雙語|現(xiàn)代散文:三毛 不死鳥

The Surviving Bird 不死鳥

◎ San Mao ◎ 三毛

Over a year ago，the Book Enthusiast magazine asked me to write an article in answer to the question，“What would you do suppose you were to live for only 30 more days from now？”

一年多前，愛書人雜志給我出了一個題目“如果你只有三十天的壽命，你將會做些什么？”

So far I still haven't set pen to paper.

我一直沒有動筆。

Hexi[1]，learning of it from me，asked with curiosity，“What would you do？”

荷西聽我說起這件事情，也曾好奇地問過我，——“你會做些什么呢？”

I was then kneading dough．Raising my hand caked with white flour to caress his hair with tenderness，I said unhurriedly，“O silly，I'm not going to die．I have to live on to make jiaozi[2] for you！”

當(dāng)時，我正在揉面，我舉起了沾著白粉的手，溫和地摸摸他的頭發(fā)，慢慢地說：“傻子，我不會死的，因?yàn)檫€得給你做餃子呢！”

Later when we again mentioned the article I was supposed to write at the request of the magazine，I still took a simple and resolute stand.“I'll keep watching over the house，”said I.“A person bearing responsibility for a home has no right to die at all.”

以后，我們又談起這份欠著的稿子，我的答案仍是那么的簡單而固執(zhí)——“我一樣的守這個家，有責(zé)任的人是沒有死亡的權(quán)利的?！?

Although I know my favourite way to end this life is by death，I still don't want to die．Three persons in this world have their fate so closely tied up with my life and death．They are my parents and Hexi．I refuse to die as long as they're alive．Not even a god can take me away when I say no.

雖然預(yù)知死亡是我喜歡的一種生命結(jié)束的方式，可是我仍然不能死，在這個世界上有三個與我個人存亡牢牢相連的人。那便是我的父親、母親還有荷西，如果世界上有他們活著一日，我便不可以死，連神也不能將我取去，因?yàn)槲也豢稀?

The loss of their beloved daughter would deprive my ageing parents of their life-long happiness and consolation．It would be cruel and unfair for them to suffer the crushing blow.

讓我父母在漸入高年時失去愛女，那么他們一生的幸福和慰藉，會因?yàn)檫@一件事情完全崩潰，這樣尖銳的打擊不可以由他們來承受，那是過分殘酷也過分不公平了。

If Hexi should lose his beloved wife，with whom he had been living for interdependence，what an emotional trauma he would undergo！And what bitterness would be deeply engraved in his mind！The thought of the complete vanishing of smiles from his face during the rest of his life as a result of his bereavement made me all the more determined against my death.

要荷西半途折翼，失去他相依為命的愛妻，那么在他日后的心靈上會有什么樣的傷痕，什么樣的烙??？如果因我的消失而使得荷西的余生不再有一絲笑容，那么我便更不能死。

I cannot bear to think of the great adversity to be brought on my parents and husband by my death．No，I can't，absolutely can't.

這些，又一些，因我的死亡而將使父母及丈夫所遭受到的大劫難，每想起來，便是不忍，不忍，不忍又不忍。

Yes，those who leave first are happier than those left behind，and the latter are not necessarily the stronger．In spite of my painful illness，I reiterate that for the sake of love，let me stay behind to drink down the last bitter cup of parting.

畢竟，先走的是比較幸福的，留下的并不是強(qiáng)者，可是想到這徹心切膚的病痛，我仍是要說——為了愛的緣故，這永別的苦杯，還是留給我來喝下吧。

I hope to remain with my parents and Hexi in their lifetime and be the last to pass away．It would make me turn in my grave if I should be the first to die，thus leaving them with perpetual sorrow．My concern for them is as deep as my love for them.

我愿意在父親、母親及荷西的生命圓環(huán)里，做最后離世的一個，如果我先去了，而將永遠(yuǎn)的哀傷留給世上的他們，那么是死不瞑目的，因?yàn)槲业膼塾卸嗌?，我的牽掛便有多長。

Therefore，I have no choice but to be a temporary surviving bird．Though I can't fly any more，having lost all my feathers due to Hexi's death，my broken heart is still treasured by my parents．They just won't let me die despite my spiritual agony and wound．And nor can I bear to lose them.

所以，我?guī)缀鯖]有選擇地做了暫時的不死鳥，我的羽毛雖然因?yàn)楹晌鞯南热?，已?jīng)完全脫落，無力再飛，可是那顆碎掉的心，仍是父母的珍寶。再痛，再傷，他們也不肯我死去，我也不忍放掉他們啊。

The day will surely come when six loving open arms on the other golden bank will welcome me to eternity．Then，and only then will I rush forward with a smile.

總有那么一天，在金色的彼岸，會有六只愛的手臂張開了在迎我進(jìn)入永生，那時，我方肯含笑狂奔而去了。

I originally intended this article to be written under another title．But I rejected the hypothesis that I was going to die in 30 days．The trials and tribulations of living，the sufferings of mortal life，the acute sorrow of parting for good—let me bear all that alone.

這份文字本是為著另一個題目寫的，可是我拒絕了只有一月壽命的假想，生的艱難，塵世的苦，死別時一剎的碎心又碎心，還是由我一個人來承擔(dān)吧。

Dad，Mom and Hexi，my dear ones，I love you more than I do myself．So let me guard your happiness and never unthinkingly speak of my death.

父親，母親，荷西，我的親人，我愛你們勝于自己的生命，那么我便護(hù)著你們的幸福，不輕言消失吧！

《不死鳥》的作者三毛本名陳平，女，浙江定海人，1943年生于四川重慶，1949年隨父母遷居臺灣，1964年入臺灣中國文化學(xué)院哲學(xué)系學(xué)習(xí)，肄業(yè)后游學(xué)歐美。1973年她與西班牙男子荷西結(jié)婚，婚后到西屬撒哈拉沙漠生活，1979年荷西潛水時意外喪生，她隨即回臺灣定居。1991年她自殺身亡，享年48歲。其作品介于自傳性散文與小說之間，描寫一個女子在世界各地的所見所聞。本文摘自林非選編《中國當(dāng)代散文經(jīng)典》一書。