《渺小一生》:他忽然覺得很不自在

　 “Yes!” says Willem, triumphantly. “That’s her!”

“沒錯！”威廉得意地說，“就是她！”

　 “God, Willem, give me some credit; it was just last week.”

“老天，威廉，別那么瞧不起我吧，那不過是上星期的事?！?

　 “I know, I know. Well, anyway, here’s the thing—she’s interested in you.”

“我知道，我知道。唔，總之呢，事情是這樣的——她對你有興趣。”

　 He is perplexed. “What do you mean?”

他沒搞懂：“什么意思？”

　 “She asked Robin if you were single.” He pauses. “I told her I didn’t think you were interested in seeing anyone, but I’d ask. So. I’m asking.”

“她跟羅賓問起你是不是單身。”威廉停了一下，“我跟她說我不認為你有興趣跟任何人交往，但是我會問問。所以，現(xiàn)在我就在問你了?！?

　 The idea is so preposterous that it takes him a while to understand what Willem’s saying, and when he does, he stops, and laughs, embarrassed and disbelieving. “You’ve got to be kidding, Willem,” he says. “That’s ridiculous.”

這個想法實在太荒唐了，他花了好一會兒才搞懂威廉的意思，然后他停下腳步大笑，難為情又難以置信?！巴阋欢ㄊ窃陂_玩笑?！彼f，“這太荒謬了?！?

　 “Why is it ridiculous?” asks Willem, suddenly serious. “Jude, why?”

“為什么荒謬？”威廉問，忽然嚴肅起來，“裘德，為什么？”

　 “Willem,” he says, recovering himself. “It’s very flattering. But—” He winces and laughs again. “It’s absurd.”

“威廉，”他說，平靜下來，“我覺得很榮幸?？墒恰彼缌藗€鬼臉又大笑，“這真的太荒謬了。”

　 “What is?” Willem says, and he can feel the conversation turn. “That someone should be attracted to you? This isn’t the first time this has happened, you know. You just can’t see it because you won’t let yourself.”

“哪里荒謬？”威廉說，他可以感覺到這段對話轉(zhuǎn)向了，“是有人會被你吸引嗎？這種事又不是第一次。你看不到，是因為你不讓自己看到?！?

　 He shakes his head. “Let’s talk about something else, Willem.”

他搖搖頭：“威廉，我們談點別的話題吧?！?

　 “No,” says Willem. “You’re not getting out of this one, Jude. Why is it ridiculous? Why is it absurd?”

“不，”威廉說，“這回你別想逃避，裘德。為什么這樣很荒謬？為什么很荒唐？”

　 He is suddenly so uncomfortable that he actually does stop, right on the corner of Fifth and Forty-fifth, and starts scanning the avenue for a cab. But of course, there are no cabs.

他忽然覺得很不自在，完全停下了腳步，就在第五大道和45街的交叉口，他想找輛出租車。當然，沒有出租車。

　 As he considers how to respond, he thinks back to a time a few days after that night in JB’s apartment, when he had asked Willem if JB had been correct, at least in some part: Did Willem resent him? Did he not tell them enough?

他正在思索該怎么回應(yīng)時，忽然想起在杰比公寓那一晚的幾天后，他曾問威廉杰比是不是沒說錯，至少就某部分而言：威廉怨恨他嗎？因為他告訴他們的事情不夠多？

　 Willem had been silent for such a long time that he knew the answer even before he heard it. “Look, Jude,” Willem had said, slowly, “JB was—JB was out of his mind. I could never be sick of you. You don’t owe me your secrets.” He paused. “But, yes, I do wish you’d share more of yourself with me. Not so I could have the information but so, maybe, I could be of some help.” He stopped and looked at him. “That’s all.”

威廉沉默好久，還沒開口，他就知道答案了。“聽我說，裘德，”當時威廉緩緩地說，“杰比當時……當時他發(fā)神經(jīng)了。我永遠不會討厭你的。你沒有義務(wù)把秘密告訴我?！彼麜和Ｒ幌?，“不過沒錯，我的確希望你多告訴我一些你的事。不是我想知道，而是如果你說了，那么或許我可以幫上一點忙?！彼Ｏ聛砜粗?，“就這樣?！?

　 Since then, he has tried to tell Willem more things. But there are so many topics that he has never discussed with anyone since Ana, now twenty-five years ago, that he finds he literally doesn’t have the language to do so. His past, his fears, what was done to him, what he has done to himself—they are subjects that can only be discussed in tongues he doesn’t speak: Farsi, Urdu, Mandarin, Portuguese. Once, he tried to write some things down, thinking that it might be easier, but it wasn’t—he is unclear how to explain himself to himself.

從那時開始，他就試著告訴威廉更多事。但自打二十五年前安娜過世以來，有太多話題他根本沒跟人談過，他發(fā)現(xiàn)，他確實找不到字眼去描述。他的過去、他的恐懼、在他身上發(fā)生過的事情——這些話題只能用他不會講的語言談：波斯語、烏爾都語、中文、葡萄牙語。他一度試著寫下來，覺得或許比較容易，結(jié)果并沒有——他不知道該怎么跟自己解釋這一切。

　 “You’ll find your own way to discuss what happened to you,” he remembers Ana saying. “You’ll have to, if you ever want to be close to anyone.” He wishes, as he often does, that he had let her talk to him, that he had let her teach him how to do it. His silence had begun as something protective, but over the years it has transformed into something near oppressive, something that manages him rather than the other way around. Now he cannot find a way out of it, even when he wants to. He imagines he is floating in a small bubble of water, encased on all sides by walls and ceilings and floors of ice, all many feet thick. He knows there is a way out, but he is unequipped; he has no tools to begin his work, and his hands scrabble uselessly against the ice’s slick. He had thought that by not saying who he was, he was making himself more palatable, less strange. But now, what he doesn’t say makes him stranger, an object of pity and even suspicion.

“你會找到自己的方法，去談你過去發(fā)生的事。”他還記得安娜所說的話，“你非得找到不可，如果你想跟任何人親近的話?！彼髞沓３ＯＭ约寒敃r愿意跟她談，讓她教自己談的方法。他的沉默一開始是一種保護，但經(jīng)過這些年，已經(jīng)轉(zhuǎn)變成某種近乎壓迫的東西，反過來控制他?，F(xiàn)在即使他想擺脫沉默，都沒辦法了。他想象自己浮在一個小水泡中，上下四周都凍成厚厚的冰墻，厚達數(shù)英尺。他知道有個辦法可以出去，但手上沒有工具；他不知道如何下手，于是雙手徒勞地在滑溜的冰上亂扒。他本來一直以為，只要不談自己的過去，他就會比較討人喜歡，也比較不奇怪。但現(xiàn)在，他沒講的部分卻讓他更奇怪，成為憐憫，甚至懷疑的目標。

　 “Jude?” Willem prompts him. “Why is it absurd?”

“裘德？”威廉這會兒逼問他，“為什么很荒謬？”

　 He shakes his head. “It just is.” He starts walking again.

他搖搖頭：“反正就是很荒謬。”他又開始往前走。

　 For a block, they say nothing. Then Willem asks, “Jude, do you ever want to be with someone?”

兩人安靜地走了一個街區(qū)。然后威廉問：“裘德，你想過要找個伴嗎？”

　 “I never thought I would.”

“我從沒想過我能找到?！?