伍迪單口相聲精選 第7期:綁架Kidnapped

I was kidnapped once. I was standing in frontof my schoolyard, and a black sedan pulls up.

我曾經(jīng)遭到過綁架。當時我正站在校園前面，有一輛黑色的轎車駛過來停到我身旁。

And two guys get out, and they say to me, do Iwanna go away with them to a land, whereeverybody is fairies and elves, and I can have all thecomic books I want and chocolate and wax lips, you know.

從車里下來兩個人，他們問我想不想跟他們一起到一個地方去，那里有好多的仙女和精靈，我可以想要什么漫畫書就有什么漫畫書，還有巧克力和蠟唇【1】。

I said "yes", y'know, and I got into the car with them, 'cause I figured, y'know, "What the hell",I was home that weekend from college anyhow, y'know.

我說“好的”，于是我就隨他們上了車，因為我在想，“管他的，反正也要回家過這個周末，離開大學校園。”。

They drive me off, and they sent a ransom note to my parents.

他們開車把我?guī)ё?，然后給我父母送去了一張贖金條。

And my father has bad reading habits, so he gets into bed at night with the ransom note, andhe read half of it, y'know, and he got drowsy and fell asleep, then he lent it out, y'know.

我父親有一些不好的閱讀習慣，到晚上才拿著贖金條上了床，剛讀到一半他就困了，然后就睡著了，把這事拋到了腦后。

Meanwhile they take me to New Jersey, bound and gagged, and my parents finally realize thatI'm kidnapped.

同時，他們把我?guī)У搅诵聺晌?，綁著手、塞著嘴。我父母后來終于發(fā)現(xiàn)我被綁架了。

They snap into action immediately: they rent out my room.

他們立即采取了行動：把我的房間租了出去。

The ransom note says for my father to leave a thousand dollars in a hollow tree in New Jersey.

贖金條上讓我父親把一千美元放入新澤西的一棵空心的樹里。

He has no trouble raising the thousand dollars, but he gets a hernia carrying the hollow tree.

籌集一千美元沒讓他遇到什么困難，但是扛棵空心樹使他的疝氣發(fā)作。

The FBI surround the house, "Throw the kid out," they say, "give us your guns, and come outwith your hands up."

聯(lián)邦調(diào)查局的人包圍了房子。“把孩子放出來，”他們喊：“把槍扔給我們，舉著雙手出來。”

The kidnappers say "We'll throw the kid out, but let us keep our guns, and get to our car."

綁架者喊：“我們放孩子出去，但我們要留著槍，然后我們要上車。”

The FBI says "Throw the kid out, we'll let you get to your car, but give us your guns."

聯(lián)邦探員喊：“把孩子放出來就讓你們上車，但是要放下武器。”

The kidnappers say "We'll throw the kid out, but let us keep our guns - we don't have to get toour car."

綁架者喊：“我們放孩子出去，但是我們要留著武器，我們不一定要上車。”

The FBI says "Keep the kid."

聯(lián)邦探員喊：“留著孩子吧。”

The FBI decides to lob in teargas, but they don't have teargas, so several of the agents put onthe death scene from Camellia.

聯(lián)邦探員決定投催淚瓦斯進去，但是他們沒有催淚瓦斯，所以幾個探員只能上演《茶花女》里女主人去世的一幕。

Tear stricken my abductors give themselves up.

遭受淚水漣漣，我的綁架者放棄了抵抗。

They are sentenced to fifteen years on a chain gang, and they escape, twelve of then chainedtogether at the ankle, getting by the guards posing as an immense charm bracelet.

他們被判處十五年牢役，用鐵鏈拴在一起。后來他們成功出逃，十二名囚徒被拴住腳踝，偽裝成一個巨大的魅力手鐲騙過了警衛(wèi)。

【1】用石蠟做的糖果，塑成兩片大嘴唇的形狀，后面有咬片，咬住后就蓋住了自己的嘴唇，顯得很滑稽，是孩子們喜歡在萬圣節(jié)玩的游戲。