《渺小一生》:事情越來越惡化，他知道

　 “Are you all right?” Willem asked him one night. They had seen a play, which he had barely registered, and then had gone out to dinner, where he had half listened to Willem, hoping he was making the correct responses as he moved his food around his plate and tried to act normal.

“你還好吧？”有天晚上威廉問他。那天他們?nèi)タ匆怀鑫枧_劇，他根本沒看進去。后來兩人去餐廳吃晚餐，他漫不經(jīng)心地聽著威廉講話，希望自己的回答都正確，同時撥著盤子里的食物，設(shè)法表現(xiàn)得很正常。

　 “Yes,” he said.

“很好啊。”他說。

　 Things were getting worse; he knew it and didn’t know how to make it better. It was eight months after the incident, and every day he thought about it more, not less. He felt sometimes as if his months with Caleb were a pack of hyenas, and every day they chased him, and every day he spent all his energy running from them, trying to escape being devoured by their snapping, foaming jaws. All the things that had helped in the past—the concentrating; the cutting—weren’t helping now. He cut himself more and more, but the memories wouldn’t disappear. Every morning he swam, and every night he swam again, for miles, until he had energy enough only to shower and climb into bed. As he swam, he chanted to himself: he conjugated Latin verbs, he recited proofs, he quoted back to himself decisions that he had studied in law school. His mind was his, he told himself. He would control this; he wouldn’t be controlled.

事情越來越惡化，他知道，卻不知道該如何改善。事件過了八個月了，他每天都越常回想起來，而不是越少。他有時覺得自己跟凱萊布交往的那幾個月就像一群鬣狗，每一天都追著他，每一天他都要用盡全力逃離，設(shè)法不要被它們冒著白沫、生著利齒的嘴巴噬咬、吞沒。過去一切有幫助的事情（專注、割自己）現(xiàn)在都沒用了。他割自己割得越來越兇，但那些記憶沒有消失。每天早上他都去游泳，現(xiàn)在每天晚上也去游，游上好幾英里，直到只剩下沖澡和爬上床的力氣。游泳時，他會默念各種東西：背拉丁語動詞變化，列舉法庭證明，引用法學(xué)院學(xué)過的判例。他的腦子是他的，他告訴自己。他有辦法控制，他不會受擺布。

　 “I have an idea,” Willem said at the end of another meal in which he had failed to say much of anything. He had responded a second or two too late to everything Willem had said, and after a while, they were both quiet. “We should take a vacation together. We should go on that trip to Morocco we were supposed to take two years ago. We can do it as soon as I get back. What do you think, Jude? It’ll be fall, then—it’ll be beautiful.” It was late June: nine months after the incident. Willem was leaving again at the beginning of August for a shoot in Sri Lanka; he wouldn’t be back until the beginning of October.

“我有個主意。”有回跟威廉一起吃飯，他又沒說什么話，威廉便這么說。那天威廉講任何話時，他的反應(yīng)總是慢了一兩秒鐘，過了一會兒，他們都沉默下來?！拔覀儜?yīng)該一起去度假。我們應(yīng)該實現(xiàn)兩年前本來要去的摩洛哥之旅。等我回來，我們就去。裘德，你覺得呢？到時候是秋天了，那里一定很美?！贝藭r是六月下旬，離事件九個月了。威廉八月初又要離開，去斯里蘭卡拍新戲，要到十月初才會回紐約。

　 As Willem spoke, he was thinking of how Caleb had called him deformed, and only Willem’s silence had reminded him it was his turn to respond. “Sure, Willem,” he said. “That sounds great.”

威廉說話時，他正想著凱萊布如何說他畸形，直到威廉沉默下來，他才想到自己該回答了?！爱斎缓茫?，”他說，“聽起來很棒。”

　 The restaurant was in the Flatiron District, and after they paid, they walked for a while, neither of them saying anything, when suddenly, he saw Caleb coming toward them, and in his panic, he grabbed Willem and yanked him into the doorway of a building, startling them both with his strength and swiftness.

那個餐廳在熨斗區(qū)，付賬之后，他們散了一會兒步，兩個人都沒說話。突然間，他看到凱萊布迎面走來，一時恐慌就抓住威廉，把他拉到一棟大樓的門口，兩個人都被他的迅速和力氣之大嚇了一跳。

　 “Jude,” Willem said, alarmed, “what are you doing?”

“裘德，”威廉警覺地說，“你在做什么？”

　 “Don’t say anything,” he whispered to Willem. “Just stay here and don’t turn around,” and Willem did, facing the door with him.

“不要說話，”他低聲跟威廉說，“站在這里不要回頭?！蓖兆觯黄鹈鎸ρ矍澳巧乳T。

　 He counted the seconds until he was certain Caleb must have passed, and then looked cautiously out toward the sidewalk and saw that it hadn’t been Caleb at all, just another tall, dark-haired man, but not Caleb, and he had exhaled, feeling defeated and stupid and relieved all at once. He noticed then that he still had Willem’s shirt bunched in his hand, and he released it. “Sorry,” he said. “Sorry, Willem.”

他數(shù)著一秒秒過去，直到他很確定凱萊布已經(jīng)走過去了。他小心翼翼地往人行道看，才發(fā)現(xiàn)那人根本不是凱萊布，只是另一個深色頭發(fā)的高個子男人，但不是凱萊布。于是他吐出一口氣，一時間覺得又挫敗又愚蠢又解脫。他注意到自己手里還緊攥著威廉的襯衫，于是便趕緊松開。“對不起，”他說，“對不起，威廉?！?

　 “Jude, what happened?” Willem asked, trying to look him in the eyes. “What was that?”

“裘德，發(fā)生了什么事？”威廉問，盯著他的眼睛看，“這是怎么回事？”

　 “Nothing,” he said. “I just thought I saw someone I didn’t want to see.”

“沒事，”他說，“我只是以為我看到了一個不想看的人?！?

　 “Who?”

“誰？”

　 “No one. This lawyer on a case I’m working on. He’s a prick; I hate dealing with him.”

“不重要。是個對手律師，很混蛋，我不想理他。”

　 Willem looked at him. “No,” he said, at last. “It wasn’t another lawyer. It was someone else, someone you’re scared of.” There was a pause. Willem looked down the street, and then back at him. “You’re frightened,” he said, his voice wondering. “Who was it, Jude?”

威廉看著他?！安皇?，”他終于說，“不是另一個律師。是別人，是某個你害怕的人?！蓖Ｏ聛?，往前看著街道，然后看看后方?！澳銍槈牧耍彼f，聲音充滿好奇，“裘德，到底是誰？”

　 He shook his head, trying to think of a lie he could tell Willem. He was always lying to Willem: big lies, small lies. Their entire relationship was a lie—Willem thought he was one person, and really, he wasn’t. Only Caleb knew the truth. Only Caleb knew what he was.

他搖搖頭，設(shè)法編個什么謊告訴威廉。他總是跟威廉撒謊：大謊、小謊。他們的整個友誼就是一個謊言——威廉以為他是這個人，但其實他不是。只有凱萊布知道真相。只有凱萊布知道他過去是什么樣的人。

　 “I told you,” he said, at last. “This other lawyer.”

“我已經(jīng)告訴過你了，”他終于開口，“是另一個律師?！?

　 “No, it wasn’t.”

“不，不是?！?

　 “Yes, it was.” Two women walked by them, and as they passed, he heard one of them whisper excitedly to the other, “That was Willem Ragnarsson!” He closed his eyes.

“是，就是?！眱蓚€女人從他們旁邊走過，他聽到其中一個興奮地跟另一個咬耳朵，“那是威廉·拉格納松！”他閉上眼睛。

　 “Listen,” Willem said, quietly, “what’s going on with you?”

“聽我說，”威廉低聲說，“你到底是怎么回事？”

　 “Nothing,” he said. “I’m tired. I need to go home.”

“沒事，”他說，“我累了。我得回家。”