如何道歉才是正確的做法？

Chances are, you've had to apologize plenty of times in your life. And there's a good chance you've also uttered the phrase, "I never meant to hurt you."

生活中你可能要道歉很多次，而且很有可能說(shuō)過(guò)這句話：“我從沒(méi)想過(guò)要傷害你”。

Stop doing that, says author Caroline Myss.

作者卡羅蘭·梅斯說(shuō)：“別再說(shuō)那句話了。”

In a talk Myss ― a spiritual seeker, researcher ― took on the topic of forgiveness and healing, and explained in no uncertain terms why "I never meant to hurt you" is never a sufficient apology, no matter who it comes from.

梅斯是一位精神導(dǎo)師和研究員，她在一次訪談中講了原諒和療傷的話題，并且非常明確地解釋了為什么“我從沒(méi)想過(guò)要傷害你”這句話永遠(yuǎn)不適合用來(lái)道歉，無(wú)論是從誰(shuí)的嘴里說(shuō)出來(lái)。

"Picture that person coming up to you and saying, 'Wow, bummer. I'm sorry I did this, but, you know, I never meant to hurt you. And, hey, can we just call it a day?'" Myss says.

梅斯說(shuō)：“想象一下，那個(gè)人朝你走過(guò)來(lái)跟你說(shuō)‘哦，哥們，很抱歉我那樣做，但你知道的，我從沒(méi)想過(guò)要傷害你。就這樣吧好嗎?’”

As tempting as it can be to move on and bury the hatchet, that type of apology won’t sit well with the person on the receiving end. "That whole little thing ― 'I never meant to hurt you' ― that's the thing you can't forgive," she says. "It goes right to your soul, that toxic, sick feeling."

雖然讓關(guān)系能發(fā)展下去并停戰(zhàn)和解是很吸引人的，但那種道歉真的不適合說(shuō)給對(duì)方，她說(shuō)：“那句‘我從沒(méi)想過(guò)要傷害你’所對(duì)應(yīng)的整件小事，其實(shí)就是你無(wú)法原諒的那個(gè)行為，是那種直入你心扉的難受的感覺(jué)。”

Instead, Myss says it's important to approach the conversation differently. Ultimately, it's about offering more than an apology. It's about sharing a soul-to-soul confession. "Let's redo the scene," Myss says. "[The person] comes up to you and says... 'I need to tell you something. I consciously knew what I was doing. I consciously knew it, and I have to call it something else: I sinned against you. It was a sin. I heard my conscience tell me not to do this and I didn't listen. It didn't matter to me. And I know that my actions redirected the course of your life. It was conscious. It was a sin, because it was conscious. And how much it hurt you did not stop me. This is not a boo-boo. This is not an apology. I am confessing my soul to you, and I'm asking now for your forgiveness.'"

梅斯說(shuō)相反很重要的是要以別的方式引入話題，最重要的是你要強(qiáng)調(diào)你做了什么而不是道歉，應(yīng)該有心靈間的懺悔。梅斯說(shuō)：“咱們重新設(shè)想一下剛才的場(chǎng)景，那個(gè)人走向你說(shuō)‘我要跟你說(shuō)件事，我深知自己做了什么，我意識(shí)到了，我覺(jué)著應(yīng)該換個(gè)說(shuō)法：我得罪你了。是我的錯(cuò)，我的良心告訴我不要那樣做，但我沒(méi)當(dāng)回事，這對(duì)我沒(méi)什么影響，但我知道我的行為改變了你的生活，我是有意的。是我的錯(cuò)，因?yàn)槲沂枪室獾?，?duì)你的傷害也沒(méi)能阻止我，這不是一時(shí)疏忽，我不是在道歉，這是我對(duì)你心靈的懺悔，我現(xiàn)在請(qǐng)求你的原諒。’”

Even saying those words on stages makes Myss visibly emotional, and she points out that this is how deeply within the soul apologies are supposed to resonate.

梅斯甚至在舞臺(tái)上說(shuō)這番話時(shí)都很激動(dòng)，她指出就是這種心靈的道歉才能引起深刻的共鳴。

"That's what heals," she says.

她說(shuō)：“那才是治愈別人心靈的東西。”