《渺小一生》:他覺(jué)得很可悲，可是他不得不

　 “Fine,” Willem said. He hailed a cab, and helped him in, and then got in himself. “Greene and Broome,” he said to the driver.

“好吧?！蓖f(shuō)。他招了輛出租車，幫著他上車，然后自己也坐進(jìn)去?！案窳纸趾筒剪斈方纸徊婵凇！彼緳C(jī)說(shuō)。

　 In the cab, his hands began to shake. This had been happening more and more, and he didn’t know how to stop it. It had started when he was a child, but it had happened only in extreme circumstances—when he was trying not to cry, or when he was in extraordinary pain but knew that he couldn’t make a sound. But now it happened at strange moments: only cutting helped, but sometimes the shaking was so severe that he had difficulty controlling the razor. He crossed his arms against himself and hoped Willem wouldn’t notice.

在出租車上，他雙手開(kāi)始顫抖。這樣的狀況越來(lái)越常發(fā)生，他不知道該怎么停止。這個(gè)毛病始自他小時(shí)候，但只有在極端的狀況下才會(huì)發(fā)生：當(dāng)他試著不要哭，或是極度疼痛、卻自知不能發(fā)出聲音時(shí)?，F(xiàn)在，這個(gè)毛病卻會(huì)發(fā)生在奇怪的時(shí)刻，只有割自己會(huì)好一點(diǎn)，但有時(shí)他抖得太嚴(yán)重，很難控制刮胡刀片。這會(huì)兒他雙手交叉抱在胸前，希望威廉沒(méi)注意到。

　 At the front door, he tried to get rid of Willem, but Willem wouldn’t leave. “I want to be alone,” he told him.

到了樓下大門(mén)，他設(shè)法擺脫威廉，但威廉不肯離開(kāi)。“我想獨(dú)自安靜一下?！彼嬖V他。

　 “I understand,” Willem said. “We’ll be alone together.” They had stood there, facing each other, until he had finally turned to the door, but he couldn’t fit the key into the lock because he was shaking so badly, and Willem took the keys from him and opened the door.

“我了解，”威廉說(shuō)，“我們一起安靜吧。”他們站在那里，彼此相對(duì)，最后他終于轉(zhuǎn)身，但鑰匙插不進(jìn)鎖孔里，因?yàn)樗氖侄兜锰珔柡α恕Ｍ畯乃掷锬眠^(guò)鑰匙，把門(mén)打開(kāi)。

　 “What the hell is going on with you?” Willem asked as soon as they were in the apartment.

“你到底是怎么回事？”一進(jìn)到公寓里，威廉就問(wèn)了。

　 “Nothing,” he said, “nothing,” and now his teeth were chattering, which was something that had never accompanied the shaking when he was young but now happened almost every time.

“沒(méi)事，”他說(shuō)，“沒(méi)事。”現(xiàn)在他的牙齒也格格作響，他小時(shí)候發(fā)抖時(shí)從來(lái)不會(huì)這樣，但現(xiàn)在幾乎每次都兩個(gè)一起來(lái)。

　 Willem stepped close to him, but he turned his face away. “Something happened while I was away,” Willem said, tentatively. “I don’t know what it is, but something happened. Something’s wrong. You’ve been acting strangely ever since I got home from The Odyssey. I don’t know why.” He stopped, and put his hands on his shoulders. “Tell me, Jude,” he said. “Tell me what it is. Tell me and we’ll figure out how to make it better.”

威廉走近他，他別開(kāi)臉?！拔也辉诘臅r(shí)候出了一些事，”威廉遲疑地說(shuō)，“我不知道是什么事，但一定有，而且是很糟糕的事。自從我拍完《奧德賽》回來(lái)，你就表現(xiàn)得很奇怪。我不明白為什么?！蓖Ｏ聛?lái)，雙手放在他肩膀上。“告訴我，裘德，”他說(shuō)，“告訴我是什么事。告訴我，我們看看要怎么樣讓情況好轉(zhuǎn)。”

　 “No,” he whispered. “I can’t, Willem, I can’t.” There was a long silence. “I want to go to bed,” he said, and Willem released him, and he went to the bathroom.

“不行，”他低聲說(shuō)，“威廉，我做不到，我做不到。”接下來(lái)兩人沉默了好一會(huì)兒?！拔蚁肴ニX(jué)了。”他說(shuō)。威廉放開(kāi)他，他便走進(jìn)浴室。

　 When he came out, Willem was wearing one of his T-shirts, and was lofting the duvet from the guest room over the sofa in his bedroom, the sofa under the painting of Willem in the makeup chair. “What’re you doing?” he asked.

他出來(lái)時(shí)，威廉穿了一件他的T恤，正把客房的羽絨被搬到他臥室的沙發(fā)上，那沙發(fā)上方的墻壁上就掛著威廉坐在化妝椅的那幅畫(huà)?！澳阍谧鍪裁?？”他問(wèn)。

　 “I’m staying here tonight,” Willem said.

“我今天晚上留下來(lái)過(guò)夜。”威廉說(shuō)。

　 He sighed, but Willem started talking before he could. “You have three choices, Jude,” he said. “One, I call Andy and tell him I think there’s something really going wrong with you and I take you up to his office for an evaluation. Two, I call Harold, who freaks out and calls Andy. Or three, you let me stay here and monitor you because you won’t talk to me, you won’t fucking tell me anything, and you never seem to understand that you at least owe your friends the opportunity to try to help you—you at least owe me that.” His voice cracked. “So what’s it going to be?”

他嘆口氣，但威廉搶著說(shuō)下去?！棒玫?，你有三個(gè)選擇，”他說(shuō)，“第一，我打電話給安迪，跟他說(shuō)我覺(jué)得你真的很不對(duì)勁，帶你去他診所讓他看看。第二，我打電話給哈羅德，他會(huì)嚇壞，打給安迪?；蛘叩谌阕屛医裉焱砩洗谶@里監(jiān)視你，因?yàn)槟悴豢细艺?，他媽的什么都不肯告訴我，而且你好像從來(lái)不明白你至少該給你的朋友一個(gè)嘗試幫你的機(jī)會(huì)——你至少欠我這個(gè)?！彼穆曇舭l(fā)啞，“所以你選哪個(gè)？”

　 Oh Willem, he thought. You don’t know how badly I want to tell you. “I’m sorry, Willem,” he said, instead.

啊，威廉，他心想。你不明白我多么想告訴你。但他只會(huì)說(shuō)：“我很抱歉，威廉。”

　 “Fine, you’re sorry,” said Willem. “Go to bed. Do you still have extra toothbrushes in the same place?”

“很好，你很抱歉，”威廉說(shuō)，“去睡覺(jué)吧。你有多的牙刷放在老地方嗎？”

　 “Yes,” he said.

“有?！彼f(shuō)。

　 The next night he came home late from work, and found Willem lying on the sofa in his room again, reading. “How was your day?” he asked, not lowering his book.

次日晚上他加班到很晚，回家后發(fā)現(xiàn)威廉又躺在他房間的沙發(fā)上，正在看書(shū)?！澳憬裉爝^(guò)得怎么樣？”威廉問(wèn)，沒(méi)放下手上的書(shū)。

　 “Fine,” he said. He waited to see if Willem was going to explain himself, but he didn’t, and eventually he went to the bathroom. In the closet, he passed Willem’s duffel bag, which was unzipped and filled with enough clothes that it was clear he was going to stay for a while.

“很好?！彼f(shuō)。他等著看威廉會(huì)不會(huì)解釋自己為什么還在這里，但沒(méi)等到，最后他走向浴室。經(jīng)過(guò)衣柜間時(shí)，他看到威廉的旅行袋，拉鏈打開(kāi)了，里頭裝了足夠的衣服，顯然他打算在這里待上一陣子。

　 He felt pathetic admitting it to himself, but having Willem there—not just in his apartment, but in his room—helped. They didn’t speak much, but his very presence steadied and refocused him. He thought less of Caleb; he thought less of everything. It was as if the necessity of proving himself normal to Willem really did make him more normal. Just being around someone he knew would never harm him, not ever, was soothing, and he was able to quiet his mind, and sleep. As grateful as he was, though, he was also disgusted at himself, by how dependent he was, how weak. Was there no end to his needs? How many people had helped him over the years, and why had they? Why had he let them? A better friend would have told Willem to go home, told him he would be fine on his own. But he didn’t do this. He let Willem spend the few remaining weeks he had in New York sleeping on his sofa like a dog.

他覺(jué)得很可悲，可是他不得不承認(rèn)，威廉在這里的確有幫助——不光是在他的公寓，還在他的房間。他們不必說(shuō)什么話，光是威廉的存在，就能讓他平靜且恢復(fù)專注。他比較少想到凱萊布，也比較少想到任何事。仿佛因?yàn)橛斜匾蛲C明自己很正常而讓他真的變得比較正常了。光是跟一個(gè)他知道永遠(yuǎn)不會(huì)傷害他的人在一起就令他寬心。他終于可以靜下心來(lái)，也睡得著了。盡管他很感激，卻也受不了自己這么依賴別人、這么軟弱。他就這么需索無(wú)度嗎？多年來(lái)幫過(guò)他的人有多少？他們干嗎要幫他？他自己又為什么讓別人幫他？更夠格的朋友會(huì)叫威廉回家，跟威廉說(shuō)他自己一個(gè)人沒(méi)事的。但他沒(méi)這么做。他讓威廉在紐約剩下的幾個(gè)星期都像條狗似的，睡在他的沙發(fā)上。

　 At least he didn’t have to worry about upsetting Robin, as Willem and Robin had broken up toward the end of the Odyssey shoot, when Robin discovered that Willem had cheated on her with one of the costume assistants. “And I didn’t even really like her,” Willem had told him in one of their phone calls. “I did it for the worst reason of all—because I was bored.”

至少他不必?fù)?dān)心得罪羅賓?！秺W德賽》快殺青時(shí)，威廉和羅賓就分手了，因?yàn)榱_賓發(fā)現(xiàn)威廉偷吃，背著她跟一個(gè)服裝助理上床。“我根本就不喜歡她?！蓖?dāng)時(shí)在電話里告訴他，“我偷吃是出于最糟糕的原因——因?yàn)槲液軣o(wú)聊。”

　 He had considered this. “No,” he said, “the worst reason of all would’ve been because you were trying to be cruel. Yours was just the stupidest reason of all.”

他想了想?！安?，”他說(shuō)，“如果你是為了想傷害她而偷吃，那才是最糟糕的原因。你說(shuō)無(wú)聊，那只是最愚蠢的原因?！?

　 There had been a pause, and then Willem had started laughing. “Thanks for that, Jude,” he said. “Thanks for making me feel both better and worse.”

威廉頓了一下，開(kāi)始大笑?！爸x了，裘德。”他說(shuō)，“謝謝你讓我同時(shí)覺(jué)得好一點(diǎn)，也更糟一點(diǎn)。”