“例如”——他說話變得迅速起來,我不得不集中精力去捕捉每一個字——“嫉妒的情緒。我讀到過這種情緒千萬次,在一千部不同的戲劇和電影里看過演員對此的演繹。我相信自己對此的理解非常透徹,但它卻震撼了我……”他扮了個鬼臉。“你還記得邁克邀請你去舞會那天嗎?”
I nodded, though I remembered that day for a different reason. "The day you started talking tome again."
我點了點頭,不過我記得那一天卻是出于一個完全不同的理由。“那天你又開始和我說話了。”
"I was surprised by the flare of resentment, almost fury, that I felt — I didn't recognize whatit was at first. I was even more aggravated than usual that I couldn't know what you werethinking, why you refused him. Was it simply for your friend's sake? Was there someone else? Iknew I had no right to care either way. I tried not to care.
“我被那陣一閃而過,幾近狂暴的憤怒驚呆了,我所感覺到的——起初我根本分辨不出這是什么樣的情緒。我不知道你在想什么,這種挫敗感比平時來得還要嚴(yán)重,因為我不知道你為什么拒絕他。僅僅是為了你的朋友的緣故嗎?還是為了某個人?我知道我沒有權(quán)利去關(guān)心這些方面。我努力不讓自己去關(guān)心這些。”
"And then the line started forming," he chuckled. I scowled in the darkness.
“然后排隊邀請你的隊伍開始形成了。”他輕笑起來。我在黑暗中把臉繃起來。
"I waited, unreasonably anxious to hear what you would say to them, to watch yourexpressions. I couldn't deny the relief I felt, watching the annoyance on your face. But Icouldn't be sure.
“我等待著,焦慮不安得毫無理由地,想要聽到你會對他們說什么,想要看見你的表情。我無法否認(rèn),當(dāng)看到你臉上煩惱的神情時,我感到一陣寬慰。但我不能肯定。
"That was the first night I came here. I wrestled all night, while watching you sleep, with thechasm between what I knew was right, moral, ethical, and what I wanted.
那是我第一次晚上來這里。當(dāng)我看著你的睡容時,我整夜都在掙扎著,在我知道是正確的,合乎道德的,合乎倫理的,和我想要的之間掙扎著,有如困于深谷之中。