雙語(yǔ)對(duì)照 ● 為什么我們愛(ài)上我們愛(ài)的人 Why We Love Who We Love

■ 為什么我們愛(ài)上我們愛(ài)的人 Why We Love Who We Love

◎ Joyce Brothers

Have you ever known a married couple that just didn’t seem as though they should fit together—yet they are both happy in the marriage, and you can’t figure out why?

你是否聽說(shuō)過(guò)這樣一對(duì)夫妻，他們看起來(lái)并不般配——卻婚姻幸福，家庭美滿，令人百思不得其解？

I know of one couple: He is a burly[56] ex-athlete who, in addition to being a successful salesman, coaches Little League, is active in his Rotary Club and plays golf every Saturday with friends. Meanwhile, his wife is petite, quiet and a complete Homebody. She doesn’t even like to go out to dinner.

我就知道這樣一對(duì)夫妻：他是一名身材魁梧的退役運(yùn)動(dòng)員，還是一個(gè)成功的銷售員，另外還在一家俱樂(lè)部當(dāng)教練；除此之外，他還熱心于扶輪社的各項(xiàng)事務(wù)，每周六都要和朋友打高爾夫。然而，他的妻子天生嬌小柔弱，喜歡安靜，完全一副以家庭為中心的樣子，甚至最好連外出吃飯都別叫上她。

What mysterious force drives us into the arms of one person, while pushing us away from another who might appear equally desirable to any unbiased[57] observer?

那么，當(dāng)我們遇上在外人看來(lái)同樣出色的兩個(gè)人時(shí)，是什么樣的神秘力量讓我們對(duì)一個(gè)人投懷送抱，而對(duì)另一個(gè)人敬而遠(yuǎn)之呢？

Of the many factors influencing our idea of the perfect mate, one of the most telling, according to John Money, professor emeritus of medical psychology and pediatrics at Johns Hopkins University, is what he calls our “love map”—a group of messages encoded in our brains that describes our likes and dislikes. It shows our preferences in hair and eye color, in voice, smell, and body build. It also records the kind of personality that appeals to us, whether it’s the warm and friendly type or the strong, silent type.

約翰·霍普金斯大學(xué)臨床醫(yī)學(xué)小兒科的榮譽(yù)退休教授約翰·莫尼認(rèn)為，在影響我們擇偶的眾多因素中，最重要的因素之一就是所謂的“愛(ài)的藍(lán)圖”——一組在大腦中描述我們喜好的編碼信息，它顯示了我們多方面的偏好，如頭發(fā)、眼球顏色、聲音、氣味、體格等，同時(shí)，它也記錄了對(duì)我們有吸引力的性格特征——是熱情友好，還是剛強(qiáng)內(nèi)斂。

In short, we fall for and pursue those people who most clearly fit our love map. And this love map is largely determined in childhood. By age eight, the pattern for our ideal mate has already begun to float around in our brains.

簡(jiǎn)言之，我們常常會(huì)傾心于并強(qiáng)烈追求那些與我們的“愛(ài)的藍(lán)圖”相吻合的人。我們的“愛(ài)的藍(lán)圖”早在童年時(shí)期就基本成型了。8歲時(shí)，我們的腦中就會(huì)開始浮現(xiàn)理想伴侶的形象。

When I lecture, I often ask couples in the audience what drew them to their dates or mates. Answers range from “She’s strong and independent” and “I go for redheads” to “I love his sense of humor” and “That crooked smile, that’s what did it.”

開講座時(shí)，我常常問(wèn)臺(tái)下的夫妻聽眾們，到底是什么讓他們開始約會(huì)，并最終走到一起的。我得到的答案五花八門、千奇百怪，從“她很堅(jiān)強(qiáng)、獨(dú)立”到“我喜歡紅頭發(fā)的人”，從“我喜歡他的幽默感”到“就是他那壞壞的微笑。”

Robert Winch, a longtime sociology professor at Northwestern University, stated in his research that our choice of a marriage partner involves a number of social similarities. But he also maintained that we look for someone with complementary needs. A talker is attracted to someone who likes to listen, or an aggressive personality may seek out a more passive partner.

西北大學(xué)的資深社會(huì)學(xué)教授羅伯特·威奇，曾經(jīng)在他的研究報(bào)告中說(shuō)道，我們對(duì)婚姻伴侶的選擇涵蓋了一系列社會(huì)共性。然而，他也堅(jiān)持，我們?cè)趯ふ野閭H時(shí)也是為了滿足互補(bǔ)的需求。善于聆聽的人鐘情于能說(shuō)會(huì)道的人，個(gè)性好強(qiáng)的人則會(huì)尋找性格溫婉的人。

However, there are instances where people of different social backgrounds end up getting married and being extremely happy. I know of one man, a factory worker from a traditional Irish family in Chicago, who fell in love with an African American Baptist. When they got married, their friends and relatives predicted a quick failure. But 25 years later, the marriage is still strong.

然而，也不乏一些社會(huì)背景相差懸殊，卻能喜結(jié)連理、幸福美滿的人。我就認(rèn)識(shí)這樣一個(gè)男人。他是一名工廠工人，來(lái)自芝加哥一個(gè)傳統(tǒng)的愛(ài)爾蘭家庭。他愛(ài)上了一位非裔美國(guó)浸禮會(huì)教徒。當(dāng)他們結(jié)婚時(shí)，親朋好友都覺(jué)得他們的婚姻不會(huì)長(zhǎng)久。但是，如今25年過(guò)去了，他們的婚姻依舊那樣牢不可破。

It turns out that the woman was like her mother-in-law—a loving and caring person, the type who rolls up her sleeves and volunteers to work at church or help out people in need. This is the quality that her husband fell for, and it made color and religion and any other social factors irrelevant to him.

原來(lái)，那個(gè)女人像她的婆婆一樣，善解人意、溫婉可人、富有同情心。她甘愿挽起衣袖在教堂里干活，或者為那些有需要的人們伸出援手。這就是她的丈夫覺(jué)得她的可愛(ài)之處。膚色、宗教以及其他一些社會(huì)因素之類，在他的眼中都不算什么。

Or as George Burns, who was Jewish and married the Irish Catholic Gracie Allen, used to say: his marriage was his favorite gig, even though it was Gracie who got all the laughs. The two of them did share certain social similarities—both grew up in the city, in large but poor families. Yet what really drew them together was evident from the first time they went onstage together. They complemented each other perfectly: he was the straight man, and she delivered the punch lines.

又比如說(shuō)喬治·伯恩斯，他是猶太人，卻和天主教徒格雷西·艾倫結(jié)婚。過(guò)去他常說(shuō)，就算格雷西騎在自己頭上，婚姻也是他最寶貴的財(cái)富。他們倆的確有一些共同的社會(huì)經(jīng)歷：他們都在大城市長(zhǎng)大，都來(lái)自窮苦的大家庭。然而，真正讓他們走到一起的是他們第一次一起登上舞臺(tái)的經(jīng)歷。他們的性格互補(bǔ)得恰到好處：?jiǎn)讨涡愿裰甭?，格雷西則妙語(yǔ)連珠。

There are certainly such “odd couples” who could scarcely be happier. We all know some drop-dead beautiful person married to an unusually plain wallflower. This is a trade-off some call the equity theory.

當(dāng)然，也有一些例外，這類“不般配的夫妻”生活得并不幸福。我們都知道，有些光彩照人的“白天鵝”和平平無(wú)奇的“丑小鴨”步入婚姻殿堂，這也許就是人們所說(shuō)的等價(jià)平衡理論吧！

When men and women possess a particular asset, such as high intelligence, unusual beauty, a personality that makes others swoon, or a hefty bankroll that has the same effect, some decide to trade their assets for someone else’s strong points. The raging beauty may trade her luster for the power and security that come with big bucks. The not-so-talented fellow from a good family may swap his pedigree for a poor but brilliantly talented mate.

當(dāng)男人和女人們擁有某種過(guò)人之處時(shí)，比如聰明絕頂、相貌出眾、個(gè)性獨(dú)具魅力、財(cái)力雄厚，那么，他們中的有些人就會(huì)用自己的優(yōu)點(diǎn)來(lái)?yè)Q取別人的長(zhǎng)處。出眾的美貌可能成為她換取權(quán)勢(shì)、金錢和安全感的資本。家底殷實(shí)卻不出眾的小伙子，則可以用他的富貴出身虜獲一位貧寒但聰慧的女孩的芳心。

Indeed, almost any combination can survive and thrive. Once, some neighbors of mine stopped by for a friendly social engagement. During the evening Robert, a man in his 50s, suddenly blurted out, “What would you say if your daughter planned to marry someone who has a ponytail and insisted on doing the cooking?”

誠(chéng)然，幾乎任何一種結(jié)合都存在幸福的可能。一次，鄰居們過(guò)來(lái)串門。晚上的時(shí)候，50多歲的羅伯特突然脫口而出：“如果你們的女兒嫁給一個(gè)綁著馬尾、并執(zhí)意要下廚房的人，你們會(huì)怎么樣？”

“Unless your daughter loves cooking,” I responded, “I’d say she was darn lucky.”

“除非你的女兒酷愛(ài)美食，”我答道，“否則我會(huì)說(shuō)她走了狗屎運(yùn)。”

“Exactly,” his wife agreed. “It’s really your problem, Robert—that old macho thing rearing its head again. The point is, they’re in love.”

“沒(méi)錯(cuò)，”他的妻子同意我的說(shuō)法，“那就是你的問(wèn)題咯，羅伯特！——你的大男子主義又來(lái)了，關(guān)鍵是他們彼此相愛(ài)。”

I tried to reassure Robert, pointing out that the young man their daughter had picked out seemed to be a relaxed, nonjudgmental sort of person—a trait he shared with her own mother.

我試著讓羅伯特放寬心，對(duì)他說(shuō)，他女兒選擇的那個(gè)年輕小伙子為人隨和，不專制，就像她媽媽一樣。

Is there such a thing as love at first sight? Why not? When people become love-struck, what happens in that instant is the couple probably discover a unique something they have in common. It could be something as mundane[58] as they both were reading the same book or were born in the same town. At the same time they recognize some trait in the other that complements their own personality.

真的有一見鐘情這回事嗎？為什么沒(méi)有呢？當(dāng)愛(ài)情來(lái)臨的時(shí)候，那一刻無(wú)論如何，愛(ài)侶們總能找到讓他們惺惺相惜的地方。這些地方可能很平常：比如他們?cè)?jīng)讀過(guò)同一本書，或者他們出生在同一個(gè)小鎮(zhèn)。與此同時(shí)，他們還會(huì)看到雙方性格的互補(bǔ)之處。

I happen to be one of those who were struck by the magic wand. On that fateful weekend, while I was a sophomore at Cornell University, I had a terrible cold and hesitated to join my family on vacation in the Catskill Mountains. Finally I decided anything would be better than sitting alone in my dormitory room.

巧的是，我也曾經(jīng)被愛(ài)情魔棒擊中。那時(shí)我還是康奈爾大學(xué)二年級(jí)的學(xué)生，在那個(gè)命中注定的周末，我得了重感冒，正猶豫著要不要隨家人一起去卡茨基爾山度假。最后，我還是決定去了，因?yàn)闊o(wú)論怎樣總比一個(gè)人待在宿舍里強(qiáng)。

That night as I was preparing to go to dinner, my sister rushed up the stairs and said, “When you walk into that dining room, you’re going to meet the man you’ll marry.”

那天晚上，我正要去赴宴的時(shí)候，妹妹沖上樓對(duì)我說(shuō)：“當(dāng)你走進(jìn)那家餐廳的時(shí)候，你就會(huì)看到你的白馬王子。”

I think I said something like “Buzz off!” But my sister couldn’t have been more right. I knew it from the moment I saw him, and the memory still gives me goose flesh. He was a premed student, also at Cornell, who incidentally also had a bad cold. I fell in love with Milton the instant I met him.

我想我當(dāng)時(shí)說(shuō)了句“走開”之類的話?？墒?，果然被她說(shuō)中了。當(dāng)我見到他的那一刻，我就知道是他了。這樣的記憶至今回想起來(lái)仍會(huì)讓我渾身起雞皮疙瘩。他是醫(yī)科大的預(yù)科生，也在康奈爾大學(xué)，更巧的是，他也得了重感冒。從我第一眼看到米爾頓，我就愛(ài)上了他。

Milt and I were married for 39 years, until his death in 1989. And all that time we experienced a love that Erich Fromm called a “feeling of fusion, of oneness,” even while we both continued to change, grow and fulfill our lives.

到1989年米爾特去世，我們結(jié)婚39年了。一直以來(lái)，我們共同經(jīng)歷著艾瑞克·弗洛姆所說(shuō)的那份融合之情，合二為一的愛(ài)戀。甚至當(dāng)我們不斷蛻變、共同成長(zhǎng)時(shí)，仍舊一起履行著我們的生命之約。

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