The next day we were playing doubles, and during a break, as we were drinking Mafalda’s lemonades, he put his free arm around me and then gently squeezed his thumb and forefingers into my shoulder in imitation of a friendly hug-massage—the whole thing very chummy-chummy. But I was so spellbound that I wrenched myself free from his touch, because a moment longer and I would have slackened like one of those tiny wooden toys whose gimp-legged body collapses as soon as the mainsprings are touched. Taken aback, he apologized and asked if he had pressed a “nerve or something”—he hadn’t meant to hurt me. He must have felt thoroughly mortified if he suspected he had either hurt me or touched me the wrong way. The last thing I wanted was to discourage him. Still, I blurted something like, “It didn’t hurt,” and would have dropped the matter there. But I sensed that if it wasn’t pain that had prompted such a reaction, what other explanation could account for my shrugging him off so brusquely in front of my friends? So I mimicked the face of someone trying very hard, but failing, to smother a grimace of pain.
 
第二天我們打雙打。某次中場(chǎng)休息，我們正在喝瑪法爾達(dá)準(zhǔn)備的檸檬汁，他伸出一只手臂摟著我，輕輕以拇指和食指掐我的肩膀，做出好意摟著我?guī)臀野茨Φ臉幼樱麄€(gè)過(guò)程非常親密。但由于我是如此神魂顛倒不知所措，反而猛地轉(zhuǎn)身甩開(kāi)他，因?yàn)橹灰俣喑掷m(xù)一秒，我恐怕就要像個(gè)一碰主發(fā)條身子就會(huì)垮掉的木頭玩具一樣癱軟了。他嚇了一跳，向我道歉，問(wèn)我是不是壓到我的“神經(jīng)或什么的”——他不是故意要弄疼我。如果他以為傷害了我或他的觸碰讓我不舒服，他肯定覺(jué)得窘迫至極。讓他卻步是我最不愿意的事，不過(guò)我還是含糊地說(shuō)了句“不痛”之類的話，想就此打住。但我也意識(shí)到，如果激起這種反應(yīng)的不是痛，那還有什么理由解釋我在朋友面前如此粗魯?shù)厮﹂_(kāi)他？我只好裝出拼命忍痛卻徒勞無(wú)功的扭曲表情。
 
It never occurred to me that what had totally panicked me when he touched me was exactly what startles virgins on being touched for the first time by the person they desire: he stirs nerves in them they never knew existed and that produce far, far more disturbing pleasures than they are used to on their own.
 
我從來(lái)沒(méi)想到他的碰觸會(huì)令我如此恐慌，這與處子第一次被心上人觸摸所感受到的驚駭簡(jiǎn)直如出一轍：心上人撩撥了我們體內(nèi)連自己也從未意識(shí)到的敏感神經(jīng)，而那產(chǎn)生了令人不安的巨大快感，遠(yuǎn)遠(yuǎn)超出我們?cè)瓉?lái)所習(xí)慣的范疇。
 
He still seemed surprised by my reaction but gave every sign of believing in, as I of concealing, the pain around my shoulder. It was his way of letting me off the hook and of pretending he wasn’t in the least bit aware of any nuance in my reaction. Knowing, as I later came to learn, how thoroughly trenchant was his ability to sort contradictory signals, I have no doubt that he must have already suspected something. “Here, let me make it better.” He was testing me and proceeded to massage my shoulder. “Relax,” he said in front of the others. “But I am relaxing.” “You’re as stiff as this bench. Feel this,” he said to Marzia, one of the girls closest to us. “It’s all knots.” I felt her hands on my back. “Here,” he ordered, pressing her flattened palm hard against my back. “Feel it? He should relax more,” he said. “You should relax more,” she repeated.
 
他對(duì)我的反應(yīng)似乎仍然感到驚訝，卻作出完全信服我的模樣，就像我作勢(shì)隱藏肩膀的疼痛一般。他以此來(lái)幫我圓場(chǎng)，同時(shí)也假裝絲毫未意識(shí)到我的微妙反應(yīng)。后來(lái)我知道了他是多么精于捕捉和梳理這種自相矛盾的訊息，我相信當(dāng)時(shí)的他必定起了疑心。“來(lái)，我換個(gè)方式。”他試探我，繼續(xù)按摩我的肩膀。“放輕松，”他當(dāng)著其他人的面說(shuō)。“我放松了呀。”“你僵硬得跟這張板凳一樣。摸摸看。”他對(duì)離我們最近的女孩瑪琪雅說(shuō)。“全是硬塊對(duì)吧？”我感覺(jué)到瑪琪雅伸出雙手摸我的背。“這里。”他說(shuō)道，壓著瑪琪雅攤平的手掌用力按我的背。“感覺(jué)到了嗎？他應(yīng)該再放松一點(diǎn)。”于是瑪琪雅也跟著說(shuō)：“你應(yīng)該再放松一點(diǎn)。”

《請(qǐng)以你的名字呼喚我》