雅思大作文點(diǎn)評(píng):學(xué)生是否應(yīng)上私立中學(xué)？

 

　　More attention has been paid to education, playing a vital role in every field （首先，這個(gè)非謂語(yǔ)動(dòng)詞詞組讀上去感覺(jué)不是很順，再仔細(xì)一想，它到底是修飾誰(shuí)呢？從語(yǔ)法上來(lái)說(shuō)，似乎沒(méi)有問(wèn)題，但從意思表達(dá)上來(lái)說(shuō)，表達(dá)不清） , by the whole society, especially parents( 這里加個(gè) by ，意思比較清晰點(diǎn)，而且結(jié)構(gòu)上來(lái)說(shuō)更好，即 by the parents). It is not surprising that a burning problem （這個(gè) burning 用的很不錯(cuò)，大家學(xué)習(xí)一下，比如 a burning interest （強(qiáng)烈的興趣愛(ài)好，即酷愛(ài)） in science ； I had a burning ambition （強(qiáng)烈的野心，即雄心勃勃） to become a journalist ； The burning question （嚴(yán)重的，緊急的問(wèn)題） in this year's debate over the federal budget is: whose taxes should be raised? ） for parents is whether they should send their offspring to private secondary schools. I suggest that children should go to private schools if parents can afford the expensive tuition.

 

　　結(jié)構(gòu)分析：思路很清晰。前兩句話是引題，最后一句話鮮明地表達(dá)自己的觀點(diǎn)。而且在這一段就感覺(jué)句型比較豐富，不錯(cuò)。

 

　　語(yǔ)言分析：感覺(jué)這位作者的英語(yǔ)水平應(yīng)該不錯(cuò)，通過(guò)某些句型和詞匯的使用，讓我有更高的期待，呵呵。。。

 

　　Admittedly, compared with private schools, tuition in public ones （這個(gè)錯(cuò)誤很細(xì)小，主要是受了中文干擾，犯了邏輯主語(yǔ)不一致的錯(cuò)誤！根據(jù)作者的表達(dá)， tuition in public schools 和 private schools 在比較，即學(xué)費(fèi)和學(xué)校比了，不是學(xué)費(fèi)和學(xué)費(fèi)比了！ Understand?! 而且，用 tuition 作主語(yǔ)，后面的謂語(yǔ)是 be free of charge 也是搭配不當(dāng)?shù)?！?yīng)改為 compared with private schools, public schools are free of charge ） is free of charge, and then it( 由于我前面一個(gè)句子的主語(yǔ)改成了 public schools ，所以這里要用 they) brings( 因此，這里用 bring) no financial burden to families, more attractive to not wealthy enough ones( 這里是詞序的問(wèn)題！試想：足夠富裕的家庭，到底應(yīng)該怎么說(shuō)？！應(yīng)該是 families wealthy enough ，把 enough 的短語(yǔ)一起放在名詞后面修飾名詞！ ) . In addition, public schools, as usually （這個(gè)居然也錯(cuò)！該打，應(yīng)該為 as usual ） , are closer and students can spend less time, in the case of frequent traffic congestion nowadays, on everyday commute between the school and home.

 

　　But, more importantly, private schools have an upper hand in education quality, the underlying ingredient （這里相比之下，我覺(jué)得用 element 更好） in school assessment. Fewer students in each class share the resources, and, in the meantime, each is taken more care of by teachers, who, due to meritocracy （這個(gè)的短語(yǔ)在這里很莫名?。。。?, are more accountable and learned, lifting the teaching efficiency and providing a better environment that is favorable for teenagers’ individuality development. In other words, they have to guarantee the teaching quality to enroll enough students, surviving the society （這里寫得有點(diǎn)混亂，不知道想表達(dá)什么意思?。?.

 

　　Not only do private schools offer children a chance to receive education of a higher standard, but also fuel a rise, on the average, in the level of education. （這種句子多寫點(diǎn)，那么 8 分就跑不掉了，呵呵。。。非常好的句子?。。。?Supposing that rapidly increasing students choose private schools rather than public ones, public schools, although they have annual limited education fund, are compelled to improve their education quality to ensure adequate applicants and escape the bad fortune closing their doors （估計(jì)又是受中文影響，寫出這樣的句子，稍微改改就對(duì)了） ,because of financial difficulties.

 

　　Most visibly, the blooming private schools justify the choice that children go to private ones （這句寫得很變扭，關(guān)鍵是想用 justify 這個(gè)詞后面加句子，所以導(dǎo)致的結(jié)果就是很不順?？梢詫懗桑?… justify the students’ choice ，既簡(jiǎn)潔又明了） . That paves the way for children’s promising future.

 

　　總評(píng)：大家可以看出這篇文章，紅點(diǎn)地方很多 ( 因?yàn)閷懙貌煌?，可以改進(jìn) ) ；藍(lán)的地方也有（因?yàn)閷懙煤芎?，可以學(xué)習(xí)）。

 

　　看下來(lái)的感覺(jué)是，作者的英語(yǔ)水平真的很不錯(cuò)，寫成這樣真的已經(jīng)很少人能做到了！那么有學(xué)生可能會(huì)問(wèn)，寫得不錯(cuò)怎么還那么多不妥的地方？！這就是為什么到現(xiàn)在也沒(méi)見(jiàn)有活人寫作考 9 分！因?yàn)?，總是有這種或那種不妥之處！

 

　　此文 7 分。