海倫·凱勒自傳《我的生活》第35期

　　第十五章

　　The summer and winter following the "Frost King" incident I spent with my family in Alabama. Irecall with delight that home-going. Everything had budded and blossomed. I was happy. "The Frost King" was forgotten.

　　《冰雪之王》事件之后那一年的夏天和冬天，我是同家人一起在亞拉巴馬度過的。我愉快地找到了“歸家”的感覺。萬事萬物都經(jīng)歷了抽枝發(fā)芽、競相怒放的過程。我很高興《冰雪之王》事件已成為過眼云煙。

　　When the ground was strewn with the crimson and golden leaves of autumn, and the musk-scented grapes that covered the arbour at the end of the garden were turning golden brown in the sunshine, I began to write a sketch of my life—a year after I had written "The Frost King."

　　秋天，大地撒滿了深紅色和金黃色的樹葉。散發(fā)著麝香味的葡萄藤遮蓋了花園盡頭的涼亭。在陽光的照耀下，一串串葡萄變成了金燦燦的紅褐色。置身其中，我開始用筆勾勒我的生活——此時已經(jīng)距我寫《冰雪之王》一年有余。

　　I was still excessively scrupulous about everything I wrote. The thought that what I wrote might not be absolutely my own tormented me. No one knew of these fears except my teacher. A strange sensitiveness prevented me from referring to the "Frost King"; and often when an idea flashed out in the course of conversation I would spell softly to her, "I am not sure it is mine." At other times, in the midst of a paragraph I was writing, I said to myself, "Suppose it should be found that all this was written by some one long ago!" An impish fear clutched my hand, so that I could not write any more that day. And even now I sometimes feel the same uneasiness and disquietude. Miss Sullivan consoled and helped me in every way she could think of; but the terrible experience I had passed through left a lasting impression on my mind, the significance of which I am only just beginning to understand. It was with the hope of restoring my self-confidence that she persuaded me to write for the Youth’s Companion a brief accountof my life. I was then twelve years old. As I look back on my struggle to write that little story, it seems to me that I must have had a prophetic vision of the good that would come of the undertaking, or I should surely have failed.

　　此時，我仍舊對我寫的任何東西抱著謹小慎微的態(tài)度。我寫的東西也許并不完全屬于我自己——這樣的想法深深地折磨著我。除了我的老師，沒有人知曉我的恐懼心理。這種神經(jīng)過敏的古怪心理使我對《冰雪之王》事件這類事敬而遠之。因此常會有這樣的事發(fā)生，在同老師交談的過程中，當我萌生出一個想法時，我就會對她拼寫出這樣的句子：“我不太肯定這是我自己的。”另外，當我把某段文字寫到中間的時候，我就會對自己說：“你寫的這些東西可能早已經(jīng)被人寫過了!”一種戲謔般的恐懼感攫住了我的雙手，于是，那一天我會無法再寫出任何東西。直到現(xiàn)在，我還能時常感受到同樣的憂慮和不安。蘇立文小姐想方設(shè)法幫我擺脫困境，但是可怕的經(jīng)歷給我留下了難以磨滅的印記，而對于其中的重要意義我也只是剛剛開始理解。為了重新樹立我的自信心，老師說服我為《青年之友》寫一篇短小精悍的生活自傳。那一年我十二歲，回顧起來，那篇小故事的寫作過程也經(jīng)歷了一番內(nèi)心掙扎;我當時一定是對這項工作的結(jié)果有了一個良好的預(yù)期，否則一定會失敗。

　　I wrote timidly, fearfully, but resolutely, urged on by my teacher, who knew that if I persevered, I should find my mental foothold again and get a grip on my faculties. Up to the time of the "Frost King" episode, I had lived the unconscious life of a little child; now my thoughts were turned inward, and I beheld things invisible. Gradually I emerged from the penumbra of that experience with a mind made clearer by trial and with a truer knowledge of life.

　　雖然下筆時有些提心吊膽，戰(zhàn)戰(zhàn)兢兢，但是在老師的督促下，我寫得很堅決。她知道，如果我能夠堅持不懈，就一定會再次找到精神的立足點，也一定會重拾寫作才能的。直到《冰雪之王》事件之前，我一直生活在一個小孩子的懵懂無知之中。如今，我變得更加內(nèi)斂，我看待事物的角度更加深入。漸漸地，我從日蝕的陰影中顯現(xiàn)出來，在生命的真諦面前，經(jīng)過了嚴格考驗的心智也變得更加澄澈清明了。