《渺小一生》:隨著每一天過去，他就更信任哈羅德一點

　 Everyone laughed, and he did, too. He had been asked that question often (by Dr. Li, despairingly; by his master’s adviser, Dr. Kashen, perplexedly), and he always changed the answer to suit the audience, for the real answer—that he wanted to have the means to protect himself; that he wanted to make sure no one could ever reach him again—seemed too selfish and shallow and tiny a reason to say aloud (and would invite a slew of subsequent questions anyway). Besides, he knew enough now to know that the law was a flimsy form of protection: if he really wanted to be safe, he should have become a marksman squinting through an eyepiece, or a chemist in a lab with his pipettes and poisons.

大家都笑了起來，他也笑了。他常常被問到這個問題（李博士是絕望地問，他的碩士指導教授卡申博士則是困惑地問），而他總是會視談話對象而改變答案，因為真正的答案——他想找到保護自己的手段，他想確保再也沒有人可以找到他——似乎太自私、膚淺又瑣碎，這種理由實在說不出口（而且會引起一大堆后續(xù)的追問）。此外，他現(xiàn)在已經(jīng)懂得夠多，知道法律的保護很脆弱：如果他真的想安全，他就該成為一個擅長狙擊的神槍手，或是成為化學家，在實驗室里面研究毒藥。

　 That night, though, he said, “But law isn’t so unlike pure math, really—I mean, it too in theory can offer an answer to every question, can’t it? Laws of anything are meant to be pressed against, and stretched, and if they can’t provide solutions to every matter they claim to cover, then they aren’t really laws at all, are they?” He stopped to consider what he’d just said. “I suppose the difference is that in law, there are many paths to many answers, and in math, there are many paths to a single answer. And also, I guess, that law isn’t actually about the truth: it’s about governance. But math doesn’t have to be convenient, or practical, or managerial—it only has to be true.

不過那一晚，他說：“法學跟純數(shù)學其實沒有那么不同。我的意思是，理論上，法律可以為任何問題提供答案，不是嗎？任何法律都經(jīng)得起考驗、可以適應各種情況。如果這些法律不能為自己涵蓋范圍內(nèi)的所有事項提供解答，那就根本不算法律了，不是嗎？”他停下來思索自己剛剛講的，“我想，兩者的差異是，法學里，有很多路徑通向很多解答；而數(shù)學里，有很多路徑通向同一個解答。同時，我猜想，法律的重點其實不在于真或假，而在于能否用于治理。但數(shù)學不必方便或?qū)嵱?，或可以管理，?shù)學只需要為真。

　 “But I suppose the other way in which they’re alike is that in mathematics, as well as in law, what matters more—or, more accurately, what’s more memorable—is not that the case, or proof, is won or solved, but the beauty, the economy, with which it’s done.”

“但我想兩者很像的另一點就是，數(shù)學跟法律一樣，更重要的——更精確地說，是更讓人難忘的——不是贏得一個案子，或證明一個定理，而是你的方式有多漂亮、簡潔。”

　 “What do you mean?” asked Harold.

“什么意思？”哈羅德問。

　 “Well,” he said, “in law, we talk about a beautiful summation, or a beautiful judgment: and what we mean by that, of course, is the loveliness of not only its logic but its expression. And similarly, in math, when we talk about a beautiful proof, what we’re recognizing is the simplicity of the proof, its … elementalness, I suppose: its inevitability.”

“嗯，”他說，“在法律里，我們會談到一個漂亮的法庭辯論總結(jié)，或是一個漂亮的判決，我們指的當然不光是其中的邏輯性，也是措辭表達的方式。同樣，在數(shù)學中，我們談到一個漂亮的證明法，我們欣賞的是其中的簡單，那種基本的，也許是不可避免的必然性。”

　 “What about something like Fermat’s last theorem?” asked Julia.

“那么費馬最后定理呢？”朱麗婭問。

　 “That’s a perfect example of a non-beautiful proof. Because while it was important that it was solved, it was, for a lot of people—like my adviser—a disappointment. The proof went on for hundreds of pages, and drew from so many disparate fields of mathematics, and was so—tortured, jigsawed, really, in its execution, that there are still many people at work trying to prove it in more elegant terms, even though it’s already been proven. A beautiful proof is succinct, like a beautiful ruling. It combines just a handful of different concepts, albeit from across the mathematical universe, and in a relatively brief series of steps, leads to a grand and new generalized truth in mathematics: that is, a wholly provable, unshakable absolute in a constructed world with very few unshakable absolutes.” He stopped to take a breath, aware, suddenly, that he had been talking and talking, and that the others were silent, watching him. He could feel himself flushing, could feel the old hatred fill him like dirtied water once more. “I’m sorry,” he apologized. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to ramble on.”

“那是不漂亮證明的絕佳例子。證明出這個定理固然很重要，但是這個證明卻讓很多人失望了，比如我的指導教授。那個證明長達幾百頁，涉及了數(shù)學中許多迥然不同的領(lǐng)域，而且整個證明的方法太折磨人，簡直是曲折。所以，雖然這個定理已經(jīng)被證明了，但還是有很多人在努力，想用更簡練的方式證明出來。一個漂亮的證明就像一個漂亮的裁決，是簡潔明白的，只用上四五個跨越數(shù)學各領(lǐng)域的不同概念，而且用相對簡短的步驟，就可以推導出數(shù)學里一個重大而具有普遍性的新定理，它完全可被證明、絕對無法被動搖。而在數(shù)學建構(gòu)的世界里，很少有不可動搖的絕對真理。”他停下來喘口氣，忽然意識到自己一直講個不停，其他人都默默地看著他。他可以感覺到自己臉紅起來，感覺到那古老的憎恨再度像臟水般淹沒他。“對不起。”他道歉，“真對不起。我不是故意這樣講個不停的。”

　 “Are you joking?” said Laurence. “Jude, I think that was the first truly revelatory conversation I’ve had in Harold’s house in probably the last decade or more: thank you.”

“你在開玩笑吧？”勞倫斯說，“裘德，我想這大概是我在哈羅德家十年來第一次真正有啟發(fā)性的談話了。謝謝你。”

　 Everyone laughed again, and Harold leaned back in his chair, looking pleased. “See?” he caught Harold mouthing across the table to Laurence, and Laurence nodding, and he understood that this was meant about him, and was flattered despite himself, and shy as well. Had Harold talked about him to his friend? Had this been a test for him, a test he hadn’t known he was to take? He was relieved he had passed it, and that he hadn’t embarrassed Harold, and relieved too that, as uncomfortable as it sometimes made him, he might have fully earned his place in Harold’s house, and might be invited back again.

大家又笑了起來，哈羅德往后靠坐在椅子上，看起來很快樂。“看到?jīng)]？”他不小心看到哈羅德的嘴型，他正無聲地對著桌子對面的勞倫斯說話，而勞倫斯點點頭。他明白這是在說他，心底忍不住得意起來，同時又覺得害羞。哈羅德跟他的朋友們談過他嗎？眼前這是在測試他，但他根本不知道自己在受測？他很慶幸自己過關(guān)了，沒有給哈羅德丟臉。同時讓他慶幸的是，盡管有時他會覺得不自在，他可能終于在哈羅德家贏得一席之地了，他可能會再度受邀。

　 With each day he trusted Harold a little more, and at times he wondered if he was making the same mistake again. Was it better to trust or better to be wary? Could you have a real friendship if some part of you was always expecting betrayal? He felt sometimes as if he was taking advantage of Harold’s generosity, his jolly faith in him, and sometimes as if his circumspection was the wise choice after all, for if it should end badly, he’d have only himself to blame. But it was difficult to not trust Harold: Harold made it difficult, and, just as important, he was making it difficult for himself—he wanted to trust Harold, he wanted to give in, he wanted the creature inside him to tuck itself into a sleep from which it would never wake.

隨著每一天過去，他就更信任哈羅德一點，但偶爾又想著自己是否在犯同樣的錯誤。去信任別人比較好，還是謹慎一點比較好？如果你心底有一部分總是在等著對方背叛，這樣能建立真正的友誼嗎？有時他覺得自己好像在利用哈羅德的慷慨，利用他對自己樂觀的信心；但有時候，他又覺得謹慎是明智的選擇，因為萬一最后結(jié)束得很難看，他也只能怪自己。但要他不信任哈羅德真的好難，被哈羅德搞得很難，而且同樣重要的是，也被他自己搞得很難。他想要信任哈羅德，他想要屈服，他想要他心底的那個活物乖乖去睡覺，再也不要醒來。

　 Late one night in his second year of law school he was at Harold’s, and when they opened the door, the steps, the street, the trees were hushed with snow, and the flakes cycloned toward the door, so fast that they both took a step backward.

法學院第二年的某一晚，他在哈羅德家待到很晚，最后打開門要離開時，臺階、街道、樹木全都被白雪掩蓋，雪花打著旋撲向門，風大得讓他們兩人都后退一步。

　 “I’ll call a cab,” he said, so Harold wouldn’t have to drive him.

“我打電話叫出租車。”他說，免得哈羅德還要開車送他回家。

　 “No, you won’t,” Harold said. “You’ll stay here.”

“不，不行。”哈羅德說，“你今晚就住在這里。”

　 And so he stayed in Harold and Julia’s spare bedroom on the second floor, separated from their room by a large windowed space they used as a library, and a brief hallway. “Here’s a T-shirt,” Harold said, lobbing something gray and soft at him, “and here’s a toothbrush.” He placed it on the bookcase. “There’s extra towels in the bathroom. Do you want anything else? Water?”

于是，他在哈羅德和朱麗婭家二樓的客房過夜。那個房間和主臥室之間隔著有窗子的大書房，還有一條短廊。“這是T恤。”哈羅德說，把一團灰色的柔軟物件朝他拋過來，“這是牙刷。”他放在書架上，“浴室里有備用的毛巾。你還需要什么嗎？水？”

　 “No,” he said. “Harold, thank you.”

“不用了。”他說，“哈羅德，謝謝你。”

　 “Of course, Jude. Good night.”

“別這么說，裘德。晚安了。”

　 “Good night.”

“晚安。”

　 He stayed awake for a while, the feather comforter wadded around him, the mattress plush beneath him, watching the window turn white, and listening to water glugging from the faucets, and Harold and Julia’s low, indistinguishable murmurs at each other, and one or the other of them padding from one place to another, and then, finally, nothing. In those minutes, he pretended that they were his parents, and he was home for the weekend from law school to visit them, and this was his room, and the next day he would get up and do whatever it was that grown children did with their parents.

他好一會兒都睡不著，蓋著羽絨被，睡在柔軟的床墊上，看著窗子被雪染成白色，聽著水龍頭咕嘟咕嘟的流水聲，哈羅德和朱麗婭交談的模糊低語，還有其中一人躡手躡腳走路的聲音，然后，終于，什么都聽不到了。在那些時刻，他假裝他們是他的父母，而他周末從法學院回家來探望他們。這是他的房間，次日他會起床，做一些成年子女會陪父母做的事情。

　 The summer after that second year, Harold invited him to their house in Truro, on Cape Cod. “You’ll love it,” he said. “Invite your friends. They’ll love it, too.” And so on the Thursday before Labor Day, once his and Malcolm’s internships had ended, they all drove up to the house from New York, and for that long weekend, Harold’s attention shifted to JB and Malcolm and Willem. He watched them too, admiring how they could answer every one of Harold’s parries, how generous they were with their own lives, how they could tell stories about themselves that they laughed at and that made Harold and Julia laugh as well, how comfortable they were around Harold and how comfortable Harold was around them. He experienced the singular pleasure of watching people he loved fall in love with other people he loved. The house had a private walk down to a private spit of beach, and in the mornings the four of them would troop downhill and swim—even he did, in his pants and undershirt and an old oxford shirt, which no one bothered him about—and then lie on the sand baking, the wet clothes ungluing themselves from his body as they dried. Sometimes Harold would come and watch them, or swim as well. In the afternoons, Malcolm and JB would pedal off through the dunes on bicycles, and he and Willem would follow on foot, picking up bits of shaley shells and the sad carapaces of long-nibbled-away hermit crabs as they went, Willem slowing his pace to match his own. In the evenings, when the air was soft, JB and Malcolm sketched and he and Willem read. He felt doped, on sun and food and salt and contentment, and at night he fell asleep quickly and early, and in the mornings he woke before the others so he could stand on the back porch alone looking over the sea.

法學院第二年結(jié)束后的夏天，哈羅德邀請他到他們夫婦位于鱈魚角特魯羅的房子玩。“你會喜歡那里的。”他說，“請你的朋友一起來，他們也會喜歡的。”于是九月初勞動節(jié)前的那個星期四，他和馬爾科姆的實習一結(jié)束，他們四個就一起從紐約開車北上去特魯羅。在那個勞動節(jié)的長周末里，哈羅德的注意力轉(zhuǎn)移到杰比、馬爾科姆和威廉身上。他也在觀察他們，很佩服他們可以回答哈羅德的每一個問題，欣賞他們對自己的人生這么大方，可以說出自己的故事讓大家嘲笑，把哈羅德和朱麗婭逗得大笑。他看著他們在哈羅德身邊那么自在，而哈羅德跟他們在一起也很自在。他體會到那種奇特的愉悅感，看著他所愛的這些人愛上彼此。那棟房子有一條私人步道，通往一小片海岬上的私人海灘。上午，他們四個會一起走到海灘去游泳（就連他也下水了，穿著他的長褲、汗衫加一件牛津紡襯衫），然后躺在沙子上烤干，感覺黏在身上的衣服逐漸干燥，剝離他的身體。有時哈羅德會過來看他們，或者跟著一起游泳。到了下午，馬爾科姆和杰比會在沙丘間騎腳踏車，他和威廉則徒步跟在后頭，撿拾貝殼碎片和寄居蟹的空殼，威廉會放慢速度配合他。到了晚上沒那么熱時，杰比和馬爾科姆分別忙著素描，他和威廉則閱讀。他覺得整個人被太陽、食物、鹽和滿足感弄得懶洋洋的，晚上總是很早、很快就睡著，早上他會比其他人先醒來，獨自走到后陽臺望著大海。

　 What is going to happen to me? he asked the sea. What is happening to me?

我以后會碰上什么事？他問大海，我現(xiàn)在碰上了什么事？