《渺小一生》:有什么差別？那個聲音兇回來

　 What’s the difference? the voice snapped back. They both want the same thing from you. You’re the same thing to them in the end.

有什么差別？那個聲音兇回來。他們都想從你身上得到同樣的東西。到頭來，你對他們都是一樣的。

　 Eventually his fear of the process diminished, though not his dread. He had always known that Willem enjoyed sex, but he had been surprised and dismayed that he seemed to enjoy it so much with him. He knew how unfair he was being, but he found himself respecting Willem less for this, and hating himself more for those feelings.

最后他對性愛過程的害怕逐漸降低，但畏懼還是沒有減少。他一直知道威廉很享受性愛，但他很驚訝且很沮喪地發(fā)現，威廉似乎非常享受跟他做愛。他知道自己這樣想有多不公平，但他發(fā)現自己因此對威廉失去了一點尊敬，而且因為自己有這些感覺而更恨自己。

　 He tried to focus on what had improved about the experience since Caleb. Although it was still painful, it was less painful than it had been with anyone else, and surely that was a good thing. It was still uncomfortable, although again, less so. And it was still shameful, although with Willem, he was able to comfort himself with the knowledge that he was giving at least a small bit of pleasure to the person he cared about most, and that knowledge helped sustain him every time.

他設法把重點放在這些經驗比跟凱萊布時好太多了。還是會痛，但是跟其他任何人相比都比較不痛，這當然是好事。還是不舒服，不過比較輕微。另外，他仍覺得可恥。雖然跟威廉做，他有辦法讓自己安心些，因為他知道自己至少帶給他最關心的人一點點愉悅。這一點幫助他撐過每一回。

　 He told Willem that he had lost the ability to have erections because of the car injury, but that wasn’t true. According to Andy (this was years ago), there was no physical reason why he couldn’t have them. But at any rate, he couldn’t, and hadn’t for years, not since he was in college, and even then, they had been rare and uncontrollable. Willem asked if there was something he could do—a shot, a pill—but he told him that he was allergic to one of the ingredients in those shots and pills, and that it didn’t make a difference to him.

他告訴威廉自己因為車禍受傷失去了勃起的能力，但這不是實話。根據安迪的說法（這已是好幾年前了），他沒有任何生理上的理由導致無法勃起。但無論如何，他就是沒辦法，而且好多年了，從大學開始就是這樣。即使讀大學時，他也很少勃起，就算有也無法控制。威廉問過他能不能做些什么，比方打針或吃藥，但他說他對那些藥物的某種成分過敏，對他而言也沒有差別。

　 Caleb hadn’t been so bothered by this inability of his, but Willem was. “Isn’t there something we can do to help you?” he asked, again and again. “Have you talked to Andy? Should we try something different?” until finally he snapped at Willem to stop asking him, that he was making him feel like a freak.

凱萊布對他這種無能并不覺得太困擾，威廉卻會?！半y道我們不能做些什么幫你嗎？”他一次又一次地問，“你跟安迪談過嗎？我們要不要試試別的方法？”直到最后他厲聲叫威廉別再問了，說他搞得自己感覺像個怪胎。

　 “I’m sorry, Jude; I didn’t mean to,” Willem said after a silence. “I just want you to enjoy this.”

“對不起，裘德，我不是故意的，”威廉沉默了片刻說，“我只是希望你享受這個而已?！?

　 “I am,” he said. He hated lying so much to Willem, but what was the alternative? The alternative meant losing him, meant being alone forever.

“我很享受啊?！彼f。他討厭跟威廉撒這么多謊，但他還能怎么辦？不撒謊就意味著要失去他，意味著要孤獨終老。

　 Sometimes, often, he cursed himself, and how limited he was, but at other times, he was kinder: he recognized how much his mind had protected his body, how it had shut down his sexual drive in order to shelter him, how it had calcified every part of him that had caused him such pain. But usually, he knew he was wrong. He knew his resentment of Willem was wrong. He knew his impatience with Willem’s affection for foreplay—that long, embarrassing period of throat-clearing that preceded every interaction, the small physical gestures of intimacy that he knew were Willem’s way of experimenting with the depths of his own ability for arousal—was wrong. But sex in his experience was something to be gotten through as quickly as possible, with an efficiency and brusqueness that bordered on the brutal, and when he sensed Willem was trying to prolong their encounters he began offering direction with a sort of decisiveness that he later realized Willem must mistake for zeal. And then he would hear Brother Luke’s triumphant declaration in his head—I could hear you enjoying yourself—and cringe. I don’t, he had always wanted to say, and he wanted to say it now: I don’t. But he didn’t dare. They were in a relationship. People in relationships had sex. If he wanted to keep Willem, he had to fulfill his side of the bargain, and his dislike for his duties didn’t change this.

有時，甚至常常，他會咒罵自己，責備自己能力多么有限，但有時，他會對自己寬容一點。他知道自己的腦子如何努力保護他的身體，為了庇護他，讓他的性沖動完全停擺，把曾經引起龐大痛苦的那些部分完全凍結。但通常，他知道自己錯了。他知道自己對威廉的怨恨是錯的。他知道自己對威廉喜愛前戲的不耐煩是錯的——每回性交前那漫長、尷尬的無聊時段，他知道那些細微的親密動作，是威廉實驗的方式，看自己能激起他多大的性沖動。但在他的經驗里，性交是要盡快度過的一件事，帶著幾近粗暴的效率和簡潔。當他發(fā)覺威廉試圖拖長這個過程時，他開始提供一個果斷的方向，后來他才明白威廉一定誤以為那是熱情。然后，他會聽到盧克修士在他腦袋里勝利地宣告——我聽得出來你自己也樂在其中——而覺得難堪。我沒有，他以前總是想這么說，現在他也想說：我沒有。但是他不敢。他們在談戀愛，而談戀愛的人總是會性交。如果他想保住威廉，他就得履行他的條件，而他不喜歡這些責任也改變不了這一點。

　 Still, he didn’t give up. He promised himself he would work on repairing himself, for Willem’s sake if not his own. He bought—surreptitiously, his face prickling as he placed the order—three self-help books on sex and read them while Willem was on one of his publicity tours, and when Willem returned, he tried to use what he had learned, but the results had been the same. He bought magazines meant for women with articles about being better in bed, and studied them carefully. He even ordered a book about how victims of sexual abuse—a term he hated and didn’t apply to himself—dealt with sex, which he read furtively one night, locking his study door so Willem wouldn’t discover him. But after about a year, he decided to alter his ambitions: he might not ever be able to enjoy sex, but that didn’t mean he couldn’t make it more enjoyable for Willem, both as an expression of gratitude and, more selfishly, a way to keep him close. So he fought past his feelings of shame; he concentrated on Willem.

然而，他還是沒有放棄。他向自己承諾他會努力修補自己，就算不是為了自己，也是為了威廉。他偷偷買了三本性愛自助書（下單時他不免覺得臉紅），趁威廉去巡回宣傳新片時偷偷閱讀，等到威廉回來，他就設法學以致用，但結果還是一樣。他買了一些給女性讀者看的雜志，里頭有文章提到如何在床上表現得更好，他仔細研讀。他甚至買了一本書，講性侵犯的受害者（他痛恨這個用語，從未用在自己身上）如何處理性事。有天晚上他鎖起書房的門，關在里面閱讀，免得被威廉發(fā)現。但是過了大約一年，他決定改變自己追求的目標：他可能永遠都沒辦法享受性愛，但不表示他沒辦法讓威廉更享受。這樣既能表達他的感謝，自私一點，也更能保住他和威廉的親密關系。所以他努力拋開羞愧感，專注在威廉身上。

　 Now that he was having sex again, he realized how much he had been surrounded by it all these years, and how completely he had managed to banish thoughts of it from his waking life. For decades, he had shied from discussions of sex, but now he listened to them wherever he encountered them: he eavesdropped on his colleagues, on women in restaurants, on men walking past him on the street, all talking about sex, about when they were having it, about how they wanted it more (no one wanted it less, it seemed). It was as if he was back in college, his peers once again his unwitting teachers: always, he was alert for information, for lessons on how to be. He watched talk shows on television, many of which seemed to be about how couples eventually stop having sex; the guests were married people who hadn’t had sex in months, occasionally in years. He would study these shows, but none of them ever gave him the information he wanted: How long into the relationship did the sex last? How much longer would he have to wait until this happened to him and Willem, too? He looked at the couples: Were they happy? (Obviously not; they were on talk shows telling strangers about their sex lives and asking for help.) But they seemed happy, didn’t they, or a version of happy at least, that man and woman who hadn’t had sex in three years and yet, through the touch of the man’s hand on the woman’s arm, obviously still had affection for each other, obviously stayed together for reasons more important than sex. On planes, he watched romantic comedies, farces about married people not having sex. All the movies with young people were about wanting sex; all the movies with old people were about wanting sex. He would watch these films and feel defeated. When did you get to stop wanting to have sex? At times he would appreciate the irony of this: Willem, the ideal partner in every way, who still wanted to have sex, and he, the unideal partner in every way, who didn’t. He, the cripple, who didn’t, and Willem, who somehow wanted him anyway. And still, Willem was his own version of happiness; he was a version of happiness he never thought he’d have.

現在他重拾性生活了，才發(fā)現這些年來周遭充滿了性愛話題，而他竟然設法將之徹底排除在外。二十幾年來，他一直回避討論性愛，但現在每次碰到，他都會認真聽：他偷聽同事、餐廳里的女人、街上擦肩而過的男人的談話，他們全在談性愛；談他們什么時候有、希望有更多（好像沒人希望減少）。仿佛回到大學時代，他的同伴再度成為他偷學的老師，他總是警覺地收集信息，傾聽各種方法。他收看電視上的談話秀，很多是關于伴侶間是如何停止性生活的；那些已婚的來賓有好幾個月，甚至好幾年沒有性生活。他會研究那些節(jié)目，但沒有一個能提供他想要的信息：與人成為伴侶后，性生活會持續(xù)多久？他還得等多久，這種性生活停止的狀況才會發(fā)生在他和威廉身上？他看著那些伴侶：他們快樂嗎？（顯然不，他們上談話節(jié)目，把自己的性生活告訴一堆陌生人，是想尋求幫助。）但他們似乎很快樂，不是嗎，至少是某種形式的快樂。電視上那對男女已經三年沒有性愛了，但是那男人的手會碰觸那女人的胳膊，顯然他們對彼此還有關愛，顯然他們還在一起的原因比性愛更重要。在飛機上，他會看浪漫愛情喜劇片，里頭穿插已婚人士無性生活的笑料。所有年輕人演的電影都是關于想要性愛；所有老年人演的電影也是關于想要性愛。他看著這些電影，覺得好挫敗。你們什么時候才能停止想要性交？有時他可以領略其中的諷刺：威廉，在各方面都是理想伴侶，他還是想要性愛；而他，在各方面都不是理想的伴侶，卻不想要。他這個瘸子不想要性愛，威廉無論如何還是渴望他。然而，威廉就是他的快樂；他得到了自己從沒想到過能擁有的快樂。

　 He assured Willem that if he missed having sex with women, he should, and that he wouldn’t mind. But “I don’t,” Willem said. “I want to have sex with you.” Another person would have been moved by this, and he was too, but he also despaired: When would this end? And then, inevitably: What if it never did? What if he was never allowed to stop? He was reminded of the years in the motel rooms, although even then he’d had a date to anticipate, however false: sixteen. When he turned sixteen, he would be able to stop. Now he was forty-five, and it was as if he was eleven once again, waiting for the day when someone—once Brother Luke, now (unfair, unfair) Willem—would tell him “That’s it. You’ve fulfilled your duty. No more.” He wished someone would tell him that he was still a full human being despite his feelings; that there was nothing wrong with who he was. Surely there was someone, someone in the world who felt as he did? Surely his hatred for the act was not a deficiency to be corrected but a simple matter of preference?

他曾經跟威廉保證，如果他想念跟女人上床，就應該去，他不會介意的?？墒恰拔也幌肽?，”威廉說，“我想跟你上床?！睋Q作別人聽了會很感動，他也很感動，可是他同時感到絕望：這個情況要到什么時候才會終止？無可避免地，如果永遠不會終止呢？如果永遠不可能讓他停止呢？他想起那些年在汽車旅館的房間里，即使在當時，無論多么虛假，他也有個日子可以期盼：16歲。當他滿16歲，就可以停止了?，F在他45歲了，感覺上好像又回到11歲，等著有一天某個人——以前是盧克修士，現在是威廉（不公平、不公平）——告訴他：“到此為止。你已經完成了你的責任，再也不會有了?！彼嫦Ｍ袀€人能告訴他：盡管他有那些感覺，他還是一個完整的人；真希望有人跟他說他一點毛病都沒有。這個世界肯定有個人跟他有相同的感覺吧？他對性交的厭惡肯定不是需要矯正的缺陷，只是偏好的問題吧？

　 One night, he and Willem were lying in bed—both of them tired from their respective days—and Willem had begun talking, abruptly, of an old friend he’d had lunch with, a woman named Molly he’d met once or twice over the years, and who, Willem said, had been having a difficult time; now, after decades, she had finally told her mother that her father, who had died the year before, had sexually abused her.

某天晚上，他和威廉躺在床上，兩人都過了辛苦的一天。威廉忽然談起他和一個老朋友吃了中飯，是個叫莫莉的女人，這些年他們偶爾會碰面一兩次。威廉說，她以前有段時間過得很辛苦，現在經過二十多年，她終于告訴她母親，說前一年過世的父親曾對她實行性侵害。

　 “That’s terrible,” he said, automatically. “Poor Molly.”

“好可怕，”他不自覺地說，“可憐的莫莉?！?

　 “Yes,” said Willem, and there was a silence. “I just told her that she had nothing to be ashamed of, that she hadn’t done anything wrong.” He could feel himself getting hot. “You were right,” he said at last, and yawned, extravagantly. “Good night, Willem.”

“是啊，”威廉說，沉默了一會兒，“我只是告訴她，她沒什么好羞愧的，她沒做錯任何事?！彼杏X自己渾身發(fā)熱。“你說得沒錯?！弊詈笏K于說，然后夸張地打了個大呵欠，“晚安，威廉?！?

　 For a minute or two, they were quiet. “Jude,” Willem said, gently. “Are you ever going to tell me about it?”

有一兩分鐘，兩個人都沒說話?！棒玫?，”威廉柔聲說，“你到底打不打算告訴我？”

　 What could he say, he thought, as he held himself still. Why was Willem asking about this now? He thought he had been doing such a good job being normal—but maybe he hadn’t. He would have to try harder. He never had told Willem about what had happened to him with Brother Luke, but along with being unable to speak of it, part of him knew he didn’t need to: in the past two years, Willem had tried to approach the subject through various directions—through stories of friends and acquaintances, some named, some not (he had to assume some of these people were creations, as surely no one person could have such a vast collection of sexually abused friends), through stories about pedophilia he read in magazines, through various discourses on the nature of shame, and how it was often unearned. After each speech, Willem would stop, and wait, as if he were mentally extending a hand and asking him to dance. But he never took Willem’s hand. Each time, he would remain silent, or change the subject, or simply pretend Willem had never spoken at all. He didn’t know how Willem had come to learn this about him; he didn’t want to know. Obviously the person he thought he was presenting wasn’t the person Willem—or Harold—saw.

能說什么？他心想，全身僵住不動。為什么威廉現在要問起這個？他這么努力表現得像正常人，還以為自己做得很好——或許其實沒有。他得更努力才行。他從沒告訴威廉他和盧克修士的事。不僅一直無法開口談，而且一部分的他也知道自己不必說出來。過去兩年，威廉一直用各種方法逼近這個話題，通過朋友和熟人的故事，有些有名字、有些沒有（他不得不假設其中有些是編出來的，因為不可能有人有這么多被性侵的朋友），通過他在雜志上看到戀童癖的故事，通過各種關于羞愧本質的談話，還有為何不該覺得羞愧。每回講完，威廉會停下來等，好像在精神上伸出一只手邀他共舞。但他始終沒握住威廉那只邀舞的手。每一回，他都保持沉默，改變話題，或只是假裝威廉根本沒說過。他不知道威廉是怎么逐漸明白他的這部分，他也不想知道。顯然他以為自己假扮的那個人，并不是威廉或哈羅德所看到的。

　 “Why are you asking me this?” he asked.

“你為什么問我這個？”他問。

　 Willem shifted. “Because,” he said, and then stopped. “Because,” he continued, “I should’ve made you talk about this a long time ago.” He stopped again. “Certainly before we started having sex.”

威廉挪動了一下身子?！耙驗椤彼f，停頓一下?！耙驗?，”他又說，“我早就該逼你談這個了，”他又停了一下，“早在我們開始有性生活之前?！?

　 He closed his eyes. “Am I not doing a good enough job?” he asked, quietly, and regretted the question as soon as he said it: it was something he would have asked Brother Luke, and Willem was not Brother Luke.

他閉上眼睛?！半y道我表現得不夠好嗎？”他低聲問，可是一說出口就后悔了；這句話他該拿去問盧克修士，而威廉并不是盧克修士。

　 He could tell from Willem’s silence that he was taken aback by the question as well. “No,” he said. “I mean, yes. But Jude—I know something happened to you. I wish you’d tell me. I wish you’d let me help you.”

從威廉的沉默，他感覺得出來他也對這個問題感到震驚。“不是，”他說，“我的意思是，你表現得很好。但是裘德——我知道你以前出過一些事。我希望你能告訴我，我希望你讓我?guī)湍??！?