both of you in private about a grave matter concerning one of
your children.
Jason: Mike, don’t go anywhere.
Mr. Dewitt: Good choice.
Mike: I didn’t even do anything.
Maggie: My husband’s office?
Carol: I know why he’s here.
Mike: So do I, but it was only fake vomit and nobody got hurt!
Carol: Listen to me, it’s about the election, it was rigged!
Mike: So this has like, nothing to do with the vomit whatsoever?
Carol: Mike, listen, you won the election because I rigged it.
Mike: Oh yeah?
Carol: Yeah!
Mike: Why would you do that?
Carol: Well, this moment I’m questioning that myself. Let’s just say, I didn’t want you finishing
behind Pee Wee Herman.
Mike: Look, you expect me to believe you could pull something like that off?
Carol: I interfaced with the school computer, cross-referenced all active student ID numbers to
come up with 125 airs tat ones which I then input as ASP code back into the central data
bank.
Mike: Okay, that’s one way to do it.
Carol: That’s why the principle’s here!
Mike: Why should I believe you? I mean, you have been against me ever since the nominating
committee picked me.
Carol: They picked you because they thought you were a sure loser.
Mike: No, they didn’t.
Carol: Mike, think about it. Didn’t it seem a little odd that they choose someone who’s best
known for making rude noises with his armpit?
Mike: Weird noises.
Carol: I’m just telling you how it was. I mean, when I found out, it made me mad. I mean, I
don’t want people laughing at you who aren’t related to you.
Mike: You rigged the election for me?
Carol: Yeah, and for what it’s worth you came really close to winning without my votes.
Mike: You actually did something illegal for me? I don’t know what to say.
Carol: Well, you’re my brother, like it or not.
Jason: In my office!
Maggie: Mr. President!
Jason: This doesn’t concern you.
Carol: But it does!
Maggie: Carol, please. Mike!
Carol: Mom, I have to tell you something!
Jason: What is it?
Carol: Ok, alright.
Mike: Ok, this has nothing to do with you, alright? I’m the one who rigged the election, not
you. I interplaced with some of the computer hoosits and I did some stuff, some bad stuff,
some very, very bad stuff.
Carol: You did not!
Mike: I did too!
Carol: Mike!
Mike: Carol!
Maggie: Hold it!
Jason: Look I don’t know who’s responsible but whoever gets that detention in school will also
be held here at home, grounded for a long, long time.
Carol: He did it!
Mike: She did it!
[Next scene]
Mike: As you all heard on the PA system this morning, there was some uh…
Mr.Dewitt: Fraud
Mike: Ok, fraud, in yesterday’s voting, so I will not be able to serve as your president but I do
want to thank everyone out there who did vote for me, both those who do exist and those who
don’t. So, since the charter of the student council says that those who tamper with the
nominations or the elections must be disqualified, here is your new student body president,
the only person on either ticket who was not a crook, Richard Millhouse Stabone.
Crowd: Boner! Boner! Boner!
