《渺小一生》:他越來越相信他們打算擺脫他

　 “You’re welcome,” said Luke. “After all, you don’t turn eight every day, do you?”

“不客氣，”盧克說，“你又不是天天都剛好滿8歲，對(duì)吧？”

　 “No,” he admitted, smiling wildly at the gift, and for the rest of his free period, he had built houses and boxes with the pieces while Brother Luke watched him, sometimes reaching over to tuck his hair behind his ears.

“對(duì)?！彼姓J(rèn)，對(duì)著禮物露出大大的笑容，而且在那段自由時(shí)間里，他一直用那些零件蓋房子和盒子。盧克修士看著他，有時(shí)伸手把他的頭發(fā)塞到耳后。

　 He spent every minute he could with the brother in the greenhouse. With Luke, he was a different person. To the other brothers, he was a burden, a collection of problems and deficiencies, and every day brought a new detailing of what was wrong with him: he was too dreamy, too emotional, too energetic, too fanciful, too curious, too impatient, too skinny, too playful. He should be more grateful, more graceful, more controlled, more respectful, more patient, more dexterous, more disciplined, more reverent. But to Brother Luke, he was smart, he was quick, he was clever, he was lively. Brother Luke never told him he asked too many questions, or told him that there were certain things he would have to wait to know until he grew up. The first time Brother Luke tickled him, he had gasped and then laughed, uncontrollably, and Brother Luke had laughed with him, the two of them tussling on the floor beneath the orchids. “You have such a lovely laugh,” Brother Luke said, and “What a great smile you have, Jude,” and “What a joyful person you are,” until it was as if the greenhouse was someplace bewitched, somewhere that transformed him into the boy Brother Luke saw, someone funny and bright, someone people wanted to be around, someone better and different than he actually was.

他一有空就去溫室找修士。跟盧克在一起，他成了另一個(gè)人。對(duì)其他修士來說，他是個(gè)負(fù)擔(dān)，集各種麻煩和缺陷于一身，而且每天都會(huì)增加一點(diǎn)小毛?。核珢圩霭兹諌?、太情緒化、太精力旺盛、太愛幻想、太好奇、太沒耐心、太瘦、太愛玩。他應(yīng)該要更心存感激、更得體、更克制、更恭敬、更有耐心、更靈巧、更有紀(jì)律、更虔誠。但對(duì)盧克修士來說，他很聰明、反應(yīng)很快、很伶俐、很活潑。盧克修士從不會(huì)跟他說他問的問題太多了，或有些事要等他長大了才能知道。盧克修士第一次呵他癢時(shí)，他猛吸一口氣，然后開始大笑，無法控制，盧克修士也跟他一起大笑，兩個(gè)人在蘭花下方的地上扭打成一團(tuán)?！澳愕男β曊婵蓯??！北R克修士說，還有“裘德，你的微笑太可愛了”，以及“你真是個(gè)充滿喜悅的人”。到最后，那溫室像被施了魔法，把他變成了盧克修士眼中的那個(gè)男孩，滑稽又開朗，讓人想親近，而且比實(shí)際的他更好、更不同。

　 When things were bad with the other brothers, he imagined himself in the greenhouse, playing with his things or talking to Brother Luke, and repeated back to himself the things Brother Luke said to him. Sometimes things were so bad he wasn’t able to go to dinner, but the next day, he would always find something in his room that Brother Luke had left him: a flower, or a red leaf, or a particularly bulbous acorn, which he had begun collecting and storing under the grate.

當(dāng)他跟其他修士處得很糟時(shí)，他會(huì)幻想自己在溫室里，玩他自己的東西或跟盧克修士講話，然后自言自語重復(fù)著盧克修士跟他說過的事情。有時(shí)狀況糟到他沒法去吃晚餐，但次日他總會(huì)在房間里發(fā)現(xiàn)盧克修士留給他的東西：一朵鮮花、一片紅葉，或是一顆特別圓的橡實(shí)。他會(huì)收集起來，藏在鐵柵欄之下。

　 The other brothers had noticed he was spending all his time with Brother Luke and, he sensed, disapproved. “Be careful around Luke,” warned Brother Pavel of all people, Brother Pavel who hit him and yelled at him. “He’s not who you think he is.” But he ignored him. They were none of them who they said they were.

其他修士注意到他總是跟盧克修士在一起，他感覺到他們似乎不贊同?！案R克在一起要小心點(diǎn)?！迸辆S爾修士警告他，偏偏帕維爾修士最常打他或罵他了?！八皇悄阋詾榈哪欠N人。”但他不理會(huì)。他們沒有一個(gè)是自己說的那種人。

　 One day he went to the greenhouse late. It had been a very hard week; he had been beaten very badly; it hurt him to walk. He had been visited by both Father Gabriel and Brother Matthew the previous evening, and every muscle hurt. It was a Friday; Brother Michael had unexpectedly released him early that day, and he had thought he might go play with his logs. As he always did after those sessions, he wanted to be alone—he wanted to sit in that warm space with his toys and pretend he was far away.

某天他很晚才去溫室。那個(gè)星期很難捱，他被打得很慘，連走路都會(huì)痛。前一天晚上，蓋柏瑞神父和馬修修士都來找過他，現(xiàn)在他全身的每塊肌肉都在發(fā)痛。那是星期五；邁克修士出乎意料地提早讓他下課，他想著可以去玩那些原木。就像每回自由時(shí)間那樣，他想獨(dú)處——他想坐在那溫暖的空間里玩他的玩具，假裝自己在很遠(yuǎn)很遠(yuǎn)的地方。

　 No one was in the greenhouse when he arrived, and he lifted the grate and took out his Indian doll and the box of logs, but even as he was playing with them, he found himself crying. He was trying to cry less—it always made him feel worse, and the brothers hated it and punished him for it—but he couldn’t help himself. He had at least learned to cry silently, and so he did, although the problem with crying silently was that it hurt, and it took all your concentration, and eventually he had to put his toys down. He stayed until the first bell rang, and then put his things away and ran back downhill toward the kitchen, where he would peel carrots and potatoes and chop celery for the night’s meal.

他進(jìn)去的時(shí)候，溫室里沒有人，于是他掀起鐵柵欄，拿出他的印第安玩偶和那盒原木，但他玩的時(shí)候，發(fā)現(xiàn)自己開始哭。他已經(jīng)試著少哭了（因?yàn)榭蘖烁杏X更糟，而且修士們很討厭他哭，會(huì)因此懲罰他），但他控制不了自己。他至少學(xué)會(huì)不要哭出聲，于是靜靜地掉淚。雖然安靜地哭的麻煩是很痛，而且會(huì)用盡他的注意力，最后不得不放下玩具。他待在那里，直到第一聲鐘響，才把東西收回去，沖下坡，奔向廚房，他要去削胡蘿卜和馬鈴薯、切芹菜，好準(zhǔn)備晚餐。

　 And then, for reasons he was never able to determine, not even when he was an adult, things suddenly became very bad. The beatings got worse, the sessions got worse, the lectures got worse. He wasn’t sure what he had done; to himself, he seemed the same as he always had. But it was as if the brothers’ collective patience with him were reaching some sort of end. Even Brothers David and Peter, who loaned him books, as many as he wanted, seemed less inclined to speak to him. “Go away, Jude,” said Brother David, when he came to talk to him about a book of Greek myths the brother had given him. “I don’t want to look at you now.”

后來，因?yàn)橐恍┧冀K無法斷定的原因（連他成年后都搞不清楚），事態(tài)忽然急轉(zhuǎn)直下。修士們打他打得更兇，上課的狀況惡化，訓(xùn)誡也更嚴(yán)厲。他不確定自己做了什么，對(duì)他自己而言，他好像一直是老樣子。但修士們對(duì)他的耐心似乎快用光了。就連向來無限制借他書的戴維修士和彼得修士，好像都不太想跟他講話了?！白唛_，裘德。”戴維修士說——當(dāng)時(shí)他去找修士，想跟他談一本修士給他的希臘神話——“我現(xiàn)在不想看到你?！?

　 Increasingly he was becoming convinced that they were going to get rid of him, and he was terrified, because the monastery was the only home he had ever had. How would he survive, what would he do, in the outside world, which the brothers had told him was full of dangers and temptations? He could work, he knew that; he knew how to garden, and how to cook, and how to clean: maybe he could get a job doing one of those things. Maybe someone else might take him in. If that happened, he reassured himself, he would be better. He wouldn’t make any of the mistakes he had made with the brothers.

他越來越相信他們打算擺脫他。這把他嚇壞了，因?yàn)樾薜涝菏撬猩詠砦ㄒ坏募?。修士們都跟他說外面的世界充滿危險(xiǎn)和誘惑，離開了修道院，他要怎么存活，他要做什么？他知道他可以工作；他會(huì)園藝、會(huì)做菜，也會(huì)打掃，或許他可以找到做這類事情的工作。或許有別人愿意收留他。如果是這樣，他向自己一再保證，他會(huì)更乖的。他對(duì)這些修士犯下的錯(cuò)誤，絕對(duì)不會(huì)重演。

　 “Do you know how much it costs to take care of you?” Brother Michael had asked him one day. “I don’t think we ever thought we’d have you around for this long.” He hadn’t known what to say to either of those statements, and so had sat staring dumbly at the desk. “You should apologize,” Brother Michael told him.

“你知道為了照顧你，要花多少錢嗎？”邁克修士有天上課上到一半問他，“我不認(rèn)為我們當(dāng)初想到你會(huì)待這么久。”這兩句話他不知該怎么回應(yīng)，只是坐在那里，呆呆地瞪著書桌。“你應(yīng)該道歉?！边~克修士告訴他。

　 “I’m sorry,” he whispered.

“對(duì)不起?！彼吐曊f。

　 Now he was so tired that he didn’t have strength even to go to the greenhouse. Now after his classes he went down to a corner of the cellar, where Brother Pavel had told him there were rats but Brother Matthew said there weren’t, and climbed onto one of the wire storage units where boxes of oil and pasta and sacks of flour were stored, and rested, waiting until the bell rang and he had to go back upstairs. At dinners, he avoided Brother Luke, and when the brother smiled at him, he turned away. He knew for certain now that he wasn’t the boy Brother Luke thought he was—joyful? funny?—and he was ashamed of himself, of how he had deceived Luke, somehow.

現(xiàn)在他累到連去溫室的力氣都沒有了。只要一上完課，他就跑到地窖的一個(gè)角落里，帕維爾修士以前跟他說那里有老鼠，但馬修修士說沒有。他會(huì)爬到那些堆放成箱食物油、意大利面和一袋袋面粉的儲(chǔ)藏網(wǎng)架上休息，等到鈴聲響起才上樓去。晚餐時(shí)間他都躲著盧克修士。如果修士朝他微笑，他就別過頭去不理不睬。他現(xiàn)在確定自己不是盧克修士認(rèn)為的那個(gè)男孩了（歡樂？滑稽？），而且他以自己為恥，也為自己欺騙了盧克而感到羞愧。

　 He had been avoiding Luke for a little more than a week when one day he went down to his hiding place and saw the brother there, waiting for him. He looked for somewhere to hide, but there was nowhere, and instead he began to cry, turning his face to the wall and apologizing as he did.

他躲了盧克一個(gè)多星期。有一天，他到地窖里的躲藏處，看到盧克在那里等著他。他想找個(gè)地方躲起來，但那里沒有地方可以躲，于是他轉(zhuǎn)向墻壁哭了起來，一邊哭一邊道歉。

　 “Jude, it’s all right,” said Brother Luke, and stood near him, patting him on the back. “It’s all right, it’s all right.” The brother sat on the cellar steps. “Come here, come sit next to me,” he said, but he shook his head, too embarrassed to do so. “Then at least sit down,” said Luke, and he did, leaning against the wall. Luke stood, then, and began looking through the boxes on one of the high shelves, until he retrieved something from one and held it out to him: a glass bottle of apple juice.

“裘德，沒事的，”盧克修士說，走上前來拍著他的背，“沒事的，沒事的?！毙奘吭诘亟雅_(tái)階上坐下?！斑^來，坐在我旁邊?！毙奘空f。但他搖頭，因?yàn)樘y為情而沒有過去?！澳侵辽僮聛戆??！北R克說。于是他坐下，靠在墻上。然后盧克站起來，開始檢視某個(gè)高處網(wǎng)架的箱子，取出一個(gè)東西遞給他：玻璃瓶裝的蘋果汁。

　 “I can’t,” he said, instantly. He wasn’t supposed to be in the cellar at all: he entered it through the small window on the side and then climbed down the wire shelves. Brother Pavel was in charge of the stores and counted them every week; if something was missing, he’d be blamed. He always was.

“我不能喝?！彼R上說。他根本不該出現(xiàn)在地窖里，他是從側(cè)邊的小窗鉆進(jìn)來，再爬下網(wǎng)架的。帕維爾修士負(fù)責(zé)管理倉庫，每周都會(huì)清點(diǎn)；要是少了東西，被責(zé)怪的一定是他，一如往常。

　 “Don’t worry, Jude,” said the brother. “I’ll replace it. Go on—take it,” and finally, after some coaxing, he did. The juice was sweet as syrup, and he was torn between sipping it, to make it last, and gulping it, in case the brother changed his mind and it was taken from him.

“別擔(dān)心，裘德，”修士說，“我會(huì)買新的補(bǔ)回去。來，拿去吧?！苯K于，在修士的好言勸慰下，他接過來。那果汁甜得像糖漿，他想慢慢喝，喝久一點(diǎn)，又想大口喝掉，免得修士改變心意把果汁收回去。

　 After he had finished, they sat in silence, and then the brother said, in a low voice, “Jude—what they do to you: it’s not right. They shouldn’t be doing that to you; they shouldn’t be hurting you,” and he almost started crying again. “I would never hurt you, Jude, you know that, don’t you?” and he was able to look at Luke, at his long, kind, worried face, with his short gray beard and his glasses that made his eyes look even larger, and nod.

他喝完后，他們默默坐在那里，修士低聲說：“裘德，他們對(duì)你做的事是不對(duì)的。他們不該對(duì)你那樣，他們不該傷害你?！彼铧c(diǎn)又哭起來。“裘德，我永遠(yuǎn)不會(huì)傷害你，你知道吧？”他這才有辦法看著盧克，看著他仁慈、憂慮的長臉、他短短的灰色絡(luò)腮胡、讓他的大眼顯得更大的眼鏡，然后點(diǎn)點(diǎn)頭。

　 “I know, Brother Luke,” he said.

“我知道，盧克修士?！彼f。

　 Brother Luke was quiet for a long time before he spoke next. “Do you know, Jude, that before I came here, to the monastery, I had a son? You remind me so much of him. I loved him so much. But he died, and then I came here.”

盧克修士安靜了許久，才繼續(xù)說：“裘德，你知道嗎，我來這里之前，來修道院之前，我有一個(gè)兒子。你常常讓我想起他。我很愛他。但是他死了，之后我就來這里了?！?

　 He didn’t know what to say, but he didn’t have to say anything, it seemed, because Brother Luke kept talking.

他不知道該說什么，但感覺上，他似乎什么都不必說，因?yàn)楸R克修士一直講個(gè)不停。