考研英語(yǔ)作文考場(chǎng)范文批改及點(diǎn)評(píng)(4)

The picture describes a prevailing phenomenon that the copycating(改為copycatting products) is(改為are) become more and more populat(拼寫(xiě)錯(cuò)誤，改為popular).In picture the man painting(句子缺謂語(yǔ)，改為is painting) the vase which(此處用定語(yǔ)從句不合適，建議改為and) his mind is fulled(改為full，be full of為固定短語(yǔ)) of money, (逗號(hào)改為句號(hào)，然后加There are)large of fake products behind with(去掉with，behind本身為介詞，后面不用再加其他介詞)him .That may created(改為creat，may為情態(tài)動(dòng)詞，情態(tài)動(dòng)詞后面跟動(dòng)詞原形) a cultural(改為the culture,cultural為形容詞，此處應(yīng)該為名詞，再者，culture為不可數(shù)名詞，不能用a修飾)so called(改為which is so called) "copycating(拼寫(xiě)錯(cuò)誤，改為copycatting)culture" (注意句末加句號(hào))Slow growing(改為Slow-growing) fish are outlive than fast growing one(改為fast-growing ones).Make money we should choice(choice為名詞，此處需要?jiǎng)釉~，改為choose) a batter(去掉a，將batter改為better) ways (漢語(yǔ)式英語(yǔ)，整句話可改為If we want to make money, we should choose a better way).In our social(改為名詞形式society) we live(去掉) ,people always saw(改為see,always常與現(xiàn)在時(shí)態(tài)連用) the money as their primary reason for being .No mater(改為Whether you are a) businessman or producter(改為a producer) they make money be anxious to achieve quick success and get instant benefits(漢語(yǔ)式英語(yǔ)，改為you will be anxious when you achieve quick success or get instant benefits),(注意斷句)they make money by a wrong means like copy the well goods what sell well(漢語(yǔ)式英語(yǔ)，無(wú)邏輯，改為T(mén)hey want to make money by wrong means, for example, they copy the goods which sell well),what more ,producters(拼寫(xiě)錯(cuò)誤，改為producers)producting(注意詞性的正確選擇，改為produce) goodsin low capture(改為with a low cost) or added(改為add) poisonous(加things，poisonous為形容詞，用來(lái)修飾名詞) in food,how terrible it is ,(注意斷句)that way to product food harmful with people(表達(dá)有誤，改為and it is harmful for people) .Obviously the events of sanlu(漢語(yǔ)拼音首字母要大寫(xiě)，用斜體，改為Sanlu) milk poweder(改為which contains vc poweder) it(去掉) can be said babys' disaste(改為disaster),many knock-off(意思用于此處不正確，改為producers) didn't(文章時(shí)態(tài)整體保持一致，改為don’t) conform with official safety standards .Recently,the event about copycating(拼寫(xiě)錯(cuò)誤，改為copycatting) iphone charger result in user die rise people care about copycating again(漢語(yǔ)式英語(yǔ)，改為which result in the death of users makes people care about copycatting products again.)above(首字母大寫(xiě)) all of accident caused by fake product i (改為I) think that many reason(改為reasons，many修飾可數(shù)名詞復(fù)數(shù)) result it but the most important have three(注意正確使用積累的經(jīng)典句型，改為can explain the phenomenon, and I would explorethree of the most ones here). The(序數(shù)詞作為“首先，其次，……”解釋時(shí)，前面不加定冠詞) first ,was(句子無(wú)主語(yǔ)，改為it is) the low moral consciousness of business and producter (漢語(yǔ)式英語(yǔ)，改為that businessmen and producers have low moral consciousness),(加連詞and,兩個(gè)句子之間應(yīng)該用連詞連接)they want noting except(改為but，nothing but為固定用法) money that careless(可改為needless to say) consumers .the(去掉the)second ,from consumers(改為consumers’) options,they choice(改為動(dòng)詞形式choose) the low price something(改為things) compare with high price(可改為they would like choose the low price things rather than choose high price things) ,and the most of copycating(拼寫(xiě)錯(cuò)誤，改為copycatting, 后加products) attract consumers by low price .the (去掉the) last as supervision department(加逗號(hào)，然后加主語(yǔ)they) didn't enhance supervise.In my opinion there are some ways that defending (改為to defend)the phenomenon of copycating (拼寫(xiě)錯(cuò)誤，改為copycatting),primary (改為Primarily,) is(去掉) as consumers we are dong (改為should not)buy the copycating(拼寫(xiě)錯(cuò)誤，改為copycatting),the (去掉the)second ,surpervision(拼寫(xiě)錯(cuò)誤，改為supervision) department take serious methods attack(改為to against) copycating(拼寫(xiě)錯(cuò)誤，改為copycatting,再加products) producters(刪掉) good people do noting that like help bed tings so we all should join in the campaign that defend copycating(拼寫(xiě)錯(cuò)誤，改為copycatting) (整句話改為：and we should make joint efforts to boycott copycatting products)

編輯點(diǎn)評(píng)

文章整體是以漢語(yǔ)式英語(yǔ)完成的，建議作者從最簡(jiǎn)單的做起，先積累一些詞匯，句子;并學(xué)習(xí)簡(jiǎn)單的語(yǔ)法知識(shí)，要寫(xiě)好文章，首先要能寫(xiě)出好句子，而好句子則是建立在正確的句子基礎(chǔ)之上。一定要搞清楚句子的成分，簡(jiǎn)單句一般是由主語(yǔ)+謂語(yǔ)+賓語(yǔ)或主語(yǔ)+系動(dòng)詞+表語(yǔ)構(gòu)成;在弄清楚簡(jiǎn)單句的基礎(chǔ)之上，再學(xué)習(xí)復(fù)雜的從句，一步一個(gè)腳印，踏踏實(shí)實(shí)提高自己的寫(xiě)作成績(jī)。你可以在積累、學(xué)習(xí)一段時(shí)間之后，寫(xiě)一些句子，然后再練習(xí)寫(xiě)文章。

參考分?jǐn)?shù)：9分(滿分20分)