雅思大作文點(diǎn)評(píng)：手機(jī)問(wèn)題

　　There are many problems associated with mobile phones today. What are these problems and to what extent do the advantages of mobile phones outweigh the disadvantages?

　　With the development of science and technology, mobile phones grow rapidly, so do problems about using cell phones.

　　結(jié)構(gòu)點(diǎn)評(píng)：第一段寫得也太簡(jiǎn)單了!一般我們都寫到至少 30 詞，穩(wěn)定在 40 詞。此外，第一段應(yīng)該包括兩方面的內(nèi)容： 1 。引題，即根據(jù)題目簡(jiǎn)單介紹相關(guān)背景，為切入主題作鋪墊，但詞數(shù)不能太多; 2 。明確地表達(dá)自己的觀點(diǎn)。

　　語(yǔ)言方面：幸運(yùn)的是，在結(jié)構(gòu)尚有欠缺的基礎(chǔ)上，語(yǔ)言到還沒(méi)什么嚴(yán)重錯(cuò)誤。就是最后用的那個(gè) so 引起的倒裝句來(lái)表達(dá)觀點(diǎn)，總覺(jué)得太簡(jiǎn)單了(整體感覺(jué))。

　　Cell phone courtesy may be one of the most important problems which should be mentioned. People always use mobiles in public places, such as buses, restaurants, libraries, museums, (逗號(hào)不能連接句子和句子!!!) some people talk loudly on mobiles which interfere with people around him, “No cell phones” signs are putting up (這里應(yīng)該用被動(dòng)語(yǔ)態(tài)吧) all over, the device have (低級(jí)的主謂一致錯(cuò)誤!) been banned in many places. Moreover, according to the theory of mobile phones, when it is being used, the radiation mobiles release can influence the surrounding, such as some devices in hospitals, the guide system (這個(gè)表達(dá)個(gè)人比較陌生，是不是可以說(shuō)成 guiding mechanism 呢) of planes, people who use cell phones long time often feel slight headache and hear noises in their ears. To some extend (是 extent ) mobiles change the way of communication between people, now we can tell others something only by our thumb—short messages, so we can say the chance people communicate each other is decreasing( 整個(gè) chinglish ! people have fewer chances of communicating with each other).

　　結(jié)構(gòu)分析：這一段主要論述了 mobile phones 的缺點(diǎn)，論述的內(nèi)容還是比較充實(shí)的，很不錯(cuò)，但是語(yǔ)言方面還是有些錯(cuò)誤。不過(guò)，很明顯，作者對(duì)一般句子的駕馭能力還是有的，長(zhǎng)句方面似乎還有待提高。詞匯方面也沒(méi)什么出彩的地方，不過(guò)大致還能表達(dá)自己的 idea 。

　　In spite of those problems, mobiles have important advantages in transmitting information without the limit of location and time. It provide( 低級(jí)的主謂一致錯(cuò)誤! ) much convenience to people’s life and work , information is transmitted more fluently and more quickly, (應(yīng)該是句號(hào)啦!!!) undoubtedly, it is a necessary tool for people in information age. In front of the advantages of cell phones, its disadvantages are so trial (你是想說(shuō) trivial 吧!!!) that they can be ignored, (改成分號(hào)) furthermore, people are realizing the problems associated with mobiles and are trying to improve these situations.

　　結(jié)構(gòu)分析：這一段論述了 mobile phones 的優(yōu)點(diǎn)，結(jié)構(gòu)也是比較清晰的，但是語(yǔ)言方面和上一段一樣，沒(méi)有太華麗的句子，比較樸實(shí)，略微還有些錯(cuò)誤。

　　I believe with the improvement of people’s opinion (通嗎?!) and technology, the problems can be avoided and mobiles can serve us more advantageously. ( 263words )

　　綜合評(píng)定：6分。這篇文章可以說(shuō)還是比較典型的6分樣卷。整篇文章，結(jié)構(gòu)清晰，考官比較容易把握作者的思路，用詞比較簡(jiǎn)單但能表達(dá)作者的觀點(diǎn)，句型尚可，雖沒(méi)有華麗或復(fù)雜的句子，但是一般的從句還是能夠使用的。