話說(shuō)，聊天時(shí)，你會(huì)說(shuō)些什么？

When my relationship unraveled nearly two years ago, I decided to suspend my career as an actuary in Boston and take a long vacation in Costa Rica, where I planned to learn how to surf and do yoga. Yes, it was the most clichéd response possible for a heartbroken 32-year-old Westerner like me.

兩年前，一段感情結(jié)束后，我決定暫停自己在波士頓的精算師職業(yè)生涯，到哥斯達(dá)黎加休個(gè)長(zhǎng)假，在那里學(xué)沖浪、練瑜伽。沒(méi)錯(cuò)，對(duì)于像我這樣的一個(gè)處在心碎之中的32歲西方人來(lái)說(shuō)，這是最為俗套的一種應(yīng)對(duì)方法。

After four weeks there, I was traveling by car with several friends I had met at surf school when we came upon a red-faced, middle-aged woman hitchhiking on the outskirts of a small village. Our radio was broken and we were bored, so one woman in our group, Abby, said: “We’ll offer you a ride on two conditions. First, you must sing us a song, and then you have to tell us a story. Do you accept?”

到那四周以后，在和幾個(gè)沖浪學(xué)校認(rèn)識(shí)的朋友乘車旅行的途中，我們偶然認(rèn)識(shí)了一個(gè)臉頰緋紅的中年女子，她剛徒步走到一個(gè)小村莊外。我們的收音機(jī)壞了，有點(diǎn)無(wú)聊，所以我們中一個(gè)叫阿比的女人說(shuō)：“如果你答應(yīng)兩個(gè)條件，我們就載你一程。一個(gè)是給我們唱首歌，然后給我們講個(gè)故事。你同意嗎?

The hitchhiker, an American, responded with a crooked smile and a nod, freeing her hair from behind a Disney visor. “What would you like me to sing?” she asked.

這個(gè)徒步者是個(gè)美國(guó)人，她狡黠一笑，點(diǎn)點(diǎn)頭，摘掉頭上的迪士尼遮陽(yáng)帽。“你們想讓我唱什么歌?”她問(wèn)。

“Anything you like,” I told her, “as long as it’s by Rod Stewart.”

“隨你喜歡，”我告訴她，“只要是羅德·斯圖爾特(Rod Stewart)的就行。”

One rendition of “Maggie May” later, her story began.

演繹了一首《瑪吉·梅》(Maggie May)之后，她開(kāi)始講故事。

“It’s interesting you ask me to tell you a story,” she said, “because I’m living in the middle of a love story right now. I came to Costa Rica one year ago and met the man of my dreams. He was selling jewelry at a stand in the market. He’s Italian, and as soon as I spoke to him I felt something I hadn’t felt in my whole life. It overtook me. Love like in the movies, but this was real.”

“挺有意思的，你說(shuō)讓我講個(gè)故事，”她說(shuō)，“我現(xiàn)在碰巧在談一場(chǎng)戀愛(ài)。一年前，我來(lái)到哥斯達(dá)黎加，遇到了我理想中的愛(ài)人。當(dāng)時(shí)他正在市場(chǎng)里的一個(gè)攤位上賣珠寶。他是意大利人，和他說(shuō)話的一剎那，我有種這輩子都沒(méi)有過(guò)的感覺(jué)。這種感覺(jué)傳遍全身。聽(tīng)起來(lái)好像是電影里的愛(ài)情，但這是真的。”

This was promising.

這讓人覺(jué)得人生充滿希望。

“So you’re here to see him?” one of my companions asked.

“所以你是來(lái)這里見(jiàn)他?”其中一位同伴問(wèn)道。

“Yes, absolutely, dear. I’m heading into town now to see him for the first time in 12 months.”

“是啊，當(dāng)然啦，親愛(ài)的。我現(xiàn)在正要進(jìn)城去看他，我已經(jīng)12個(gè)月沒(méi)見(jiàn)到他了。”

We broke into huge grins; we too were now characters in her story, deliverers of love from a dusty roadside to the man of her dreams.

我們都綻放出笑容;我們現(xiàn)在也是她故事中的角色了，要從一條塵土飛揚(yáng)的路上把愛(ài)送到她的夢(mèng)中愛(ài)人那里。

“Does he feel the same way?” Abby asked.

“他也是同樣的感覺(jué)嗎?”阿比問(wèn)。

“Yes, he emails me every day to tell me so.”

“對(duì)，他每天都跟我發(fā)郵件這么講。”

I turned to her. “Are you excited to see him?”

我轉(zhuǎn)過(guò)身問(wèn)她。“去見(jiàn)他你激動(dòng)嗎?”

“I haven’t thought about anything else for an entire year.”

“我一整年都在想這一件事。”

“So you came all this way alone to see him?” I asked.

“所以你大老遠(yuǎn)自己來(lái)看他?”我問(wèn)。

“Well, I had to, didn’t I? It was breaking my heart to be away from him.” She paused for a breath. “Although my husband came too; he’s back at the house.”

“呃，我沒(méi)得選，不是嗎?見(jiàn)不到他，我的心都要碎了。”她喘了口氣。“不過(guò)我丈夫也來(lái)了;他現(xiàn)在待在我們的住處。”

Our hands shot up with questions.

我們開(kāi)始搶著問(wèn)她怎么回事。

After my trip, I was eating steak at a Boston bar, still mourning that the woman I thought I would marry, Alejandra, had broken up with me. I’d met her five years earlier, and she was, in every way imaginable, an inspiration to me. She was the woman who taught me about love.

旅行結(jié)束后，有一天我在波士頓的一家酒吧吃牛排，還在懷念我原以為會(huì)跟我結(jié)婚結(jié)果卻分了手的女人亞歷杭德拉(Alejandra)。那時(shí)候我們已經(jīng)認(rèn)識(shí)五年了，在你能想象到的各個(gè)方面，她都能給我?guī)?lái)啟發(fā)。是她教會(huì)了我如何去愛(ài)。

Next to me at the bar was a couple on their first date. I could tell because their conversation reminded me of those awkward exchanges you have with co-workers’ spouses at Christmas parties. They opened with a discussion about their commutes to the bar. They both lived within a 10-minute bus ride, and they managed to stretch out this topic for 30 minutes.

鄰桌是一對(duì)初次約會(huì)的情侶。我能看出來(lái)，是因?yàn)樗麄兊恼勗捵屛蚁肫鹆嗽谑フQ節(jié)派對(duì)與同事的配偶之間的那種尷尬對(duì)話。他們先說(shuō)起自己如何乘車來(lái)的酒吧。盡管二人的住處離酒吧都只有10分鐘的車程，但他們活活把這個(gè)話題講了30分鐘。

Next up, the weather: In Boston it rains sometimes, and they had both noticed this. An hour in, they turned to the really deep stuff. One was a teacher, and the other knew a teacher. How could they be destined for anything other than true love?

接下來(lái)就是談天氣：波士頓有時(shí)會(huì)下雨，他們之前都注意到了這點(diǎn)。一小時(shí)過(guò)去，他們才開(kāi)始講到真正深入的內(nèi)容。他們一個(gè)是教師，另一個(gè)認(rèn)識(shí)一位教師。他們這不是天生一對(duì)是什么?

O.K., so I may have been directing some of my brokenhearted anger at them, but all I could think was that I wanted no part of this game. If being single meant having to partake in this kind of conversation, I’d rather pass. How could I go from the deep connection I had with Alejandra to discussing bus schedules and weather patterns?

好吧，我可能一直在把自己的一些悲痛欲絕的憤怒轉(zhuǎn)移到他們身上，但我只有一個(gè)念頭，我一點(diǎn)也不想?yún)⑴c這種游戲。如果單身就意味著必須參與這種談話，我可不要。有過(guò)和亞歷杭德拉那種深入的談話，我怎么還能在約會(huì)的時(shí)候這么談?wù)摮塑囉?jì)劃和天氣模式?

I thought back to a dusty roadside in Costa Rica and the woman who shared her heart with four strangers. Why couldn’t we all embrace her openness? Why did being with a stranger so often mean we couldn’t immediately talk about meaningful things?

我又想起在哥斯達(dá)黎加灰撲撲的路邊認(rèn)識(shí)的那位和四個(gè)陌生人分享內(nèi)心感受的女人。為什么我們不能都像她那樣坦誠(chéng)?為什么面對(duì)陌生人我們就不能馬上談?wù)撚幸饬x的話題?

With this in mind, I decided to approach my re-entry to dating with a no-small-talk policy. Not that I would insist we talk only about heartfelt subjects; ideally, there would also be plenty of flirtatious joking and witty banter. I simply wanted to eliminate the dull droning on about facts and figures — whether it’s snowing or raining, how cold it is, what we do for work, how long it takes to get to work, where we went to school — all those things that we think we have to talk about with someone new but that tell us little about who the person really is.

想到這里，我決定依照不寒暄的原則重新開(kāi)始約會(huì)。并不是說(shuō)我要堅(jiān)持只談掏心窩的話題;理想情況下，可能也會(huì)有不少調(diào)情的玩笑話和打趣的機(jī)靈話。我只是想去掉有關(guān)事實(shí)和數(shù)字的無(wú)聊的長(zhǎng)篇大論——是下雪還是下雨，天有多冷，做什么工作，去上班要花多長(zhǎng)時(shí)間，在哪上的學(xué)——這些都是我們覺(jué)得跟新認(rèn)識(shí)的人必須談的東西，但你從這些談話中幾乎沒(méi)法知道這到底是個(gè)什么樣的人。

Why can’t we replace small talk with big talk and ask each other profound questions right from the start? Replace mindless chatter about commuting times with a conversation about our weightiest beliefs and most potent fears? Questions that reveal who we are and where we want to go?

我們?yōu)槭裁床荒苌岬暨@些閑扯，講些重要的事，從一開(kāi)始就問(wèn)彼此一些深刻的話題?不單調(diào)無(wú)聊地談?wù)撏ㄇ跁r(shí)間，而是談彼此最重要的信仰和最深的憂慮?談?wù)撃切┠荏w現(xiàn)出我們到底是什么樣的人，以及想要往哪里去的話題?

Admittedly, there were some issues with this policy, as my friends were more than happy to point out. They argued that some are not comfortable jumping directly into big talk, reasoning that certain people find small talk relaxing.

無(wú)可否認(rèn)，這項(xiàng)原則存在一些問(wèn)題，就像我的朋友們很樂(lè)于指出的那樣。他們認(rèn)為，一上來(lái)就談?wù)摯笤掝}，有些人會(huì)不舒服，也有些人會(huì)覺(jué)得談?wù)撃穷愋≡掝}讓他們比較放松。

This is undoubtedly true. But another friend countered: “If she isn’t comfortable with it, then she probably isn’t right for you anyway. Your plan is a great way to filter.”

這當(dāng)然也是實(shí)情。但還有一位朋友反駁：“如果她對(duì)談?wù)摯笤掝}感到不舒服，那她可能就不是你要找的人。這是你過(guò)濾不合適人選的好辦法。”

This friend operates his own bizarre filtering system by bringing women coconuts on first dates, claiming that any woman who doesn’t accept the coconut isn’t marriage material. Why? I have no idea. Even so, I accepted his opinion for what it was.

這位朋友有他自己比較古怪的過(guò)濾方式，就是在第一次約會(huì)的時(shí)候給女伴帶椰子，如果哪個(gè)女人不接受他的椰子，就不是合適的結(jié)婚對(duì)象。為什么?我不知道。即便如此，我還是接受了他這種觀點(diǎn)。

Another common complaint: You can’t ask big questions until you know the answers to the small ones; you need facts to know where to dig deeper. I’d argue, however, that you can elevate any question from small talk to big talk with a little tweaking.

另一種常見(jiàn)的抱怨是：在知道那些小問(wèn)題的答案之前，你沒(méi)法問(wèn)大問(wèn)題;你需要知道基本情況才能談更深入的問(wèn)題。但是我會(huì)說(shuō)，稍微用一點(diǎn)技巧，任何從小話題開(kāi)始的問(wèn)題都能轉(zhuǎn)換成大問(wèn)題。