《渺小一生》:“我想問你一個問題?！?/h1>

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2020年03月14日

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　 “See! See, see?!” That would be Malcolm, jumping up and down and pointing at JB, while Willem laughed. On weed, Malcolm grew both sillier and more pedantic, and the three of them liked getting into silly and pedantic philosophical arguments with him, the contents of which Malcolm could never recall in the morning.

“看吧！看吧，看吧！”那應該是馬爾科姆，跳起來指著杰比，同時威廉大笑。一抽了大麻，馬爾科姆就會變得更傻氣，也更像書呆子。這時，三個人就很喜歡爭辯一些傻氣且和書呆子有關的哲學話題，到了明天早上，馬爾科姆什么都不會記得。

　 Then there was an interlude of Willem and JB talking about something—he was too sleepy to really listen, just awake enough to distinguish their voices—and then JB’s voice, ringing through his fug: “Jude!”

接下來，威廉和杰比聊了一下。他太困了，沒真正聽進去，只是半醒著，聽得出是他們的聲音，然后杰比的聲音在悶熱的空氣中傳來：“裘德！”

　 “What?” he answered, his eyes still closed.

“什么事？”他應了一聲，眼睛還是沒張開。

　 “I want to ask you a question.”

“我想問你一個問題。”

　 He could instantly feel something inside him come alert. When high, JB had the uncanny ability to ask questions or make observations that both devastated and discomfited. He didn’t think there was any malice behind it, but it made you wonder what went on in JB’s subconscious. Was this the real JB, the one who had asked their hallmate, Tricia Park, what it was like growing up as the ugly twin (poor Tricia had gotten up and run out of the room), or was it the one who, after JB had witnessed him in the grip of a terrible episode, one in which he could feel himself falling in and out of consciousness, the sensation as sickening as tumbling off a roller coaster in mid-incline, had snuck out that night with his stoner boyfriend and returned just before daybreak with a bundle of bud-furred magnolia branches, sawn off illegally from the quadrangle’s trees?

他本能地感到心底有個什么警覺起來。每次杰比抽多了大麻，就會產(chǎn)生一種不可思議的能力，問出或說出一些讓人震驚又尷尬的話。他不認為這些話的背后有任何惡意，只不過會讓你很想知道杰比的潛意識里到底藏了什么。有回他跑去問同宿舍的特里西婭·帕克，從小身為雙胞胎里面比較丑的是什么樣的滋味（可憐的特里西婭，聽了就站起來跑出房間），這個是真正的杰比嗎？或者有一回，看到他一次嚴重的疼痛發(fā)作之后（那回他可以感覺到自己斷斷續(xù)續(xù)地失去意識，整個人反胃得像從云霄飛車回旋的半途被甩下來一樣），當天夜里杰比和他男朋友溜出去，在天亮前帶著一把偷偷從宿舍外頭方院的樹上鋸下來、蓓蕾還是毛茸茸的木蘭樹枝回來給他，這個才是真正的杰比？

　 “What?” he asked again, warily.

“什么？”他又問，小心翼翼。

　 “Well,” said JB, pausing and taking another inhalation, “we’ve all known each other a while now—”

“噢，”杰比說，又停下來吸了口大麻，“到現(xiàn)在，我們也認識好一段時間了……”

　 “We have?” Willem asked in fake surprise.

“是嗎？”威廉假裝很驚訝地問。

　 “Shut up, Willem,” JB continued. “And all of us want to know why you’ve never told us what happened to your legs.”

“閉嘴，威廉?！苯鼙壤^續(xù)說，“我們都很想知道，為什么你從不說你的腿是出了什么事?！?

　 “Oh, JB, we do not—” Willem began, but Malcolm, who had the habit of vociferously taking JB’s side when stoned, interrupted him: “It really hurts our feelings, Jude. Do you not trust us?”

“啊，杰比，我們不……”威廉說，但是被馬爾科姆（他總是一抽大麻就跟著杰比瞎起哄）打斷，“裘德，這真的讓我們很傷心。你難道不信任我們？”

　 “Jesus, Malcolm,” Willem said, and then, mimicking Malcolm in a shrieky falsetto, “ ‘It really hurts our feelings.’ You sound like a girl. It’s Jude’s business.”

“天啊，馬爾科姆?！蓖f，然后尖著嗓子模仿馬爾科姆，“‘這真的讓我們很傷心’，你聽起來活像個娘兒們。拜托，這不關我們的事?！?

　 And this was worse, somehow, having to have Willem, always Willem, defend him. Against Malcolm and JB! At that moment, he hated all of them, but of course he was in no position to hate them. They were his friends, his first friends, and he understood that friendship was a series of exchanges: of affections, of time, sometimes of money, always of information. And he had no money. He had nothing to give them, he had nothing to offer. He couldn’t loan Willem a sweater, the way Willem let him borrow his, or repay Malcolm the hundred dollars he’d pressed upon him once, or even help JB on move-out day, as JB helped him.

但這樣不知怎的更糟，每次總是要威廉出來保護他，對抗馬爾科姆和杰比！那一刻，他恨他們?nèi)齻€。當然，他這樣沒道理。他們是他的朋友，他有生以來第一批朋友，而他了解友誼就是一連串的交換：交換關愛，交換時間，有時還會交換錢，而且總是要交換信息。他沒有錢。他沒有東西可以給他們，沒有什么可以回報。他沒有毛衣可以借給威廉，就像威廉總是借他那樣；他也沒辦法把馬爾科姆有回硬塞給他的一百元還給他；甚至在暑假前搬出宿舍時，他也沒有辦法幫杰比搬，就像杰比總是幫他那樣。

　 “Well,” he began, and was aware of all of their perked silences, even Willem’s. “It’s not very interesting.” He kept his eyes closed, both because it made it easier to tell the story when he didn’t have to look at them, and also because he simply didn’t think he could stand it at the moment. “It was a car injury. I was fifteen. It was the year before I came here.”

“哦，”他開口了，感覺到他們?nèi)齻€都刻意安靜下來，連威廉也不例外，“其實不是很有趣?！彼劬θ蚤]著，一方面，不看他們會比較容易說出這件事；另一方面，他不認為那一刻自己有辦法看他們，“那是車禍受傷。我當時15歲，就是來這里上大學的前一年。”

　 “Oh,” said JB. There was a pause; he could feel something in the room deflate, could feel how his revelation had shifted the others back into a sort of somber sobriety. “I’m sorry, bro. That sucks.”

“啊?！苯鼙日f。大家沉默了一下，他可以感覺到整個房間像是泄了氣一般，可以感覺到，他坦白了這件事之后，其他人又回到了某種黯淡的清醒之中?！拔液苓z憾。太糟了?！?

　 “You could walk before?” asked Malcolm, as if he could not walk now. And this made him sad and embarrassed: what he considered walking, they apparently did not.

“你之前能走路？”馬爾科姆問，好像他現(xiàn)在不能走似的。這讓他覺得悲哀又難堪：他以為自己是在走路，但他們顯然不這么認為。

　 “Yes,” he said, and then, because it was true, even if not the way they’d interpret it, he added, “I used to run cross-country.”

“是啊?！彼f，然后補充，“我以前經(jīng)常去越野賽跑的。”因為這是實話，即使他們的理解不同[3]。

　 “Oh, wow,” said Malcolm. JB made a sympathetic grunting noise.

“喔，哇?！瘪R爾科姆說，杰比則發(fā)出同情的咕噥聲。

　 Only Willem, he noticed, said nothing. But he didn’t dare open his eyes to look at his expression.

他注意到，只有威廉什么都沒說。但他不敢睜開眼睛看他的表情。

　 Eventually the word got out, as he knew it would. (Perhaps people really did wonder about his legs. Tricia Park later came up to him and told him she’d always assumed he had cerebral palsy. What was he supposed to say to that?) Somehow, though, over the tellings and retellings, the explanation was changed to a car accident, and then to a drunken driving accident.

最后一如他的預料，那些話傳開來了（或許人們對他的腿真的很好奇。特里西婭·帕克之后還跑來找他，說她一直以為他是腦性麻痹。他聽了真不知道該說什么）。但總之，透過種種轉(zhuǎn)述和再轉(zhuǎn)述，他的解釋變成了車禍意外，然后演變成醉酒駕駛的意外。

　 “The easiest explanations are often the right ones,” his math professor, Dr. Li, always said, and maybe the same principle applied here. Except he knew it didn’t. Math was one thing. Nothing else was that reductive.

“最簡單的解釋往往是正確的?！彼臄?shù)學教授李博士總是這么說，或許同樣的準則在這里也適用。只不過他知道不是。數(shù)學是這么一回事，但其他的事情都沒辦法這么簡化。