語言修改
And[4] the mainstream science plays the very vital role to provide people with reasonable methods[5]. These science are based on practical experiments, carefully analize and reasoning[6]. They may not seem as good as those nonmainstream areas in satisfying human needs, but under their artless face they give people real help. On the other hand, science plays the very vital role of providing people with reasoned[7] methods to conduct life. Science is based on practical experiments, careful analysis, and reasoning. They may not seem as miraculous as nonmainstream areas in satisfying human needs, but under their artless face they give people real help.
內(nèi)容點(diǎn)評(píng)及修改
這一段大問題跟前面類似,只是提出了主流的科學(xué)給人們提供合理的方法。這些科學(xué)是基于實(shí)驗(yàn),仔細(xì)的分析和邏輯的方法的。它們看上去不如非主流的追求那樣滿足人們的追求,但是卻能給人提供真正的幫助。這是作者的觀點(diǎn),但是沒有具體說明科學(xué)是如何給人們提供合理的方法,缺乏真正能夠支持論點(diǎn)的實(shí)例。下面的修改范例在內(nèi)容上對(duì)原稿進(jìn)行了補(bǔ)充。不僅提出科學(xué)不像那些迷信那樣能夠給人們提供奇跡的、不可思議的方法,但是在科學(xué)樸實(shí)的外表之下它能夠給人們帶來真正的幫助,并例舉了
具體的科學(xué)門類所給人們提供的幫助。
修改范例
On the other hand, the history of mankind has amply demonstrated that, science based on experiments and analysis, provide people with reasoned methods to conduct life. Psychology explains human behavior. Sociology enlightens people on their relationship with their surrounding environment. Modern medicine has advanced so much that it is now possible to predict cancer even before a child is born.
原稿(第五段)
語言修改
Generally speaking, the so-called[8] nonmainstream areas color our life to a GREat extent, but we should believe in[9] the mainstream science when we want to resolve problems[10]. Mainstream areas color our lives to a GREat extent, but we should put our trust in mainstream science when we want to solve real problems.
總評(píng)這篇GRE考試作文所犯的錯(cuò)誤非常有代表性,提出的觀點(diǎn)幾乎完全沒有例證。這是中國學(xué)生最大的通病。許多學(xué)生似乎覺得如果觀點(diǎn)是公認(rèn)的,就不需要例證了。但是現(xiàn)在是在考寫作能力,其中最重要的一條就是能否用恰當(dāng)?shù)乩C支持觀點(diǎn)。至于觀點(diǎn)是否新穎還是其次的考量。
第二個(gè)錯(cuò)誤,也是非常普遍的錯(cuò)誤就是沒有表現(xiàn)出對(duì)問題的復(fù)雜性的理解。有老師把這一點(diǎn)說成是“表達(dá)復(fù)雜思想的能力”。這樣說不準(zhǔn)確。GRE寫作不要求表達(dá)“復(fù)雜的思想”,而是表現(xiàn)出洞悉議題的復(fù)雜性的能力。GRE作文的題目往往不是黑白分明的,你可以有自己的觀點(diǎn),多么強(qiáng)烈都可以,但是從第一段起,就要注意展現(xiàn)對(duì)問題復(fù)雜性的認(rèn)識(shí)。具體說,就是認(rèn)識(shí)到你反駁或不同意的觀點(diǎn)往往也有它的道理?! ?[1] “Do harm to”改為“harm”,因?yàn)檫@樣說更直接。英語里有 “does more harm than good”, “did little harm”這樣的表達(dá)法,但是“對(duì)…有害”應(yīng)該直接用 “harm”, 或者be harmful to, be detrimental to.
[2] “resolution” 是“決心”的意思,如New Year resolution. 此外還有“決議”的意思,如:a resolution of the dispute.“解決問題”中的“解決”要用“solve” 或者“solution”。
[3] “the God”改為“God ”或是“the Gods”。
[4]表示轉(zhuǎn)折的詞中and是很少用的。這一段和上一段的關(guān)系是轉(zhuǎn)折,應(yīng)該用but。
[5]原稿中只提到了methods,而沒有說是干什么的方法。改后稿改為methods to conduct life,具體說明了處理生活的方法。
[6]第二句犯了parallelism的錯(cuò)誤,不能夠真正的平行。practical experiments是個(gè)名詞, carefully analize 是副詞加動(dòng)詞,而reasoning是動(dòng)名詞。“科學(xué)看上去不如非主流的追求那樣滿足人們的追求。”這句話在內(nèi)容上也是有問題的。
[7] reasoned表示“合乎邏輯的”,reasonable表示“較為合理的”不一定是合乎邏輯的。reasonable還表示“費(fèi)用不高的”。
[8] 用法錯(cuò)誤:“So-called”暗示所提及的內(nèi)容不是真正意義上的非主流,只是這樣叫罷了。
[9] believe in: 信仰, trust, put trust in: 信任。
[10] resolve conflict解決沖突,解決問題直接用solve problems就可以了。real problem表示現(xiàn)實(shí)當(dāng)中的問題。