《渺小一生》:但是他無法回答自己

　 But he can’t answer himself.

但是他無法回答自己。

　 Again and again he sees Brother Luke, Dr. Traylor. As he has gotten weaker, as he has drifted from himself, he sees them more and more frequently, and although Willem and Malcolm have dimmed for him, Brother Luke and Dr. Traylor have not. He feels his past is a cancer, one he should have treated long ago but instead ignored. And now Brother Luke and Dr. Traylor have metastasized, now they are too large and too overwhelming for him to eliminate. Now when they appear, they are wordless: they stand before him, they sit, side by side, on the sofa in his bedroom, staring at him, and this is worse than if they spoke, because he knows they are trying to decide what to do with him, and he knows that whatever they decide will be worse than he can imagine, worse than what had happened before. At one point he sees them whispering to each other, and he knows they are talking about him. “Stop,” he yells at them, “stop, stop,” but they ignore him, and when he tries to get up to make them leave, he is unable to do so. “Willem,” he hears himself call, “protect me, help me; make them leave, make them go away.” But Willem doesn’t come, and he realizes he is alone and becomes afraid, concealing himself under the blanket and remaining as still as he can, certain that time has doubled back upon itself and he will be made to relive his life in sequence. It’ll get better eventually, he promises himself. Remember, good years followed the bad. But he can’t do it again; he can’t live once more through those fifteen years, those fifteen years whose half-life have been so long and so resonant, that have determined everything he has become and done.

一次又一次，他看到盧克修士、特雷勒醫(yī)生。當他變得愈加虛弱，當他逐漸脫離自己，他就越來越頻繁地看到他們。威廉和馬爾科姆在他記憶中逐漸朦朧，盧克修士和特雷勒醫(yī)生卻不是。他覺得自己的過去像是一種癌癥，很早以前就該治療卻沒有?，F(xiàn)在盧克修士和特雷勒醫(yī)生轉(zhuǎn)移了，現(xiàn)在他們太大又太具壓倒性，無法割除了?，F(xiàn)在他們出現(xiàn)時都不說話；光是站在他面前，或是并肩坐在他臥室的沙發(fā)上瞪著他看，就比他們開口講話還糟糕，因為他知道他們在決定要對他做什么，而且他知道無論他們決定怎么做，都比他想象的還糟，比他之前碰到的狀況更糟。中間一度他看到他們彼此咬耳朵，知道他們在談他?！皠e說了，”他朝他們大叫，“停止，別說了?！钡撬麄儾焕硭?。當他想起床趕他們走時，卻起不了床?！巴?，”他聽到自己喊，“保護我，幫助我；叫他們離開，把他們趕走?！钡疀]出現(xiàn)，他明白自己是孤單一人，害怕起來。他用被單蓋住自己，盡量保持不動，非常確定如果時間倒轉(zhuǎn)回去，他會被迫按照順序重過一次自己的前半生。總有一天會好轉(zhuǎn)的，他向自己保證。記住，壞年代之后就是好年代了。但他沒辦法再來一次；他沒辦法再經(jīng)歷一次那十五年，那十五年中有一半很漫長、反響不斷，決定了他往后的一切，包括變成什么樣的人、做些什么樣的事。

　 By the time he finally, fully wakes on Monday morning, he knows he has crossed some sort of threshold. He knows he is close, that he is moving from one world to another. He blacks out twice while simply trying to get into his wheelchair. He faints on his way to the bathroom. And yet somehow he remains uninjured; somehow he is still alive. He gets dressed, the suit and shirts he’d had recut for him a month ago already loose, and slides his stumps into the prostheses, and goes downstairs to meet Mr. Ahmed.

等到他終于、終于在星期一早上醒來，他知道自己跨過了某種門檻。他知道自己接近了，知道他正要從一個世界跨入另一個世界。光是要坐上輪椅的這段過程，他就兩度失去意識。到浴室途中又暈倒了。但是他都沒受傷，還活著。他換好衣服，一個月前才重新定做的襯衫和西裝現(xiàn)在已經(jīng)太大了。接著他裝上義肢，下樓跟艾哈邁德先生會合。

　 At work, everything is the same. It is the new year; people are returning from their vacations. During the management committee meeting, he jabs his fingers into his thigh to keep himself alert. He feels his grip loosen around the branch.

上班時，一切與往常無異。剛放完新年假期，大家剛度假回來。管理委員會開會時，他用手指狠戳自己的大腿以保持警覺。他感覺自己抓住樹枝的雙手變松了。

　 Sanjay leaves early that evening; he leaves early, too. Today is Harold and Julia’s move-in day, and he has promised to go uptown to visit them. He hasn’t seen them in more than a month, and although he feels himself no longer able to gauge what he looks like, he has dressed in extra layers today—an undershirt, his shirt, a sweater, a cardigan, his suit jacket, his coat—so that he’ll appear a little bulkier. At Harold’s, he is waved in by the doorman, and up he goes, trying not to blink because blinking makes the dizziness worse. Outside their door, he stops and puts his head in his hands until he feels strong enough, and then he turns the knob and rolls inside and stares.

那天傍晚，桑杰提早離開；他也提早了。今天哈羅德和朱麗婭要搬到紐約，他答應到上城的公寓去拜訪。他已經(jīng)一個多月沒看到他們了。他沒辦法判斷自己的模樣，但他今天多穿了一些衣服，包括汗衫、外頭的襯衫、毛衣、開襟毛衣、西裝外套、大衣，這樣看起來就會壯一點。到了哈羅德家，門房讓他進去，他搭電梯上樓，設(shè)法不要眨眼，因為眨眼會使他的暈眩惡化。到了他們那間公寓門外，他停下來把臉埋進雙手里，直到他覺得夠強壯了，才轉(zhuǎn)開門鈕進去，并且瞪大眼睛。

　 They are all there: Harold and Julia, of course, but Andy and JB and Richard and India and the Henry Youngs and Rhodes and Elijah and Sanjay and the Irvines as well, all posed and perched on different pieces of furniture as if they’re at a photo shoot, and for a second he fears he will start laughing. And then he wonders: Am I dreaming this? Am I awake? He remembers the vision of himself as a sagging mattress and thinks: Am I still real? Am I still conscious?

他們?nèi)紒砹耍汗_德和朱麗婭當然在，但是還有安迪、杰比、理查德和印蒂亞、兩個亨利·楊、羅茲、伊利亞、桑杰，以及歐文夫婦。他們站著或靠坐在不同的家具上，好像準備要拍大合照，一時之間，他很怕自己會大笑起來。他很納悶：我是在做夢嗎？我現(xiàn)在醒著嗎？他還記得夢到過自己是個松垮的床墊，心想：我還真實存在嗎？我的意識還清楚嗎？

　 “Christ,” he says, when he is able to speak at last. “What the hell is this?”

“天啊，”他終于有辦法開口了，“這是怎么回事？”

　 “Exactly what you think it is,” he hears Andy say.

“就跟你想的一樣?！彼牭桨驳险f。

　 “I’m not staying for this,” he tries to say, but can’t. He can’t move. He can’t look at any of them: he looks instead at his hands—his scarred left hand, his normal right—as above him Andy speaks. They have been watching him for weeks—Sanjay has been keeping track of the days he’s seen him eat at the office, Richard has been entering his apartment to check his refrigerator for food. “We measure weight loss in grades,” he hears Andy saying. “A loss of one to ten percent of your body weight is Grade One. A loss of eleven to twenty percent is Grade Two. Grade Two is when we consider putting you on a feeding tube. You know this, Jude, because it’s happened to you before. And I can tell by looking at you that you’re at Grade Two—at least.” Andy talks and talks, and he thinks he begins to cry, but he is unable to produce tears. Everything has gone so wrong, he thinks; how did everything go so wrong? How has he forgotten so completely who he was when he was with Willem? It is as if that person has died along with Willem, and what he is left with is his elemental self, someone he has never liked, someone so incapable of occupying the life he has, the life he has somehow made for himself, in spite of himself.

“我才不要留下來陪你們玩?！彼胝f，但是說不出口。他動不了。他沒辦法看任何一個人的臉，只能看著自己的手，他有疤的左手，他正常的右手。同時安迪在他上方開口了。他們已經(jīng)觀察他好幾個星期——桑杰一直在觀察他白天吃了什么，每天記錄下來，理查德則進入他的公寓檢查冰箱里的食物。“我們把體重減輕的程度分為十級。”他聽到安迪說，“體重減輕百分之一到十是第一級。體重減輕百分之十一到二十是第二級。第二級就要考慮插上喂食管了。這個你知道的，因為你以前發(fā)生過這樣的事情。我光憑目測，就知道你至少在第二級?！卑驳险f了又說，他覺得自己快要哭出來了，但是沒有眼淚。一切錯得太離譜了，他心想；怎么會錯得這么離譜？他為什么完全忘記和威廉在一起的自己是什么樣子？好像那個人也跟著威廉一起死了，留下來的是原始的他，但這個人他從來沒喜歡過，這個人在處理自己的人生上太無能了，盡管那是他不由自主被安排出來的人生。

　 Finally he lifts his head and sees Harold staring at him, sees that Harold is actually crying, silently, looking and looking at him. “Harold,” he says, although Andy is still talking, “release me. Release me from my promise to you. Don’t make me do this anymore. Don’t make me go on.”

最后他終于抬起頭來，看到哈羅德凝視著他，看到哈羅德在哭，沒有哭出聲音，只是一直看著他?！肮_德，”雖然安迪還在講話，但他說，“放了我吧。讓我解除對你的承諾。別再逼我這樣過下去了。別再逼我繼續(xù)了。”

　 But no one releases him: not Harold, not anyone. He is instead captured and taken to the hospital, and there, at the hospital, he begins to fight. My last fight, he thinks, and he fights harder than he ever has, as hard as he had as a child in the monastery, becoming the monster they always told him he was, yowling and spitting in Harold’s and Andy’s faces, ripping the IV from his hand, thrashing his body on the bed, trying to scratch at Richard’s arms, until finally a nurse, cursing, sticks him with a needle and he is sedated.

但是沒有人愿意放了他：哈羅德不肯，其他人也不肯。反之，他們把他抓起來帶去醫(yī)院，到了醫(yī)院，他開始反抗。這是我最后的戰(zhàn)役，他心想，于是他反抗得比以前都厲害，就像小時候在修道院那樣，變成修士們總在罵的那種惡魔，不斷哭叫，對哈羅德和安迪的臉吐口水，拔掉手上的靜脈注射管，在床上翻跳著，設(shè)法抓破理查德的手臂，直到最后，一名護士一邊詛咒，一邊拿著針筒給他打了鎮(zhèn)靜劑。

　 He wakes with his wrists strapped to the bed, with his prostheses gone, with his clothes gone as well, with a press of cotton against his collarbone under which he knows a catheter has been inserted. The same thing all over again, he thinks, the same, the same, the same.

他醒來時，發(fā)現(xiàn)雙手的手腕被皮帶綁在床上，他的義肢被拆掉了，衣服也不見了，鎖骨下方貼了一塊棉片，他知道里頭插了一根注射管。同樣的事情從頭再來一遍，他心想。又是一樣，又是一樣，又是一樣。

　 But this time it isn’t the same. This time he is given no choices. This time, he is put on a feeding tube, which punctures through his abdomen and into his stomach. This time, he is made to go back and see Dr. Loehmann. This time, he is going to be watched, every mealtime: Richard will watch him eat breakfast. Sanjay will watch him eat lunch and, if he’s at the office late, dinner. Harold will watch him on the weekends. He isn’t allowed to go to the bathroom until an hour after he’s finished each meal. He must see Andy every Friday. He must see JB every Saturday. He must see Richard every Sunday. He must see Harold whenever Harold says he must. If he is caught skipping a meal, or a session, or disposing of food in any way, he will be hospitalized, and this hospitalization won’t be a matter of weeks; it will be a matter of months. He will gain a minimum of thirty pounds, and he will be allowed to stop only when he has maintained that weight for six months.

但這一回不一樣了。這一回他沒得選擇。這一回他被插了喂食管，從腹部插進去，通到他的胃。這一回，他被迫回去看婁曼醫(yī)生。這一回，每次都有人監(jiān)視他吃飯。理查德看著他吃早餐。桑杰看著他吃午餐。如果他加班，桑杰也會看著他吃晚餐。周末由哈羅德負責看守。他吃過飯后一小時才能去洗手間。他每個星期五都得跟安迪碰面。他每個星期六都得跟杰比碰面。他每個星期天都得跟理查德碰面。另外，哈羅德隨時要求，他就必須見他。如果他被抓到少吃一頓，失約沒碰面，或以任何方式偷偷扔掉食物，就得回去住院，而這回可不是住幾個星期就算了，而是要住上好幾個月。他必須增重至少三十磅，而且之后必須維持六個月不瘦下來才行。

　 And so begins his new life, a life in which he has moved past humiliation, past sorrow, past hope. This is a life in which his weary friends’ weary faces watch him as he eats omelets, sandwiches, salads. Who sit across from him and watch as he twirls pasta around his fork, as he plows his spoon through polenta, as he slides flesh off bones. Who look at his plate, at his bowl, and either nod at him—yes, he can go—or shake their heads: No, Jude, you have to eat more than that. At work he makes decisions and people follow them, but then at one p.m., lunch is delivered to his office, and for the next half hour—although no one else in the firm knows this—his decisions mean nothing, because Sanjay has absolute power, and he must obey whatever he says. Sanjay, with one text to Andy, can send him to the hospital, where they will tie him down again and force food into him. They all can. No one seems to care that this isn’t what he wants.

于是他的新人生開始了，他過著日子，忘了羞辱、忘了憂傷、忘了希望。在這段人生里，他疲倦的朋友帶著疲倦的臉，看著他吃炒蛋、三明治、沙拉。那些朋友坐在餐桌對面，看著他用叉子卷起意大利面，看著他用湯匙舀起玉米粥，看著他切下骨頭旁邊的肉。他們檢查他的盤子、他的碗，可能點點頭表示他過關(guān)，或者搖頭說：不，裘德，你還得再吃一點。工作上由他做決定、大家聽從，但到了下午1點，午餐送到他的辦公室來，接下來半小時，雖然事務(wù)所里沒有其他人知道，但他的決定完全失效，因為桑杰有絕對的權(quán)力，不管說什么他都得遵從。只要發(fā)一條手機短信，桑杰就可以送他去住院，再度把他綁在床上，強迫喂食。他們?nèi)伎梢裕孟駴]有人在乎這不是他想要的。

　 Have you all forgotten? he yearns to ask. Have you forgotten him? Have you forgotten how much I need him? Have you forgotten I don’t know how to be alive without him? Who can teach me? Who can tell me what I should do now?

你們都忘了嗎？他好想問。你們都忘了他嗎？你們忘了我有多么需要他嗎？你們忘了我沒有他就不知道該怎么活下去嗎？誰能教教我？誰能告訴我，我現(xiàn)在該怎么辦？

　 It was an ultimatum that sent him to Dr. Loehmann the first time; it is an ultimatum that brings him back. He had always been cordial with Dr. Loehmann, cordial and remote, but now he is hostile and churlish. “I don’t want to be here,” he says, when the doctor says he’s happy to see him again and asks him what he would like to discuss. “And don’t lie to me: you’re not happy to see me, and I’m not happy to be here. This is a waste of time—yours and mine. I’m here under duress.”

他第一次去找婁曼醫(yī)生，是因為一份最后通牒；這回他回去，也是因為一份最后通牒。他跟婁曼醫(yī)生向來處得很好，友好而疏遠，但現(xiàn)在他充滿敵意，脾氣也很壞。“我不想來的?！彼f。這回一聽到醫(yī)生說很高興又見到他，還問他想討論什么，他就不耐煩?！斑€有別跟我撒謊：你不高興見到我，我也不高興見到你。這是浪費時間——你的時間跟我的時間。我是被迫來的。”

　 “We don’t have to discuss why you’re here, Jude, not if you don’t want to,” Dr. Loehmann says. “What would you like to talk about?”

“裘德，我們不必討論你為什么來，也不必討論你想不想來，”婁曼醫(yī)生說，“你想談什么呢？”

　 “Nothing,” he snaps, and there is a silence.

“什么都不想談?！彼麅窗桶偷卣f。兩人沉默了一會兒。

　 “Tell me about Harold,” Dr. Loehmann suggests, and he sighs, impatiently.

“跟我談?wù)劰_德吧?！眾渎t(yī)生建議。他不耐煩地嘆氣。

　 “There’s nothing to say,” he says.

“沒什么好說的?！彼f。