考研英語作文考場范文批改及點評(9)

As is depicted in the picture,a poor old man,rolling like a football,is kicked between(改為among，注意between和among的區(qū)別，between表示在兩者之間，among則表示在三者或三者以上之間) his three sons and daughter(改為a daughter).Unwilling to be responsible for their father ,the daughter and sons spare no effort to kick the old man as far as possible.We are irritated to see in the picture(建議放到句首或句末) the pathetic fact that these people go to any length to avoid surporting(拼寫錯誤，改為supporting) their parents. Unfortunately, what we have seen in the picture isn't a rare phenomenon. However,what factor it is that results in this situation? (漢語式英語，改為what is the cause of this situation?) For one thing, in my opinion, the decreased importance attached to the moral education contributes to the lack of ethnic conception,leadiing (建議改為定語從句，which leads)to the consequence that paople(拼寫錯誤，改為people) don 't esteem and(改為or，肯定句中用and，否定句中用or) value their parents . For another ,faced with the pressure of work and house installment ,young people can hardly make ends meet let alone taking good care of their old parents who is(改為are，定語從句的先行詞為parents,從句中的謂語動詞應(yīng)用are) fragile to a sudden disease such as heart attack.There is no denying that further attention must be paid to the problem by the government .To handle this worsening situation,more money should be involed(拼寫錯誤，改為involved) in the pension to guarantee the daily life of old people. In addition, instead of merely focusing on the scores,schools ought to put more stress on moral education.(結(jié)尾較為倉促，可適當添加總結(jié)性的話語)

編輯點評

考研作文的整體思路你已經(jīng)基本掌握;但還存在個別簡單的語法錯誤、單詞拼寫錯誤及漢語式英語的問題。建議作者多讀、多積累好的詞匯及句子;之后可按照佳句進行模仿，以達到用地道的英語表達方式描述自己想法的目的;再者，寫完之后一定要認真檢查，減少失分點。

參考分數(shù)：12分(滿分20分)