《渺小一生》:原諒我。

　 He leaned against the sofa and closed his eyes; he could hear Jude and Malcolm talking to each other, quietly, and then Malcolm walking toward the other end of the apartment, where his bedroom was, and the plank of wood being lifted and then dropped back into place, and the flush of the toilet.

他往后靠在沙發(fā)上，閉上眼睛。他可以聽到裘德和馬爾科姆很小聲地交談，接著馬爾科姆走到公寓另一頭他臥室那里。他聽到那塊木板被拿起來，又放回去，然后是馬桶沖水聲。

　 “We’re ready,” he heard Jude say, and he stood, and Willem stood with him, and Malcolm came over to him and put his arm across his back and they shuffled as a group toward the door, where he was gripped by a terror: if he went outside, he knew he would see Jackson, appearing as suddenly as he had that day in the café.

“準(zhǔn)備好了。”他聽到裘德說，于是他站起來，威廉也跟著起身。馬爾科姆走過來，一手?jǐn)堉谋巢?，他們一群人拖著腳步走向前門。此時他忽然被一股恐懼攫住：如果他走出去，他知道自己會看到杰克遜，就像那天在小餐館那樣忽然出現(xiàn)。

　 “I can’t go,” he said, stopping. “I don’t want to go, don’t make me go.”

“我不能離開。”他說，站住了，“我不想離開。別逼我。”

　 “JB,” Willem began, and something about Willem’s voice, about his very presence, made him in that moment irrationally furious, and he shook Malcolm’s arm off of him and turned to face them, energy flooding his body. “You don’t get a say in what I do, Willem,” he said. “You’re never here and you’ve never supported me and you never called me, and you don’t get to come in making fun of me—poor, stupid, fucked-up JB, I’m Willem the Hero, I’m coming in to save the day—just because you want to, okay? So leave me the fuck alone.”

“杰比。”威廉開口。威廉的聲音、威廉整個人的存在，其中有個什么讓他在那一刻無名火起，于是他甩開馬爾科姆的手臂，轉(zhuǎn)身面對他們，忽然渾身是勁。“你沒資格叫我做什么，威廉，”他說，“你從來沒站在我這邊，從來沒支持我，也從來不打電話給我，所以你別想跑來這里看我笑話——可憐、愚蠢、完蛋的杰比，我是英雄威廉，我要來救你了——只因為你高興，好嗎？他媽的別煩我了。”

　 “JB, I know you’re upset,” Willem said, “but no one’s making fun of you, least of all me,” but before he’d begun speaking, JB had seen Willem look over, quickly, and, it seemed, conspiratorially, at Jude, and for some reason this had made him even more livid. What had happened to the days when they all understood one another, when he and Willem had gone out every weekend, when they had returned the next day to share the night’s stories with Malcolm and Jude, Jude who never went anywhere, who never shared stories of his own? How had it happened that he was the one who was all alone? Why had they left him for Jackson to pick over and destroy? Why hadn’t they fought harder for him? Why had he ruined it all for himself? Why had they let him? He wanted to devastate them; he wanted them to feel as inhuman as he did.

“杰比，我知道你很生氣，”威廉說，“但是沒有人要看你笑話，尤其是我。”但杰比還沒回話，就看到威廉很快看了裘德一眼，仿佛兩個人在密謀什么，因為某些原因，這個舉動搞得他更加憤怒。以前他們四個彼此了解，他和威廉每個周末都會出去玩，次日回來就把前一晚的故事跟馬爾科姆和裘德分享，而裘德從來不出去玩，從來不分享他的故事。那樣的日子都到哪里去了？為什么到最后他是落單的那一個？為什么他們要留下他，讓杰克遜玩弄他、摧毀他？為什么他們不更努力地把他搶回去？為什么他要毀了自己的一切？為什么他們要讓他這樣？他想毀掉他們，他要他們體會到他所經(jīng)歷的那種非人的可怕感覺。

　 “And you,” he said, turning to Jude. “You like knowing how fucked up I am? You like always being the person who gets to learn everyone else’s secrets, without ever telling us a single fucking thing? What do you think this is, Jude? You think you get to be a part of the club and you never have to say anything, you never have to tell us anything? Well, it doesn’t fucking work like that, and we’re all fucking sick of you.”

“還有你，”他說，轉(zhuǎn)向裘德，“你喜歡看到我有多完蛋嗎？你喜歡總是當(dāng)那個知道其他所有人的秘密、自己卻一件事都不肯說的人嗎？你覺得這算什么，裘德？你以為你可以成為這個群體的一分子，但是自己什么都不必說，什么都不告訴我們嗎？唔，你他媽的這樣是不行的，我們他媽的全都受夠了。”

　 “That’s enough, JB,” Willem said sharply, grabbing his shoulder, but he was strong suddenly, and he wrenched out of Willem’s grasp, his feet unexpectedly nimble, dancing toward the bookcase like a boxer. He looked at Jude, who was standing in silence, his face very still and his eyes very large, almost as if he was waiting for him to continue, waiting for JB to hurt him further. The first time he had painted Jude’s eyes, he had gone to a pet store to take photographs of a rough green snake because the colors were so similar. But in that moment they were darker, almost like a grass snake’s, and he wished, ridiculously, that he had his paints, because he knew that if he had them, he’d be able to get the shade exactly right without even having to try.

“夠了，杰比。”威廉厲聲說，抓住他的一邊肩膀，但他忽然變得很壯，掙脫了威廉，雙腳出奇的靈活，像個拳師般朝書架舞動。他看著裘德，裘德沉默地站在那里，非常平靜，眼睛睜得很大，像要等著他繼續(xù)說下去，等著杰比進一步傷害他。他第一次畫裘德的眼睛時，還跑去一家寵物店拍下一條糙鱗綠樹蛇的照片，因為兩種翠綠色很相似。但那一刻，裘德的雙眼顏色變暗了，幾乎成了水游蛇那樣的灰褐色，而他很荒謬地希望自己的顏料在手邊，因為他知道只要有顏料，他就可以當(dāng)場準(zhǔn)確地畫出那個顏色，連試色都不必。

　 “It doesn’t work like that,” he said to Jude again. And then, before he knew it, he was doing Jackson’s imitation of Jude, the hideous parody, his mouth open as Jackson had done it, making an imbecile’s moan, dragging his right leg behind him as if it were made of stone. “I’m Jude,” he slurred. “I’m Jude St. Francis.” For a few seconds, his was the only voice in the room, his movements the only movements, and in those seconds, he wanted to stop, but he couldn’t stop. And then Willem had run at him, and the last thing he had seen was Willem drawing his fist back, and the last thing he had heard was the cracking of bone.

“這樣是不行的。”他又對著裘德說。然后，在他意識到之前，就不知不覺地學(xué)起杰克遜對裘德那種丑惡的模仿，嘴巴像杰克遜之前那樣張開，發(fā)出一種低能的嗚咽，然后右腳故意拖在身后，好像是石頭做的一樣。“我是裘德。”他口齒不清地說，“我是裘德·圣弗朗西斯。”有幾秒鐘，他的聲音是房間里唯一的聲音，他的動作是房間里唯一的動作。在那幾秒鐘，他想停止，卻停不下來。然后威廉沖向他，他看到的最后一個景象就是威廉的拳頭往后揮，聽到的最后一個聲音就是骨頭裂開的脆響。

　 He woke and didn’t know where he was. It was difficult to breathe. Something was on his nose, he realized. But when he tried to lift his hand to feel what it was, he couldn’t. And then he had looked down and seen that his wrists were in restraints, and he knew he was in the hospital. He closed his eyes and remembered: Willem had hit him. Then he remembered why, and he shut his eyes very tightly, howling but not making a noise.

他醒來時不知道自己身在何處。他覺得呼吸困難，發(fā)現(xiàn)鼻子上有東西。當(dāng)他想抬起手摸摸看時，卻做不到。他一低頭，看到自己的手腕都被帶子縛在床沿，才知道自己在醫(yī)院。他閉上眼睛回想：威廉揍了他。然后他想起是為什么，于是把眼睛閉得很緊，無聲地痛哭起來。

　 The moment passed and he opened his eyes again. He turned his head to the left, where an ugly blue curtain blocked his view of the door. And then he turned his head to the right, toward the early-morning light, and saw Jude, asleep in the chair next to his bed. The chair was too small for him to sleep in, and he had folded himself into a terrible-looking position: his knees drawn up to his chest, his cheek resting atop them, his arms wrapped around his calves.

那一刻過去了，他再度睜開眼睛，把頭轉(zhuǎn)向左邊，那里有一面丑陋的藍(lán)色簾子擋住了門。接著他又轉(zhuǎn)向右邊，朝著清晨的光線，他看到了裘德，在他床邊的椅子上睡著了。那椅子小得實在不適合睡在上頭，他蜷縮成一個很可怕的姿勢：膝蓋縮到胸口，一邊臉頰靠在膝蓋上，雙臂環(huán)抱著小腿。

　 You know you shouldn’t sleep like that, Jude, he told him in his head. Your back is going to hurt when you wake up. But even if he could have reached his arm over to wake him, he wouldn’t have.

你明知道你不該這樣睡覺的，裘德，他在心里這樣告訴他，你醒來時會背痛的。但即使他可以伸手搖醒他，他也不會這么做。

　 Oh god, he thought. Oh god. What have I done?

啊老天，他心想。啊老天，我做了什么？

　 I’m sorry, Jude, he said in his head, and this time he was able to cry properly, the tears running into his mouth, the mucus that he was unable to clean away bubbling over as well. But he was silent; he didn’t make any noise. I’m sorry, Jude, I’m so sorry, he repeated to himself, and then he whispered the words aloud, but quietly, so quietly that he could hear only his lips opening and closing, nothing more. Forgive me, Jude. Forgive me.

對不起，裘德，他在腦袋里說。這回他可以好好哭了，眼淚滑進嘴里，他沒法擦掉的鼻涕也流下來。但他保持安靜，沒發(fā)出任何聲音。對不起，裘德，對不起。他在腦袋里兀自重復(fù)著，然后用氣音說出來，但是很小聲，小聲到他只能聽見自己的嘴唇打開又合上，如此而已。原諒我，裘德。原諒我。

　 Forgive me.

原諒我。

　 Forgive me.

原諒我。

　 Forgive me.

原諒我。

　 [ IV ]

第四部分

　 The Axiom of Equality

相等公理

　 1

1

　 THE NIGHT BEFORE he leaves for Boston for their friend Lionel’s wedding, he gets a message from Dr. Li telling him that Dr. Kashen has died. “It was a heart attack; very fast,” Dr. Li writes. The funeral is Friday afternoon.

要去波士頓參加老友萊諾婚禮的前一夜，他收到李博士的短信，說他以前的指導(dǎo)教授卡申博士過世了。“是心臟病發(fā)，非?？?。”李博士寫道。葬禮安排在星期五下午。