《渺小一生》:這兩種跟威廉的談話他都喜歡

　 And so Jude began, and he followed, and he made it through without going sharp. And at the end of the song, just after the last note, Jude immediately began singing the next song on the list, “For Unto Us a Child Is Born,” and after that, “Good King Wenceslas,” and again and again, Willem followed. His voice wasn’t as full as Jude’s, but he could tell in those moments that it was good enough, that it was maybe better than good enough: he could tell it sounded better with Jude’s, and he closed his eyes and let himself appreciate it.

于是裘德開始唱，他跟著，一路唱完都沒有走音。才唱完最后一個音符，裘德立刻又開始唱歌單上的下一首《圣嬰為我們降生》，之后是《好國王文薩雷斯》，威廉一次又一次跟著唱。他的嗓音不像裘德那么圓潤，但在那些時刻他聽起來也算及格，說不定還超過了及格：他聽得出自己的嗓音伴隨著裘德的，聽起來更好了，于是他閉上眼睛專心享受。

　 They were still singing when the doorbell chimed with their breakfast, but as he was standing, Jude put his hand on his wrist, and they remained there, Jude sitting, he standing, until they had sung the last words of the song, and only after they had finished did he go to answer the door. Around him, the room was redolent of the unknown herb he’d found, green and fresh and yet somehow familiar, like something he hadn’t known he had liked until it had appeared, suddenly and unexpectedly, in his life.

送早餐來的門鈴響時，他們還在唱，但他站在那里，裘德一手按著他的手腕，于是他們留在原處，裘德坐著，他站著，繼續(xù)唱完那首歌的最后幾個字，直到唱完了，他才去開門。在他周圍，房間里充滿了那不知名香草的芳香，翠綠而新鮮，但很熟悉，就像某種他原先沒意識到自己喜歡的東西突如其來地出現(xiàn)在他的生命中。

　 2

2

　 THE FIRST TIME Willem left him—this was some twenty months ago, two Januarys ago—everything went wrong. Within two weeks of Willem’s departure to Texas to begin filming Duets, he’d had three episodes with his back (including one at the office, and another, this one at home, that had lasted a full two hours). The pain in his feet returned. A cut (from what, he had no idea) opened up on his right calf. And yet it had all been fine. “You’re so damn cheerful about all of this,” Andy had said, when he was forced to make his second appointment with him in a week. “I’m suspicious.”

威廉第一次離開他時（大約是二十個月前、前年的一月），一切都出了錯。那時威廉去德州拍《二重唱》，才走了兩個星期，他的背痛就發(fā)作了三次（一次在辦公室，另一次在家里，持續(xù)了整整兩小時）；他的腳痛又回來了，右小腿出現(xiàn)了一道瘡（哪里來的他也不知道）。然而之前一切都好好的。他不得不在一星期內(nèi)去看安迪兩趟?！拔覒岩?，”安迪說，“你就是太得意忘形了?！?

　 “Oh, well,” he’d said, even though he could hardly speak because the pain was so intense. “It happens, right?” That night, though, as he lay in bed, he thanked his body for keeping itself in check, for controlling itself for so long. For those months he secretly thought of as his and Willem’s courtship, he hadn’t used his wheelchair once. His episodes had been seldom, and brief, and never in Willem’s presence. He knew it was silly—Willem knew what was wrong with him, he had seen him at his worst—but he was grateful that as the two of them were beginning to view each other in a different way, he had been allowed a period of reinvention, a spell of being able to impersonate an able-bodied person. So when he was returned to his normal state, he didn’t tell Willem about what had been happening to him—he was so bored by the subject that he couldn’t imagine anyone else wouldn’t be as well—and by the time Willem came home in March, he was more or less better, walking again, the wound once again mostly under control.

“啊，這……”他說，幾乎痛得講不出話來，“這難免吧？”那天晚上躺在床上時，他感謝自己的身體一直很乖，按捺了這么久。他私下認(rèn)定，在和威廉談戀愛的這幾個月，自己一次輪椅都沒用過。這段時間他的背痛很少發(fā)作，就算發(fā)作也很短暫，而且從來沒在威廉面前。他知道這樣很傻，因?yàn)橥浪惺裁疵?，見過他最慘的那一面；但他還是很慶幸在兩個人開始用不同的方式看待彼此時，自己能有一段重新創(chuàng)造的時期，扮演一個身體健全的人。所以他恢復(fù)正常狀態(tài)后，也沒告訴威廉自己發(fā)生了什么事（他太厭倦這個話題了，無法想象其他人不會有同樣的感覺）。等到威廉三月回紐約時，他多多少少好轉(zhuǎn)了，又能走路，小腿上的瘡也再度獲得控制了。

　 Since that first time, Willem has been gone for extended periods four additional times—twice for shooting, twice for publicity tours—and each time, sometimes the very day Willem left, his body had broken itself somehow. But he had appreciated its sense of timing, its courtesy: it was as if his body, before his mind, had decided for him that he should pursue this relationship, and had done its part by removing as many obstacles and embarrassments as possible.

自從那次去德州拍片，威廉又四度離家多日，兩次去拍片，兩次去巡回宣傳。每一次，有時甚至就在威廉離開那天，他的身體就會出狀況。但他很感謝自己的身體這么好心、這么會抓時機(jī)：仿佛他的身體搶在他的腦子之前，先替他決定他應(yīng)該經(jīng)營這段感情，而且盡責(zé)地設(shè)法移除種種障礙和尷尬。

　 Now it is mid-September, and Willem is preparing to leave again. As has become their ritual—ever since the Last Supper, a lifetime ago—they spend the Saturday before Willem’s departure having dinner somewhere extravagant and then the rest of the night talking. Sunday they sleep late into the morning, and Sunday afternoon, they review practicalities: things to be done while Willem is away, outstanding matters to be resolved, decisions to be made. Ever since their relationship has changed from what it had been into what it now is, their conversations have become both more intimate and more mundane, and that final weekend is always a perfect, condensed reflection of that: Saturday is for fears and secrets and confessions and remembrances; Sunday is for logistics, the daily mapmaking that keeps their life together inching along.

現(xiàn)在是九月中，威廉又準(zhǔn)備離開了。自從許久以前的“最后晚餐”之后，這就變成他們的例行儀式：每回威廉離開前的那個星期六，他們會找個奢華的地方吃晚餐，接下來聊一整晚。星期天早上他們會睡到很晚，下午會檢查一些實(shí)際的事務(wù)：威廉不在時要完成的事情，沒解決的事情要解決掉，還要做一些決定。他們的關(guān)系一路發(fā)展到今天，兩人之間的談話變得更親密，也變得更世俗，而離別前的最后一個周末總是能簡單扼要而完美地反映這種狀況：星期六是用于恐懼、秘密、告白和回憶，星期天則是用于后勤、日?；I劃，讓他們共同的生活正常運(yùn)轉(zhuǎn)。

　 He likes both types of conversations with Willem, but he appreciates the mundane ones more than he’d imagined he would. He had always felt bound to Willem by the big things—love; trust—but he likes being bound to him by the small things as well: bills and taxes and dental checkups. He is always reminded of a visit to Harold and Julia’s he’d made years ago, when he had come down with a terrible cold and had wound up spending most of the weekend on the living-room sofa, wrapped in a blanket and sliding in and out of sleep. That Saturday evening, they had watched a movie together, and at one point, Harold and Julia had begun talking about the Truro house’s kitchen renovation. He half dozed, listening to their quiet talk, which had been so dull that he couldn’t follow any of the details but had also filled him with a great sense of peace: it had seemed to him the ideal expression of an adult relationship, to have someone with whom you could discuss the mechanics of a shared existence.

這兩種跟威廉的談話他都喜歡，但他對世俗部分的欣賞程度遠(yuǎn)超過他原先的想象。他總是覺得自己在一些大事上和威廉緊密相連，例如愛情、信賴，但他也喜歡在小事上面和他緊密相連，像是賬單、稅務(wù)、定期看牙醫(yī)。他總是想起幾年前有次去哈羅德和朱麗婭家，當(dāng)時他嚴(yán)重感冒，那個周末大部分的時間都倒在客廳沙發(fā)上，裹著毯子斷斷續(xù)續(xù)睡覺。那個星期六晚上，他們一起看電影，中間哈羅德和朱麗婭討論起特魯羅房子的廚房整修工程。他半瞌睡、半清醒地聽著他們小聲交談，那些內(nèi)容無聊到他根本聽不懂大部分細(xì)節(jié)，但也感覺到一種莫大的平靜。對他而言，這似乎就是成年伴侶關(guān)系的理想表現(xiàn)，有個人可以跟你討論共同生活中的種種例行瑣事。

　 “So I left a message with the tree guy and told him you’re going to call this week, right?” Willem asks. They are in the bedroom, doing the last of Willem’s packing.

“我留話給那個園藝公司了，跟他說你這星期會打電話過去，對吧？”威廉問。此時他們在臥室?guī)屯帐白詈笠慌欣睢?

　 “Right,” he says. “I wrote myself a note to call him tomorrow.”

“對，”他說，“我也寫了字條。提醒自己明天打給他?！?

　 “And I told Mal you’d go up with him to the site next weekend, you know.”

“另外我跟馬爾說你下個周末會跟他一起北上去工地那邊，你知道。”

　 “I know,” he says. “I have it in my schedule.”

“我知道，”他說，“我已經(jīng)排進(jìn)行事歷了?！?

　 Willem has been dropping stacks of clothes into his bag as he talks, but now he stops and looks at him. “I feel bad,” he says. “I’m leaving you with so much stuff.”

威廉本來一邊講話，還一邊把一堆堆衣服放進(jìn)旅行袋，但這會兒他停下來看著他。“我感覺好糟糕，”他說，“把這么多事情丟給你。”

　 “Don’t,” he says. “It’s not a problem, I swear.” Most of the scheduling in their lives is handled by Willem’s assistant, by his secretaries: but they are managing the details of the house upstate themselves. They never discussed how this happened, but he senses it’s important for them both to be able to participate in the creation and witness of this place they are building together, the first place they will have built together since Lispenard Street.

“別這樣，”他說，“一點(diǎn)也不麻煩，我發(fā)誓?！彼麄兩钪写蟛糠值男谐潭际怯赏闹砗退拿貢鴤儼才?；但是紐約州北部那棟房子的種種細(xì)節(jié)，則是由他們親自打理。他們從沒討論過要這樣，但他感覺兩人都參與建造這棟房子、見證他們一起建立這個地方是很重要的，這是從利斯本納街的那戶公寓之后，他們聯(lián)手打造的第一個地方。

　 Willem sighs. “But you’re so busy,” he says.

威廉嘆氣?！翱墒悄氵@么忙?！彼f。

　 “Don’t worry,” he says. “Really, Willem. I can handle it,” although Willem continues to look worried.

“別擔(dān)心，”他說，“真的，威廉。我應(yīng)付得來?！蓖€是一臉憂慮。

　 That night, they lie awake. For as long as he has known Willem, he has always had the same feeling the day before he leaves, when even as he speaks to Willem he is already anticipating how much he’ll miss him when he’s gone. Now that they are actually, physically together, that feeling has, curiously, intensified; now he is so used to Willem’s presence that his absence feels more profound, more debilitating. “You know what else we have to talk about,” Willem says, and when he doesn’t say anything, Willem pushes down his sleeve and holds his left wrist, loosely, in his hand. “I want you to promise me,” Willem says.

那天夜里，他躺在床上沒睡著。打從他認(rèn)識威廉以來，每回他要離開，他總有同樣的感覺，就連跟威廉講話時，他都能預(yù)料到他離開后自己會多想念他?，F(xiàn)在他們真的、實(shí)際在一起了，奇怪的是，那種感覺反倒更為強(qiáng)烈；如今他已經(jīng)很習(xí)慣有威廉在場，所以他的缺席變得更巨大，更令人軟弱無力?！澳阒牢覀冞€有件事情要談?！蓖f，等到他不吭聲，威廉就拉下他的袖子，輕輕握住他的左手腕。“我要你答應(yīng)我。”威廉說。

　 “I swear,” he says. “I will.” Next to him, Willem releases his arm and rolls onto his back, and they are quiet.

“我發(fā)誓，”他說，“我會的?！痹谒砼裕砰_他的手，翻身仰躺，兩人都不說話。

　 “We’re both tired,” Willem yawns, and they are: in less than two years, Willem has been reclassified as gay; Lucien has retired from the firm and he has taken over as the chair of the litigation department; and they are building a house in the country, eighty minutes north of the city. When they are together on the weekends—and when Willem is home, he too tries to be, going into the office even earlier on the weekdays so he doesn’t have to stay as late on Saturdays—they sometimes spend the early evening simply lying together on the sofa in the living room, not speaking, as around them the light leaves the room. Sometimes they go out, but far less frequently than they used to.

“我們都累了?！蓖蛄藗€呵欠說。的確，才不到兩年，威廉被重新歸類為同性戀者；呂西安從事務(wù)所退休，他接任了訴訟部門的主管位置；而他們要在紐約州北邊、離紐約市八十分鐘車程的鄉(xiāng)下蓋一棟房子。他們一起共度周末時（威廉在家時，他也設(shè)法留在家里，工作日更早去上班，這樣周末就不必留到那么晚了），有些傍晚，他們只是一起躺在起居室的沙發(fā)上，不講話，看著周圍的光線逐漸消失。有時他們會出門，但頻率遠(yuǎn)比以前低。

　 “The transition to lesbiandom took much less time than I anticipated,” JB observed one evening when they had him and his new boyfriend, Fredrik, over for dinner, along with Malcolm and Sophie and Richard and India and Andy and Jane.

“轉(zhuǎn)到女同性戀領(lǐng)域所花的時間，比我預(yù)期的短很多。”杰比有天晚上這么評論道。那天，他們邀請他和他的新男友弗雷德里克過來吃晚餐，另外還有馬爾科姆和蘇菲、理查德和印蒂亞，以及安迪和簡。