《渺小一生》:但如果得等我好幾個月呢？

　 Willem had smiled. “I enjoy it, yes,” he said, “but I don’t need it.” He smiled again. “My dentist will be thrilled.”

威廉微笑。“我是很喜歡咖啡，沒錯，”他說，“但是我并不需要它。”他再度微笑，“我的牙醫(yī)肯定高興死了。”

　 Also in that first month, he had talked to Willem about sex. They had these conversations at night, in bed, when it was easier to say things. He had always associated night with cutting, but now it was becoming about something else—those talks with Willem in a darkened room, when he was less self-conscious about touching him, and where he could see every one of Willem’s features and yet was also able to pretend that Willem couldn’t see his.

同樣在第一個月，他告訴威廉關于性愛的事。他們的交談都是在夜里、躺在床上時，這樣要講事情比較容易。他總是把夜晚和割自己聯(lián)系在一起，但現(xiàn)在夜晚變成別的——在黑暗的房間里跟威廉談話，此時碰觸他比較不會讓他難為情，而且可以看清威廉的五官，同時又可以假裝威廉看不到他。

　 “Do you want to have sex someday?” he asked him one night, and even as he was saying it, he heard how stupid he sounded.

“你希望有一天有性生活嗎？”他有天晚上問。即使問出口的時候，他已經知道聽起來有多愚蠢。

　 But Willem didn’t laugh at him. “Yes,” he said, “I’d like to.”

但威廉沒笑他。“是的，”他說，“我很希望。”

　 He nodded. Willem waited. “It’s going to take me a while,” he said, at last.

他點點頭。威廉等著。“我需要一點時間。”他終于說出口。

　 “That’s okay,” Willem said. “I’ll wait.”

“沒關系，”威廉回道，“我可以等。”

　 “But what if it takes me months?”

“但如果得等我好幾個月呢？”

　 “Then it’ll take months,” Willem said.

“那就等幾個月。”威廉說。

　 He thought about that. “What if it takes longer?” he asked, quietly.

他又想了想。“那如果要等更久呢？”他小聲問。

　 Willem had reached over and touched the side of his face. “Then it will,” he said.

威廉伸手過來，摸著他的側臉。“那就等更久。”他說。

　 They were quiet for a long time. “What’re you going to do in the meantime?” he asked, and Willem laughed. “I do have some self-control, Jude,” he said, smiling at him. “I know this comes as a shock to you, but I can go for stretches without having sex.”

兩個人都沉默了好一會兒。“那這期間你要怎么辦？”他問。威廉笑了。“我還是有點自制力的，裘德，”他說，朝他微笑，“我知道這對你來說很震撼，但我也可以很久沒有性生活。”

　 “I didn’t mean anything,” he began, remorseful, but Willem grabbed him and kissed him, noisily, on the cheek. “I’m kidding,” he said. “It’s okay, Jude. You’ll take as long as you need.”

“我沒有別的意思。”他再度開口，后悔極了，但威廉抓住他，響亮地吻了他的臉頰。“我是開玩笑的啦，”他說，“沒關系，裘德。你要花多少時間都沒問題。”

　 And so they still haven’t had sex, and sometimes he is even able to convince himself that maybe they never will. But in the meantime, he has grown to enjoy, to crave even, Willem’s physicality, his affection, which is so easy and natural and spontaneous that it makes him feel easier and more spontaneous as well. Willem sleeps on the left side of the bed, and he on the right, and the first night they slept in the same bed, he turned to his right on his side, the way he always did, and Willem pressed up against him, tucking his right arm under his neck and then across his shoulders, and his left arm around his stomach, moving his legs between his legs. He was surprised by this, but once he overcame his initial discomfort, he found he liked it, that it was like being swaddled.

于是他們一直沒有性生活，有時他甚至說服自己，或許他們永遠不會有。但同時他也越來越享受，甚至渴望威廉的身體接觸，以及他的關愛，那么輕松自然又隨性，讓他也跟著感到更輕松更隨性了。威廉睡在床的左側，他睡在右側。他們睡在同一張床的那一夜，他轉向右邊那一側，威廉靠過來貼著他，把右手塞到他的脖子底下，橫過他的肩膀，然后左手抱著他的肚子，雙腿塞進他的腿間。他對這個舉動很驚訝，但一旦克服了一開始的不安，他就發(fā)現(xiàn)自己喜歡這樣，就像被抱在襁褓中。

　 One night in June, however, Willem didn’t do it, and he worried he had done something wrong. The next morning—early mornings were the other time they talked about things that seemed too tender, too difficult, to be said in the daylight—he asked Willem if he was upset with him, and Willem, looking surprised, said no, of course not.

然而，六月的一個夜晚，威廉沒這樣抱著他，他擔心自己做錯了什么。次日早上（清晨是另一個談話時段，讓他們談一些似乎太微妙、太艱難，無法在大白天談的事情），他問威廉自己是不是惹他不高興了，威廉一臉驚訝地說沒有，當然沒有。

　 “I just wondered,” he began, stammering, “because last night you didn’t—” But he couldn’t finish the sentence; he was too embarrassed.

“我只是很好奇，”他說，結結巴巴的，“因為你昨天晚上沒有……”但是他講不下去，太難為情了。

　 But then he could see Willem’s expression clear, and he rolled into him and wrapped his arms around him. “This?” he asked, and he nodded. “It was just because it was so hot last night,” Willem said, and he waited for Willem to laugh at him, but he didn’t. “That’s the only reason, Judy.” Since then, Willem has held him in the same way every night, even through July, when not even the air-conditioning could erase the heaviness from the air, and when they both woke damp with sweat. This, he realizes, is what he wanted from a relationship all along. This is what he meant when he hoped he might someday be touched. Sometimes Caleb had hugged him, briefly, and he always had to resist the impulse to ask him to do it again, and for longer. But now, here it is: all the physical contact that he knows exists between healthy people who love each other and are having sex, without the dreaded sex itself.

這時他看到威廉一臉恍然大悟，靠過來用雙手抱住他。“這個？”威廉問，他點點頭。“那是因為昨天夜里太熱了。”威廉說。他等著威廉笑他，但結果沒有。“那是唯一的原因，小裘。”從此以后，威廉每天晚上都會用同樣的姿勢抱他，即使到了七月，連冷氣都沒法消除空氣中的悶熱，兩個人渾身大汗地熱醒。這個，他明白，就是他一直想從伴侶關系中得到的。他希望自己有一天能被碰觸的意思就是這個。以前凱萊布有時會擁抱他，很短暫，而他總得壓抑想要他再抱一次、抱更久的沖動。但現(xiàn)在，所有他知道存在于彼此相愛且有性生活的健康成人之間的身體接觸他全都有了，而且還不必恐懼性交本身。

　 He cannot bring himself to initiate contact with Willem, nor ask for it, but he waits for it, for every time that Willem grabs his arm as he passes him in the living room and pulls him close to kiss him, or comes up behind him as he stands at the stove and puts his arms around him in the same position—chest, stomach—that he does in bed. He has always admired how physical JB and Willem are, both with each other and with everyone around them; he knew they knew not to do it with him, and as grateful as he was for their carefulness with him, it sometimes made him wistful: he sometimes wished they would disobey him, that they would lay claim to him with the same friendly confidence they did with everyone else. But they never did.

他無法主動碰觸威廉，也沒辦法開口要求威廉碰他，但他期待每回在起居室經過威廉身邊時，威廉會抓住他一只手臂，把他拉近了吻他，或是他站在廚房爐子前，威廉從后頭走近，雙臂圈住他的胸部或腹部，就跟在床上擁抱時位置相同。他以前向來欣賞杰比和威廉善于利用身體傳達情感，對彼此、對身邊所有人都是如此。他知道他們清楚不能對他這樣，盡管他很感激他們對自己很謹慎，但有時這也會讓他傷感。他真希望他們偶爾違抗他，用對待其他人時友善的信心擁抱他或碰觸他。但他們從來不會。

　 It took him three months, until the end of August, to finally take off his clothes in front of Willem. Every night he came to bed in his long-sleeve T-shirt and sweatpants, and every night Willem came to bed in his underwear. “Is this uncomfortable for you?” Willem asked, and he shook his head, even though it was—uncomfortable, but not entirely unwelcome. Every day the month before, he promised himself: he would take off his clothes and be done with it. He would do it that night, because he had to do it at some point. But that was as far as his imagination would let him proceed; he couldn’t think about what Willem’s reaction might be, or what he might do the following day. And then night would come, and they would be in bed, and his resolve would fail him.

他花了三個月，直到八月底，他才終于有辦法在威廉面前脫衣服。每天晚上他都穿著長袖T恤和運動褲上床睡覺，威廉則只穿著內褲睡覺。“你這樣不會不舒服嗎？”威廉問。他搖搖頭，其實不舒服，但他也不完全討厭。頭一個月，他每天都對自己承諾：他會脫掉衣服，從此就不穿著上床了。他這天晚上就打算這樣，因為他早晚得這么做。但他的想象力只能到此為止。他無法想象威廉的反應會是如何，也不知道次日他會怎么做。到了晚上，他們躺在床上時，他的決心又崩解了。

　 One night, Willem reached beneath his shirt and put his hands on his back, and he yanked himself away so forcefully that he fell off the bed. “I’m sorry,” he told Willem, “I’m sorry,” and he climbed back in, keeping himself just at the edge of the mattress.

某天晚上，威廉把手伸到他的T恤底下，兩手放在他的背部。他趕緊躲開，用力到整個人都掉下床去。“對不起，”他告訴威廉，“對不起。”然后爬回床上，始終緊靠著床墊邊緣。

　 They were quiet, the two of them. He lay on his back and stared at the chandelier. “You know, Jude,” Willem said at last. “I have seen you without your shirt on.”

兩人沉默了一會兒。他仰天躺著，瞪著吊燈。“你知道嗎，裘德，”威廉終于說了，“我看過你沒穿襯衫的樣子。”