《渺小一生》:那天很冷，但是沒刮風

　 “It might take me a while,” he said.

“可能要花一陣子?！彼f。

　 “That’s fine,” I said. “You’ll take as long as you need.” A long time was a good thing, I thought: it meant years, years of him trying to figure out what he wanted to say, and although they would be difficult, torturous years, at least he would be alive. That was what I thought: that I would rather have him suffering and alive—than dead.

“沒關系，”我說，“花多少時間都無所謂?！睂懞芫檬呛檬?，我心想：這表示他得花好幾年搞清楚自己要說什么。盡管這幾年對他而言很困難、很折磨，但至少他還會活著。這是我當時所想的：我寧可要他活著受苦，也不希望他死掉。

　 But in the end, it didn’t take him much time at all. It was February, about a year after our intervention. If he could keep his weight on through May, we’d stop monitoring him, and he’d be able to stop seeing Dr. Loehmann if he wanted, although both Andy and I thought he should keep going. But it would no longer be our decision. That Sunday, we had stayed in the city, and after a cooking lesson at Greene Street (an asparagus-and-artichoke terrine) we went out for our walk.

但到頭來，他根本沒花多少時間。那是二月，大約就是我們介入、把他強制送去住院的一年后。如果他的體重可以保持到五月，我們就會停止監(jiān)控他，他也可以決定不再去婁曼醫(yī)生那里，雖然安迪和我都覺得他應該繼續(xù)去看婁曼醫(yī)生。不過之后就不能由我們做主了。那個星期天，我們待在紐約市區(qū)。在格林街上完烹飪課之后（做了蘆筍和洋薊的法式蔬菜凍），我們出門散步。

　 It was a chilly day, but windless, and we walked south on Greene until it changed into Church, and then down and down, through TriBeCa, through Wall Street, and almost to the very tip of the island, where we stood and watched the river, its splashing gray water. And then we turned and walked north, back up the same street: Trinity to Church, Church to Greene. He had been quiet all day, still and silent, and I prattled on about a middle-aged man I had met at the career placement center, a refugee from Tibet a year or so older than he, a doctor, who was applying to American medical schools.

那天很冷，但是沒刮風。我們沿著格林街往南，直到那條路變成教堂街，又繼續(xù)往南走，走過翠貝卡區(qū)，走過華爾街，幾乎要走到曼哈頓島的最南端，停下來看著微微起伏的灰色河水。然后我們回頭往北走，沿著同樣一條路：三一街接教堂街，教堂街接格林街。他一整天都很安靜，平靜而沉默，我聊著我當義工那個職業(yè)介紹所的一個中年人，比他大一歲左右，是名醫(yī)生，正在申請就讀美國的醫(yī)學院。

　 “That’s admirable,” he said. “It’s difficult to start over.”

“真是了不起，”他說，“要重新開始很困難?！?

　 “It is,” I said. “But you’ve started over too, Jude. You’re admirable, too.” He glanced at me, then looked away. “I mean it,” I said. I was reminded of a day a year or so after he had been discharged from the hospital after his suicide attempt, and he was staying with us in Truro. We had taken a walk then as well. “I want you to tell me three things you think you do better than anyone else,” I had told him as we sat on the sand, and he made a weary puffing noise, filling his cheeks with air and blowing it out through his mouth.

“沒錯，”我說，“但是你也重新開始了，裘德。你也很了不起。”他看了我一眼，然后別開目光?！拔沂钦J真的?！蔽艺f。我想起他自殺未遂出院后大約一年，他跟我們去了特魯羅。那天我們也出去散步?！拔乙愀嬖V我三件事，是你覺得做得比任何人都好的事?！蔽覀冏谏碁┥?，我這樣對他說。他發(fā)出一個厭倦的吐氣聲：兩頰鼓滿氣、再一口吹出來。

　 “Not now, Harold,” he had said.

“現(xiàn)在不要，哈羅德，”他說。

　 “Come on,” I said. “Three things. Three things you do better than anyone, and then I’ll stop bothering you.” But he thought and thought and still couldn’t think of anything, and hearing his silence, something in me began to panic. “Three things you do well, then,” I revised. “Three things you like about yourself.” By this time I was almost begging. “Anything,” I told him. “Anything.”

“別這樣嘛，”我說，“說出三件你做得比任何人都好的事，然后我就不煩你了?！钡肓擞窒?，什么都想不出來。看他不吭聲，我也開始著急?！澳蔷椭v三件你做得不錯的事?！蔽倚薷囊幌?，“或是你對自己滿意的三件事。”修改到這個時候，我?guī)缀踉谄蚯罅恕！叭魏问虑椋蔽腋嬖V他，“什么都行?！?

　 “I’m tall,” he finally said. “Tallish, anyway.”

“我長得高，”他終于說，“總之算高吧?！?

　 “Tall is good,” I said, although I had been hoping for something different, something more qualitative. But I would accept it as an answer, I decided: it had taken him so long to come up with even that. “Two more.” But he couldn’t think of anything else. I could see he was getting frustrated and embarrassed, and finally I let the subject drop.

“長得高是好事。”我說，雖然我希望是別的，有關性格的。不過我決定接受這個回答。就連這個，他都花了那么多時間才想出來?！斑€有兩個?！钡僖蚕氩怀鰜砹?。我看得出他懊惱又難為情，最后我終于算了。

　 Now, as we moved through TriBeCa, he mentioned, very casually, that he had been asked to be the firm’s chairman.

這會兒，當我們走過翠貝卡區(qū)時，他漫不經心地提起，事務所里問他是否愿意接任主席。

　 “My god,” I said, “that’s amazing, Jude. My god. Congratulations.”

“老天，”我說，“太棒了，裘德。老天。恭喜啊?！?

　 He nodded, once. “But I’m not going to accept,” he said, and I was thunderstruck. After all he had given fucking Rosen Pritchard—all those hours, all those years—he wasn’t going to take it? He looked at me. “I’d have thought you’d be happy,” he said, and I shook my head.

他點了一下頭。“但我不會接。”他說。我大吃一驚。在他為那個他媽的羅森·普理查德律師事務所付出這么多，花了那么多個小時、那么多年之后，他居然不接任主席？他看著我。“我以為你會很高興的。”他說，我搖搖頭。

　 “No,” I told him. “I know how much—how much satisfaction you get from your job. I don’t want you to think that I don’t approve of you, that I’m not proud of you.” He didn’t say anything. “Why aren’t you going to take it?” I asked him. “You’d be great at it. You were born for it.”

“不，”我告訴他，“我知道你從這份工作中得到多少滿足感。我不希望你覺得我不認同你、不以你為榮?！彼裁炊紱]說?！澳銥槭裁床唤幽兀俊蔽覇査?，“你會做得很好的，你天生是這塊料。”

　 And then he winced—I wasn’t sure why—and looked away. “No,” he said. “I don’t think I would be. It was a controversial decision anyway, as I understand it. Besides,” he began, and then stopped. Somehow we had stopped walking as well, as if speech and movement were oppositional activities, and we stood there in the cold for a while. “Besides,” he continued, “I thought I’d leave the firm in a year or so.” He looked at me, as if to see how I was reacting, and then looked up, at the sky. “I thought maybe I’d travel,” he said, but his voice was hollow and joyless, as if he were being conscripted into a faraway life he didn’t much want. “I could go away,” he said, almost to himself. “There are places I should see.”

他皺了一下臉（我不確定為什么），然后別開頭?！安涣恕！彼f，“我不認為我會接。據我所知，找上我的這個決定其實也有些爭議。何況……”他說到一半停下來。不知怎的，我們已經停下來了，好像講話和走路這兩個活動不能并存，我們就在這冷天中站了一會兒?！昂螞r，”他繼續(xù)說，“我想我再過一年就會辭職了?！彼粗?，仿佛在等我的反應，然后他抬頭看著天空，“我想或許我會去旅行。”他說，但他的聲音空洞、毫無喜悅，好像他要被征召、派駐到一個他不太想去的遙遠地方。“我可以離開。”他說，幾乎是自言自語，“有好多地方我該去看看。”

　 I didn’t know what to say. I stared and stared at him. “I could come with you,” I whispered, and he came back to himself and looked at me.

我不知道要說什么，只是一直瞪著他。“我可以跟你去。”我低聲說，他回過神來看著我。

　 “Yes,” he said, and he sounded so declarative I felt comforted. “Yes, you could come with me. Or you two could come meet me in certain places.”

“沒錯?！彼f，一副宣告的口吻讓我安心了，“沒錯，你可以跟我一起去。或者你們兩個可以跟我約在某些地方會合。”

　 We started moving again. “Not that I want to unduly delay your second act as a world traveler,” I said, “but I do think you should reconsider Rosen Pritchard’s offer. Maybe do it for a few years, and then jet off to the Balearics or Mozambique or wherever it is you want to go.” I knew that if he accepted the chairmanship offer, then he wouldn’t kill himself; he was too responsible to leave with unfinished business. “Okay?” I prompted him.

我們又往前走?！拔也幌胩⒄`你當世界旅人的第二人生?！蔽艺f，“但是我真的覺得，你應該再考慮一下羅森·普理查德提議的職位?；蛟S做個幾年，然后搭私人噴射機到西班牙的巴利阿里群島、莫桑比克，或任何你想去的地方?！蔽抑廊绻邮芰酥飨毼?，就不會自殺了；他太有責任感了，不可能留下沒完成的攤子給別人收拾。“好嗎？”我鼓勵他。

　 He smiled, then, his old, bright, beautiful smile. “Okay, Harold,” he said. “I promise I’ll reconsider.”

他笑了，那種熟悉、開朗、美麗的微笑?！昂冒?，哈羅德，”他說，“我保證我會再考慮。”

　 Then we were just a few blocks from home, and I realized we were coming upon Lispenard Street. “Oh god,” I said, seeking to capitalize on his good mood, to keep us both aloft. “Here we are at the site of all my nightmares: The Worst Apartment in the World,” and he laughed, and we veered right off of Church and walked half a block down Lispenard Street until we were standing in front of your old building. For a while I ranted on and on about the place, about how horrible it was, exaggerating and embroidering for effect, to hear him laugh and protest. “I was always afraid a fire was going to go ripping through that place and you’d both end up dead,” I said. “I had dreams of getting phoned by the emergency technicians that they’d found you both gnawed to death by a swarm of rats.”

我們離家只剩幾個街區(qū)了，我才發(fā)現(xiàn)我們剛好走到利斯本納街?！鞍±咸?。”我說，想充分利用他的好心情，讓我們兩個都保持高昂的情緒，“來到我所有噩夢的基地了：全世界最丑的公寓?！彼笮ζ饋恚覀冇肄D離開教堂街，沿著利斯本納街走了半個街區(qū)，直到站在你們以前那棟公寓大樓前。有好一會兒，我一直大聲抱怨著這個地方，講個不停，說這里有多恐怖，為了效果夸張又渲染，好聽他大笑抗議。“我老擔心會發(fā)生火災，把你們那戶燒光光，害得你們兩個被燒死。”我說，“我還夢到自己接到急救人員的電話，說他們發(fā)現(xiàn)你們兩個被一堆老鼠咬死?！?