伍迪單口相聲精選 第3期:第二次婚姻Second Marriage

Which I think brings me to mymain...conclusion here, that is that I gotmarried, that's the biggest thing that'shappened to me over the last...I got marriedfor the second time, incidentally.

我想現(xiàn)在到了來(lái)告一重要段落的時(shí)候了，那就是我結(jié)婚了，這是那么多年以來(lái)發(fā)生在我身上的最重大的事。順便說(shuō)一下，這是我的二婚。

I should have known something was wrong with my first wife, when I brought her home tomeet my parents, they approved of her, you know, but my dog died, that's what happened.

我早該知道我的第一任妻子有什么地方不對(duì)勁了，當(dāng)初我?guī)ノ壹乙?jiàn)我父母時(shí)，他們居然都很認(rèn)可她，你知道，可是我的狗卻死掉了，這就是當(dāng)時(shí)發(fā)生的事情。

I got to be careful what I say about her publicly now, 'cause she's suing me. I don't know if youread that in the paper or not, but I'm getting sued because I made a nasty remark about her.

現(xiàn)在我在公開(kāi)場(chǎng)合說(shuō)到她時(shí)必須小心翼翼，因?yàn)樗诟嫖?。我不知道你們有沒(méi)有在報(bào)紙上讀到過(guò)這事，但我被她告上了法庭，原因是我說(shuō)過(guò)她一些很惡毒的話。

She didn't like it, she lives on the upper west side of Manhattan, and she was coming home lateat night, and she was violated.

她不喜歡這樣。她住在曼哈頓的上西區(qū)，有天深夜在她回家時(shí)，她受到了侵害。

That's how the put it in the New York papers: "She was violated", and they asked me tocomment on it, and I said "Knowing my ex-wife, it probably was not a moving violation."

這是紐約的報(bào)紙上用的措辭：“她受到了侵害。”有人問(wèn)我對(duì)此有什么看法，我說(shuō)：“以我對(duì)我前妻的了解，這也許構(gòu)不成‘運(yùn)動(dòng)侵害’。”

Let me tell you how I met my second wife, which is really romantic.

我來(lái)告訴你我是如何結(jié)識(shí)我的第二個(gè)妻子的吧，那真的很浪漫。

I read an article in Life magazine saying there was a sexual revolution going on on collegecampuses all over the country, and I reregistrated at New York University to check it out,'cause I used to go there years ago, I was a history of hygiene major at NYU, and I was thrownout of college, and when I was thrown out I got a job.

我在《生活》雜志上讀到篇文章，說(shuō)是全國(guó)的大學(xué)校園到處都進(jìn)行著一場(chǎng)性革命。于是我又重新注冊(cè)進(jìn)了紐約大學(xué)，想去探個(gè)究竟。因?yàn)閹啄昵拔以谀莾捍^(guò)，我在紐約大學(xué)主修過(guò)“衛(wèi)生學(xué)史”，但后來(lái)被踢出了大學(xué)。在我被開(kāi)除后我找到了一份工作。

My father had a grocery store in Flatbush Avenue in Brooklyn, and he hired me to work for him.

我父親在布魯克林的弗拉特布什大街開(kāi)了家雜品店，他雇我給他干活。

I was a delivery boy for my father, that was my first job, and I unionized the workers and westruck and drove him out of business.

我成了我父親的送貨員，那是我的第一份工作。我聯(lián)合其他員工展開(kāi)罷工，很快把他搞破產(chǎn)了。

He's always been touchy about it.

為此他一直對(duì)我很惱火。

Now, when I went back to school, suddenly everybody wanted to fix me up with women.

現(xiàn)在，當(dāng)我重返校園后，忽然人人都想撮合我和女人之間的事。

And I have had a very bad history with blind dates.

對(duì)于經(jīng)人介紹的約會(huì)，我有過(guò)非常糟糕的經(jīng)歷。

You must not misunderstand me, believe it, sex is a beautiful thing between two people.Between five it's fantastic.

不過(guò)你們別誤解我。說(shuō)真的，兩人之間的性愛(ài)是件美好的事，五人之間的話就更妙了。

I was very depressed about that for a long time.

我為此郁悶了很長(zhǎng)時(shí)間。

I was gonna kill myself, but as I said, I was in a strict freudian analysis, and if you killyourself, they make you pay for the sessions you miss. So I accept this date.

我打算去自殺，可是我說(shuō)過(guò)，我一直在接受嚴(yán)格的弗洛伊德分析，如果你自殺，他們要你把錯(cuò)過(guò)的那些療程的錢先付了。因此我接受了約會(huì)安排。

First blind date in years, I go to a fourth floor walk-up, and then knock on the door, and this girlcomes to the door, and she is absolutely beautiful, but really terrific, great long blond hair,and a short skirt and boots and a sleeveless jersey, and she is packed into it.

這是我多年以來(lái)第一次與不相識(shí)的人約會(huì)，我來(lái)到一所無(wú)電梯公寓的四樓，敲響了房門，有個(gè)姑娘應(yīng)聲來(lái)開(kāi)門，她長(zhǎng)得絕對(duì)漂亮，真的很迷人，靚麗的金色長(zhǎng)發(fā)，身穿短裙和長(zhǎng)靴，配無(wú)袖緊身針織衫，那使她曲線畢露。

When I see her look that beautiful, I wanna...cry, write a poem, jump on her.

我看到她如此美麗，我都想流淚了，寫首詩(shī)歌，將她撲倒。

I'm very sensitive, you know. She asked me what I wanted to do, and I'm not a swinger.

你知道，我很容易動(dòng)情。她問(wèn)我打算干嘛，我可不是花花公子。

My idea of a big evening is go down to the corner roticimat and watch the chickens revolve,you see.

對(duì)我來(lái)說(shuō)走到街角的電熱烤箱前，盯著里面打轉(zhuǎn)的烤雞看一晚上，就相當(dāng)不一般了。

I take her to a party on McDougle Street in Greenwich Village.

我?guī)齾⒓游钑?huì)，去了格林尼治村的麥克杜格爾街。

We go into a smoked filled room, and I do not use - you should know this about me, too - anysort of consciousness expanding material. My body will not tolerate that.

我們走進(jìn)煙霧彌漫的房間，可是我不能使用任何的意識(shí)擴(kuò)展物質(zhì)(大麻)，你們也應(yīng)該了解我這一點(diǎn)。我的身體受不了那個(gè)。

You know I took a puff of the wrong cigarette at a fraternity dance once, and the cops had toget me, you know.

你知道有次在聯(lián)誼舞會(huì)上，我吸了一口不該吸的煙，結(jié)果招來(lái)了一幫警察。

I broke two teeth trying to give a hickie to the Statue of Liberty.

我試圖在自由女神的身上留下愛(ài)之吻痕，磕斷了我的兩顆牙齒。

The party begins to move downstairs now, unto the street, and everybody is playing bongoesand guitars, and a cop on horseback comes up to me, and he puts his arm around me.

舞會(huì)開(kāi)始移步到了樓下，來(lái)到大街上，大家打起非洲小鼓、彈著吉他。有個(gè)騎警走上前來(lái)，他用胳膊摟著我。

He says to me "Are you one of those draftcard burners?"

他問(wèn)我說(shuō)：“你是不是焚燒過(guò)兵役應(yīng)征卡?”

And I say, "No, I'm not. I never registered, I don't have a draftcard."

我說(shuō)：“不，我沒(méi)有。我從沒(méi)被應(yīng)征過(guò)，所以也沒(méi)有兵役應(yīng)征卡。”

Meanwhile a little girl feeds, what look like a cube of sugar, to the policeman's horse.

同時(shí)有個(gè)小女孩給警察的馬喂了一塊看上去像是方糖的東西。

The horse showed up at a sit-in in Georgia.

結(jié)果馬就出現(xiàn)在了喬治亞州的一個(gè)靜坐示威的現(xiàn)場(chǎng)。

Now I decide to strike. I get my date, and I jam her into my Hertz. I have a rented car, whichis a flat rate 12 cents a mile, in an effort to cut down on the mileage charge, I back up everyplace.

現(xiàn)在該采取行動(dòng)了，我抓住我的女友，把她塞進(jìn)了我的“赫茲”車?yán)铩?】，那是我租來(lái)的車子，按每英里12美分統(tǒng)一計(jì)費(fèi)。為了降低里程數(shù)，我總是倒著開(kāi)車。

So I'm backing over the George Washington Bridge.

因此我倒著駛過(guò)喬治·華盛頓大橋。

That was two o'clock in the morning, and I get my date back to her apartment, and the two ofus are alone, and we're going pretty good.

已經(jīng)是凌晨?jī)牲c(diǎn)了，我把女友送回到她的寓所，這是兩個(gè)人的世界，我們相處得很好。

I have to explain this very delicately, 'cause it's really tentative.

我必須十分慎重地說(shuō)明一下，因?yàn)橐磺卸己芪⒚睢?/p>

As I...as I am an inordinately...passionate...man. Volatile. Sensual. In general a stud.

我是個(gè)?我是個(gè)極富熱情的男人，容易激動(dòng)、享受感官，總的來(lái)說(shuō)算個(gè)猛男。

When making love...when making love...in an effort...to prolong...the moment of ecstasy...Ithink of baseball players.

每當(dāng)我做愛(ài)……每當(dāng)我做愛(ài)的時(shí)候，為了努力延長(zhǎng)快感的那一刻，我會(huì)想象棒球運(yùn)動(dòng)員們。

All right, now you know. The two of us are making love violently, she's digging it, I figure Ibetter start thinking of ballplayers quickly.

好吧，這下你們都知道了。我們兩個(gè)開(kāi)始激烈地做愛(ài)，她真的很投入。我想我最好馬上開(kāi)始想象球員們了。

So I figure it's one out, the ninth, the Giants are up.

于是我設(shè)想已經(jīng)到了第九局【3】，巨人隊(duì)進(jìn)攻，一人出局。

Mays lines a single to right, he takes second on a wild pitch.

梅斯【4】擊出平直球上到右邊一壘，他抓住暴投機(jī)會(huì)上到二壘。

Now she is digging her nails into my neck. I decided to pinch-hit for McCovey.

現(xiàn)在她把指甲掐進(jìn)了我的脖子。 我決定替麥考維【5】代打。

Alou pops out. Haller singles, Mays holds third.

阿盧【6】沖了進(jìn)來(lái)。哈勒【7】一壘安打，梅斯占據(jù)三壘。

Now I got a first-and-third situation.

現(xiàn)在我們的一三壘上都有人。

Two out, the Giants are behind one run.

已有兩人出局，巨人隊(duì)還落后一分。

I don't know whether to squeeze or steal.

我不知道是該搶分觸擊還是偷壘。

She's been in the shower for ten minutes, already.

她已經(jīng)在那兒沖了十分鐘澡了。

This is too...I can't tell you anymore, this is too personal.

這簡(jiǎn)直太……我不能說(shuō)得更多了，這太私密了。

The Giants won.

巨人隊(duì)贏了。

And I married the girl, incidently, and had a very good wedding, except for my father, whosquatted down and did one of those Russian dances, see, and tore a leg muscle and froze inthat position.

順便說(shuō)一下，我和那姑娘結(jié)婚了，要說(shuō)婚禮也進(jìn)行得很好，除了我父親，因?yàn)樗攵紫律碜?，想?lái)上一段俄羅斯民間舞。你瞧，拉傷了腿部肌肉而僵在那個(gè)姿勢(shì)上了。

Walked down the aisle like that, you know.

他只能像這樣走下過(guò)道。

【1】“運(yùn)動(dòng)侵害”是交通法規(guī)用詞，指運(yùn)動(dòng)的車輛犯法，例如車子超速、闖紅燈等等;與之相對(duì)的是“非運(yùn)動(dòng)違規(guī)”，比如胡亂停車、車況不好等等。伍迪在這里暗指是她侵害了別人，還是指她有性冷淡?伍迪的確被他的第一任妻子哈琳·羅森告上法庭，因?yàn)樗陔娨暪?jié)目里拿著她和她姐妹的照片奚落了一番。

【2】成立于1923年“赫茲汽車租賃公司”，是世界頂級(jí)的汽車租賃服務(wù)公司，除了美國(guó)本土，目前在全世界150多個(gè)國(guó)有服務(wù)業(yè)務(wù)。

【3】棒球第九局的下半局是最后的關(guān)頭。

【4】小威廉·霍華德·“威利”·梅斯，巨人隊(duì)的中外野手，“威利”是“威廉”的昵稱，但又有“男性生殖器”的意思。

【5】舊金山巨人隊(duì)的一壘手。

【6】舊金山巨人隊(duì)的外野手和一壘手。

【7】托馬斯·弗蘭克·哈勒舊金山巨人隊(duì)捕手。