海倫·凱勒自傳《我的生活》第34期

　　I am afraid I have not yet completed this process. It is certain that I cannot always distinguishmy own thoughts from those I read, because what I read becomes the very substance andtexture of my mind. Consequently, in nearly all that I write, I produce something which very much resembles the crazy patchwork I used to make when I first learned to sew. This patchwork was made of all sorts of odds and ends—pretty bits of silk and velvet; but the coarse pieces that were not pleasant to touch always predominated. Likewise my compositions are made up of crude notions of my own, inlaid with the brighter thoughts and riper opinions of the authors I have read. It seems to me that the great difficulty of writing is to make the language of the educated mind express our confused ideas, half feelings, half thoughts, when we are little more than bundles ofinstinctive tendencies. Trying to write is very much like trying to put a Chinese puzzle together. We have a pattern in mind which we wish to work out in words;but the words will not fit the spaces, or, if they do, they will not match the design. But we keep on trying because we know that others have succeeded, and we are not willing to acknowledge defeat.

　　至今，我仍擔(dān)心自己無法完成這一過程。顯而易見的是，我不能總是從我讀到的東西里辨認(rèn)出我自己的思想，因?yàn)槲易x過的東西已經(jīng)變成了我的精神食糧，它已經(jīng)與我融為一體。所以說，在我寫的幾乎所有文章里，我所創(chuàng)造出的是這樣一種東西——它很像我最初學(xué)習(xí)女紅時所縫制的一件色彩斑斕的百衲衣。這件百衲衣由各種各樣的碎布頭制成，雖然不乏精美的絲綢和天鵝絨，可是這些拼湊的碎片始終不能令人滿意。同樣，我的作文也是既有我自己的粗鄙見解，也不乏一些大家的真知灼見。在我看來，寫作的最大困難就在于，我們要用理性的語言去表達(dá)自身混亂的思緒、不成熟的情感和幼稚的觀念，可以說，這基本上屬于一種本能行為。嘗試寫作的過程就像拼湊中國的七巧板和九連環(huán)一樣復(fù)雜。我們在腦海中勾勒出一幅圖案，我們希望借助文字表達(dá)其含義，但是在通常情況下，文字并不適用于這個范疇，或者說，文字同那幅圖案不相匹配。盡管如此，我們依舊鍥而不舍地努力嘗試，因?yàn)槲覀冎绖e人已經(jīng)取得了成功，我們不愿意承認(rèn)自己是失敗者。

　　"There is no way to become original, except to be born so," says Stevenson, and although I may not be original, I hope sometime to outgrow my artificial, periwigged compositions. Then, perhaps, my own thoughts and experiences will come to the surface. Meanwhile I trust and hope and persevere, and try not to let the bitter memory of "The Frost King" trammel my efforts.

　　盡快創(chuàng)造出自己的替代品，雖然這些替代品只是頭戴假發(fā)面具的矯飾文字?；蛟S有朝一日，我自己的思想和人生經(jīng)驗(yàn)也會盡顯本色。在學(xué)習(xí)寫作的過程中，我滿懷信心，堅持不懈，并且盡量不讓《冰雪之王》的苦澀記憶變成我學(xué)習(xí)之路上的阻礙。

　　So this sad experience may have done me good and set me thinking on some of the problems ofcomposition. My only regret is that it resulted in the loss of one of my dearest friends, Mr. Anagnos.

　　對我而言，這個慘痛的經(jīng)歷未嘗不是一件好事，它讓我對作文中所暴露的問題做出更加深入的思考。我唯一感到遺憾的是，我因此失去了最親愛的朋友阿納戈諾斯先生的友誼。

　　Since the publication of "The Story of My Life" in the Ladies’ Home Journal, Mr. Anagnos has made a statement, in a letter to Mr. Macy, that at the time of the "Frost King" matter, he believed I wasinnocent. He says, the court of investigation before which I was brought consisted of eight people: four blind, four seeing persons. Four of them, he says, thought I knew that Miss Canby’s story had been read to me, and the others did not hold this view. Mr. Anagnos states that he casthis vote with those who were favourable to me.

　　《我的生活》刊登在《女士之家》雜志以后，阿納戈諾斯先生便發(fā)表了一項聲明，他在給梅西先生的一封信中提到了《冰雪之王》事件。他相信我是無辜的，據(jù)他說，調(diào)查團(tuán)由八名成員組成，包括四名盲人，四名正常人。其中的四人認(rèn)為我讀過肯拜小姐的故事，而另外四人則不支持這種觀點(diǎn)。阿納戈諾斯先生表示，作為調(diào)查團(tuán)成員之一，他投了支持我的一票。

　　But, however the case may have been, with whichever side he may have cast his vote, when I went into the room where Mr. Anagnos had so often held me on his knee and, forgetting his many cares, had shared in my frolics, and found there persons who seemed to doubt me, I felt that there was something hostile and menacing in the very atmosphere, and subsequent events have borne out this impression. For two years he seems to have held the belief that Miss Sullivan and I were innocent. Then he evidently retracted his favourable judgment, why I do not know. Nor did I know the details of the investigation. I never knew even the names of the members of the "court" who did not speak to me. I was too excited to notice anything, too frightened to ask questions. Indeed, I could scarcely think what I was saying, or what was being said to me.

　　其實(shí)，無論這一事件的結(jié)果如何，也無論阿納戈諾斯先生把自己的票投向哪一方，每當(dāng)我走進(jìn)他的辦公室時，他總會把我抱在膝上嬉戲玩耍，從而忘掉種種煩惱。當(dāng)時，他已經(jīng)發(fā)覺到有人對我產(chǎn)生了懷疑，而我也感到周圍彌漫著某種險惡的敵對氣氛;其后發(fā)生的事件終于印證了這種不祥的預(yù)感。整整兩年間，阿納戈諾斯先生似乎一直相信我和蘇立文小姐是清白無辜的。但是后來，他的立場發(fā)生了明顯的偏轉(zhuǎn)，我不知道這是為什么，也不知道具體的調(diào)查細(xì)節(jié)。我甚至連“陪審團(tuán)”成員的名字都不知道，他們也不曾跟我說過話。當(dāng)時，我心情激動，難以顧及其他事情;而且，我嚇得驚恐萬狀，根本無法提出異議。事實(shí)上，我?guī)缀跸氩黄饋砦艺f過什么話，或者別人跟我說過什么話。

　　I have given this account of the "Frost King" affair because it was important in my life and education; and, in order that there might be no misunderstanding, I have set forth all the facts as they appear to me, without a thought of defending myself or of laying blame on any one.

　　我所以把《冰雪之王》事件詳加描述，是因?yàn)樗谖医邮芙逃倪^程中意義非常。行為得當(dāng)，也就不會引起誤解發(fā)生。因此，一旦誤解再度出現(xiàn)時，我會闡明事實(shí)，既不會巧言辯白，也不會怨天尤人。