《渺小一生》:“這個就是你想要做的

　 “No, Willem, of course not. I’m just guessing. From my vast experience with women, you know.”

“沒有，威廉，當(dāng)然沒有。我只是猜想。從我對女人的廣泛經(jīng)驗，你知道?！?

　 Later, when Willem and Philippa broke up, he would feel as guilty as if he had been solely to blame. But even before that, he had wondered whether Willem, too, had come to realize that no serious girlfriend would tolerate his constant presence in Willem’s life; he wondered whether Willem was trying to make alternative plans for him, so he didn’t end up living in a cottage on the property he’d someday have with his wife, so he wouldn’t be Willem’s sad bachelor friend, a useless reminder of his forsaken, childish life. I will be alone, he decided. He wouldn’t be the one to ruin Willem’s chances for happiness: he wanted Willem to have the orchard and the termite-nibbled house and the grandchildren and the wife who was jealous of his company and attention. He wanted Willem to have everything he deserved, everything he desired. He wanted every day of his to be free of worries and obligations and responsibilities—even if that worry and obligation and responsibility was him.

后來，威廉和菲莉帕分手時，他內(nèi)疚得好像一切都該怪自己。但即使在此之前，他就很好奇威廉是否也明白，不會有任何一個認真的女朋友能容忍他在威廉的生活里無處不在；他很好奇威廉是不是該試著為他擬定別的計劃，免得他最后還要住在他和他太太的小屋里，免得他成為威廉可悲的單身漢朋友，徒勞地提醒他過往的幼稚生活。我會孤單一個人，他斷定。他不會毀掉威廉幸福的機會：他希望威廉有果園、白蟻蛀蝕的房子、孫子孫女和嫉妒他的太太。他希望威廉得到應(yīng)得的和渴望的一切。他希望威廉的每一天都沒有擔(dān)憂、義務(wù)和責(zé)任，即使那些擔(dān)憂、義務(wù)和責(zé)任是針對他的。

　 The following week, Richard’s father—a tall, smiling, pleasant man he’d met at Richard’s first show, three years ago—sent him the contract, which he had a law school classmate, a real estate lawyer, review in tandem with him, and the building’s engineering report, which he gave to Malcolm. The price had almost nauseated him, but his classmate said he had to do it: “This is an unbelievable deal, Jude. You will never, never, never find something that size in that neighborhood for this amount of money.” And after reviewing the report, and then the space, Malcolm told him the same thing: Buy it.

隔周，理查德的父親（三年前，他在理查德的第一次個展上碰到過，是個高大、愛笑、和藹可親的人）把合約和那棟樓的工程報告寄給他。他找了當(dāng)房地產(chǎn)律師的法學(xué)院同學(xué)幫忙看合約，自己也看了；工程報告則交給馬爾科姆幫忙看。那層公寓的價錢讓他差點吐出來，但他同學(xué)叫他一定要買：“這種價錢實在不可思議，裘德。你在那一帶絕對、絕對、絕對找不到這么大又這么便宜的地方了?！瘪R爾科姆看過工程報告，又親自去現(xiàn)場看過那個空間，也告訴他同樣的結(jié)論：買下來。

　 So he did. And although he and the Goldfarbs had worked out a leisurely ten-year payment schedule, an interest-free rent-to-own plan, he was determined to pay the apartment off as soon as he could. Every two weeks, he allotted half of his paycheck to the apartment, and the other half to his savings and living expenses. He told Harold he had moved during their weekly phone call (“Thank Christ,” Harold said: he had never liked Lispenard Street), but didn’t tell him he had bought a place, because he didn’t want Harold to feel obligated to offer him money for it. From Lispenard Street he brought only his mattress and lamp and the table and a chair, all of which he arranged into one corner of the space. At nights, he would sometimes look up from his work and think what a ludicrous decision this had been: How could he ever fill so much room? How would it ever feel like his? He was reminded of Boston, of Hereford Street, and how there, he had dreamed only of a bedroom, of a door he might someday close. Even when he was in Washington, clerking for Sullivan, he had slept in the living room of a one-bedroom apartment he shared with a legislative assistant whom he rarely saw—Lispenard Street had been the first time in his life that he’d had a room, a real room with a real window, wholly to himself. But a year after he moved into Greene Street, Malcolm installed the walls, and the place began to feel a little more comfortable, and the year after that, Willem moved in, and it felt more comfortable still. He saw less of Richard than he thought he might—they were both traveling frequently—but on Sunday evenings, he would sometimes go down to his studio and help him with one of his projects, polishing a bunch of small branches smooth with a leaf of sandpaper, or snipping the rachis off the vane from a fluff of peacock feathers. Richard’s studio was the sort of place he would have loved as a child—everywhere were containers and bowls of marvelous things: twigs and stones and dried beetles and feathers and tiny, bright-hued taxidermied birds and blocks in various shapes made of some soft pale wood—and at times he wished he could be allowed to abandon his work and simply sit on the floor and play, which he had usually been too busy to do as a boy.

于是他買了。盡管他和理查德家講好一個輕松的十年付款期，免利息、租金抵房款，但他決心盡快付清。每兩個星期，他就把半數(shù)的薪資支票拿去付公寓的房款，另一半才用于儲蓄和日常開支。他在跟哈羅德的周末例行通話中說他搬家了（“感謝老天?！惫_德當(dāng)時說，他從來就沒喜歡過利斯本納街那棟公寓），但沒提到自己買下了一層公寓，因為他不希望哈羅德覺得該資助他買房。他從利斯本納街只帶來了他的床墊、一盞燈、桌子、一張椅子，全擺在新家的角落。到了夜里，他有時工作到一半，會抬頭看看，想著這個決定多么荒唐：他怎么有可能填滿這么大的空間？這里怎么可能屬于他？他想到多年前住在波士頓的赫里福德街，當(dāng)時他只夢想能有自己的臥室，有扇可以關(guān)上的門。即使在華盛頓當(dāng)沙利文法官的助理時，他都還只能跟某國會議員的立法助理合租只有一間臥室的公寓，他睡客廳，而且很少看到室友。所以利斯本納街是他生平第一次有自己的房間，是真正的房間，有真正的窗戶，完全屬于他。但搬到格林街一年后，馬爾科姆裝好了隔間的墻壁，整個地方開始讓他覺得舒適了一點。再過一年，威廉搬進來，感覺上就更舒適了。他見到理查德的機會比原來以為的少，因為兩人都常常到外地出差或旅行，但在星期天晚上，他有時會下樓去理查德的工作室?guī)忘c小忙，用砂紙把小樹枝磨得光滑，或者剪掉孔雀羽毛的中軸。理查德的工作室是他小時候會很喜歡的地方——到處是容器或大缽，裝著令人驚嘆的各種小東西：樹枝、石頭、干掉的甲蟲、羽毛、顏色鮮艷的小鳥標本，還有用白色軟木材制成的各種形狀的積木——有時他真希望自己可以丟開工作，坐在地板上玩，因為他小時候總是忙著做各種雜務(wù)，沒辦法這樣玩。

　 By the end of the third year, he had paid for the apartment, and had immediately begun saving for the renovation. This took less time than he’d thought it would, in part because of something that had happened with Andy. He’d gone uptown one day for his appointment, and Andy had walked in, looking grim and yet oddly triumphant.

住滿三年時他付清了房款，又立刻開始為裝修存錢?；ǖ臅r間比他原先預(yù)估的短，一部分原因是跟安迪之間發(fā)生的一些事。他有天去上城安迪的診所復(fù)診，安迪走進來，表情嚴肅，但又有種奇異的得意。

　 “What?” he’d asked, and Andy had silently handed him a magazine article he’d sliced out of a journal. He read it: it was an academic report about how a recently developed semi-experimental laser surgery that had held great promise as a solution for damageless keloid removal was now proven to have adverse medium-term effects: although the keloids were eliminated, patients instead developed raw, burn-like wounds, and the skin beneath the scars became significantly more fragile, more susceptible to splitting and cracking, which resulted in blisters and infection.

“怎么了？”他問，安迪沉默地把一篇雜志上剪下的文章遞給他。他讀了。那是一份學(xué)術(shù)報告，主題是一種近年開發(fā)的半實驗性激光手術(shù)，原先很有希望以無傷害性的方式去除蟹足腫疤痕，但現(xiàn)在證明會有中長期的不良反應(yīng)：雖然可以去除蟹足腫，但病患會生出有如灼傷的破皮傷口，而且疤痕底下的皮膚會明顯變得更脆弱、更容易裂開，造成水泡和感染。

　 “This is what you’re thinking of doing, isn’t it?” Andy asked him, as he sat holding the pages in his hand, unable to speak. “I know you, Judy. And I know you made an appointment at that quack Thompson’s office. Don’t deny it; they called for your chart. I didn’t send it. Please don’t do this, Jude. I’m serious. The last thing you need are open wounds on your back as well as your legs.” And then, when he didn’t say anything, “Talk to me.”

“這個就是你想要做的，對吧？”安迪問他，但他只是坐在那里，手里拿著那份報告，說不出話來?！拔伊私饽悖◆?。而且我知道你去過那個庸醫(yī)湯普森的診所。別否認！他們打過電話來要你的病歷，我沒給。拜托別去做，裘德。我說真的。你最不需要的就是背部和腿上都有開放性傷口。”然后，看他什么都不說，“你說話啊?！?

　 He shook his head. Andy was right: he had been saving for this as well. Like his annual bonuses and most of his savings, all the money he’d made long ago from tutoring Felix had been given over to the apartment, but in recent months, as it was clear he was closing in on his final payments, he had begun saving anew for the surgery. He had it all worked out: he’d have the surgery and then he’d finish saving for the renovation. He had visions of it—his back made as smooth as the floors themselves, the thick, unbudgeable worm trail of scars vaporized in seconds, and with it, all evidence of his time in the home and in Philadelphia, the documentation of those years erased from his body. He tried so hard to forget, he tried every day, but as much as he tried, there it was to remind him, proof that what he pretended hadn’t happened, actually had.

他搖搖頭。安迪說得沒錯：他一直在為這個手術(shù)存錢。他每年的分紅獎金和大部分存款，還有他多年前當(dāng)菲利克斯的家教賺來的錢，都拿去付那間公寓的房款了，但近幾個月，確定即將付掉最后一筆分期房款之后，他就開始為手術(shù)存錢了。他全都算好了：他會動手術(shù)，再存裝修的錢。他想象著未來的樣子——他手術(shù)后的背部光滑無痕，原先那些厚厚的、無法改變的、蠕蟲般的疤痕會在幾秒鐘之內(nèi)蒸發(fā)，而他在少年之家和費城待過的所有證據(jù)，也會隨著疤痕消失，那幾年的記錄都會從他的身上抹去。他那么努力想要忘掉，每天都在努力，但無論怎么樣，都有那些疤痕在提醒他，證明他假裝沒有發(fā)生過的事情，其實是確確實實發(fā)生過的。

　 “Jude,” Andy said, sitting next to him on the examining table. “I know you’re disappointed. And I promise you that when there’s a treatment available that’s both effective and safe, I’ll let you know. I know it bothers you; I’m always looking out for something for you. But right now there isn’t anything, and I can’t in good conscience let you do this to yourself.” He was quiet; they both were. “I suppose I should have asked you this more frequently, Jude, but—do they hurt you? Do they cause you any discomfort? Does the skin feel tight?”

“裘德，”安迪說，在診療臺他旁邊坐下，“我知道你很失望。我保證等到有安全又有效的治療方法出現(xiàn)的時候，我會告訴你的。我知道那些疤痕很困擾你，我一直在幫你留意這方面的信息，但眼前實在什么辦法都沒有。如果讓你去動這個手術(shù)，我會良心不安的?！彼麤]說話，兩人都靜了下來，“裘德，我想我應(yīng)該更常問你的——這些疤會痛嗎？會不會不舒服呢？皮膚會不會覺得緊繃？”

　 He nodded. “Look, Jude,” Andy said after a pause. “There are some creams I can give you that’ll help with that, but you’re going to need someone to help massage them in nightly, or it’s not going to be effective. Would you let someone do this for you? Willem? Richard?”

他點點頭。“聽我說，裘德，”安迪暫停一下說，“我可以給你一些按摩藥膏，對除疤會有幫助，但是你需要有個人每晚幫你按摩，否則不會有效。你愿意讓誰幫你嗎？威廉？理查德？”

　 “I can’t,” he said, speaking to the magazine article in his hands.

“我沒辦法。”他說，低頭看著他手上的那篇文章。

　 “Well,” said Andy. “I’ll write you a scrip anyway, and I’ll show you how to do it—don’t worry, I asked an actual dermatologist, this isn’t some method I’ve made up—but I can’t say how efficacious it’s going to be on your own.” He slid off the table. “Will you open your gown for me and turn toward the wall?”

“好吧，”安迪說，“我還是會開處方給你，也會教你怎么用——別擔(dān)心，我已經(jīng)問過一位皮膚科醫(yī)生，這個療法不是我亂編出來的——但我不知道對你會多有效。”他滑下診療臺，“你可以打開檢查袍，轉(zhuǎn)向墻壁嗎？”

　 He did, and felt Andy’s hands on his shoulders, and then moving slowly across his back. He thought Andy might say, as he sometimes did, “It’s not so bad, Jude,” or “You don’t have anything to be self-conscious about,” but this time he didn’t, just trailed his hands across him, as if his palms were themselves lasers, something that was hovering over him and healing him, the skin beneath them turning healthy and unmarked. Finally Andy told him he could cover himself again, and he did, and turned back around. “I’m really sorry, Jude,” Andy said, and this time, it was Andy who couldn’t look at him.

他照做了，感覺到安迪的雙手放在他肩膀上，然后緩緩摸過他的背部。他以為安迪可能會像平常那樣告訴他，“其實沒那么糟糕，裘德”或是“你沒有什么好難為情的”，但這回他沒說，只是雙手撫過他的背部，好像他的手掌本身就是激光，在他背部上方徘徊治愈著他，讓那雙手底下的皮膚逐漸變得健康無痕。最后安迪跟他說他可以把檢查袍穿好，于是他穿好、轉(zhuǎn)過身來?！棒玫拢艺娴暮鼙??！卑驳险f，這回是安迪不敢看他。

　 “Do you want to grab something to eat?” Andy asked after the appointment was over, as he was putting his clothes back on, but he shook his head: “I should go back to the office.” Andy was quiet then, but as he was leaving, he stopped him. “Jude,” he said, “I really am sorry. I don’t like being the one who has to destroy your hopes.” He nodded—he knew Andy didn’t—but in that moment, he couldn’t stand being around him, and wanted only to get away.

看診完畢，他把衣服換回去時，安迪問他：“要不要去吃點東西？”但他搖搖頭：“我該回辦公室了?！卑驳蠜]說話，但他要離開時，安迪叫住他，“裘德，”他說，“我真的很抱歉，我不想當(dāng)非得摧毀你希望的那個人?！彼c點頭，心里知道安迪不喜歡，但在那一刻，他實在受不了跟安迪在一起，只想趕快離開。

　 However, he reminds himself—he is determined to be more realistic, to stop thinking he can make himself better—the fact that he can’t get this surgery means he now has the money for Malcolm to begin the renovation in earnest. Over the years he has owned the apartment, he has witnessed Malcolm grow both bolder and more imaginative in his work, and so the plans he drew when he first bought the place have been changed and revised and improved upon multiple times: in them, he can see the development of what even he can recognize as an aesthetic confidence, a self-assured idiosyncracy. Shortly before he began working at Rosen Pritchard and Klein, Malcolm had quit his job at Ratstar, and with two of his former colleagues and Sophie, an acquaintance of his from architecture school, had founded a firm called Bellcast; their first commission had been the renovation of the pied-à-terre of one of Malcolm’s parents’ friends. Bellcast did mostly residential work, but last year they had been awarded their first significant public commission, for a photography museum in Doha, and Malcolm—like Willem, like himself—was absent from the city more and more frequently.

總之，他提醒自己——他決心要變得更實際，不要再想著可以讓自己好轉(zhuǎn)——他不能動這個手術(shù)，就表示他現(xiàn)在有錢付給馬爾科姆，可以開始裝修公寓了。擁有公寓的這幾年來，他親眼見證了馬爾科姆在工作上變得更大膽也更有想象力，所以馬爾科姆一開始的設(shè)計圖幾經(jīng)變動、修訂和改進：從這些設(shè)計圖中，連他都能看得出馬爾科姆逐漸發(fā)展出一種審美上的自信，一種胸有成竹。他剛跳槽到羅普克不久，馬爾科姆就從瑞司塔建筑師事務(wù)所辭職，跟以前的兩個同事以及建筑研究所時認識的蘇菲一起創(chuàng)辦了“鐘?！苯ㄖ熓聞?wù)所；他們的第一個委托案是幫馬爾科姆父母一個老友的備用小公寓裝修?！扮娔！苯拥陌缸哟蟛糠质亲≌贿^去年他們第一個重要的公共委托案得獎了，是多哈的一座攝影博物館，而馬爾科姆就像威廉和他自己，越來越不常在紐約了。

　 “Never underestimate the importance of having rich parents, I guess,” some asshole at one of JB’s parties had grumbled, sourly, when he heard that Bellcast had been the runners-up in a competition to design a memorial in Los Angeles for Japanese Americans who had been interned in the war, and JB had started shouting at him before he and Willem had a chance; the two of them had smiled at each other over JB’s head, proud of him for defending Malcolm so vehemently.

“我想，絕對不要低估父母有錢的重要性。”某個混蛋有回在杰比的派對上酸溜溜地發(fā)牢騷，因為那人聽說，在洛杉磯為二戰(zhàn)時被囚禁的日裔美國人設(shè)立的紀念碑競圖比賽中，“鐘?！钡玫搅说诙．?dāng)時他和威廉還沒來得及開口，杰比就開始吼那個混蛋；他和威廉隔著杰比的頭相視微笑，因為他這么強烈地捍衛(wèi)馬爾科姆而覺得驕傲。

　 And so he has watched as, with each new revised blueprint for Greene Street, hallways have materialized and then vanished, and the kitchen has grown larger and then smaller, and bookcases have gone from stretching along the northern wall, which has no windows, to the southern wall, which does, and then back again. One of the renderings eliminated walls altogether—“It’s a loft, Judy, and you should respect its integrity,” Malcolm had argued with him, but he had been firm: he needed a bedroom; he needed a door he could close and lock—and in another, Malcolm had tried to block up the southern-facing windows entirely, which had been the reason he had chosen the sixth-floor unit to begin with, and which Malcolm later admitted had been an idiotic idea. But he enjoys watching Malcolm work, is touched that he has spent so much time—more than he himself has—thinking about how he might live. And now it is going to happen. Now he has enough saved for Malcolm to indulge even his most outlandish design fantasies. Now he has enough for every piece of furniture Malcolm has ever suggested he might get, for every carpet and vase.

于是，根據(jù)格林街公寓每次新修訂的藍圖，他看到走廊出現(xiàn)又消失，廚房變大又縮小，原先沿著沒窗戶的北墻排列的書架搬到有窗戶的南墻邊，然后又搬了回去。其中有一回的藍圖把所有墻壁全部取消了?！斑@里原先是倉庫，沒有隔間的，小裘，你應(yīng)該要尊重原來的完整性?！瘪R爾科姆跟他爭辯，但他很堅持：他需要一間臥室，他需要一扇可以關(guān)起來鎖上的門。另外一回，馬爾科姆想把南邊的窗戶全部封起來，但這些窗子是他當(dāng)初選擇買六樓的原因，后來馬爾科姆也承認那個主意很白癡。不過他樂于看馬爾科姆工作，很感動這位好友花那么多時間（超過他自己花的時間），思考他日后會如何生活。而現(xiàn)在這一切就要成真了。現(xiàn)在他有足夠的存款讓馬爾科姆充分發(fā)揮，就連他最古怪的設(shè)計幻想都可以滿足?，F(xiàn)在他有足夠的錢去買馬爾科姆建議購買的每一種家具、每一張地毯、每一個花瓶。

　 These days, he argues with Malcolm about his most recent plans. The last time they reviewed the sketches, three months ago, he had noticed an element around the toilet in the master bathroom that he couldn’t identify. “What’s that?” he’d asked Malcolm.

近日來，他常跟馬爾科姆爭辯他最新的設(shè)計。上回是三個月前，他們看草圖時，他注意到主浴室里的一個元素他無法辨別?！澳鞘鞘裁?？”他問馬爾科姆。

　 “Grab bars,” Malcolm said, briskly, as if by saying it quickly it would become less significant. “Judy, I know what you’re going to say, but—” But he was already examining the blueprints more closely, peering at Malcolm’s tiny notations in the bathroom, where he’d added steel bars in the shower and around the bathtub as well, and in the kitchen, where he’d lowered the height of some of the countertops.

“安全扶手?！瘪R爾科姆說得很快，好像說得快就可以變得沒那么重要，“小裘，我知道你會說什么，可是……”但他已經(jīng)更仔細地看過藍圖，望著馬爾科姆在浴室里做的小小注記，顯示淋浴間和浴缸周圍也加上了鋼制安全扶手，還有廚房里，有些料理臺的高度被降低了。

　 “But I’m not even in a wheelchair,” he’d said, dismayed.

“但我現(xiàn)在根本沒坐輪椅了。”他喪氣地說。