GRE寫作滿分范文三十四

"Our declining environment may bring the people of the world together as no politician, philosopher, or war ever could.  Environmental problems are global in scope and respect no nation's boundaries.  Therefore, people are faced with the choice of unity and cooperation on the one hand or disunity and a common tragedy on the other."  

In todays society we spend to much time addressing issues that will not prepare us for the trials and tributlations facing our young people.  

For example, there is a war on drugs that is effecting every family in america, without any consideration for race, gender, or enthic background.  This country needs to develop a systerm on how to deal with this ongoing problem effecting americans.  There are certain issues that constantly take center stage in america; for example race relations has return to the horrible days of the fifiths.  There is know doubt that we are facing troubling times, and we are not paying attention to what is going on. We need to get back to our value systerm, family, work, church, and responsibility and emphasis to our children the importancy of education and respect of others.  If we provide a healthy model we can help curve the violence and mayheam the that is destroying our schools, cities and states.  

Finally, if we are proud of being  americans, less take this problem and do something about it by diversity training and multi- cultural activities.  

Sincerely, Comments: 

This is not a coherent discussion of the issue.

The writer seems to define "environment" broadly, though vaguely, as the "cultural environment."  While the idea that environmental problems are fundamentally cultural in origin could be the basis for a promising essay, this response does not coherently develop that idea.  Moreover, the writer does not address the issue's claims about international cooperation.  Instead the essay jumps from problem to problem without adequately describing those problems.  For example, "the war on drugs" is referred to as a problem, but it is not clear whether it is law enforcement's "war" on drugs or people's use of drugs that is the issue.  

Numerous errors interfere with comprehension, including errors in word usage ("emphasis to our children," "less take this problem") and grammar ("race relations has return to").  Finally, the essay ends with a closing ("Sincerely") that is more appropriate for a letter than an analytical essay.