Itwas a lovely day at the park and Stella Bianchi was enjoying the sunshine withher two children when a young boy, aged about four, approached her two-year-oldson and pushed him to the ground.
“I'dwatched him for a little while and my son was the fourth or fifth child he'dshoved,” she says.“I went over to them, picked up my son, turned to the boy andsaid, firmly, ‘No, we don't push.’” What happened next was unexpected.
“Theboy's mother ran toward me from across the park,” Stella says.“I thought shewas coming over to apologise, but instead she started shouting at me for‘disciplining her child'. All I did was let him know his behavior wasunacceptable. Was I supposed to sit back while her kid did whatever he wanted,hurting other children in the process?”
Gettingyour own children to play nice is difficult enough. Dealing with other people'schildren has become a minefield.
Inmy house, jumping on the sofa is not allowed. In my sister's house it'sencouraged. For her, it's about kids being kids: “If you can't do it at three,when can you do it?”
Eachof these philosophies is valid and, it has to be said, my son loves visitinghis aunt's house. But I find myself saying “no” a lot when her kids are over atmine. That's OK between sisters but becomes dangerous territory when you'retalking to the children of friends or acquaintances.
“Kidsaren't all raised the same,” agrees Professor Naomi White of MonashUniversity.“ But there's still an idea that they're the property of the parents.We see our children as an extension of ourselves, so if you're saying that mychild is behaving inappropriately, then that's somehow a criticism of me.”
Inthose circumstances, it's difficult to know whether to approach the childdirectly or the parent first. There are two schools of thought.
“I'dgo to the child first,”says Andrew Fuller, author ofTricky Kids. “Usually a quiet reminder that ‘we don't do that here' is enough. Kids have finely tuned antennae (直覺) for how to behave in different settings.”
Hepoints out that bringing it up with the parent first may make them feelneglectful, which could cause problems. Of course, approaching the child firstcan bring its own headaches, too.
Thisis why White recommends that you approach the parents first. “Raise yourconcerns with the parents if they're there and ask them to deal with it,” shesays.
Askedhow to approach a parent in this situation, psychologist Meredith Fulleranswers:“Explain your needs as well as stressing the importance of thefriendship. Preface your remarks with something like: ‘I know you'll think I'msilly but in my house I don't want...'”
Whenit comes to situations where you're caring for another child, White isstraightforward: “Common sense must prevail. If things don't go well, then havea chat.”
There'rea couple of new grey areas. Physical punishment, once accepted from any adult,is no longer appropriate. “Now you can't do it without feeling uneasy aboutit,” White says.
Menmight also feel uneasy about dealing with other people's children. “Men feelnervous,” White says. “A new set of considerations has come to the fore as partof the debate about how we handle children.”
ForAndrew Fuller, the child-centric nature of our society has affectedeveryone.“The rules are different now from when today's parents were growingup,” he says, “Adults are scared of saying, ‘Don't swear', or asking a child tostand up on a bus. They're worried that there will be conflict if they pointthese things out—either from older children, or their parents.”
Hesees it as a loss of the sense of common public good and public courtesy (禮貌), and says that adultssuffer form it as much as children.
MeredithFuller agrees.“A code of conduct is hard to create when you're living in aworld in which everyone is exhausted from overwork and lack of sleep, and aworld in which nice people are perceived to finish last.”
“It'sabout what I'm doing and what I need,” Andrew Fuller says. “The days when a kidcame home from school and said, ‘I got into trouble', and dad said, ‘youprobably deserved it', are over. Now the parents are charging up to the schoolto have a go at teachers.”
Thisjumping to our children's defense is part of what fuels the “walking on eggshells”feeling that surrounds our dealings with other people's children.You know that if you remonstrate (勸誡) with the child,you're going to have to deal with the parent. It's admirable to be protectiveof our kids, but is it good?
“Childrenhave to learn to negotiate the world on their own, within reasonableboundaries,” White says. “I suspect that it's only certain sectors of thepopulation doing the running to the school—better-educated parents are probablymore likely to be too involved.”
Whitebelieves our notions of a more child-centred society should be challenged.“Today we have a situation where, in many families, both parents work, so theamount of time children get from parents has diminished,” she says.
“Also,sometimes when we talk about being child-centred, it's a way of talking abouttreating our children like commodities (商品). We'recentred on them but in ways that reflect positively on us. We treat them asobjects whose appearance and achievements are something we can be proud of,rather than serve the best interests of the children.”
Oneway over-worked, under-resourced parents show commitment to their children isto leap to their defence. Back at the park, Bianchi's intervention (干預) on her son's behalfended in an undignified exchange of insulting words with the other boy'smother.
AsBianchi approached the park bench where she'd been sitting, other mums came upto her and congratulated her on taking a stand. “Apparently the boy had alongstanding reputation for bad behaviour and his mum for even worse behaviourif he was challenged.”
AndrewFuller doesn't believe that we should be afraid of dealing with other people'skids. “Look at kids that aren't your own as a potential minefield,” he says. Herecommends that we don't stay silent over inappropriate behaviour, particularlywith regular visitors.
