伍迪單口相聲精選 第1期:伏特加廣告The Vodka Ad

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請(qǐng)伍迪·艾倫先生。

Thank you. Let me start at the very beginning. I did a vodka ad, that's the first important thing.

謝謝。我還是從頭說起，我做的第一件大事與做伏特加酒廣告有關(guān)。

A big vodka company wanted to do a prestige ad, and they wanted to get Noel Cowardoriginally for it. But.

有家很大的伏特加酒公司想打個(gè)有影響的廣告，一開始他們想請(qǐng)諾埃爾·考沃德【1】來做，但是……

He was not available, he had acquired the rights to My Fair Lady, and he was removing themusic and lyrics, make it back into Pygmalion.

他脫不開身，因?yàn)樗@得了《窈窕淑女》【2】的著作權(quán)，正忙著將這部劇的音樂和唱詞去掉，重新改回到《皮格馬利翁》。

They tried to get Laurence Olivier, and Howdy Mokey. They finally got me to do it. I'll tell youhow they got my name, it was on a list in Eichmann's pocket, when they picked him up.

他們還去找過勞倫斯·奧立佛和豪迪·羅基等等。最后他們找到了我來做。我來告訴你們他們是如何知道我名字的，它被列入了艾赫曼【3】的黑名單，在他們抓到他時(shí)在他衣袋里搜出來的。

And I'm sitting home, and I'm watching television.

當(dāng)時(shí)我正坐在家里，看著電視。

I'm watching a special version of Peter Pan on television, starring Kate Smith, and they arehaving trouble flying her, because the chains keep breaking all the time, you know.

我看電視里正在放一個(gè)特別版本的《小飛俠彼得潘》，由凱特·史密斯【4】主演，當(dāng)他們想讓她飛起來時(shí)遇到了麻煩，你知道，因?yàn)榈跛逆湕l老是斷。

And the phone rings and a voice on the other end says, "How would you like to be this yearsvodka man?", and I say, "No. I'm an artist, I do not do commercials. I don't pander.

電話鈴響了起來，另一頭有個(gè)聲音說：“你愿不愿意成為本年度的伏特加代言人?”我說：“不，我是藝術(shù)家，我不做商業(yè)廣告，我不拉皮條。

I don't drink vodka and if I did, I would not drink your product."

我不喝伏特加，即使我喝，我也不喝你們的產(chǎn)品。”

He said, "Too bad. It pays fifty thousand dollars." and I said "Hold on. I'll put Mr. Allen on thephone."

他說：“太可惜了，這可以掙五萬美元。”我說：“慢著。我去叫艾倫先生來接電話。”

And I was caught here in an ethical crisis. Should I advertise a product that I don't actuallyuse?

于是我陷入了道德危機(jī)之中，我應(yīng)該去給我實(shí)際上并不使用的產(chǎn)品做廣告嗎?

It's a problem 'cause I'm not a drinker, my body won't tolerate...eh...spirits, really.

這的確是個(gè)問題，因?yàn)槲也缓染?，我的身體受不了……酒精，真的。

I had two martinis new years eve and I tried to hi-jack an elevator and fly it to Cuba.

有年除夕我喝了兩杯馬提尼，結(jié)果我想劫持一部電梯飛到古巴去。

In the past whenever I had any sort of...emotional problem, I used to consult with my analystall the time. This is public knowledge, I was in analysis for years, 'cause of a traumaticchildhood I had.

以前每當(dāng)我碰到任何……感情問題，我總是去向我的心理醫(yī)生求助，這是大家都知道的事。我已經(jīng)做了很多年的心理分析治療，因?yàn)槲业耐觐H受創(chuàng)傷。

Remember I was breastfed from falsies.

記得我小時(shí)候是被假胸哺乳大的。

It scarred me emotionally, you know. I was in a strict freudian analysis for a long time.

你知道，這使我的心靈深受傷害。我接受嚴(yán)格的弗洛伊德精神分析治療相當(dāng)長(zhǎng)時(shí)間了。

My analyst died two years ago, and I never realized it, and now, whenever I have any sort ofproblem, I consult with my spiritual counselor, who in my case is my rabbi.

我的心理醫(yī)生兩年以前就死了，可我一直沒意識(shí)到。現(xiàn)在，無論我碰到什么樣的問題，我都去請(qǐng)教我的精神顧問，對(duì)我來說就是我的拉比。

I called him on the phone and laid the proposition on him, and he said, "Don't do it, 'cause it'sillegal and immoral to advertise a product that you don't use, just for the money."

我打電話給他，說了讓我做廣告的事，他說：“別去做，因?yàn)槿绻皇菫榱隋X給你并不使用的產(chǎn)品做廣告，這既不合法也不道德。”

And I said, "Okay." And I passed the ad up and I must say, that it took great courage at thetime, 'cause I needed the money, I was writing and I needed to be free, creative.

我說：“好吧。”于是我推掉了廣告。我得承認(rèn)，我在當(dāng)時(shí)下了很大的決心，因?yàn)槲倚枰X，我正在寫書，我需要無后顧之憂的、富于創(chuàng)造力的生活。

I was working on a non-fiction version of the Warren report.

我那時(shí)正在創(chuàng)作《沃倫報(bào)告》【5】的非虛構(gòu)版本。

I'd just passed the ad up and a month later I'm leafing through a Life magazine, and I see aphotograph of Monique van Vooren in a slim bikini bathing suit, and she is on the beach inJamaica, and there, next to her, with a cool vodka in his hand, is my rabbi.

就在我拒絕廣告一個(gè)月之后，有天我隨手翻閱《生活》雜志，看到一張莫妮克·凡·弗倫【6】的照片，身穿衣不蔽體的比基尼泳裝，在牙買加的海灘上，而在她的旁邊，有個(gè)人手握一瓶清涼的伏特加，那人正是我的拉比。

So I call him up on the phone, you know, and he puts me on hold.

于是我又打電話給他，你知道，他讓我一直等著。

What happened is, that he wanted to go into show business - he had done a late night prayeron television.

發(fā)生的事情是他已打算涉足娛樂行業(yè)——他正在電視里表演深夜祈禱。

He was in the middle of the twenty-third song and he tried to ad-lib, you know, tried to namethe ten commandments, couldn't think of them quickly and instead he named the SevenDwarfs.

當(dāng)“第二十三篇贊美詩”【7】講到一半時(shí)，他想即興發(fā)揮一下，說說“十誡”，可是他一下子記不清了，反而說出了七個(gè)小矮人的名字。

He's got a discotheque now in his college, with topless rabbis, y'know, no scull cap on.

現(xiàn)在他已經(jīng)在他的學(xué)會(huì)里開了家迪斯科舞廳，里面有上身裸露的拉比表演，我是說不戴圓頂小帽【8】的拉比。