雙語讀?。篊all me by ...（一）59:說出來好，還是死好？

The secret was out of my body. So what if he saw. So what if he caught me. So what, so what, so what.
On my way from his room to mine I wondered if I’d ever be mad enough to try the same thing again.
That evening I caught myself keeping careful tabs on where everyone was in the house. The shameful urge was upon me sooner than I’d ever imagined. It would have taken nothing to sneak back upstairs.
 
秘密自我的身軀脫離。就算他看到又怎樣？就算他抓到我又怎樣？怎樣？怎樣？怎樣？
從他房間走回我房間的路上，我懷疑自己會不會瘋狂到再次嘗試相同的事。
那天晚上我發(fā)覺自己小心監(jiān)視著每個人在屋里的位置。羞恥的強(qiáng)烈沖動來得比我想象的還快。我隨時能毫不猶豫地偷偷溜回樓上。
 

 
While reading in my father’s library one evening, I came upon the story of a handsome young knight who is madly in love with a princess. She too is in love with him, though she seems not to be entirely aware of it, and despite the friendship that blossoms between them, or perhaps because of that very friendship, he finds himself so humbled and speechless owing to her forbidding candor that he is totally unable to bring up the subject of his love. One day he asks her point-blank: “Is it better to speak or die?”
I’d never even have the courage to ask such a question.
 
有一天晚上我在父親的書房里讀書，讀到一位年輕英俊的騎士瘋狂地愛上公主的故事。公主也愛他，但似乎并未意識到這一點(diǎn)，所以盡管兩人交情匪淺，或者正因?yàn)樗麄冎g隔著一道友誼的防線，他發(fā)現(xiàn)自己因?yàn)楣髁钊松返奶拱字甭识兊梅浅１拔?、無言以對，完全無法向公主訴說自己的愛意。有一天他直截了當(dāng)問公主：“說出來好，還是死好？”
我絕對連問這種問題的勇氣也沒有。
 
But what I’d spoken into his pillow revealed to me that, at least for a moment, I’d rehearsed the truth, gotten it out into the open, that I had in fact enjoyed speaking it, and if he happened to pass by at the very moment I was muttering things I wouldn’t have dared speak to my own face in the mirror, I wouldn’t have cared, wouldn’t have minded—let him know, let him see, let him pass judgment too if he wants—just don’t tell the world—even if you’re the world for me right now, even if in your eyes stands a horrified, scornful world. That steely look of yours, Oliver, I’d rather die than face it once I’ve told you.
 
但我對他的枕頭說的話讓我發(fā)現(xiàn)，至少有那么一刻，真相曾經(jīng)上演，開誠布公，我已經(jīng)享受過說出來的快感。即便我低聲嘟嚷那些我甚至不敢對著鏡中的自己說的話，如果那時他碰巧經(jīng)過，我也不在乎，不介意了。讓他知道吧，讓他看見吧，如果他想要的話，也讓他判決吧。只要不公之于世就好。即使現(xiàn)在你就是我的世界，即使你眼中立著一個震驚、鄙夷的世界。奧利弗，一旦我告訴你，我寧可死也不愿面對你那鋼鐵般冷酷的眼神。