英語(yǔ)GRE作文：點(diǎn)評(píng)一篇GRE 作文習(xí)作

          5. “One of the most clever use of emotion to differ itself is seen in the old Volvo slogan, ‘Volvo, the car for people who think’”。首先，“differ”為不及物動(dòng)詞，不能后接賓語(yǔ)，故應(yīng)改成“differentiate (…from…)。其次，反身代詞“itself”嚴(yán)重失誤，因?yàn)榘凑照Z(yǔ)法規(guī)則它在這里只能指代主語(yǔ)，即“the use of emotion”。實(shí)際上，文章作者想指代的是“Volvo”汽車，但由于反身代詞不可能出現(xiàn)在所指代的對(duì)象之前，故這里可改成“to differentiate one product from similar products”。

　　 6.“The suggested reason for buying the car is obvious: it is the intelligent choice, and this is where the unique idea appeals to people----they want to be included in the group of intelligent, thoughful people.”既然文章作者引用的是“Volvo”的一個(gè)“old slogan”，故為了做到嚴(yán)謹(jǐn)，所有動(dòng)詞應(yīng)改成過(guò)去時(shí)態(tài)。此外，“this”應(yīng)改成“that”，“where”應(yīng)改成“how”，“thoughful”拼寫(xiě)有誤，應(yīng)改成“thoughtful”。

　　7.“So we can conclude that when you’ve got something special, you stand out and go ahead of your competitors.”用“go ahead of”來(lái)表示“超過(guò)，勝出”有失恰當(dāng)，應(yīng)改成“get ahead of…”或“get the upper hand of…”。

　　8.“However, overemphasizing apparent differences may mask the meaningful similarities between things, which would do harm to the meaningful and constructive communication not only between individuals but also even between different cultures.” “not only…but also…”已含有遞進(jìn)關(guān)系，故“even”是多余的。

　　9.“First of all, too much focus on apparent differences may narrow ones eyesight and blind him from the basic and foundamental similarity in common with others, which is the very element that understanding, helpful discussion, and potential cooperation necessaries to develop.” 首先，“ones”應(yīng)改成所有格的形式“one’s”。其次，“eyesight”表示生理上的視力，而文章所需要的看問(wèn)題的“眼光”，故應(yīng)改成“sight”或“vision”或“perspective”。詞組“blind sb. from sth.”是有誤的，應(yīng)改成“blind sb. to sth.”；“foundamental”拼寫(xiě)有誤，應(yīng)改成“fundamental”，“similarity”應(yīng)改成復(fù)數(shù)的“similarities”；在“similarity”后面使用“in common with…”是重復(fù)的，應(yīng)改成介詞“to”。“that”引導(dǎo)的定語(yǔ)從句有誤，“necessaries”是憑空捏造的動(dòng)詞，根本沒(méi)有這個(gè)詞匯，應(yīng)改成“…that is necessary for…to develop”，此外，“discussion”應(yīng)采用復(fù)數(shù)形式。

　　10.“In addition, without the acknowledge of the common share between different cultures in human nature , such as desire, love, hate, jealousy, etc., and in its function to cultivate its peopel and to serve the power of its nation, one may find it really hard to understand another culture’s customs and values deviating from his own, and that is where his bias and prejudice toward that culture starts and forms.”該句前半部分，即主句之前的所有內(nèi)容不知所云，表述嚴(yán)重含混不清。首先，“the acknowledge of”有誤，整個(gè)應(yīng)改成“acknowledging”，最起碼也應(yīng)該改成”the acknowledgement of…”。 作為單數(shù)的所有格“its”只能指“the common share”或“human nature”， 但照此理解將引起巨大混亂。據(jù)推斷，應(yīng)是指復(fù)數(shù)的“cultures”，故應(yīng)改成”their”。此外，“peoel”拼寫(xiě)有誤，應(yīng)改成“people”。主句中的“deviating from his own”應(yīng)改成“（that are）different from his own”。前半部分所要表達(dá)的意思可能是：“此外，如果不承認(rèn)不同文化分享著人性的某些共同的側(cè)面，如欲望，愛(ài)憎，嫉妒等情感，并且每一種文化都起著教育其民眾，增強(qiáng)該民族力量的作用的話，那么，…”。原文應(yīng)徹底重新組織（見(jiàn)后面的“改后稿”）。