《渺小一生》:“三十年的不服從?！?/h1>

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2020年07月15日

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　 When he wakes again, he realizes he doesn’t know what day it is, and when Willem tells him it’s Monday, he panics. “Work,” he says, “I have to go.”

他再度醒來(lái)時(shí)，發(fā)現(xiàn)自己不知道今天星期幾，威廉跟他說(shuō)是星期一，他恐慌起來(lái)?！吧习唷！彼f(shuō)，“我得去上班了?！?

　 “No fucking way,” Willem says, sharply. “I called them, Jude. You’re not going anywhere, not until Andy figures out what’s going on.”

“媽的不要想了，”威廉兇巴巴地說(shuō)，“我打電話去事務(wù)所了，裘德。你哪里都不能去，先等安迪搞清楚是怎么回事再說(shuō)?！?

　 Harold and Julia arrive later, and he makes himself return Harold’s embrace, although he cannot look at him. Over Harold’s shoulder, he sees Willem, who nods at him reassuringly.

哈羅德和朱麗婭稍后也趕到了。他逼自己響應(yīng)哈羅德的擁抱，盡管他根本不敢正眼瞧他。隔著哈羅德的肩膀，他看到威廉朝他安慰地點(diǎn)著頭。

　 They are all together when Andy comes in. “Osteomyelitis,” he says to him, quietly. “A bone infection.” He explains what will happen: he will have to stay in the hospital for at least a week—“A week!” he exclaims, and the four of them start shouting at him before he has a chance to protest further—or possibly two, until they get the fever under control. The antibiotics will be dispensed through a central line, but the remaining ten to eleven weeks of treatment will be given to him on an outpatient basis. Every day, a nurse will come administer the IV drip: the treatment will take an hour, and he is not to miss a single one of these. When he tries, again, to protest, Andy stops him. “Jude,” he says. “This is serious. I mean it. I don’t fucking care about Rosen Pritchard. You want to keep your legs, you do this and you follow my instructions, do you understand me?”

安迪進(jìn)來(lái)時(shí)，他們都在?！笆枪撬柩住！彼吐晫?duì)他說(shuō)，“一種骨頭的感染?！彼忉尳酉聛?lái)會(huì)發(fā)生什么事：他得住院至少一星期?！耙恍瞧?！”他大叫，他還沒(méi)來(lái)得及進(jìn)一步抗議，其他四個(gè)人就開始吼他。也可能住兩周，直到控制住發(fā)燒為止。他們會(huì)用中央靜脈導(dǎo)管為他打抗生素，但接下來(lái)十到十一周，還是得在家治療。每天都會(huì)有護(hù)士過(guò)去幫他注射點(diǎn)滴：總共需要一小時(shí)，他一次都不能漏掉。他又試著抗議，安迪阻止了他?！棒玫拢卑驳险f(shuō)，“情況很嚴(yán)重，我是說(shuō)真的。我他媽的才不管羅森·普理查德。你想保住兩條腿，就要乖乖治療，而且要聽我的話，懂了沒(méi)？”

　 Around him, the others are silent. “Yes,” he says, at last.

他周圍的其他人都悶不吭聲?！岸恕！弊詈笏K于說(shuō)。

　 A nurse comes to prep him so Andy can administer the central venous catheter, which will be inserted into the subclavian vein, directly beneath his right collarbone. “This is a tricky vein to access because it’s so deep,” the nurse says, pulling down the neck of his gown and cleaning a square of his skin. “But you’re lucky to have Dr. Contractor. He’s very good with needles; he never misses.” He isn’t worried, but he knows Willem is, and he holds Willem’s hand as Andy first pierces his skin with the cold metal needle and then threads the coil of guide wire into him. “Don’t look,” he tells Willem. “It’s okay.” And so Willem stares instead at his face, which he tries to keep still and composed until Andy is finished and is taping the catheter’s length of slender plastic tubing to his chest.

一個(gè)護(hù)士進(jìn)來(lái)幫他準(zhǔn)備，好讓安迪置入中央靜脈導(dǎo)管；導(dǎo)管將從他右邊鎖骨下方的鎖骨下靜脈插入。“這根血管很不好找，因?yàn)榉浅Ｉ睢！蹦莻€(gè)護(hù)士說(shuō)，拉下他病人袍的領(lǐng)口，用酒精棉擦拭了皮膚上的一塊地方。“但是你很幸運(yùn)碰到康垂克特醫(yī)生。他很會(huì)用那些針，一次失誤都沒(méi)有過(guò)。”他不擔(dān)心，但他知道威廉很擔(dān)心，兩人握著手，讓安迪把那根冰冷的金屬針插入他的皮膚，接著是成卷導(dǎo)線穿入他體內(nèi)。“不要看。”他告訴威廉，“沒(méi)事的?！庇谑峭亩⒅哪槪O(shè)法保持表情鎮(zhèn)定不動(dòng)，直到安迪弄完，貼好那根連到他胸部的塑料細(xì)導(dǎo)管。

　 He sleeps. He had thought he might be able to work from the hospital, but he is more exhausted than he thought he would be, cloudier, and after talking to the chairs of the various committees and some of his colleagues, he doesn’t have the strength to do anything else.

他睡去了。本來(lái)他以為可以在醫(yī)院工作，但是他身體疲累、頭腦昏沉的情況遠(yuǎn)遠(yuǎn)超過(guò)預(yù)期。他跟事務(wù)所各個(gè)委員會(huì)的主席及一些同事開完會(huì)之后，體力已所剩無(wú)幾。

　 Harold and Julia leave—they have classes and office hours—but except for Richard and a few people from work, they don’t tell anyone he’s hospitalized; he won’t be there for long, and Willem has decided he needs sleep more than he needs visitors. He is still febrile, but less so, and there have been no further episodes of delirium. And strangely, for all that is happening, he feels, if not optimistic, then at least calm. Everyone around him is so sober, so thin-lipped, that he feels determined to defy them somehow, to defy the severity of the situation they keep telling him he’s in.

哈羅德和朱麗婭離開了，各自回去上課和上班，但除了理查德和少數(shù)工作上的人，他們沒(méi)告訴任何人他住院了；反正他不會(huì)待太久，而且威廉判定他需要睡眠，勝于接受探病。他還在發(fā)燒，不過(guò)溫度沒(méi)那么高了，也沒(méi)再出現(xiàn)譫妄。奇怪的是，發(fā)生了這一切，但他覺(jué)得自己即使不樂(lè)觀，至少也算冷靜。他身邊的每個(gè)人都很清醒，沉默不語(yǔ)，他決心違抗他們，違抗每個(gè)人一直告訴他的那種嚴(yán)重狀況。

　 He can’t remember when he and Willem started referring to the hospital as the Hotel Contractor, in honor of Andy, but it seems they always have. “Watch out,” Willem would say to him even back at Lispenard Street, when he was hacking at a piece of steak some enraptured sous-chef at Ortolan had sneaked Willem at the end of his shift, “that cleaver’s really sharp, and if you chop off a thumb, we’ll have to go to the Hotel Contractor.” Or once, when he was hospitalized for a skin infection, he had sent Willem (away somewhere, shooting) a text reading “At Hotel Contractor. Not a big deal, but didn’t want you to hear through M or JB.” Now, though, when he tries to make Hotel Contractor jokes—complaining about the Hotel’s increasingly poor food and beverage services; about its poor quality of linens—Willem doesn’t respond.

不記得從什么時(shí)候開始，他和威廉就把醫(yī)院講成康垂克特酒店，借此向安迪致意，感覺(jué)上他們好像一直都這么講。早在利斯本納街時(shí)代，有一回奧特倫餐廳的一個(gè)副主廚心情很好，值班結(jié)束時(shí)偷拿了一塊牛排給威廉。當(dāng)他回家切那塊牛排時(shí)，“小心點(diǎn)?！蓖f(shuō)，“那把切肉刀利得很，要是你把大拇指切下來(lái)，我們又得去康垂克特酒店了。”還有一回，他因?yàn)槠つw感染住院，發(fā)短信給威廉（當(dāng)時(shí)他在外地拍戲）：“我在康垂克特酒店。沒(méi)什么大不了的，只是不希望你從馬爾科姆或杰比那邊聽到?！钡F(xiàn)在，當(dāng)他試著拿康垂克特酒店開玩笑，抱怨酒店的供餐和飲料越來(lái)越差，床單的質(zhì)量很爛時(shí)，威廉都沒(méi)反應(yīng)。

　 “This isn’t funny, Jude,” he snaps on Friday evening, as they wait for Harold and Julia to arrive with dinner. “I wish you’d fucking stop kidding around.” He is quiet then, and they look at each other. “I was so scared,” Willem says, in a low voice. “You were so sick and I didn’t know what was going to happen, and I was so scared.”

“裘德，這不好笑?！彼谛瞧谔焱砩蠀柭曊f(shuō)。當(dāng)時(shí)他們正在等哈羅德和朱麗婭帶晚餐過(guò)來(lái)。“我希望你他媽的別再開玩笑了。”他沉默下來(lái)，兩個(gè)人看著彼此?！拔液煤ε隆！蓖吐曊f(shuō)，“你病得這么重，我都不曉得接下來(lái)會(huì)怎樣，我好害怕。”

　 “Willem,” he says, gently, “I know. I’m so grateful for you.” He hurries on before Willem can tell him he doesn’t need him to be grateful, he needs him to take the situation seriously. “I’m going to listen to Andy, I promise. I promise you I’m taking this seriously. And I promise you I’m not in any discomfort. I feel fine. It’s going to be fine.”

“威廉，”他柔聲說(shuō)，“我知道。我很感激你。”他趕緊說(shuō)出口，趁威廉還來(lái)不及說(shuō)他不需要他的感激、只需要他把這個(gè)情況當(dāng)回事之前。“我會(huì)聽安迪的話的，我保證。我保證我會(huì)把這當(dāng)一回事，而且我保證我現(xiàn)在沒(méi)有任何不舒服。我覺(jué)得很好。一切都會(huì)沒(méi)事的?！?

　 After ten days, Andy is satisfied that the fever has been eliminated, and he is discharged and sent home for two days to rest; he is back at the office on Friday. He had always resisted having a driver—he liked to drive himself; he liked the independence, the solitude—but now Willem’s assistant has hired a driver for him, a small, serious man named Mr. Ahmed, and on his way to and from the office, he sleeps. Mr. Ahmed also picks up his nurse, a woman named Patrizia who rarely speaks but is very gentle, and every day at one p.m., she meets him at Rosen Pritchard. His office there is all glass and looks out onto the floor, and he lowers the shades for privacy and takes off his jacket and tie and shirt, and lies down on the sofa in his undershirt and covers himself with a blanket, and Patrizia cleans the catheter and checks the skin around it to make sure there are no signs of infection—no swelling, no redness—and then inserts the IV and waits as the medicine drips into the catheter and slides into his veins. As they wait, he works and she reads a nursing journal or knits. Soon this too becomes normal: every Friday he sees Andy, who debrides his wounds and then examines him, sending him to the hospital after their session for X-rays so he can track the infection and make sure it isn’t spreading.

十天后，安迪很滿意他的燒退了。于是他出院，回家休息兩天，星期五就回去上班了。他以前一直抗拒雇用司機(jī)。他喜歡自己開車，喜歡那種獨(dú)立和隔絕。但現(xiàn)在威廉的助理幫他雇了司機(jī)，是個(gè)嚴(yán)肅的小個(gè)子男人艾哈邁德先生，于是他上下班途中，就在車上睡覺(jué)。另外，艾哈邁德先生每天下午1點(diǎn)還會(huì)去接護(hù)士到羅森·普理查德律師事務(wù)所。那名護(hù)士叫帕特里齊亞，話很少，但非常溫柔。他的辦公室全是玻璃墻，外頭是大辦公廳。他會(huì)放下窗簾，脫下西裝外套、領(lǐng)帶、襯衫，只穿汗衫躺在沙發(fā)上，蓋著毯子。帕特里齊亞會(huì)幫導(dǎo)管消毒，檢查周圍的皮膚，確定沒(méi)有感染的跡象（沒(méi)有腫起，沒(méi)有發(fā)紅），然后幫他做靜脈注射，等藥物滴入導(dǎo)管，再進(jìn)入他的血管。他等待的時(shí)候，仍然照樣工作；護(hù)士則會(huì)閱讀一本護(hù)理學(xué)報(bào)，或是打毛線。很快地，這變成他的日常：每周五他會(huì)去看安迪，讓他為那些瘡清創(chuàng)，檢查他的狀況，然后送他到醫(yī)院拍X光片，以便追蹤他的感染情形，確保沒(méi)有擴(kuò)散。

　 They cannot go away on the weekends because he needs to have his treatment, but in early October, after four weeks of antibiotics, Andy announces that he’s been talking to Willem, and if he doesn’t mind, he and Jane are going to come up to stay with them in Garrison for the weekend, and he’ll administer the drip himself.

他們沒(méi)辦法出城度周末，因?yàn)樗枰掷m(xù)治療。到了十月初，他打抗生素四周后，安迪宣布他跟威廉談過(guò)了，如果他不介意，他和簡(jiǎn)打算跟他們一起去加里森村過(guò)下個(gè)周末，他會(huì)親自幫他打點(diǎn)滴。

　 It is wonderful, and rare, being out of the city, being back at their house, and the four of them enjoy one another’s company. He even feels well enough to give Andy an abbreviated tour of the property, which Andy has visited only in springtime or summer, but which is different in autumn: raw, sad, lovely, the barn’s roof plastered with fallen yellow gingko leaves that make it look as if it’s been laid with sheets of gold leaf.

難得能離開紐約市，回到他們那棟房子，真是太棒了，而且他們四個(gè)很樂(lè)于有彼此為伴。他甚至覺(jué)得好多了，帶著安迪在整片產(chǎn)業(yè)轉(zhuǎn)了一圈，做個(gè)簡(jiǎn)略的介紹。之前安迪只有春天或夏天來(lái)過(guò)，秋天的景色完全不同：粗獷、哀愁、動(dòng)人，谷倉(cāng)屋頂黏著落下的黃色銀杏葉，看起來(lái)像是鋪了一層層金箔。

　 Over dinner that Saturday night, Andy asks him, “You do realize we’ve now known each other for thirty years, right?”

那個(gè)星期六用晚餐時(shí)，安迪問(wèn)他：“你知道我們已經(jīng)認(rèn)識(shí)三十年了吧？”

　 “I do,” he smiles. He has in fact bought Andy something—a safari vacation for him and his family, to go on whenever he wants—for their anniversary, although he hasn’t told him about it yet.

“我知道。”他微笑。其實(shí)他還為了相識(shí)三十周年，買了禮物要送安迪，只是還沒(méi)告訴他而已——出錢讓他們?nèi)覅⒓臃侵掎鳙C之旅，隨時(shí)都可以去。

　 “Thirty years of being disobeyed,” Andy moans, and the rest of them laugh. “Thirty years of dispensing priceless medical advice gleaned from years of experience and training at top institutions, only to have it ignored by a corporate litigator, who’s decided his understanding of human biology is superior to my own.”

“三十年的不服從?！卑驳习@，其他人都大笑起來(lái)。“我在各個(gè)頂尖機(jī)構(gòu)累積了多年的經(jīng)驗(yàn)和訓(xùn)練，三十年來(lái)提供各種珍貴的醫(yī)學(xué)建議，結(jié)果被一個(gè)企業(yè)律師置之不理，因?yàn)樗卸ㄋ任疫€了解人類生物學(xué)?！?

　 After they’ve stopped laughing, Jane says, “But you know, Andy, if it weren’t for Jude, I never would have married you.” To him, she says, “In medical school, I always thought Andy was sort of a self-absorbed douche bag, Jude; he was so arrogant, so borderline callow”—“What!” Andy says, feigning injury—“that I assumed he was going to be one of those typical surgeons—you know, ‘not always right, but always certain.’ But then I heard him talk about you, how much he loved and respected you, and I thought there might be something more to him. And I was right.”

他們笑聲停止后，簡(jiǎn)說(shuō)：“不過(guò)安迪，你知道，如果不是因?yàn)轸玫?，我絕對(duì)不會(huì)嫁給你的。”簡(jiǎn)對(duì)著他說(shuō)，“讀醫(yī)學(xué)院的時(shí)候，我老覺(jué)得安迪是那種自我中心的討厭鬼；他太狂妄了，簡(jiǎn)直是目中無(wú)人……”“什么！”安迪說(shuō)，假裝很受傷?！拔乙詾樗麜?huì)變成那種典型的外科醫(yī)生，你知道，‘不見(jiàn)得永遠(yuǎn)正確，但是永遠(yuǎn)很有把握?！髞?lái)我聽他談起你，知道他有多么喜歡你、多么尊敬你，于是我想，他身上或許還有其他的優(yōu)點(diǎn)。結(jié)果我想得沒(méi)錯(cuò)?！?

　 “You were,” he tells her, after they all laugh again. “You were right,” and they all look at Andy, who gets embarrassed and pours himself another glass of wine.

“你的確想得沒(méi)錯(cuò)。”大家又大笑完畢后，他告訴簡(jiǎn)，“一點(diǎn)都沒(méi)錯(cuò)?！比缓蟠蠹叶伎粗驳希λ缓靡馑计饋?lái)，又給自己倒了一杯葡萄酒。

　 The week after that, Willem begins rehearsals for his new film. A month ago, when he got sick, he had backed out of the project, and then it had been delayed to wait for him, and now things are stable enough that he has signed on again. He doesn’t understand why Willem had backed out in the first place—the film is a remake of Desperate Characters, and most of the filming will be done just across the river, in Brooklyn Heights—but he is relieved to have Willem at work again and not hovering over him, looking worried and asking him if he’s sure he has the energy to do any of the very basic things (going to the grocery store; making a meal; staying late at work) that he wants to do.

隔周，威廉開始排練新戲。一個(gè)月前他生病時(shí)，威廉退出了那部電影，制片方因此延期，現(xiàn)在他狀況夠穩(wěn)定了，威廉又答應(yīng)回去。那部電影是《絕望的性格》舊片新拍，大部分在隔了一條河的布魯克林高地拍攝。他不明白威廉一開始為什么要退出，但他很開心看到威廉又開始工作，而不是成天守著他，一臉憂慮地問(wèn)他是否確定自己有力氣做一些非?；镜?、他想要做的事，比方去雜貨店，做一頓飯，或是工作到很晚。