《渺小一生》:今天晚上先別打擾他吧

　 They had decided to tell just a few people about their relationship. First they told Harold and Julia, which was the most rewarding and enjoyable reveal, although Jude had been very nervous for some reason. This had been just a couple of weeks ago, at Thanksgiving, and they had both been so happy, so excited, and they had both hugged him and Harold had cried, a little, while Jude sat on the sofa and watched the three of them, a small smile on his face.

他們之前已經(jīng)決定把兩人的關系告訴少數(shù)幾個朋友。首先，他們告訴哈羅德和朱麗婭，這是最能得到正面響應、最令人愉快的告白，雖然裘德出于某些原因一直很緊張。那不過是兩周前感恩節(jié)假期的事，哈羅德和朱麗婭很高興、很興奮，兩個人都抱了他，哈羅德還哭了。裘德坐在沙發(fā)上，看著他們三個，一抹淡淡的笑容掛在臉上。

　 Then they told Richard, who hadn’t been as surprised as they’d anticipated. “I think this is a fantastic idea,” he’d said, firmly, as if they’d announced they were investing in a piece of property together. He hugged them both. “Good job,” he said. “Good job, Willem,” and he knew what Richard was trying to communicate to him: the same thing he had tried to communicate to Richard when he told him, years ago, that Jude needed somewhere safe to live, when really, he was asking Richard to look over Jude when he could not.

然后他們告訴理查德。他不像他們預期中那么驚訝。“我覺得這樣太棒了。”他堅定地說，仿佛他們剛剛宣布兩人要一起投資一件房地產。他擁抱了他們兩個?！疤昧?，”他說，“做得太好了，威廉?！彼美聿榈略噲D跟他傳達的訊息。就像他幾年前告訴理查德，裘德需要一個安全的住處，但其實他試圖傳達的是：請理查德在他沒辦法時幫忙照看裘德。

　 Then they told Malcolm and JB, separately. First, Malcolm, who they thought would either be shocked or sanguine, and who had turned out to be the latter. “I’m so happy for you guys,” he said, beaming at them both. “This is so great. I love the idea of you two together.” He asked them how it had happened, and how long ago, and, teasingly, what they’d discovered about the other that they hadn’t known before. (The two of them had glanced at each other then—if only Malcolm knew!—and had said nothing, which Malcolm had smiled at, as if it was evidence of a rich cache of sordid secrets that he would someday unearth.) And then he’d sighed. “I’m just sad about one thing, though,” he’d said, and they had asked him what it was. “Your apartment, Willem,” he said. “It’s so beautiful. It must be so lonely by itself.” Somehow, they had managed not to laugh, and he had reassured Malcolm that he was actually renting it to a friend of his, an actor from Spain who had been shooting a project in Manhattan and had decided to stay on for another year or so.

然后他們分別告訴馬爾科姆和杰比。先是馬爾科姆，他們認為他要不是很震驚，就是很樂觀，結果是后者?！拔艺嫣婺銈儍蓚€高興，”他說，滿面笑容地看著他們，“這真是太棒了，我很高興你們兩個在一起?！彼麊査麄兪窃趺窗l(fā)生的，多久以前發(fā)生的，還取笑地問他們是否發(fā)現(xiàn)了彼此以前不知道的事情（他們兩個互看一眼——還好馬爾科姆不知道！——但什么都沒說。馬爾科姆一笑置之，好似知道他們有一堆骯臟的小秘密，總有一天他會挖出來）。接著馬爾科姆嘆了口氣?！爸皇怯幸患挛液茈y過。”他說。他們問他什么事?！澳愕墓?，威廉，”馬爾科姆說，“我裝潢得那么漂亮。現(xiàn)在沒人住，一定很孤單。”他們兩個設法忍著沒笑出來。接著他跟馬爾科姆保證，他其實已經(jīng)把那里租給一個朋友了，是來自西班牙的一個男星，之前在曼哈頓拍電影，拍完后決定留下來待一年。

　 JB was trickier, as they’d known he would be: they knew he would feel betrayed, and neglected, and possessive, and that all of these feelings would be exacerbated by the fact that he and Oliver had recently split up after more than four years. They took him out to dinner, where there was less of a chance (though, as Jude pointed out, no guarantee) that he would make a scene, and Jude—around whom JB was still slightly careful and to whom JB was less likely to say something inappropriate—delivered the news. They watched as JB put his fork down and put his head in his hands. “I feel sick,” he said, and they waited until he looked up and said, “But I’m really happy for you guys,” before they exhaled. JB forked into his burrata. “I mean, I’m pissed that you didn’t tell me earlier, but happy.” The entrées came, and JB stabbed at his sea bass. “I mean, I’m actually really pissed. But. I. Am. Happy.” By the time dessert arrived, it was clear that JB—who was frantically spooning up his guava soufflé—was highly agitated, and they kicked each other under the table, half on the verge of hysterics, half genuinely concerned that JB might erupt right there in the restaurant.

至于杰比就比較棘手了，兩個人都知道他會有什么反應：他會覺得被背叛、被忽視。他占有欲特別強，加上他跟交往四年多的男友奧利弗剛分手，這些感覺又會更惡化。他們找他出來吃晚餐，這樣他比較不會當眾大發(fā)脾氣（不過一如裘德指出的，也不能完全保證），并且由裘德說出這個消息——有他在場，杰比還是比較小心，比較不會說出什么不恰當?shù)脑?。他們看著杰比放下叉子，臉埋進雙手里?！拔液孟胪??！彼f。好不容易才等到他抬起頭，說：“但是我真的很替你們高興。”兩個人這才松了一口氣。杰比回去叉著他的布拉塔奶酪：“我的意思是，我很不爽你們沒有更早告訴我，但是我很高興?！敝鞑松蟻砹?，杰比叉著他的海鱸魚：“我的意思是，我真的很火大。不過。我，很，高，興?！钡鹊教瘘c上來，杰比顯然非常激動（亂挖著他的巧克力熔巖舒芙蕾）。他們在桌子底下互相踢腳，一半是瀕臨歇斯底里，一半是真的擔心杰比可能在餐廳里當場爆發(fā)。

　 After dinner they stood outside and Willem and JB had a smoke and they discussed JB’s upcoming show, his fifth, and his students at Yale, where JB had been teaching for the past few years: a momentary truce that was ruined by some girl coming up to him (“Can I get a picture with you?”), at which JB made a sound that was somewhere between a snort and a groan. Later, back at Greene Street, he and Jude did laugh: at JB’s befuddlement, at his attempts at graciousness, which had clearly cost him, at his consistent and consistently applied self-absorption. “Poor JB,” Jude said. “I thought his head was going to blow off.” He sighed. “But I understand it. He’s always been in love with you, Willem.”

晚餐后，他們站在餐廳外頭，威廉和杰比抽著煙，三個人討論杰比即將舉行的第五次個展，還有他在耶魯大學的學生（杰比最近幾年在那里教書）。結果這個短暫的休戰(zhàn)狀態(tài)被走向他的一個年輕女郎打斷（“可以跟你拍張照嗎？”），杰比發(fā)出介于冷哼和抱怨之間的聲音。后來在走回格林街的路上，他和裘德都大笑了：笑杰比很慌亂，還試圖表現(xiàn)大方，顯然很吃力；還笑他始終如一的專心致志。“可憐的杰比，”裘德說，“我還以為他的腦袋就要炸掉了?！彼麌@口氣，“但是我能理解。他一直愛著你，威廉?！?

　 “Not like that,” he said.

“才不呢?！彼f。

　 Jude looked at him. “Now who can’t see themselves for who they are?” he asked, because that was what Willem was always telling him: that Jude’s vision, his version of himself was singular to the point of being delusional.

裘德看著他?！艾F(xiàn)在是誰看不清楚自己了？”他問，因為威廉總是這么告訴他，說裘德對自己的看法，根本是自己胡思亂想出來的。

　 He sighed, too. “I should call him,” he said.

他也嘆氣?！拔以摯螂娫捊o他?！彼f。

　 “Leave him alone tonight,” Jude said. “He’ll call you when he’s ready.”

“今天晚上先別打擾他吧，”裘德說，“等他準備好了，自然會打給你的?！?

　 And so he had. That Sunday, JB had come over to Greene Street, and Jude had let him in and then had excused himself, saying he had work to do, and closed himself in his study so Willem and JB could be alone. For the next two hours, Willem had sat and listened as JB delivered a disorganized roundelay whose many accusations and questions were punctuated by his refrain of “But I really am happy for you.” JB was angry: that Willem hadn’t told him earlier, that he hadn’t even consulted him, that they had told Malcolm and Richard—Richard!—before him. JB was upset: Willem could tell him the truth; he’d always liked Jude more, hadn’t he? Why couldn’t he just admit it? Also, had he always felt this way? Were his years of fucking women just some colossal lie that Willem had created to distract them? JB was jealous: he got the attraction to Jude, he did, and he knew it was illogical and maybe a tiny bit self-involved, but it wouldn’t be truthful if he didn’t tell Willem that part of him was miffed that Willem had picked Jude and not him.

于是他等著。那個星期天，杰比來格林街公寓拜訪，裘德開了門就告退，說他還有工作要忙，然后把自已關在書房里面，讓威廉和杰比單獨談談。接下來兩小時，威廉坐在那里聽杰比講一堆亂七八糟、兜來轉去的話，許多控訴和問題中間都穿插著“但是我真的很替你們高興”。杰比很生氣：氣威廉沒有更早告訴他，氣威廉甚至沒找他商量，氣他們竟然先告訴馬爾科姆和理查德（理查德?。?。杰比很心煩：威廉可以跟他說實話的啊；他一直比較偏愛裘德，不是嗎？他干嗎不承認就好了呢？另外，他是不是一直對裘德有這種感覺？他這么多年跟女人上床，是不是只是用來擾亂他人想法的漫天大謊？杰比很嫉妒：他明白裘德的吸引力，他真的明白，而且他知道這樣講不合邏輯，或許還有點自我中心，但如果要他誠實一點，那么他得告訴威廉，一部分的他對于威廉選了裘德而非他，的確有點不高興。

　 “JB,” he said, again and again, “it was very organic. I didn’t tell you because I needed time to figure it out in my own head. And as for being attracted to you, what can I say? I’m not. And you aren’t attracted to me, either! We made out once, remember? You said it was a huge turnoff for you, remember?”

“杰比，”他說，一次又一次，“那個感覺是逐漸發(fā)展出來的。我沒告訴你，是因為我需要時間先搞清楚。至于被你吸引，我能說什么？我就是沒有。你也沒被我吸引啊！我們還親熱過一次，記得嗎？你說害你很倒胃口，記得嗎？”

　 JB ignored all this, however. “I still don’t understand why you told Malcolm and Richard first,” he said, sullenly, to which Willem had no response. “Anyway,” JB said, after a silence, “I really am happy for you two. I am.”

然而杰比根本不管?！拔疫€是不懂你為什么先告訴馬爾科姆和理查德。”他悶悶不樂地說。威廉沒回答。“總之，”杰比沉默了一會兒說，“我真的很替你們兩個高興。真的?！?

　 He sighed. “Thank you, JB,” he said. “That means a lot.” They were both quiet again.

他嘆氣?！爸x謝你，杰比，”他說，“這對我們來說意義重大?！彼麄冊俣瘸聊聛?。

　 “JB,” said Jude, coming out of his study, looking surprised that JB was still there. “Do you want to stay for dinner?”

“杰比，”裘德從書房走出來，一副很驚訝杰比還在的表情，“你要不要留下來一起吃晚飯？”

　 “What’re you having?”

“你們要吃什么？”

　 “Cod. And I’ll roast some potatoes the way you like them.”

“鱈魚。另外我會烤一些馬鈴薯，就是你喜歡的那種做法?！?

　 “I guess,” JB said, sulkily, and Willem grinned at Jude over JB’s head.

“那好吧?！苯鼙日f，還是板著臉。威廉隔著杰比的頭，在上方對裘德咧嘴笑。

　 He joined Jude in the kitchen and began making a salad, and JB slumped to the dining-room table and started flipping through a novel Jude had left there. “I read this,” he called over to him. “Do you want to know what happens in the end?”

他到廚房幫裘德做沙拉，杰比則跨坐在餐桌前，翻著一本裘德留在那的小說?！斑@本我看過?！彼麑χ麄兒?，“你想知道結局是什么嗎？”

　 “No, JB,” said Jude. “I’m only halfway through.”

“不要，杰比，”裘德說，“我才看了一半。”

　 “The minister character dies after all.”

“那個部長最后還是死了?！?