Excerpt from The Enigma of Arrival
To see the possibility,the certainty,of ruin,even at the moment of creation:it was my temperament1).Those nerves had been given me as a child in Trinidad partly by our family circumstances:the half-ruined or broken-down houses we lived in,our many moves,our general uncertainty.Possibly,too,this mode of feeling went deeper,and was an ancestral2) inheritance,something that came with the history that had made me:not only India,with its ideas of a world outside men’s control,but also the colonial plantations3) or estates of Trinidad,to which my impoverished4) Indian ancestors had been transported in the last century ――estates of which this Wiltshire estate,where I now lived,had been the apotheosis.
Fifty years ago there would have been no room for me on the estate;even now my presence was a little unlikely.But more than accident had brought me here.Or rather,in the series of accidents that had brought me to the manor5) cottage,with a view of the restored church,there was a clear historical line.The migration6),within the British Empire,from India to Trinidad had given me the English language as my own,and a particular kind of education.This had partly seeded my wish to be a writer in a particular mode,and had committed me to the literary career I had been following in England for twenty years.
The history I carried with me,together with the self-awareness that had come with my education and ambition,had sent me into the world with a sense of glory dead;and in England had given me the rawest7) stranger’ s nerves.Now ironically8) ――or aptly ――living in the grounds of this shrunken estate,going out for my walks,those nerves were soothed,and in the wild garden and orchard beside the water meadows I found a physical beauty perfectly suited to my temperament and answering,besides,every good idea I could have had,as a child in Trinidad,of the physical aspect of England.
The estate had been enormous,I was told.It had been created in part by the wealth of empire.But then bit by bit it had been alienated9).The family in its many branches flourished in other places.Here in the valley there now lived only my landlord,elderly,a bachelor,with people to look after him.Certain physical disabilities had now been added to the malaise10) which had befallen him years before,a malaise of which I had no precise knowledge,but interpreted as something like accidia,the monk’s torpor or disease of the Middle Ages ――which was how his great security,his excessive worldly blessings,had taken him.The accidia had turned him into a recluse ,accessible only to his intimate friends.So that on the manor itself,as on my walks on the down,I had a kind of solitude11).
I felt a great sympathy for my landlord.I felt I could understand his malaise;I saw it as the other side of my own.I did not think of my landlord as a failure.Words like failure and success didn’t apply.Only a grand man or a man with a grand idea of his human worth could ignore the high money value of his estate and be content to live in its semi-ruin.My meditations in the manor were not of imperial decline.Rather,I wondered at the historical chain that had brought us together――he in his house,I in his cottage,the wild garden his taste(as I was told)and also mine.
□by Sir V.S.Naipaul
2001年諾貝爾獲獎(jiǎng)作家奈保爾
節(jié)選自《抵達(dá)之謎》
甚至在創(chuàng)造之際就看見(jiàn)毀滅的可能和必然:那是我的天性。當(dāng)我還是一個(gè)孩子,住在特立尼達(dá)的時(shí)候,那種神經(jīng)質(zhì)在一定程度上就已由我們的家境賜給了我:我們居住的半坍塌的抑或已殘破的房子,我們的一次次遷居,我們的普遍的不穩(wěn)定感。也許,這種情緒更加深沉,是一種祖?zhèn)鳎鼇?lái)自造就我的歷史:不僅來(lái)自印度,那兒充斥著人力之外的世界的種種觀念,而且來(lái)自特立尼達(dá)的殖民地種植園或莊園,我的貧窮的印度祖先就是在上個(gè)世紀(jì)被運(yùn)到這里的---在這些莊園里,我目前居住的威爾特郡莊園曾是完美之至。
50年以前,這個(gè)莊園里本不會(huì)有我容身,即便是現(xiàn)在,我的出現(xiàn)也有點(diǎn)不大可能。但我來(lái)到這兒不僅僅是因?yàn)闄C(jī)緣巧合,確切地說(shuō),在引我來(lái)此莊園小舍---從此處可見(jiàn)已修葺一新的教堂---的一系列機(jī)緣巧合中,有著清晰的歷史線索。在大英帝國(guó)內(nèi)從印度到特立尼達(dá)的移民,讓英語(yǔ)成了我自己的語(yǔ)言,又給了我特別的教育。這在一定程度上滋生了我要當(dāng)一名用特別的方式寫(xiě)作的作家的愿望,讓我投身于文學(xué)事業(yè),這種事業(yè),我在英格蘭已從事了20年。
我身上的歷史印記以及伴隨我的教育和抱負(fù)而來(lái)的自我意識(shí),讓我生活在一個(gè)失去了榮耀感的世界里,而在英格蘭它們讓我感到了異鄉(xiāng)客的最大的心靈創(chuàng)痛。具有諷刺意味的是---或者再恰當(dāng)不過(guò)---目前住在這個(gè)規(guī)模變小了的莊園上,在屋外散著步,那種異鄉(xiāng)客的惶惑心情被一一慰去。在草甸近旁的荒蕪的花園和果樹(shù)林中,我找到了一種自然之美,正適合我的性格,也響應(yīng)了我少時(shí)在特立尼達(dá)有關(guān)英格蘭自然風(fēng)貌之美的種種幻想。
聽(tīng)說(shuō)這座莊園曾經(jīng)特別大,它在一定程度上是由帝國(guó)的財(cái)富建成的。然而,一點(diǎn)一點(diǎn)地,它被轉(zhuǎn)讓出去。這個(gè)家族的許多分支在別的地方興旺起來(lái)。目前,在這條溪谷里只住著我的房東,他年邁,單身,需要人們照顧。幾年前他患上抑郁癥,如今再添身體殘疾。我對(duì)抑郁癥所知甚微,但據(jù)說(shuō)類似神情淡漠,像中世紀(jì)的僧侶病---那是極度的安全感和對(duì)塵世的無(wú)限祝福占據(jù)了他的全部心思。抑郁寡歡使他成了隱士,只有密友方能見(jiàn)到。于是,住在莊園上,漫步在有草的山路時(shí),我感到孤獨(dú)。
我相當(dāng)同情我的房東。我感到自己能理解他的郁悶;我把郁悶看作自己的另一面。我并不認(rèn)為我的房東是一個(gè)失敗者。像失敗和成功之類的詞語(yǔ)在此不妥。只有極其自負(fù)的人或?qū)ψ陨韮r(jià)值評(píng)判頗高的人才會(huì)忽視其莊園的巨大的金錢價(jià)值,而滿足于居住在半傾頹的處所。我在莊園里的沉思與帝國(guó)的衰落無(wú)關(guān)。相反,我思索著把我們倆帶到一起的歷史鏈條---他在自己的屋子,我在他的小舍,荒蕪的花園是他的興趣(聽(tīng)說(shuō)如此),也是我的喜好。
NOTE 注釋:
1. temperament [5tempErEmEnt] n. 氣質(zhì), 性情
2. ancestral [An5sestrEl] adj. 祖先的, 祖?zhèn)鞯?/span>
3. plantation [plAn5teiFEn] n. 耕地, 種植園
4. impoverished [Im`pCvErIFt] adj. 窮困的
5. manor [5mAnE] n. (封建領(lǐng)主的)領(lǐng)地, 莊園
6. migration [mai5^reiFEn] n. 移民
7. raw [rC:] adj. 刺痛的
8. ironically [aiE5rCnikEli] adv. 說(shuō)反話地, 諷刺地
9. alienate [5eiljEneit] v. 疏遠(yuǎn)
10. malaise [mA5leiz] n. 不舒服
11. solitude [5sClitju:d] n. 孤獨(dú)